1 month in purgatory

bohemian butterfly · April 19, 2021, 12:22:28 PM

I'm struggling today. It's been 1 month since my upd bf and I have last spoken. We are in this limbo state because neither of us has officially said the words, "it's over."

So why haven't I completely pulled the plug? The codependent in me is scared that I'm nothing without him. For almost 6 years I merged with him. For almost 4 out of the 6 years we were together I saw (and felt) him devote 150% of his soul to his business. For almost 6 years I've stayed with this person because I subconsciously tried to heal childhood wounds (he was like my mother and father). And even though he had no time for me (unless I worked with him) there were breadcrumbs that satiated my hunger pains..... until they didn't. And it doesn't help that the first 2 years (of the six) were wonderful.

I know I'm still grieving and I know that this limbo is not healthy for me. And as I sit in this purgatory of sorts, My heart is still saying, "what if?" even though my head and soul know that "it" (a healthy relationship with him) will never happen. Fears that he'll be the perfect man for the next woman, haunt me (which would solidify that I'm defective).

I'm 44 and I'm so tired. I feel defeated.

I see him on Facebook, several people have given him props. I feel like he is a success and I am nothing. I think I now know how a woman who gives up her entire life to boast her man, feels likes, when he is in the spotlight (getting the accolades) and she is standing in the dark, without anyone knowing she exists.

With him I have/had 2 choices: completely give up myself (hobbies, dreams, etc) and become him (workaholic, alcoholic) or, break away and find/be me. I'm choosing the second, but I'm finding it to be so hard. It's tempting to go the easy route (give in and hand over my soul) but I refuse to do that. So, now I have to figure out what tools I need to carve out my own path.

I don't know how to end this. Last time (June 2019) I just left (bought a house and moved out) because he was so mean (our relationship was like a work relationship: he was the boss, assigning me tasks constantly) and I had had so many "I'm unhappy" conversations that I felt like I'd given him plenty of chances. So this time, I'm afraid to call or meet up because I'm not strong enough to see him possibly cry and beg. Last time he came back to me (2.5 months after our breakup) and love bombed me and I gave in. I guess I feel that there is a requirement, to break up in person since we almost dated for 6 years.

notrightinthehead · April 19, 2021, 03:40:51 PM

How about you make two lists on two sheets - one why you want to be with him and one why you don't want to be with him. Make it about yourself. Not him and what he wants.

Empie2204 · April 19, 2021, 04:41:50 PM

Since I left my h I also occasionally have these "what if" phases filled with regret, remorse and guilt.
I hate them, but have a strange relation to them: I accepted them as the part of my life, because I don´t know will they ever go away.
It seems to me that it is better to endure them from time to time than to go back and erase myself again.

Rose1 · April 19, 2021, 06:29:54 PM

I realised eventually that the feeling of what if he does better without me or with someone else was more about "maybe its me after all" than anything else. And that came from the gas lighti g and put downs from more than just the ex, it was his parents and eventually I realised my mother as well.

So I guess co dependency. And yes, ex is doing well financially, doing what he pleases and now married plus 10 years. But he married everything he has and has just added to it. He did it by not working but not paying child support, tax etc. And inherited some.

So is he successful? Or did he just find another me that caters to him? And even if he did get off his butt for a bit and work, does that diminish me? No.
I got a job, a good one despite being told I wouldnt. The game is to try and keep us in the mess. In your case you were probably the cheapest farm slave he could find.

That doesn't make you one. The problem is with him.

ploughthrough2021 · April 19, 2021, 07:46:45 PM

'first 2 years (of the six) were wonderful'

That means that the past 4 years has been hell. I rest my case. Move on....

bohemian butterfly · April 20, 2021, 11:28:12 AM

Quote from: Rose1 on April 19, 2021, 06:29:54 PM

In your case you were probably the cheapest farm slave he could find.

^this^ Omg, that one statement, snapped me back to reality because it is absolutely the truth. Thank you so much!

bohemian butterfly · April 20, 2021, 11:29:47 AM

Quote from: ploughthrough2021 on April 19, 2021, 07:46:45 PM
'first 2 years (of the six) were wonderful'

That means that the past 4 years has been hell. I rest my case. Move on....

Thank you so much. You are absolutely right. It hasn't been purgatory, it was he$$.

bohemian butterfly · April 20, 2021, 11:31:36 AM

I wanted to take a moment to thank each and everyone of you for reading and responding. Throughout the day, I go through phases where I am super strong, and then I have a weak moment. I know that I will get through this, and it is so incredibly helpful to read your words because they are the truth. This forum helped me so much a few years ago, and it is helping me now.