Told him I was done ....

[Bettyrubble]

God I'm exhausted

Things have been very distant between me and pwubpd recently. In all honesty I just realised that I couldn't keep going any more. He was very aware of it and confronted me last night. We had a talk the other day and he pointed out that we weren't doing the things that our relationship counsellor suggested ages  ago to make things better.

He asked me what was going on last night and I ended up just going for it. Told him that I could no longer do this. That it isn't fair or healthy to keep trying to fix our relationship. I opted not up even try listing all the issues I have with it but simply explaining that my heart was no longer in it and however tough and scary it was that I needed to stop.

The conversation went as I imagined it would. Disbelief, anger, confusion. He thinks I'm insane for wanting to leave, that I haven't given out relationship time to change. There was a lot that got to me about how I won't be able to cope on my own - especially with money. I will be in such a difficult situation there as we aren't married and I'll have nothing at all.

I eventually went to bed after we'd agreed to not tell the kids for the next 5 weeks (eldest daughter has exams)  but he said I had to do everything possible to be gone immediately after that.

I barely slept then woke up to him having not slept at all and telling me I need to give this more time. That he can try and give me exactly what I need and will keep going to counselling etc. And told me to stay in bed and he'd take care of everything today etc etc

Ugh. It's so freaking hard and now my brain is whirring. Right back to thinking I'm insane for wanting to leave.

[notrightinthehead]

You need a plan and an exit strategy. It seems that you are not in immediate danger for now. You telling him that you have reached the end of your rope might have shocked him. But it might not make your life easier.
If you have nothing after you left, it might erode your resolve rather quickly. You might consider working on a place to move to and some means to support yourself after you left. Of course you could move to a shelter and start picking up the pieces from there. But if you start setting yourself up now, this might not be necessary. You need a clear mind and calm heart to make reasonably good decisions. Use medium chill, non Jade, and boundaries to achieve a calm environment at home. And start working on your exit strategy now. Even if you eventually decide not leave, it will be good for you to have the possibility.

[SonofThunder]

Betty, so sorry you are in the storm. Your mate is, imo, performing classically in the IDD and drama triangle. Lovebombing (to 'hoover' you back onto the triangle and into the IDD) can be very confusing: 

You wrote " ....then woke up to him having not slept at all and telling me I need to give this more time. That he can try and give me exactly what I need and will keep going to counselling etc. And told me to stay in bed and he'd take care of everything today etc etc".

This is classic fear-of-abandonment (foa) and foa drives the lovebombing techniques so you will be exactly gut-wrenched just like you described.  I suggest you revisit your past posts here on Out of the FOG and any other journals you may keep, to know that relationships with PD people are a hamster-wheel for their target (you!). 

I recommend you ignore that gut-wrench (which your mate has, imo, purposefully chosen you for this attribute and conditioned you in this way) and focus on self-improvement for you (your departure) and your children (near future), since you seem to be physically safe.

SoT

[JustKeepTrying]

Betty - this is a tough time but you could manage it to your advantage.  Use the tools described above and in the toolbox to keep the environment calm.  Consider not bringing it up again and just allow the love bombing to happen.  And on the backside make a plan.  Meet with a lawyer and determine what you need to do - get the best advice on how your area divides assets, real estate and items.  Think about custody and your income and where you will live.  Remember, you don't have to leave if you want to stay - you can ask him to.  Or you can both leave and split the house if you own it.

In the mean time start gathering paperwork like all your records, tax returns and medical history.  Make copies of everything!  List all the items in the house and think about what you want and what you don't care about.  It seems overwhelming but there is a robotness to this that can take away the emotion and I found it helped.  There are lots of online resources that a can help guide you - just be careful if you share a computer.

Start saving money.  When you shop take out that extra 20 and stash in your shoe or somewhere he won't look. 

Then when you are ready, pull the trigger.  Remember, keep calm now, lean into him and allow the love bombing and still keep deep inside a firm resolve. 

[Lauren17]

Betty, this was the very scariest time. You're very brave and it sounds like you're doing really well.
I recommend Fair Share Divorce for Women by Kathleen Miller and thehotline.org  Both greatly helped me to come up with an exit strategy. I written up lists of documents I needed, areas where I needed extra help, my 3D support team and what I would say to stbxh.
As the lovebombing continues, expect to be asked "But why!?!" over and over. I felt it helped to have a short list of prepared responses. Maybe yours is "I can't do this anymore"
Keep reading and posting here. Out of the FOG friends have been where you are and have invaluable advice for navigating what's to come.
Strength to you.

[Bettyrubble]

Thank you everyone

It's sinking in for him and the guilt I'm feeling is brutal. He's being so sad and if only i could give him the chance with his therapy to learn how to deal with stress and respond differently things could be so great!

The few warning bells though are that he's referring to his bad behaviour as a past thing and really feels that although not perfect things have been much better for the last few years.

Uhhh no. Less shouting maybe? Although way more shouting at dd15. But still the guilt trips and circular conversations and silent treatment and glares and criticism and telling me I'm not doing xyz enough. In between though and I guess this is what keeps us on the wheel - he can be kind supportive funny and loving.

I haven't been genuinely happy here for such a looooong time.

At least this time I haven't caved. No promises or even suggestions we can fix this. Tears - yes. Sympathy - yes.

Thank god I have therapy on Thursday!!'