Reminder

[TiredOfNarcs]

It's okay not to forgive someone. It's okay to say that you don't forgive someone. You are never morally obligated to forgive someone.

[moglow]

And if you DO choose to forgive, there's no obligation to resume any kind of relationship with them. You can forgive and continue on your way. Without them.

[Gettintired76]

Alot of people fail to realize forgiveness is not forgetting. You can forgive some one and I personally feel you should if they are sincere in their apology and remorse, however it but be strictly understand it does not change what they did and that life will be forever affected by it. Those on the outside looking in have no right to forgive an offender, the offense did not involve them, nor can they judge you on whether you forget it aka, "let it go".

[moglow]

You can forgive some one and I personally feel you should if they are sincere in their apology and remorse, however it but be strictly understand it does not change what they did and that life will be forever affected by it.

Side question on forgiveness:

What if they don't apologize or show any remorse whatsoever, there's simply a request or even expectation that you wipe the slate clean and continue on, leaving the past in the past? I mean, you have history in this situation, there's years/decades of deliberate abuse heaped on abuse that are neither wiped away nor forgotten on any level. Deny "forgiveness" and you're touted as holding grudges. How to deal with that?

[Gettintired76]

Then they have not taken responsibility fir what did and therefore have not earned forgiveness. How can you forgive what they don't perceive as a wrong?

[moglow]

Thank you, and agreed. One of those rhetorical questions I trot out every now and again for our edification. Sometimes we really need to think it all the way through.
I'm all for forgiveness if it helps a person set it down, but when there's no recognition of or remorse for any harm that's been caused ... that's just a bully maneuver to me. No lesson learned, no reason to change.

[Gettintired76]

At the beginning I forgave because I felt she was sincere, then when the sincerity was shown to be false, I forgave because I felt obliged, like somehow it was all my fault anyway. Finally I realized forgiveness only gave her validation, proved to her she could do what she wanted,  added fuel as it were, THAT is when it clicked that it was not forgiveness from me that was needed to change thing, but accountability and responsibility from her. So I no long apologize or give forgiveness unless I personally feel it's warranted and earned.

[Gettintired76]

Agreed

[JustKeepTrying]

I have had several longs talks with my priest about forgiveness - especially in light of confession.  And this sentence is not to turn this into a religious discussion but to inform you on where I'm coming from.

I separate forgiveness and forgetting.  I believe when a person asks you to forgive you and move on with the slate wiped clean - they are asking you to forget - not necessarily forgive. 

Forgiveness is for yourself - not for the other person.  Forgiveness is to lift the anger and hurtful emotion and leave that behind.  So that you can move forward without it.

Forgiveness is often mistaken for forgetting the sins or harmful acts of another.  I don't believe you should do that.  Forgetting puts in harms way again. 

Now, there are circumstances where you should instead put up firmer boundaries; make informed decisions about interactions; and be ready to walk away with person who has harmed you.  And here I will get personal ...

I have forgiven my ex.  I no longer wish to carry the anger I had for him.  But I have not forgotten the harm and abuse and will not put myself in that situation with him again.  NC is fine with me.  But ...

While in the marriage there were times of anger with my children - from my spouse that was attributed to me - and my daughters hold that against me.  To the point of going NC for a long period of time.  I have forgiven them for this and they are working on forgiving me - I don't want to carry the anger about this situation anymore.  What we have all done is use this instead to create better boundaries and calmer interactions.

You are right though.  You don't have to forgive.  Or forget.  It is your choice.

[Associate of Daniel]

JKT, I agree.

Forgiveness imo is not about or for the other person, if the person is non apologetic.

It's firstly for yourself.

In order to maintain our mental, spiritual and even physical health, we need peace.  Harbouring unforgiveness cannot bring peace.

If the other person is sincerely apologetic and follows the apology up with positive change, forgiveness is for their peace as well.

If there is no apology or positive change then radical acceptance needs to be employed on our part and protective boundries put in place.

Love them, accept them for who/what they are but protect yourself from them.

AOD

[SonofThunder]

I believe forgiveness is:  For ourselves to release the tormenting grip that being wronged has on ourselves, and give the wrong(s) to Another, who is more capable in handling the person and decide consequences.  (this isnt the religion thread...) 

This understanding of forgiveness also allows me to finally forgive a person who is already deceased or is alive but has disappeared from my life entirely.  I will never forget (because im human, not limitless in my power), but i will not continue to let the wrongs torment me, otherwise I am allowing the perpetrator to wrong me continuously. 

SoT