How do you end a conversation?

[Sneezy]

One way to deal with PD meltdowns is to simply end the conversation, right?  We all have the right to end any conversation at any time.  But that is easier said than done.  This weekend my mom had a meltdown.  It was a bad one.  I was on the phone with her and she was crying and carrying on about how she has no life and she'd be better off dead, and I couldn't get a word in.  I checked my phone afterwards and it took me 17 minutes to get off the call.  I suppose I could hang up, but she would just assume something had gone wrong with her phone and call me back. 

All was fine 24 hours later, and mom came over for Sunday dinner.  She was great until she wasn't.  All of sudden, she started in about how awful the food is at her senior living complex (I've eaten there, it's not a 5-star restaurant, but it's fine).  She didn't stop to take a breath, just example after example of the horrible food.  I kept interrupting and saying "let's talk about something else."  DH and DS kept saying "well, we don't know what to say" and they both tried to change the subject.  I finally had to just walk out of the room.  And she just kept on talking.

So how do you all do it?  Ending a conversation seems like a good strategy, but I think a lot of PDs are good at just carrying on no matter what.  Strategies?

[Boat Babe]

Hey, they do go on don't they?  Verbal batterings, either aggressive or whiny or passive aggressive. Delusional word salad. Utterly dysfunctional.

You can grey rock it out till she tires. You can walk away. You can reduce contact.

For yourself you can practice Self Compassion as you work through what works best for you and your FOC. You can begin to untie the knots of guilt and obligation that your FOO imposed on you through their godawful PD behaviour. You can observe and not absorb your mother's really sneaky abuse. She'll hate that btw!

[Lisa]

Hi Sneezy,

That sounds like a pretty rough weekend!  How are you doing?

My advice for the better off dead comments is to have an automatic response about those types of comments, maybe something along the lines of...."Mom when you say that it makes me feel worried, I need to know you are safe and will be calling to have a well being check on you (or I will be calling the head nurse to check on you)"; "I know things are hard right now and when you say things like I feel scared that you might hurt yourself,  are you thinking about ending your life?;  "when you say that it makes me wonder if you might be considering ending your life".

It's good she is in a nursing home, you know you can call and share that information with staff and have them follow up with her.

For other types of conversation where she just won't stop complaining.  I would suggest instead of saying let's change the topic, just change it!  Start talking about something else.  Maybe you could start talking about the meal you are currently eating and gratitude for how yummy it is.  Or go for a completely different topic, "oh off topic but somehow that reminds me of this thing....." 
-Walking away, taking a bathroom break or suddenly remembering something you had to do are all great options!  Good for you to take care of yourself in that moment!

I totally get how it can be hard to end conversations, when I had daily contact with my Mom it would take me 20 minutes to end the phone call, it's exhausting.

[Psuedonym]

Hey Sneezy,

One thing I found that worked strangely well is silence. I experienced this scenario many times and what worked was something like this.

M: I'm just so depressed and I have nothing to look forward to blah, blah, blah.
Me: None of this is new and it sounds like you need to talk to psychologist about that. I'm not a psychologist and I'm certainly not your therapist.
M: But I'm so depressed (etc. etc. etc)
Me: .........(just look at her and say nothing)
M: So, you just don't care.
Me: I already told you I"m not a psychologist and i'm not going to keep repeating the same thing (more silence)
M: So you just don't want to discuss it.
Me: Nope. (more silence)

...and the weird thing is that eventually she'd change the subject. I think the main thing here is that you have to get past the illusion that you're talking to a normal adult who is asking for help because they're in some sort of crisis. In reality you're talking to an emotional toddler who's decided that in that moment they aren't getting enough attention and are going to throw a crying tantrum until you fix it. Like a toddler, any reaction they get from you is a positive reward. "I don't want to talk about this anymore"= "this is making me uncomfortable". Success! Ditto for changing the subject. "Have you thought about" or "I know things are difficult" or "I'm concerned about" = now you're playing their game. Success! As they said in War Games many years ago, the only way to win the game is not to play.

[Sneezy]

Thank you all - you know, many years ago, I took a parenting class and the instructor told us that some (maybe most) toddlers go through a stage where they just want to butt heads with their parents.  And if you butt heads with your toddler, the toddler wins.  The way to handle it is not to give in, but also not to butt heads back.  Say something soothing and don't engage in the nonsense.  Similar to puppies.  If you want to teach a puppy not to bark, you don't yell at him.  Because puppies love barking contests and they will just keep barking louder.  Ok, that may be stretching the analogy too far, but you know what I mean.

Where I am a little torn with my mother is that I *know* that the best thing for my mental health is to end the conversation.  But I am also completely fascinated by what mom says and very curious about what else she is going to come up with.  DH says it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.  You know you shouldn't look, but you almost can't help yourself.  However, I think I'm at the point where my mental health is more important than my curiosity.  I am going to start planning out what to say to get off the phone when she melts down.  Worst case, I suppose I can just hang up and then text and tell her that we will talk the next day when she is feeling better.  It will be more difficult when we are physically together, but I will work on it.  Silence is always good, as is changing the subject.  Or leaving the room.  Anything to get her to stop. 

[Andeza]

I believe it was WomanInterrupted who said break out the old "Mom, I can tell you're upset, let's talk later when you're calm." Click. Then if you like you can have someone pop in and check on her. You can probably even request that she get a visit from whoever their preferred mental health provider is, although of course that doesn't guarantee she'll cooperate. What it does do is put her on notice that you're not taking the crap anymore.

As for when she's in your house, I don't have any suggestions. I know personally I wouldn't put myself in that cornered, no escape position... By not inviting her over. But you have to live your life as is best for you, not me, lol.

Best of luck, Sneezy.

[Call Me Cordelia]

WomanInterrupted would say, "Gotta go, the dog's on fire again." 

I really like Pseudonym's method! But that takes some real presence of mind and self-confidence. I think I would have to work up to that level. Also I think that would work best in in-person interactions. I've had more than one phone call where I timed how long Mother could go on before I actually was required to give a response. The record was eight minutes. The best way to end it for me was to start talking about MY life.

"My tulips are blooming! I planted Pants On Fire this year and they are stunning."
"Oh, your aunt Beulah's on call waiting, bye Cordelia!"

[Andeza]

Oh heck, you just reminded me. I timed once how long my uBPDm could go on without stopping. Five hours. I do not generally recommend the method of letting them tire themselves out. You may not have hair left...

CMC, you're totally right. She would say the cat or dog was on fire again. 

[Psuedonym]

I remembered 'gotta go, the dog's on fire again' just before I read your posts, Call me Cordelia and Andeza. Someone must add that to the list of wonderful WomanInterrupted sayings she left us with...

(because WI loved her emojis)

[Boat Babe]

Oh heck, you just reminded me. I timed once how long my uBPDm could go on without stopping. Five hours. I do not generally recommend the method of letting them tire themselves out. You may not have hair left...

CMC, you're totally right. She would say the cat or dog was on fire again. 

Five hours. FIVE HOURS. Dear God.

[SparkStillLit]

You guys, I'm dying over here. The cat/dog is on fire again, I planted Pants On Fire this year and they are stunning....
I have to remember these. I almost want to say them to dh, buuuutttt......that might be a bit INFLAMMATORY

[Sneezy]

Oh heck, you just reminded me. I timed once how long my uBPDm could go on without stopping. Five hours. I do not generally recommend the method of letting them tire themselves out. You may not have hair left...

CMC, you're totally right. She would say the cat or dog was on fire again. 

FIVE HOURS?!?!?!?  You should get some kind of medal for that.  Yikes!

I'm not sure I can pull off the dog's on fire line, but it would be fun to try