But first, tip some out of the overflowing cup

[MaxedOut]

I ended up getting a second therapist a few weeks ago (as more frequent text based option is nice). At the same time my UBPDW's care taking tasks, emotional support needs, and abusive behaviors all jumped (the latter being due to just a really awful series of life events). I've been riding above, at, and slightly below my "limit" and in a state of caregiver burnout and life overwhelm for a couple of years.


But between the circumstances, my deFOGing, and different approaches but similar repeat loop backs from both providers I a finally really getting it that priority 1 needs to be reducing the things. I am not doing great at any of the things that are important to me (home life, job, time with parents, friends, MYSELF). My spouse had a meltdown about me looking for a caregiver to help her while I'm at a multi-day work thing and it turned into three days of getting blasted, trying to talk, all the others ways I fail her, etc. Per usual, divorce threats, suicide threats, name calling, accusations, belittling, etc. but also some productive convos and plans.

My new therapist had worked with me through some "what I'm responsible for/should be responsible for" items earlier in the week. It was demoralizing to face a blast-fest about getting help, but I really, truly realized that nothing gets better unless I get a bunch of the spouse-related/compensating home responsibilities off my plate. Like, nothing. No space for relationship, emotionally overwhelmed, too busy to make headway on stuff, when I do have downtime in the evening it is pretty much just trying to wind down and calm my system. Potential relationship stuff has no room in this pressure cooker, self care is minimal, friends/family relationships are limited (and in one case, there is very little time left), I basically just hang in there on SOs frequent emotional venting, and I would be unlikely to leave without knowing some things have care options and without having enough headspace to think through more.

Neither has said this specifically, but their looping focus and mentions about this continual state of over-limit is finally clicking as more than just "it's really important that you also have self care" and "but does she really have to have you there for that, or is it just making you take responsibility for her emotional regulation and masking valuable knowledge about her functioning to her providers?" As we cycled through talking, dysregulation, crying, conflict the past few days my usual "not sure I can take this anymore" came with clarity that regardless of what she wants to change or I want different in relationship or even taking steps to separate, I am capable of nothing unless I stop doing a bunch of stuff. The trick will be execution, as offloading or automating or accessing service supports also takes time, energy, and often weathering conflict.

Thankfully, all roads have the same initial path. Staying through current crises and reevaluating, trying to create more of what I need within the relationship, and leaving/her wanting a divorce.

Another helper in this "I really get it" now was this recent We Can Do Hard Things podcast episode on REAL Self Care: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/real-self-care-burnout-is-not-your-fault-the-way-out/id1564530722?i=1000651846636. A concept about our crappy individualistic, capitalistic, patriarchal culture that has echoed in my mind for a while is that the "US economy is built on the unpaid labor of women" (and historically slaves, and always underpaid workers of color, etc.). Anyway, a lot of thinking this weekend about how infected our own thinking and conflict views have shades of that (even as two very liberal women). Yeah, so I am going to be opting out of a lot of cultural, societal FOG too.

We are financially struggling in a net income sense and have whittled down prior safety nets but still have enough financial privilege/assets to do some things now and more things later. And my guess is that some things will actually save some of what they cost, plus available services for her from Medicare and being disabled. And probably some tougher ways to get there - like just stopping doing things that are not truly my responsibility and letting the chips fall as they may.

It is helpful getting to a point where I am ok with leaving abruptly, or with having her end the marriage. I know that I can't stay without major change and that needs to be from me to make space for my self, needs, time uses, etc. While I implement some stuff like medium chill at times, neither is us would really tolerate that as a long term dynamic (we don't have kids and her financial independence picture will be better off than it looked before, which was a huge stay-stuck thing for me). It means there really is not a choice. If these things blow up the ship, that's ok. I feel like the devaluation train started down the tracks over two years ago. There is still a fair amount of loving behaviors but the dark stuff is more frequent and darker and the bad-things-about-me are hair-trigger responses most of the time. Hr thinking about me and others and events has gotten more distorted over time, which means I am less invested in having her see me, understand my perspective, etc. She has also gotten to a point of having (sometimes extreme) public dysregulation issues with strangers. It is rare that she is in public but the interactions are not going well (something that would happen maybe once or twice a year before is now regular). It's becoming clear this is way beyond my scope to manage. No JADE is definitely something from the toolkit that is important. I have some safety plans and quick exit stuff in place.

Aha moment: you can't do anything else when water is overflowing and spilling everywhere.

[square]

Hey, it sounds incredibly hard.

One thought I had is that if you arrange respite care for while you're away, you could get it set in your mind (not hers) that you will use it again.

Of course she will not accept this but you can have an option in your back pocket for when YOU need it. For your next work trip. For the next time you have something you have to do that will take all day. For the next time you feel you have no options, well, it's an option.

Yeah, the price is high. If it's a certain level of high, it leads you to think with more urgency about getting out and staying safe.

If it's high but not quite that high, there is a point where your mind can flip and a lot of power she has might be lessened. At some point, you get yelled at either way. At some point, you might just not be able to take it that seriously anymore.

Having a respite care option might be worth drawing the line in the sand over.

[MaxedOut]

Yeah, I have looked at it and have that in mind to become more familiar with. For now the resistance is pretty huge around anyone coming here for her and going to a local respite would be a non-starter. And you are insightful about the importance of having it in my mind and for me and knowing it wasn't too difficult with our modern job match platforms to find several good prospects on short notice.

AND bringing some help on for housekeeping, medical hassle stuff, yard/handy person seems achievable in modest ways. She was supportive of someone perhaps being reachable if there was medical need, which is a start. And I may be able to find a cross listed housekeeping/caregiver or one ok with stuff being mostly household tasks (many in our area are often used for more house, errand, etc. that personal/medical care). So having someone once a week to provided much needed housework help I think helps get that future possibility door cracked. While I am not a "caretaker" personality type I am realizing how this situation has leveraged a lot of unexamined beliefs of mine about helping loved ones who are suffering and in need. Especially when they use a fair amount of manipulation and have deep insecurities/fears/trauma histories around not being cared for that I feel sympathy towards (I do have "fixer" tendencies).

I'm realizing she is more aware of how unstable she is and that is (understandably) one of the concerns about someone she doesn't know being here. She's really wanting to do DBT and while I don't have unrealistic hopes about changes/longevity, having a coach on call to talk through active dysregulation could really help and give me "respite" from being the person who stops whatever to attend to that.

The tasks are a lot, but the emotion dumping and using me for emotional regulation are really wearing. And she's been pretty suicidal for a long time, which is heart-wrenching, comes with a lot of helpless distress, and is a huge emotional load for me. Those are harder to internally and relationally tackle, so first the tasks.

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It's really interesting that she is receptive to some forms of outside help. You might consider pulling the trigger on one of the less threatening ideas, even if it's not a high priority for you, just to open the door. Having someone in to mow the lawn might make the next thing easier.

I agree you can't get your hopes up, but my understanding is that DBT is the most effective therapy for BPD type cases, so if she's open to that, it may be well worthwhile to encourage. Just remember to be careful of never ever bringing it up as anything but something to help her. And yeah, expectations low. If there is an Incident, you can encourageher to reach out to the therapist to help HER feel better (and if that makes YOUR life any calmer, hmm, no complaints).

The burden of her suicidal ideations must be very heavy for you, and I am sorry.

[MaxedOut]

It is interesting. Another differentiation seems to hinge on what she thinks it says about her and what her biases and beliefs are around that characterization (xx people need home health assistance; I'm not xx). This jives with prior stuff; she had a lot of struggles accepting her diagnoses mood disorder, with beliefs she had around people with mental illness, about becoming disabled, about what society and jerks think of people with disabilities, around pain disorder syndromes being a real thing (before suffering from one).

And there is a huge difference about *who needs help* and is getting it. She does not want to consider needing anyone to help her but is ok(ish) with me needing someone to help with the things I do to help her. This could be for the same or very similar tasks. I get that to an extent: it's easier to think of something as a thing you are doing to support and help ease life for your spouse instead of being at a point where your needs for care and support are requiring paid people.

[square]

Well I can see how "wife needs help so we hire X" feels different from "I'm a huge burden so we hire X." I think this could be sensitive for almost anyone. But a healthy person will recognize that not dealing with it places tremendous strain on the caregiver, and won't want to do that.

My husband has become ill over the years, I believe with schizophrenia. Whatever it is has torn down his ability to function. He was functional as a young adult. But he is no longer able to manage tasks like mowing the lawn or taking the trash to the dump (and I'm disabled myself and can't take up this slack).

I hired a trash service, and he was really mad. It was a thing. Several meltdowns. The first time they showed up, though, he seemed relieved. The issue of course was that he felt criticized by my arranging this service (though I never said anything like that, just sold it as a convenience to us).

Last year I paid an odd jobs guy to mow our lawn a couple of times. This time I didn't even give husband a heads up. He was mad, but less so, and got over it super quick. Heck, he suggested another yardwork chore for the guy to do. He really wanted the help but his ego really struggled.

Of course respite care would be a much bigger struggle to come to terms with for your wife, as there are additional layers to it. But if housework and yardwork are things you can outsource at all, I would encourage you to do it. It may make respite care 5% easier to face.

But yeah, I recognize there is a lot of baggage there. She's obviously got some unhelpful values around it in addition to the vulnerability anyone would feel.

[Rebel13]

While I am not a "caretaker" personality type I am realizing how this situation has leveraged a lot of unexamined beliefs of mine about helping loved ones who are suffering and in need. Especially when they use a fair amount of manipulation and have deep insecurities/fears/trauma histories around not being cared for that I feel sympathy towards (I do have "fixer" tendencies).

Good on you for letting these insights come to you! I wish you all the best in coping with/managing this difficulty situation and I'm glad you are finding ways to care for yourself. I hope you can feel proud of these things!