Am I right to feel angered at how they behaved?

[discarded]

My possibly pd "relative" was fixated on a sexual abuse case that happened to me many years ago (I am keeping this gender neutral for anonymity reasons). More than 30 years later they started telling me some "new" information about the case. It's hard to cross reference how reliable their information was because they gathered this by trying to provoke my mother to discuss the case in front of her new partner. Also, with the passage of time, the court documents had reached their statute of limitations for being accessed.

Reasonably it seems, my mother asked them to stop talking about it. This relative used my mother's reaction to say that she lied about everything including her history with my abuser, where we lived etc.

This relative also claimed that my mother refused to be interviewed by police, and never was interviewed by police, and went on stress leave during the investigation. The relative really doesn't know what exactly transpired between my mother and the police, or what they told her, or how they interviewed her, if at all.

It feels like with the passage of time this relative came up with their own theories on what happened, without solid proof.

What really bothers me is it seems they just liked provoking negative reactions to use against you. I had a difficult experience with a neighbour, and my other neighbours thought that they were in the wrong. This relative would scream at me and accuse me of lying for stuff I didn't lie about. Even though I was being clear and polite with my neighbour (they were drunk and verbally attacking me), this relative said I am just a difficult person and caused the situation. They tried to blame me for the most unprovocative responses. They just used this situation to skewer my character and blame me. If I said anything about it my words got twisted into a lie and I was accused of lying about the situation, in the worst way possible. They seemed to come up with their own theory of what happened without even being there. That's how "right" they think they are. They don't have to witness it to declare what's a lie or not.

After that situation this relative thought I deserved to be punished for it, it seemed. I had been no contact with my mom due to episodes of abuse with her (physical and emotional- used to get my adult brother to attack me). This relative, who claimed my mother was complicit in a sexual abuse case towards me, then said they almost gave my address to my mom, despite my wish to be no contact. It seemed they did this to punish me for the incident between me and that drunk obnoxious neighbour.

My guess is they were trying to provoke a response out of me- mostly negative. I laughed because it seemed like such a weird thing to do, and I said, "omg I would disown you. Why?"

This relative raged at me. They could barely contain their rage when I joked. They were hoping I would feed them negative information about my mom to feed their ego. I gave the wrong answer even though I wasn't being serious. I had to explain, you can't just go handing out someone's personal information without asking.

I think what really incenses me about this situation is how this relative seems to use anything you say as evidence, and use past trauma to provoke you and manipulate you. It's like nothing is off limits for them to go after and use.

When I caught them in a lie, and stated I felt they were being dishonest they absolutely went after me. I was the worst person in the world. I am pathetic, a loser, and I had no right to criticize them because how wonderful they are and how they have wonderful things, and a husband.  I merely criticized how she claimed to have a conversation with my mom's partner about me, making it sound like she had been in recent and direct communication with him, to then go on and accuse me of imagining things when I mentioned it.

I am done. I am done with seeing it from the angle, "well there might be some truth to it." Don't use someone's trauma to trigger them, or manipulate them, or tell little white lies to get them on "your side." This relative does not care about my trauma, and in the end it was used to point out "what an angry person I am."

Great, you essentially told a terrible f*cking lie, now you want to skewer my character for having difficult emotions towards a terrible experience, like childhood sexual abuse, and other forms of abuse.

It's their inability to see you as a person, and to use your trauma to provoke you, and then use your reaction against you.

For further added rage inducing insanity they pulled this stunt when my mother died.

[bloomie]

discarded - how disrespectful and harmful this relative's treatment of you is. To use your trauma and terrible experiences against you for some strange gain for them is reprehensible. Clearly, you have worked out that this is a person you cannot trust.

The thing I have learned about anger is it is asking us the questions: what needs to be protected and what needs to by preserved. Anger is not wrong. Our emotions are not wrong. They are powerful indicators and can help us when we understand what they are telling us. Anger is also an energizing emotion often giving us the empowerment we need to move through difficulties.

The work of Karla McLaren around emotions has been so helpful to me and it might be of help to you. Here is a link to her work around anger: https://karlamclaren.com/emotional-vocabulary-page/

I hope digging into developing an emotional vocabulary and discerning what your anger is helping you with in the face of such intrusive and inappropriate attempts to victim shame you and rewrite history by your relative.

Sending you strength and wisdom as you go forward.

[moglow]

Discarded, I was reminded lately of the saying "never accept criticism from someone you wouldn't go to for advice." This person had *no right* to pound away at you, most certainly not given the circumstances. Their anger and dissatisfaction with life isn't yours, and there's not one reason for you to take it on or for it to become yours in some way. Whatever their supposed theories may be, none of that is their business. Not on any level. You're entirely within your own rights to just cut them out like a cancer, leave them in their nastiness.

Bloomie makes excellent points about anger - maybe this episode is to help teach you what is/isn't appropriate and how to address it going forward. While I pray people wouldn't be as nastily intrusive and abusive to you again, I know there are others out there who are. 

Dont let their stuff become yours - and don't think for one minute you owe anyone an explanation of your feelings!

[discarded]

I think it hit me the other day that I not only lost my mother but my entire family.

I felt guilt for not being able let it roll off my back but I also realized that as they mistreated me, I was very emotionally vulnerable to them. They did not respect my emotional experiences and couldn't even give a valid reason as to why  I deserved to be treated that way.  They said I forgot to buy them a gift one year for Christmas as a reason why they think my memory is faulty, and I am a liar.  It made no goddam sense.  It showed me they didn't really give a fuck what the actual truth was, and they only care if a version of "truth" suits them.

I feel lonely and like I lost so many people this year. It makes me vulnerable and it's hard to decide who is worth letting in.

[moglow]

My theory: someone who wants to be angry and gets all defensive with you will always find something. My mother does that, she'll invent or blow something all out of proportion just so she can unload on others. It's usually the most inane random crap she finds in her memory banks and comes at you out of nowhere. And somehow she always seems to know when you're most vulnerable and just have no fight left. Problem for me [and I'm guessing you] is, I wasn't allowed to be mad. So I learned to turn it all inward, assuming "they" must be right. And I continued to beat myself up as a result.

Something one of my brothers pointed out a while back that felt like a gut punch: When in your life were those people ever there when you needed them? When did they step up for you, defend you, try to help you in any way? They KNEW and did nothing, still do and say nothing. His point ... So did you really lose anything or are the blinders just off now? Their opinions of me, my life,my decisions - mean nothing. It's like the rip of a bandaid, still not easy and there to be dealt with, but that made it more bearable for me. It was almost comforting, the realization that I'd BEEN making it and getting through without them all along.

Some people add to your life, some take away. It helps recognizing those people, even if it's later than you'd have liked.

[discarded]

My theory: someone who wants to be angry and gets all defensive with you will always find something. My mother does that, she'll invent or blow something all out of proportion just so she can unload on others. It's usually the most inane random crap she finds in her memory banks and comes at you out of nowhere. And somehow she always seems to know when you're most vulnerable and just have no fight left. Problem for me [and I'm guessing you] is, I wasn't allowed to be mad. So I learned to turn it all inward, assuming "they" must be right. And I continued to beat myself up as a result.

Something one of my brothers pointed out a while back that felt like a gut punch: When in your life were those people ever there when you needed them? When did they step up for you, defend you, try to help you in any way? His point ... So did you really lose anything or are the blinders just off now? It's like the rip of a bandaid, still not easy and is there to be dealt with, but that made it understandable for me. It was almost comforting, the realization that I'd BEEN making it and getting through without them all along. Some people add to your life, some take away. It helps recognizing those people, even if it's later than you'd have liked.

I think the anger was actually theirs, not mine. They did not like I could so easily trigger them so they tried to make it my feelings, and my problem. They're projecting.

You're right about them always being there when you feel low or vulnerable to make you feel worse.

The most predictable thing is they'd do is say something hurtful or try to make me feel bad, or outright sabotage me during difficult moments while harping to everyone what I allegedly did wrong. They'd always do something fucked up when I was going through something, or expressed vulnerability.

Accusing me of lying was another projection. I remember my superintendent gave me the creeps and I didn't feel good about letting him in my place. I was accused of lying about such a nice man. He was an alcoholic and dangerously unpredictable. Without proof I was accused of lying about him being in my place. I was given 0 validation and when the superintendent acted inappropriately I was blamed for it. Even the superintendent said he was in my place, and he did act like a major creep.

I came to them from an honest place and they'd come at me with putdowns and accusations of lying.

With time, the more this happened the more I recognized how deceptive they were being.

If I pointed it out I would be screamed at and dragged. I never treated them so harshly.

In public they will say "I don't understand why they're so cruel and calloused. They're crazy. They're lying."

In private they taunt, sneer, lie and try to provoke.

They're energy vampires.

[moglow]

That's what I meant: I'm guessing they were looking for reason to lash out and sounds like they dug way back until they found something they could use. It could be on some level they feel guilty for not having stepped up for you and are looking for ways to shove that off rather than, again, stepping up with even a much-overdue apology.

In public they will say "I don't understand why they're so cruel and calloused. They're crazy. They're lying."

In private they taunt, sneer, lie and try to provoke.

They're energy vampires.

Too familiar. Keep putting that all where it belongs and refuse to take it on yourself!

[discarded]

That's what I meant: I'm guessing they were looking for reason to lash out and sounds like they dug way back until they found something they could use. It could be on some level they feel guilty for not having stepped up for you and are looking for ways to shove that off rather than, again, stepping up with even a much-overdue apology.

In public they will say "I don't understand why they're so cruel and calloused. They're crazy. They're lying."

In private they taunt, sneer, lie and try to provoke.

They're energy vampires.

Too familiar. Keep putting that all where it belongs and refuse to take it on yourself!

One thing my relative dug up and threw back in my face and accused me of "threatening" them with was when I jokingly said I would disown them. They approached me and said they almost gave my address to my abuser without asking me. My response was not a threat but really a confused response because it came out of left field. Why do that? I didn't give them the response they were looking for, so I am a baaaad person.

They reframed the story as if I approached them and attacked them with this information. They swore up and down they had no idea where my abuser lived. Yeah? Really? Then why'd you say you almost gave my address to them? They will manipulate your response after they deliberately try to provoke a response.

They tried to use this incident as evidence of my "cruelty" towards them.

[moglow]

Discarded, we've never been taught this but we had to learn by doing: People are going to be who they are and it's not our job to fix them. Our job is to be the best we can be, and when we know better we do better. I'm not trying to sound trite but hopefully boost you a bit. We can frame our thoughts our very best, and someone with bad intentions can and will still turn them into something we never intended. That's not our stuff. They made choices there, just as we all do every day. They want to be mad and a victim and everybody else is the bad guy? Cool, they can do that. Does that change you or me? Nope, not one little bit. It just shines a spotlight on who THEY are. Pay attention to that spotlight then move on and let it go out on its own.

It could be those people are angry at everything and everyone, and you got trapped in the crosshairs this time. Guarandamntee someone else just escaped that same treatment, by those very people. As circles narrow and their worlds grow smaller, they may cycle through the same people over and over until they're trapped alone in a corner of their own making.

Breathe! Take a good deep breath and go for a walk or snuggle with the goodness of a pet, whatever soothes you. Don't let ugly people continue to steal your joy.

[discarded]

Thanks for all your feedback. I just consider myself in a grief process, and am taking care, and just choosing people who don't drain my energy.

Not everyone gets what I am going through and a lot of people always try to say "but they're family." Sometimes toxic is just toxic and you have to leave it.

[treesgrowslowly]

One thing I have appreciated learning from Patrick Teahan (who has excellent videos on youtube on healing from family dysfunction) is that families go after the truth teller.

It is not safe to stay in contact with people who will rage at you and so I'm glad you are seeing this for the toxic soup that it is.

It is heartbreaking to realize our family is not our port in the storm in life. Some families really are toxic. The family member who rages at the truth teller is acting to preserve the status quo. The truth teller is upsetting the narrative they have about who they are. Meanwhile, the truth teller sees through their BS.

You see through their BS.

You are very much believed here and your truth is important to you and to us.

Family members who rage at truth tellers are protecting the abuse / abuser. Instead of confronting the abuse, they confront the truth teller.

As someone who grew up in a family with a lot of bullies, I feel for you. Take all the time you need to honor your grief process.  Your screen name says a lot. I remember realizing that I had been discarded because I told the truth about who we were as a family (we were a group that protected bullies and abusers). My truth was not welcome so I left.

Trees