Why do my siblings ignore the situation?

[sarandro]

As soon as I wrote the title, I knew really!

They liked the fact that I was the 'black sheep', the SG...always someone to blame and shame.

My 'long suffering' little brother has been the one to 'deal' with my mother's behaviours, living close by and not having his own family.

When I went NC with mother after my father died, he seemed to understand.
I sent him a letter (before my dad died) telling him
~ that I would not be at my mother's beck and call like him
~  that I appreciated all he does for her
~  that he didn't have to do so much
~  that I hoped he would not make himself ill doing too much
~  that he would not 'lose it' like I had!
I told him that I loved him and hoped he understood why I had to go NC for my own mental/physical health and that of my own family.

Apart from an email, asking if 'I could see the light at the end of the tunnel yet? (ie...when would I be 'back to normal...SG) and how dare I think he might 'lose it' (only I am mental apparently)...I have heard nothing.

My younger sister sent one email, saying we (meaning me) should 'Put our differences behind us and concentrate on helping mother now she is old and all alone.
Then nothing either.

It makes it clear to me that I was never part of the charade of a family and am best off without them all.

It highlights the triangulation all those years...I never understood what was going on until I came to this forum.

I wonder how the dynamic has changed and if one of them has been made the SG, or if they are all secretly happy not to have to deal with the 'mental' one??

Thinking very deeply about their enmeshed behaviour...they seem to live in fear of upsetting her by calling her out on her behaviours.
I, on the other hand, have mostly been the one to object to the things she would do and say and point it out ask her not to, ask her why etc

I have always been the one to speak the truth...being dramatic...bringing up the past etc etc
I never understood, until recently, that her world was distorted and grandiose and anyone who challenged her way would be ostracised.

My siblings cannot be allowed to have a relationship with me, in case they, too, start to come Out of the FOG

Maybe they might be able to when she's gone?

As the eldest, I looked after both of them, when I married, they both came to my house three or four times a week...it was me they came to when they had problems, we had a good relationship.

It was when I remarried (first husband was a bully and violent, but mother liked him) to someone mother didn't like, they stopped coming round.

It was as if they had been told to 'take sides', that was 25 years ago and nothing much has changed.

Ha ha...I have answered my own question XXX

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hugs. It was over with my siblings too when I went NC with mom and dad. It hurts and it's awful. But yes it's better this way!

[sarandro]

Hi Call me Cordelia...better all round for me and for them in the end.

I think if NC had been their idea, they would he happier...their choice, their control.
The fact that I went and did what I said I would must be very annoying to them.

If they weren't my family I would have ditched them long, long ago.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Haha much easier on the ego to be the dumper than the dumpee. But honestly... I'd spent many years putting way more effort into the relationships with them. I have also played the role of supportive eldest sister. Their rejection and taking for granted of me was tacit for a long time. I was finally just honest about it. Yes, very annoying and inconvenient. Too inconvenient to bother with me anymore, apparently. After a half-hearted attempt or two to get me back to normal.

The sibling ghosting scenario seems really, really common!

[blacksheep7]

Hi Sarandro

Sorry that you are living that also, very painful when we wonder why our siblings are not there for us especially having lived the same painful upbringing.  We are all different in dealing with it.  Some do simply not want to go back there, think or talk about it saying it's the past.

Your story is my story, my name blacksheep7 but now I am a proud blacksheep.  I was once a dutiful daughter, especially when my NF died and still in the fog.  My NM who was dependent upon NF only lived in his shadow, an ignoring type and always stood behind him telling us we were bad kids.  We only reacted to NF's violence and lack of love and attention seeking for it elsewhere, not always in a proper manner which got us in trouble.

After NF's death, NM became very needy and if I didn't answer to her demands, it was threats and emotional blackmail.  When she pulled a narc rage at me, I went nc on the spot because it brought on c-PTSD (my NF rages)  not knowing what it was at the time but  I knew that at 55 years old I would not put up with that.

Long story short, I am the second eldest girl of two and two boys, I wrote a long email to my two youngest siblings to let them know my reason for nc.  The eldest, my brother was not part of my life as he left us to live in another province to have his own life for 35 years, hardly every contacted us.  He only came back after his wife died because he was alone but that's another story.

My other younger brother once told me that he understood that I had issues with nm and told me to "work on it" which pissed me off, I let him know and he never contacted me again.
My sister became angry with me because NM triangulated.  Once wrote me an email to forgive which I never answered.  Now I heard that she misses me. I was her only friend. So do I but I'm not going back because she is very enmeshed with NM and don't ever want to live the drama again.

To answer your question as to why they ignore the situation......my opinion is that they are in the FOG, much obligation and guilt.  It is my siblings reasons to take care of an old parent that mostly portrays to all Perfection Kindness & Love.   My siblings have fleas and narc traits also.  They would love for me to go back so I can be the blacksheep for the family.
Ain't going to happen.

Take care 

[sarandro]

Thanks, Cordelia and Blacksheep!

It feels like we have similar PD's acting out from some sort of prearranged script.

Blacksheep...your story IS my story too...every single bit (May I ask, is your older brother back in their fold or does he understand your stance?)

Cordelia...ghosting me first would put them in charge of things....so glad I'm out...no more ME making compromises to keep the status quo. and yes, now they no longer have the annoyance of me always rocking the boat X

The added bonus for them of course, is that the 'inheritance' will now be theirs....more for them...as it has always been!

I don't think they want me back, even as the SG...I made them think too much about their behaviours too...questioned their motives...challenged their authenticity.

Anyway, with me out of the way, they can cosy up to each other and talk about me without any repercussions...and that is what they like to do, it makes them feel better about themselves to have me to criticise.
''Poor Sarandro...I wish she wasn't so mentally deranged...why won't she let us help her...she has no money...we will give her money if she comes back blah blah''

''What sort of a person would abandon her poooooor mother at Christmas?''

Yes, I think they like things as they are, but will say to anyone else how much I am hurting them by staying away.

They are all damaged people who have damaged me...I knew no better before...I thought it was me...I was told it was always me/my fault.
Now I know better how to protect myself...
No one should have to feel like they need to protect themselves from their own FOO

[blacksheep7]

My eldest brother came back as I said when his wife died and we all forgave him because of that, we felt sorry for him. He was the godfather of my other brother's son and never showed up at the christening.  He didn't come to his wedding either and when he was in town would always tell us that if his wife called, there might be a possibility that he would go back home on the spot.  His wife was mentally ill and my bro was and still is a people pleaser.

So the first year that he was back in our lives, it was a lot of catching up and having fun like when we were back in our twenties, laughing, giggling and going out.  He is 15 months older than me and I thought we were the best of friends back in the day.  Not long after I realized he was an alcoholic, everything went downhill from there so I went nc and NM did not like that at all.  She thought we would be a big happy family and triangulated from then on enabling my brother, why?  Because she too did not see him any more than we did and he was buying her love by guilt I guess of being absent: groceries, trips etc.  He comes regularly around once a month, as my dh says to "punch his card", never stays longer than two days and always during the week, not on weekends.

I was always known as the angry one, well yeah.  The freakin dysfunction.

I read an article how alcoholics are similar to narcissists.
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism-decoded/2017/07/11-ways-narcissists-and-alcoholics-are-similar/?li_source=LI&li_medium=popular17

[sarandro]

Blacksheep, I've just read the article and I can see that the behaviours are very much centred around what the PD selfishly wants, to the detriment of everyone else.

I am slowly learning to accept the situation for what it is.
Not my doing...didn't cause it ...can't change it...now I don't care X

[blacksheep7]

I would like to mention that I do not judge people that have addictions like alcoholism among others.  In my foo, my sibs and myself  had addictions which helped us cope, ease the pain of the suffering....self-medicate.
Some still use, it's there way of life and I don't think they will ever stop and for one sib it was passed down to his children.  It makes me sad because they are good kids but grew up with a father who had anger issues, moody....they walked on eggshells.
I do understand fully but there comes a point that if  it interferes in your life and with the people close to you like family, it has to stop.  Gc brother was aware of his problem and so was NM, she would come crying to me for his actions.  He said that he would go into treatment but never did.  NM told me that gcb told her that it was too difficult to stop.

[sarandro]

I have come to the conclusion that I think far too much about everything, always have, and my sibs do not.

I realise now, that it is all OK, I will probably always think deeply about things, they will probably not...I have realised, I just can't care any more.

Everyone has their own way of getting through, whether it be drugs, alcohol or indeed, getting a Narc supply, it's all addiction.

I don't judge either, but when it affects me and mine...I have to get away from it.

To some extent, my addiction has been to long for a loving FOO and acceptance for my boundaries and all
this pain from NC is just me going 'cold turkey' and having withdrawal symptoms.
Knowing that they won't do me any good, but wanting them anyway.

I have been so, so desperate in the past, for them to love me...unrequited love is always the most painful, isn't it?

I'm out now, and there is no going back to that..I'm too damaged by it all..I finally see things for what they are, let them all get on with it!

[p123]

Im always so impressed by people who have the courage to go NC - good for you. I just dont have the courage....

I have just one brother so can only imagine dealing with several siblings doing the same thing. I guess its the same crap for all of us "got to look after when they're old", "they looked after us when we were kids".

I can only look up to people who, quite rightly, put their own families first.

[blacksheep7]

Quote:
I have come to the conclusion that I think far too much about everything, always have, and my sibs do not.

[sarandro]

 

[blacksheep7]

p123

Please don't be so hard on yourself.  I don't think it's a question of courage, we all have a scale of what we can and cannot endure, each our story.  It can also be very scary to think that we will be alone as family is still or should be some sort of comfort.
For myself, It was just that I had had enough.  When NF died and NM started acting like him since she had a good teacher/model, it was like I was reliving my painful teen years.  The anger, I should say rage had come up after having stuffed it down for decades with 1000 paper cuts in between. I finally decided to respect myself.....I did not deserve that treatment at all.
No, it didn't come easy either but all worth the while today.
Some people can still function with vlc.

[sarandro]

I agree, Blacksheep, ...p123, you are being too hard on yourself...maybe you are suffering from low self esteem...as was I.
I too used to be too concerned with what others were doing, I thought that I could change them...all we can do is change the way we respond to the crazy.

It has taken a LOT of soul searching for me to go NC...it doesn't make me courageous, just very sad that things are like they are.
Finally making that decision to go NC for me was the only real option...all the other choices would mean me going back to being the SG

To go back to my topic...siblings ignoring the situation...
They have no insight into the behaviours of my mother or themselves...the elephant in the room!!
Or maybe they do and are in denial??

[p123]

Thanks both..... Yeh I've just got so much going on in my life last thing I need is a huge argument. Its wrong but I take the easy option...

[moglow]

Sanandro, for years we all (brothers and I) ignored that elephant too. It was safer and easier to find workarounds and stay at a distance. We were all rarely in the same place and mother honestly wasn't involved enough to build any real relationship with any of us. Out of sight, out of mind with her.

Mother was married and isolated herself further by choice, rarely inviting any of us, more often openly discouraging visits. She claimed it was our stepfather's doing, but ... He was a convenient excuse. Thankfully for me, I got along well with my stepfather. Had it not been for him, I wouldn't have been around either.

But, that also meant I was a convenient scapegoat and dumping ground for mother. My brothers weren't there, they honestly didn't see or hear any of it other than thirdhand. Their jokes of "you're the girl, one day she'll be all yours" fell flat. When stepfather passed away mother clung to me as if there were anything I could do, as if I were a replacement. Little things started coming out, cracks became crevices, then the grand canyon inside mother's head broke open piece by piece.

Honestly no one admitted how bad it was until she turned on them. They'd actually not seen her for who she is, but once they did it couldn't be unseen. She pulled another stunt with my youngest brother not a month ago - he was so hurt, no clue that it wasn't *him* but who she really is. It's painful for me, seeing and hearing the effect on him.

What I'm saying is very simply, every relationship within a family is different from every other. Just as you have (had?) different relationships with your siblings, so they have/had with her. For many, avoidance is the best, easiest way to deal. If you're not the target, it's easier to overlook. When you are, you just hope and pray for diversion, even if its one of the siblings who's the new target.

We do sometimes talk about mother now, compare notes and look for backup. We don't gang up on her, but it does help having that confirmation that it's not all in our mind. I'm less alone now and yet more than ever at the same time. I felt for so many years she didn't love *me*, now I realize it's just who she is. She doesn't have it in her and I still wonder why the hell she had children at all.