What Boundaries AREN'T

[moglow]

Personal beef of mine and as time goes on I see more and more of it: People throwing down that "s/he/they are disrespecting my boundaries!! I've told them and told them and they won't stop!" In the words of Hermione Granger: Then it's not very good, is it?

Boundaries aren't lists of rules for others to follow. They're quite literally where we leave off and others begin. If we just go around screeching and stomping THIS IS MY BOUNDARY!! nothing has changed. If we stand there and demand that *others* change, that's not protecting our boundary. That's a tantrum.

Example:
I deeply dislike gossip, tearing down or laughing about others misfortunes [whether they're present or not]. I asked and asked that we not have those "conversations," that she's telling me personal things about others that I don't need to know and she's apparently having fun with it. Mother would sneer at me and often as not say "I need to VENT!' No. Ya don't. That's not your business and it's not presented in a kind compassionate "What can we do to help them?" kind of way, it's mocking belittling, gleeful over their obvious pain. JUST like you do to me, actually. Back and forth and back and forth.

Finally I found boundaries. I told her *I* am not going to have that conversation with you, period end of, and I'm not going to argue it again either. I started going silent then changing the subject. I made it clear I don't want to hear it and if I have to end conversations when it starts up, that's what I'm going to do. She claimed I was trying to control her - nope! I'm controlling ME, what goes into my head.

No, she didn't respond well and no it didn't get better right away. I had to be consistent and shut it down every time, eventually she stopped. Okay she pretty much stopped talking to me at all, but honestly if that's the basis for our conversations I don't need it anyway.

Just thoughts from the edge.

[square]

Fantastic post, Mo!

[bloomie]

Love these thoughts, Moglow!

[Rebel13]

I love this too! Now I think it is hilarious when they accuse "You're trying to control me!" After my mother went to therapy (LOL) and someone asked her not to say or do something, she would say, "It's a free country!" The first time she tried to use that on me, I said, "Yep, it is! And I have the freedom not to listen! So I'm going to my room now."  Oooooh, she hated that.

[notrightinthehead]

Boundaries aren't lists of rules for others to follow. They're quite literally where we leave off and others begin. If we just go around screeching and stomping THIS IS MY BOUNDARY!! nothing has changed. If we stand there and demand that *others* change, that's not protecting our boundary. That's a tantrum.


Totally love that. Sadly, most of my boundary enforcing means that I pull away and remove myself. I wish I had a better way, a way that allowed me to stick around. Maybe couragously let the other person know that I disagree or object at least once before I fade.

[moglow]

Notright, sometimes that's the option we have. They don't take or buy obvious clues, ignore and disregard direct requests. We deflect and distract to no avail. So we shut down and remove rather than subject ourselves to it. It's still our boundary and we are enforcing it as best we can.