BPDm sends in FM brother for the first time

[WinterStar]

My BPDm has successfully flying monkied my brother. It's a new and incredibly upsetting development in this PD family nightmare.

Over time I have slowly backed away from my BPDm. I stopped giving her constant reassurance and emotional support. I made visits shorter and less frequent. About a year ago, I was finally comfortable with our relationship. I saw her every couple of months for manageable visits. Yay! I thought. I got a call from her in April, and she was hysterically crying because she felt like we were in a "bad place." I ended up listening to her for about an hour and a half about how my kids' birthday parties don't accommodate her enough, she wants to see us more, etc.

Since then, I've made plans with her a little less frequently and put in firm end times so that they don't drag on. Her response has been to stop initiating contact. When I email her invitations to the kids' birthday parties, she sends a polite, terse response. This is such a 180 from the woman I've known my whole life that it makes me feel off balance, but I refuse to let her know that. At our last visit near Christmas, I told her that I'm pregnant, and, as always, she failed to even inquire after the health of me or the baby and has continued to fail to inquire in the following months. She also tried to schedule coming to my daughter's school for parent/child day. She had been invited to attend those days for my other daughters because I couldn't go to all of them. I never invited her to youngest daughter's parent/child day. She didn't ask if she could come; she asked when she could come. And she asked in front of the kids, so it was hard to say, "I want to go to all of them". This was all by design, I'm sure. When I had another email to send her about something else, I mentioned that I would be going to all of youngest daughter's parent/child days. She only responded to the main topic of the email and never acknowledged what I said about the parent/child days.

So brother. I don't think he has a PD, though he is my NPDf's favorite FM. He passes on abuse from my father who I am extremely low contact with (just a Christmas gift because I want to). My brother is also incredibly difficult to correspond with. He didn't respond to the invitation to DD1's birthday. He didn't respond to the invitation to DD3's birthday until I had to cancel it due to coronavirus. Then, his response was a list of excuses about how hard things have been for him. Basically, justifying his lack of previous response. Super typical. I didn't bother answering. He called on Sunday and again yesterday. Also typical. When he contacts me, he expects an immediate response.

I replied to my brother with an email today. Letting him know we are fine, but things are a lot right now. My husband and I are both working from home with all three kids here too. My husband wasn't allowed to come with me to my ultrasound today. We're trying to figure out how to approach this baby's birth in this difficult time. He replies by thanking me for the update and instructing me to send an update to my mom. I'm livid. First, because he completely sidesteps all that I'm dealing with right now. Second, because I know this is a message being passed on by my mother who hasn't contacted me but wants me to contact her, so she's been complaining to brother and hoping he would mention it to me. This is so stressful and the exact opposite of what I need right now.

I'm not sure what to do.
A. What I want to do is essentially say, "How dare you!" Tell him he has no business butting in on who or when I contact anyone else. Maybe mention how insensitive it is for him to ignore what I'm dealing with. I like this option because I'm mad, and I'd like to express that. In my family, I'm not allowed to express anger or stand up for myself. I don't like this option because my brother may have some kind of abusive response to it, and the story will likely reach my mother, and she'll know that her FM job got a reaction.
B. Respond simply: I can handle my own correspondence, thanks. It communicates "boundary overstepped" but with less volatility. It may or may not get back to my mother.
C. No response. Radio silence. Mom's FM trick didn't work. Brother doesn't get a response because he doesn't deserve one. It's a good option, but it feels a lot like the role I've been given of not being allowed to have a voice in my family.

What thinks you good people?

[FromTheSwamp]

I like Option B.  It's direct and doesn't escalate.  If he tries to escalate, then ignoring would be very appropriate. 

But if you want to express your anger, that's totally justified too.  It's not something I've ever felt safe doing, myself.  In my family my anger wasn't allowed.  So take my vote with that in mind.

[WomanInterrupted]

Personally, Option C has worked best for me - nothing but sweeeeeeeeeet silence, because there IS nothing to say.  The boundary stomping was SO egregious it warrants only my silence - which will continue from this point forward.   

I think a response would send the wrong message, meaning that there's more to say and FIGHT about - like the upcoming birth of your child.  (Congratulations, BTW!  )

Your mom has issues with being "abandoned" and accommodated, as in nobody does enough for her, doncha know? 

You've put up more boundaries and moved away from involving her in your life, which your mom probably hates with the power of 10,000 suns - BUT THEN!  Covid 19 came along and if your mom is anything like unBPD Didi (my alleged "mother") was like, she's going to expect to be figuratively sutured to your hip, while you make ALL your plans around her - including the birth of your child.   

Yeah - she wasn't interested BUT there's Covid and NOBODY is going to tell HER she can't be at the birth of her own grandchild!   

See this example:  Nobody is going to tell her what to do, and that includes some dumb virus.   

The last time Didi tried to opine that she knew better than a doctor, I told her she'd have to fight it out with that doctor because I wasn't getting involved.   

I could have saved myself that grief by not telling her a damned thing and keeping her on a strict information diet, but at that time, I didn't even realize it was an option.

But it IS - just like silence is also an option. 

Your mom and brother won't have opinions, because they won't have any information.  They won't know your thoughts, feelings and plans because you've kept them to yourself, so there IS nothing to second-guess or demand, like calling/emailing your mother - or including her in your birth plan, against ALL medical advice, lest she feel snubbed. 

Your brother and mother can sit and stew and leave you out of it, since they really don't care about or want your input - only your obedience and compliance.   

They can keep waiting for a response that's never going to come while you, your DH and your FOC live your lives to the fullest.   

[WinterStar]

Thanks FromTheSwamp and WomanInterrupted!

Despite wanting A, I knew that the best course of action was either B or C. I chose B. Mostly because I need to be allowed to say something.

I was always the good girl who didn't make trouble for anyone and was in charge of everybody else's feelings and troubles. My mom and brother still dump their troubles on me and never bother to ask me how I'm doing. This treatment has eaten away at me from the inside for decades. As per the usual, the answer to my email saying that things are tough for me right now gets the response, "Don't forget to take care of mom and her emotions!" That's a rude and inappropriate response that violates my boundaries, and I need to reinforce those boundaries right now. Reinforcing my boundaries makes me feel like I've stood up for myself and helps me let go of the anger I feel for having my boundaries violated. My brother will almost certainly ignore my email as he ignores most of my communication, but I feel better, which is the important thing.

My mom will almost certainly continue to complain to my brother that I'm not contacting her. Well, it won't get her more contact from me. It's her job to ask for what she wants directly, and if she can't do that, that's her issue. Even though my spidey sense still tells me what she's trying to get me to do, I'm done responding to it.

The upsetting part for me is that the more I reinforce and feel good about my boundaries, the less happy they are. So, I get my relationship with my mom to a place I'm happy with, and she blows it up because she's not getting what she wants. She can't appreciate what I can do because she's so focused on what I don't do that she wants me to do. Of course, this was true back when I tried to do everything she wanted me to do. Likewise, my brother is exclusively concerned with his own stuff and doesn't even see me. I used to want to see my brother so much that I would put up with his crap, but I don't have the time and energy to deal with his crap anymore. My kids love their grandma, uncle, aunt and cousins, so I hate to lower contact even further, but I have to. I'm worried that the only outcome is eventual NC. I don't like that option; it comes with it's own pain and problems, but I can't see this situation headed anywhere else.

[WinterStar]

Well, my brother is a busy monkey. Just sent me an email dealing with both my BPD mom and PD grandma (NF's mom). Apparently, they have both contacted him about me, and he feels it is his duty as their son/grandson and my brother to give me a heads up. He suggests that I should call my grandma because she wants to give me money (which is her trying to bribe a response out of me). Then he says that my mom called him crying because I left a Facebook group chat; I don't do group chats, so I left. He says he has to tell me this info out of respect for my mom's state of mind and my grandmother's request to reach out to me.

I feel so lost on how to deal with this. I had a really rough day yesterday. I'm 35 weeks pregnant, trying to maneuver the healthcare system during a trying time, the other three kids are home, DH is working from home, and DH and I had a difficult fight yesterday. I'm sad. I'm stressed, and the last thing I needed was this email from my brother. I mean, what I need is support, but all I ever get is more stress, even when I'm trying to limit the contact I have with PDs.

[WinterStar]

Well, I went with the kind, thoughtful response that explains my position, doesn't blame my brother and requests respect for my boundaries. As in, I don't want to involve third parties in conflict. I just want to speak with people directly and resolve conflict. You know, healthy communication and stuff.

And got back a crazy, angry response that basically lets me know he will never respect my boundaries. Apparently, my brother tried not to get involved, but then I didn't respond to my grandmother as quickly as I should have, so he was forced to intervene. And he had to intervene because my mom was upset, and he knew that would happen as soon as I left the Facebook chat, implying that I never should have left the Facebook chat. And my style of communication for the past year has been bad, but he's not going to get into that because he doesn't want to upset me. And he just knew this would all upset me even though he crafted his communication so carefully. And that he's the one who should be frustrated but no one ever lets him be frustrated.

I feel like a fool for JADEing and getting burned again. This is where I take a gigantic leap back from my relationship with the whole family. I'm. Just. Done.

[WinterStar]

I was so angry with my brother at first, but now I'm feeling really sad. I reread his email and am tempted to try communicating with him again. He says he feels frustrated and like he has to sit on his feelings, which I totally get, and I'd like to offer him understanding. I'd like to let him know that I care about him and would like to have a good relationship with him.

I worked on a response for hours. Initially, it was really long and vulnerable. It became shorter and shorter as I tried to simplify it some because I know that my brother tends to have trouble with communication if it isn't focused. It ended up very, very short with some great empathy for his situation, a message of hope for things being better between us, and almost nothing about my perspective. And then it just felt silly. It felt like me filling that emotional support role again without being able to communicate my needs. The part about my needs was extremely short, cold and was essentially a repeat of what I already tried to say.

Rereading my brother's email again, he clearly blames me for upsetting my mother and my grandmother. I should have called my grandmother back; he tried to stay out of it for a few days, but when I didn't return her calls after multiple messages and she kept calling him, he lied to her and told her that he had already passed on her message and then felt obligated to pass on her message. I should never have left that Facebook chat my mom started because anyone would have been able to see that it would upset her. He knew as soon as he saw it that he was going to have to deal with the fallout. He tried not to tell me that my mother was upset, but he thought it would be helpful for me to know rather than her blindsiding me (even though I had previously asked him to allow me to handle my own communication with mom). He would want to know if my mother wanted him to call her so that he could call her.

There's an odor of NF in the email. The whole "I tried to stay out of it, but you didn't do what you were supposed to do, so I had to intervene" thing is like my dad. He started off by saying he wrote a longer email on the topic that he chose not to send; the impression that gives me is that he reworded things to be "nicer," and I should be grateful for that. I got a: of course you're upset, I knew you'd be upset, you always get upset, I try so hard to word things so carefully and you get upset anyway, I don't know how I could possibly do any better, and if you get upset about this email I really don't know what in the world to do. Funny part was that in my email to him I didn't express upset toward him at all; I said I was frustrated by the situation, that I was upset that my mother and grandmother were always disappointed in me and that I was upset that they had roped him into things. In his email, my brother made it clear that he doesn't understand my position at all in a way, implying that my position is unreasonable. He said my mode of conversation for the past year may not have made him happy, but he's not allowed to complain about it without it turning into a problem, so he just sits on his feelings about it. Then, he had a line about how it's hard for him to hear all of my complaints about how he is handling things. I don't think I complained about how he is handling things. I just asked him to let me handle my own correspondence and not pass on disapproving messages from my relatives. I suppose that's not what he did, so me saying it again is like me complaining? What am I supposed to do with the whole mode of conversation topic he brought up but then didn't bring up at the same time?

Really, he's putting me in a position where I cannot win no matter how I respond or don't respond. I'm sure if I never respond, it will show that my mode of communication is a problem. If I do respond and say anything about being upset, it will just feed his "of course you're upset" vibe. If I restate my boundaries or try to explain them again, I will be again "complaining" about how he's handling things. He also dangles an odd carrot at the end; he says he'd love to talk and ask about how my baby is doing. He doesn't actually ask me about how the baby is doing, just says he would like to ask. It's like if I'm a good girl and respond correctly, he'll interact with me in a positive way, but he just can't do that when I'm being so difficult. This also sounds like NF.

Ugh. I'd really appreciate some feedback on this. I'm really spinning right now.