How can they move on so fast?

[stardawn192]

I'm having sort of a rough morning. Lately, I've been fine when I wake up, not thinking about them as early, it's been really nice. However, this morning was a different one. This morning I feel mad and hurt.

My uBPDx and I didn't have a very long relationship (about three months), however, we spent every waking moment together, and if we weren't hanging out, we were texting one another. When I finally broke it off due to the emotional abuse, they would tell me things like "I feel like you're my best friend" and "I don't know when I'll be able to meet another girl as nice as you. It took me 31 years, it'll take me 31 more." I wanted to remain friends and they had told me they did too. Throughout the three weeks from when I broke it off with them, they talked me into sleeping with them again and tried multiple more times after. One time, they wanted me to spend the night right after a new "friend" had spent the night and I told them flat out NO. I don't want to be sleeping in my side of the bed, where someone's scent still probably lingered.

After that, I stopped talking to them for a bit. Then a family emergency happened and I had a young family member die. I felt like I should tell the people I love that I love them, no matter what, so I reached out to them and they offered to come over and hang out with me. No funny business, just dinner, playing video games, and having me take medicine to go to sleep. This was the friend I wanted. Then, on my way to my home state for the funeral, they would with me every day via text. Telling me that I was being mean to them because they didn't want to actually be with me (our relationship wasn't exclusive or official, part of the abuse). The "mean" they were talking about were the boundaries I was setting that were recommended by my therapist, they didn't like them. We were texting the whole time I was there, being flirtatious in text and also fighting (dare I say, that just describes our relationship perfectly). I told them I felt replaced by this new "friend" and they said, "I wouldn't be talking to you still if you were replaced." I also told them I was having a difficult time getting over them and they said that it would "take time."

On the last night, I found out they were planning to bring their new "friend" to our mutual friend's house. We didn't discuss this and I felt very disrespected. This friend's house had felt very safe to me and I even told them that when we were together. I was also planning to go to the house the same night when I got back from my trip. I flipped, blocked them on everything and wrote this LONG text message that took me 2 hours to write and then blocked them through text. It's been 4 weeks now and I'm getting close to barely feeling the "withdrawals." However, I know that my friends still talk to them and that they are "fine."

I just don't understand WHY keep me on the hook when you already have new supply??? And how can you just move on SO fast?? Better yet, how can you not see how using people makes them upset???

[Summer Sun]

Stardawn192, I am sorry for what you have been through.  The push-pull is confusing and can be agonizing to try to understand and process.

No one can say for absolute sure why they do what they do, but I have read some PD's keep old supply in case the new supply doesn't work out.  As well, that awareness of others feelings (as in feeling upset for being used), is that they do not care about others feelings.  IME, I do care about others feelings, and do care if I have inadvertently hurt someone, and therefore I would project this trait onto others - assume they are similar.  I have learned this is one of my vulnerabilities. 

Wishing you some time for self nurture, kindness and gentle care during this tender time.

Summer Sun

[moglow]

Just an observation -
Anytime a relationship moves fast going in, we can almost expect "they" will move as quickly into the next. As you say, this was a fairly short but intense relationship - that alone doesn't bode well to me. You're their very best friend in their life *ever* in just a few months? Honestly, people should still be at their best that soon, and you'd have had little opportunity to get to know the real person underneath, either of you. That's just the red flags I see from what you've shared so far, but I'm sure you have others.

For yourself though, it'll help when you're able to stop questioning and focusing on the ex and their stuff, and turn that focus back to your own well being. I'd bet with time you'll see that same cycle repeat, hopefully at an ever increading emotional distance. In the meantime, remember that no one has to be to blame or at fault. This one just wasn't meant to be. Acceptance and refocus will be your friends.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry for your loss in your young family member. Also for all of this turmoil with your ex... yikes.

I just don't understand WHY keep me on the hook when you already have new supply??? And how can you just move on SO fast?? Better yet, how can you not see how using people makes them upset???

You show some understanding of supply in your post. Using people of course makes them upset... but your being upset is SUPPLY. Supply can be positive or negative. It doesn't make a whole lot of difference. As to why keeping you on the hook, well you're still providing all kinds of supply with the breakup drama, and letting him be taking up so much of your energy when you have a major personal tragedy to deal with, well that makes him feel even more important. The need for supply is infinite, so the only reason that he would give it up is if the effort required to get it becomes less than the reward. Meaning, you become indifferent. How can he move on so fast? Well, if the caring was never genuine, if you weren't a real person to them but merely a source of supply, it would be the same as shopping at a different grocery store.

The good news is, all of this is a reflection on your ex, not you. You get to choose how to learn and move on yourself here. Take good care of yourself. Many of us have been here, myself included. It's hard. 

[clara]

On the (relatively) bright side, stardawn, they showed their "true self" to you fairly early in the relationship, which you've picked up on.  Some of us have endured such a relationship for years without ever questioning what was going on other than to blame ourselves for all of it!   I think the thing to always keep in mind about PDs is there's no real understanding of their behavior.  They do what they do because they are what they are.  We're not like them same as they're not like us.  They don't have a problem with what they do, and they're experts at rationalizations and excuses and self-serving explanations.    You dodged a bullet.