Back Again

[ThatFishguy]

Hello, I was a member here a few years back until my BP+ spouse found out and broke into my account and made a mess of things.
Things got worse and after bottoming out, things got better for a while. A change of meds seemed to help but I still got discarded several more times. This time I think it's truly over. I was ghosted after 14 years together, 3 months ago and I've been in private counceling to deal with my obvious co- dependancy. Out of the FOG was such a valuable resource back then as I hope it can be again.
My story may not be unique but theres solace in that. Thanks.

[xredshoesx]

how do you feel about it being over?  14 years is a long time to be in the cycle.  for me i was happy and terrified at the same time.  happy to know i wasn't going to be in the line of fire/ abuse but also so very afraid of being alone and being a failure at dating/ relationships.   i know for me i had to separate the fantasy of a relationship vs the reality of what i was dealing with and somehow reprogram myself to see the reality and dichotomy of my life and relearn what healthy adult relationships should look like-

i went through 6 years of the push/ pull cycle with my uPD exBF (basically the entire relationship fwiw). the one thing that really helped me was that my T started having me visualize what the mundane and everyday life things would be like alone. that helped me get over the fear of being alone and of starting over (she got me to see that i had really been alone the whole time as he contributed nothing of substance to the relationship).   

it will take many baby steps but you got this. 

[ThatFishguy]

Thank you for your kind words. After so many cycles, there's a part of me that isn't 100% convinced that it's really over. I'm not sure if that's comming from my codependent nature or her subtle conflicting signals.
I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to understand how it got here. Part of the pain of being ghosted is the lack of closure it brings. Ive had to perform a relationship autopsy of sorts.
I'm a logic driven person which isn't always a plus with a BPD partner.
Having a good therapist helps. Mine was our marriage counselor which is an advantage. This time I'm putting more effort into my development since this is my 3rd marriage and I have a history of these relationships. In total 25 years with PD partners. This was my longest though.
I'd be lying if I said didn't want her back. It has been a tough pill to swallow trying to understand that no amount of love can fix this. It's sad and tragic seeing someone you love being consumed by a mindset that tears apart their lives and those around them.
I'm far from perfect but being splitted and devalued again to what she sees as all that is bad in her life hurts like hell.
You're right, a lot of baby steps. And people who understand this journey goes a long way.

[Penny Lane]

It has been a tough pill to swallow trying to understand that no amount of love can fix this.

That is such a hard thing to deal with.



Welcome back