I just woke up

[Rainraingoaway]

Hello everyone... I just made an account.

My name is rainraingoaway you can just call me rain.

I have just spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out how to make a new topic haha and I'm like maybe it's this word document looking button at the top of the page on the right? Haha yep!

I feel like it's the Claritin commercial you know the one. Where it's blurry and then they peel back the film and everything suddenly becomes clear and in HD. That happened to me not too long ago.

My husband has experience dealing with narcissists; his fathers wife is a mild one. So he has the sight when it comes to spotting one. One day we were in our basement talking and he told me that my mother was a raging narcissist. I honestly didn't even really know what the word meant because my mind doesn't work like this so I started reading and learning and then all the puzzle pieces started falling into place. I was like woah! This was really real and it wasn't just some figment of my imagination. And then an unfortunate situation happened on my birthday that really confirmed the family mobbing.

So my mom is the malignant overt NPD  puppet master. I don't have a relationship with both my father and my sister at this point I haven't seen them in 2 years. She just LOVES it. It brings her joy to separate my immediate family members from me. It always confused me why she does this. No other families I've known condones alienating family. All the siblings I know have pretty decent relationships. Anyways. I've been with my husband for more than 2 years and my sister and father haven't even bothered to make introductions at this point. I go out with a friend to get my nails done with a set of gels I ask my mom to watch my kids. I don't trust my mom at all. Something inside me senses something isn't right. So I leave my streaming yi camera set up on the internet so I can observe her. She invites my dad and sister to my home without my permission. I am feeling very disrespected but excited at this point I show my friend my phone and exclaim I have never had a surprise birthday party and i'm over the freaking moon because I haven't seen my father and sister in a long time and I'm like wow! They are here for me on my special day this is so great and special! Oh how I wish that would have been the case..

So.... I text my mom that I seem to be finishing soon and I'll be paying and coming home. I see my dad and sister rush to find their jackets and hurry out before I come home. Me and my friend watch them hurry out and I'm honestly just lost for words. JOKES ON ME I GUESS! like psyche; you big f**king I'd!ot... that just broke my heart like it was made of glass.

But.... It was clearly tangible to me at this point that my family conspires against me behind my back. Yes I am the scapegoated child.

I have been crying a lot and I feel like I'm grieving and mourning. Im grieving the childhood I really wanted and never got. It was like we were opposite magnets and you try to force them together but they just repel each other away. She was always behind this clear glass wall and no matter how much I tried she was just ... not there. Im finding it really hard to cope at the moment but im getting a lot of therapy this month.  I always wanted my mom to just love me. I know it's not about me. (Sort of) but it feels really really personal...
I am very happy I found other people with similar experiences.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! What a strange experience! Why invite the other members of your family to your home secretly? Why did they come at all, if they didn't want to see you? Such strange behaviour! I can only imagine that one or several of your family members live in a world of smoke and mirrors and have convinced others of the reality of their mirage.

Please study the Toolbox as a start, you might find some strategies there which will be useful when you have to deal with your family.
When I stared to come Out of the FOG, I decided that whenever there was a contradiction between behaviour and talk - I would go by behaviour exclusively.  How others behave would be my reality, never mind what they spoke. This has served me well. See you around on the boards!

[bloomie]

Hi Rain! Adding another warm welcome. I sense that this experience on your bday is a kind of powerful awakening and that there are many memories and questions flooding your heart and mind right now.

Make good use of all of the resources here at Out of the FOG. There are book recommendations, other online resources, the toolbox and of course the support and insights of this caring community. I am thankful you have reached out and hope you will go gently forward and take very good care of yourself as you learn how to live healthy and empowered with this new understanding and awareness.

I look forward to seeing you on the boards!

[moglow]

Just now rereading your post and blown away all over again. I wish I had adequate words for the dismay I felt reading it.

First off, find someone else to stay with little one in future. Gouging you in the back like that sounds horribly like something mine would do - she loved playing divide and conquer, trying to pit us against each other. But to invite them to YOUR home then it end the way it did?? She'd lose access to me, my child, my home going forward. They can see "us" or not at all. It hurts me that you had to see that but at the same time, probably way overdue and now you can change things going forward. Y'all deserve so much better.

For what it's worth, I honestly don't believe some are capable of love as we believe it to be. We see ourselves as shut out etc, but I don't think they're any better or more loving with others, those others have just as warped a view of love. As time has gone by, I've seen and heard over and over that mommie dearest treats [or tries] others much as she did me, they just don't put up with it or take it in like I did. I've had to work hard to depersonalize her treatment of me, being a duck and letting it roll off instead of the sponge I was for so long.

Please visit the PD parents sections here, we get it and there are plenty who'll hold your hand while you work through all this.