Sister with UNPD, how to protect myself

[Anna24]

I am living with my sister (29), who is a recovering alcoholic, and probably also a PD of some sort. My sister struggled in school, socially and with a learning disability, and this must have really impacted her self esteem. I do not know the deeper roots of her issues, but I suspect she had some basic difficulty with her temperament, insecure attachment to mom, and then not getting quite the right help early on when she needed it. She is attractive and has many great qualities, but her self esteem is very poor, and her self-sabatoging behavior has been life-long. She refers to her issues primarily as 'ADHD' and 'forgetfulness', but also she has been very open with me about her drinking, past drug use, and unstable relationships with men. She is in AA.

She has never really had a solid sense of herself, and has remained immature in many ways, including living with our parents for many years. I was more driven and higher functioning, but have struggled with depression myself. I was living away with a boyfriend for the past 7-8 years, but a breakup brought me back to square one. I love my sister and agreed to live with her so we could both get on our feet. I have always felt sad for her struggle, and I know she is on her way to getting better.

My concern is that I'm finally breaking out of a pattern that was not working in my life, and making some progress forward towards goals. Meanwhile, my sister struggles with daily life, and self-sabatoge. Sometimes she ruins things for me too, but it is not easy to confront her without causing her to topple over with denial, guilt, or feeling attacked.

My basic question is, how do I 'keep my distance' while being and living so close with her? She locked me out of the house the other day when she knew the situation. It was easy enough to resolve, but it has me worried. She also has bouts of major depression and crying, and sometimes leaves the kitchen trashed without concern for me.  She often claims 'forgetfulness' about self-sabatoging, and does not usually own up to jealous acting out. I really do feel for her, and also recognize that I can't fix things.

Aside from living my own life, maintaining friendship, and moving forward -- what else can I be doing to protect myself? She is not someone who observably harms me; she is fun, loves me, and I believe she will overcome her jealousy about any future success. She has potential to be successful in her life too, but her depression right now is not well managed or well treated.

I can't help feeling I need to do more to be vigilant about how she impacts my mood on a daily basis, and my life going forward.

[bloomie]

Anna24 - your love and care for your sister shines through your post. Your ability to see the seriousness of her issues, have such a compassionate view of her, and also recognize how living in such close proximity to her has the potential to derail or greatly distract you from your own progress forward to a healthy and peaceful life is admirable.

Aside from living my own life, maintaining friendship, and moving forward

These steps are huge and would go a long way to giving you some distance from the day to day waiting for the next shoe to drop with your sister.

Also, have you considered being part of a al anon family group along with sharing here at Out of the FOG?  The tendency to feel responsible for a family member who struggles with alcohol addiction is very common and completely understandable. Talking through with others who have faced similar situations and have found effective ways to cope may be a really good support for you.

And beginning to really work through what is yours to do and what is not yours to do in this relationship is the inner part of boundary work that I have found to be life long when I was raised to be the responsible, fixer, and sacrificially dutiful one in my own family of origin.

Another thing it has helped to learn about and recognize in myself is the tendency toward unhealthy enmeshment versus healthy cohesion in my relationships with my own family members that struggled with addiction and self agency. Here is a link to an article that is helpful to understand the difference and that reinforces that the way out of enmeshment is boundaries.
https://www.healthline.com/health/enmeshed-family#getting-help

Learning to detach with love, to hold your own healthy space and not 'catch' the high emotions your sister may exhibit, to live as the responsible, considerate, temperate adult human being you are who does not engage in things they have zero control over with anybody can go along way to bringing some breathing room to you.

Keep coming back and sharing and let us know how you are. The Toolbox is a great place to read and find suggestions for how to handle specific behaviors and has been a big help to me and I hope to you, too.

[AlisonWonder]

Anna24 you are going through some very challenging stuff and it sounds like you are trying hard to make the right choices.  You don't say whether your sister is older or younger?  I find I can't form a picture without knowing that, it's funny, I know you are both adults.