weird reactions to separation

[capybara]

So I have just separated from my BPDH and I feel like my FOO's reactions are just too much to handle. Today my uPD mother told me that she has decided to stay with her current partner of 4 years "for the grandchildren, because they need to see what a stable relationship is like."

She has also been super-concerned about whether my kids are alright and then today she told me that she has decided I am fine. Ok then. I really think a lot of this is guilt and insecurity about the divorce from my father (initiated by her). But it is still inappropriate and irritating!

My dad's second wife is even less stable than my mom. She sent me a long card about how for her, marriage is forever and she will always be there for my dad so I don't need to worry. (Her marriage to my dad is her second marriage as well; she also left her husband when her child was very young. And TBH I am more worried about whether she is isolating and perhaps emotionally abusing my dad.)

My non-PD dad's reaction was that I should get out there and find someone new. And he doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors, but he doesn't *think* I should blame myself.

Anyone else's FOO have inappropriate reactions to the news of separation or divorce?

[GettingOOTF]

I am now NC with my family and I started down that path after their reactions to my leaving my abusive BPDxH.

My family hated my ex when we were married. Never had a nice thing to say about him. As soon as I left they suddenly thought the sun shone out of his backside. When I told them some of the things he did my father said “well I know how you can be” as if I asked for it!!! Then decided he didn’t “take sides”, because apparently there are side and this is a hard choice for him. He chose my ex who he’d many met 5 times during our 12 year marriage.

My sister doubled down on her commitment to her abusive cheating partner. It was all shocking to me.

I see now how my family primed me for the sort of marriage I had, and the way they acted is understandable given the family system. My personal expertise is that I ended up in this relationship because of how I lived my life and how I never thought to heal what I needed to in order to have a healthy relationship with a nonPD. I was very very codependent and had never heard of a boundary.

My leaving my ex threatened the family system and the family reacted accordingly. It sucks as it’s just one more crappy thing you have to deal with, but 100% it’s not you, it’s them.

[D.Dan]

My younger sister (GC) got mad at me. She gave me sh*t for taking my autistics kids to a shelter instead of staying in the house with my uPDexh. I felt we were in actual danger from him. She yelled at me over the phone our first night there, that i just destroyed my kids lives! After she got me crying for a different reason then fleeing to a shelter, she hung up.

In her case, she had been talking about separating from her ex for about 2 years but never did anything, but she suddenly separated from him days after I initially separated from my ex. She has since acted like the phone call never happened and that I've followed HER example and left my ex after she left hers!

2 years later, she tells me every couple of months how sorry she feels for my ex and his family, completely ignoring everything they've done to me and my kids.

My uPDmom.... flip flops all over the place in regards to my divorce.

She also hated my ex, seemed like the two of them were vying for the position of "supreme overlord of D.Dan" and just hated each other.

She tells me different things based on her inner workings and how she's feeling at that moment.

- tells me I did the right thing by leaving him
- demanding why I picked him
- tells me how horrible I've been to him and deserve all the horrible things he and his family did to me and my kids
- how I deserve to lose everything
- when I get married again, I should pick a wealthy man
- when I get married again, how I better not pick another guy like my ex!
- giving me dating advice to get guys like she does (OH GOD NO!!!!  )
- asking me if i hated my kids because they remind me of my ex (Yes, that's how she said it, along with bringing it up out of the blue) 
- telling me how everyone will hate me when I get back together with my ex (2 years later, still divorcing)
- telling me how it's normal to take your ex back even when they hurt you , then looks at me expectantly 
- telling me how I'm destroying his life and how he'll probably treat me better now 
- angry outbursts demanding if I'm taking him back (again out of the blue  )
- tells me I've been giving her cues of reconciling with him (I straight up asked what cues, we're still divorcing! Oh she can just tell....) 
- asking if I've given up on dating altogether because I haven't shown an interest in dating yet (WE ARE STILL GOING THROUGH THE DIVORCE!!!)
- telling me that if I was lying about the abuse from my ex, SHE will make sure I regret it!
- and my personal favourite... how I need to be more like her and I'll find someone better next time!  she says this one a lot....

My uPDbro1 (older of my younger brothers) basically took advantage of my situation and then told me how I was the most abusive person ever because I wouldn't let him stay after trying to punch in my face in front of my kids.

My youngest brother (bro2), had the most normal reaction. He told me how glad he was I left my ex, and that me and the kids were safe. He has asked for some advice on recognizing when one is being abused by their SO a few times since then.

[11JB68]

Sounds like a lot of projection from outside people IMO.