New levels of dysfunction

[Spirit in the sky]

I've been doing pretty well distancing myself emotionally from my dysfunctional parents. I still see everyday and give practical support but I work very hard not to get enmeshed in their codependency, which has plagued me all my life.

I have no labels for my parents, only that my mother is emotionally unstable, controlling and difficult, going from being a waif to a pit bull terrier in seconds. My father is an alcoholic and substitutes over addictions when he can't drink.

My parents have barely said a civil word to each in 50 years, my mother constantly judges my father and tries to 'make him' into something he isn't. She's cruel and spiteful and rejects him, only to feel guilty and re-establish contact when it suits her. He's self obsessed and selfish and cares little for anyone else unless they serve a person, since his diagnosis with terminal cancer he has made an effort to be nice to me but sometimes I wonder if it's because he needs me. He never had any time for me before.

My father's lung cancer is advanced and the doctors think he only has 6 months maximum. He's understandably anger and expects everyone to drop everything and spend all their time and energy looking after him. When I try and help he goes on about he just wants to die, and there's no point making an effort. He is able to get up and about but refuses and lies in bed all day, if anyone says anything he says 'we won't have to listen to him much longer as he'll be dead soon.'

I made a big effort at Christmas bought him lots of treats and made dinner, he got up ate everything and went to bed without even saying thanks. My mother isn't much better, she's gone into denial and just refuses to accept that he is ill and keeps  making unhelpful comments about him not having the right attitude.

They spend all their time snipping and provoking each other, sulking and hurling abuse. I have suggested both of them peak to a counsellor but both say there's nothing wrong with them, it's the others ones fault. When I'm there they both compete for my attention and try and score points of each other.

There's no point even talking to them they are so locked into this dysfunctional dance I can't get anyone to see sense. It's frustrating and upsetting and there's nothing I can do but try and stay neutral and be kind, and walk away when I felt the toxic energy dragging me down. Go home recharge and do it all over again the next day. 

[SunnyMeadow]

That sounds so stressful Spirit. I'm sorry you're going through this. As if a parent with lung cancer isn't bad enough, you have all this additional stress on top of it.

I recall doing a bunch of nice things for my parents too and didn't receive any "thank yous" either. It's kind of mind boggling that I continued to do them but I sure did. Reading how your parents relate to each other is so similar to my parents. It's so uncomfortable to be around them. They really and truly don't like each other and they bicker and swear at each other too.

Good that you're distancing yourself from them. I'm glad we're all spending time on this website learning about PD traits. It's helpful to read about the dysfunction and know what's going on. It helps me to see that's none of this is my fault or anything to do with me, it's all them. Like you, I visit them (very rarely now) stick to medium chill and then go home and leave their bad behavior behind. I give you a lot of credit for continuing to visit so often. With your dad having cancer I understand why and I would do the same thing but it's got to be difficult.

Hugs to you Spirit in the sky 

[nanotech]

You've done your best, probably a lot more than I would have done-  now take yourself away from it and breathe some good fresh air.
Remember the three c s
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Illness, especially serious illness, always causes a huge emotional and very toxic explosion,  where PDs and addicts are concerned.
All of their dysfunctions become enlarged,  mega- distorted and and things get a lot more dangerous.
In the midst of it your dad is managing some love bombing. I think it could be to keep you around and engaged so they BOTH can spew more toxicity upon you.
Don't enable that.
With the onset of this terminal illness  he suddenly has no control over his life. That feeling is overwhelming to him, but it's HIS stuff, not yours.   
Keep yourself safe. Terminal illness is a biggie for PDs and they are looking for a scapegoat to erupt upon. Don't let that be you. Don't fall for that love bombing and get out of that environment.
You've done Christmas now. X

[Spirit in the sky]

That sounds so stressful Spirit. I'm sorry you're going through this. As if a parent with lung cancer isn't bad enough, you have all this additional stress on top of it.

I recall doing a bunch of nice things for my parents too and didn't receive any "thank yous" either. It's kind of mind boggling that I continued to do them but I sure did. Reading how your parents relate to each other is so similar to my parents. It's so uncomfortable to be around them. They really and truly don't like each other and they bicker and swear at each other too.

Good that you're distancing yourself from them. I'm glad we're all spending time on this website learning about PD traits. It's helpful to read about the dysfunction and know what's going on. It helps me to see that's none of this is my fault or anything to do with me, it's all them. Like you, I visit them (very rarely now) stick to medium chill and then go home and leave their bad behavior behind. I give you a lot of credit for continuing to visit so often. With your dad having cancer I understand why and I would do the same thing but it's got to be difficult.

Hugs to you Spirit in the sky 

Thank you Sunny Meadow,

I'm trying to remain kind and not get bitter and twisted like them. I try and do something kind for them each day, even if it's only getting some shopping or getting them the newspaper.
This actually got me thinking about my Dad and I realised he's gone through life doing very little for other people. He's never been kind to my mum or me until recently. He basically ignored us when he was out drinking and partying and now he can't do that he's not grateful when we keep everything going. He's attitude is he doesn't care anymore, what's the point but he forgets my mum and I still have a life to live.

He's also chooses to completely ignore my husband. Thankfully he doesn't come to visit with me, when he did he was ignored and my dad was just rude not speaking to him. I've been happily for 18 years, mostly happy with a few ups and downs but my Dad has never once asked about my hubby, bought him a birthday or Christmas present, he just pretends he doesn't exist.

I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have suggested alternative treatments for me dad, counselling but it's like he enjoys the misery too much to help himself. My Dad is an emotional blackmailer and I am an empath and I find it very different to detach myself from his negative energy but I must. It feels like he's choosing to drown and he's dragging me under with him.

[Spirit in the sky]

You've done your best, probably a lot more than I would have done-  now take yourself away from it and breathe some good fresh air.
Remember the three c s
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Illness, especially serious illness, always causes a huge emotional and very toxic explosion,  where PDs and addicts are concerned.
All of their dysfunctions become enlarged,  mega- distorted and and things get a lot more dangerous.
In the midst of it your dad is managing some love bombing. I think it could be to keep you around and engaged so they BOTH can spew more toxicity upon you.
Don't enable that.
With the onset of this terminal illness  he suddenly has no control over his life. That feeling is overwhelming to him, but it's HIS stuff, not yours.   
Keep yourself safe. Terminal illness is a biggie for PDs and they are looking for a scapegoat to erupt upon. Don't let that be you. Don't fall for that love bombing and get out of that environment.
You've done Christmas now. X

Thank you Nanotech, yes control is  a nice thing for both my parents and they are spiralling out of control. My mother keeps telling me she can't cope and wants to run away, I think I might start running first 

As I said in my post to Sunny, I have an empathic nature and I'm also super sensitive to other people's suffering. I absorb the negativity like a sponge but I'm really trying not to get sucked in. He has a hospital appointment in 2 weeks, so I'm hoping something good might happen, even if they keep him in hospital for a few days just to let everyone have some breathing space.

[PeanutButter]

Im so sorry. This must be so terrible to go through. You have inner strength that is obvious!
I found for myself it is useful in helping me detach to examine what my expectations have been and  then I really make an effort to 'let go of the outcome'.
IMO you must take care of yourself right now!

[bloomie]

Spirit in the sky - what a painful place your parent's home is for one and all. I am wondering if there are some respite care resources in your community that could meet some of these day to day needs of your parents and give you some time for self care?

There is no question that caregiver stress can take a huge toll on your health in every aspect of your life.  A really good resource just to consider and read through is found here:
https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/caregiver-stress

And a collection of resources we have put together for members who are in your exact position is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=68854.0

Your father might also qualify for end of life, or palliative care services, such as Hospice. These are things you can ask for from his doc and also look into that would spread out the responsibilities and care needed for your parents and lessen the load for you as you could partner with others to meet your parent's needs.

Something that was impressed upon me by the care team when both of my parents were at the end of their lives at the same time and needed 24 hour care, was it was best and most loving for people - no matter their state of health - to do as much as they possibly can for themselves for as long as they can. It contributes to their overall well being and sense of self agency.

In all, what I hear in your post is grief and sadness and so many in your face realizations at one time regarding the bitter resentments that live between your parents and permeate the atmosphere of their home. So hard to hold up under that when exposed to it each day. Please keep coming back here for support!

[Spirit in the sky]

Spirit in the sky - what a painful place your parent's home is for one and all. I am wondering if there are some respite care resources in your community that could meet some of these day to day needs of your parents and give you some time for self care?

There is no question that caregiver stress can take a huge toll on your health in every aspect of your life.  A really good resource just to consider and read through is found here:
https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/caregiver-stress

And a collection of resources we have put together for members who are in your exact position is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=68854.0

Your father might also qualify for end of life, or palliative care services, such as Hospice. These are things you can ask for from his doc and also look into that would spread out the responsibilities and care needed for your parents and lessen the load for you as you could partner with others to meet your parent's needs.

Something that was impressed upon me by the care team when both of my parents were at the end of their lives at the same time and needed 24 hour care, was it was best and most loving for people - no matter their state of health - to do as much as they possibly can for themselves for as long as they can. It contributes to their overall well being and sense of self agency.

In all, what I hear in your post is grief and sadness and so many in your face realizations at one time regarding the bitter resentments that live between your parents and permeate the atmosphere of their home. So hard to hold up under that when exposed to it each day. Please keep coming back here for support!

Thanks Bloomie,

My Dad is surprisingly well for someone so ill. Even the doctors are surprised he has no breathing difficulties, he hasn't lost weight and although his mobility is slow due to other issues he can make it to the pub when he chooses. He liked everything handed to him when he was well so he's just as demanding as ever. Ruth is he can move when he wants he just chooses not to.

Both my parents refuse any outside help. Really they don't need it yet anyway, I do try and made them take responsibility for daily tasks but my dad has got lazy and loves giving orders. Hospice places are very limited here in Ireland, most people are cared for at home or in hospital. But we are a way of that yet, but when the times comes they will have to accept outside assistance.

The thing is all the fighting and raging is normal to them and it's really only me that gets stressed.  Spending less time with them is really the only way for me to stay sane.

[Spirit in the sky]

Im so sorry. This must be so terrible to go through. You have inner strength that is obvious!
I found for myself it is useful in helping me detach to examine what my expectations have been and  then I really make an effort to 'let go of the outcome'.
IMO you must take care of yourself right now!

Thanks peanut butter,

I'm learning to detach and look after myself, it's not easy as my childhood conditioning kicks in. I've spent my entire life refereeing my parents chaotic relationship.

[Fiasco]

I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have suggested alternative treatments for me dad, counselling but it's like he enjoys the misery too much to help himself. My Dad is an emotional blackmailer and I am an empath and I find it very different to detach myself from his negative energy but I must. It feels like he's choosing to drown and he's dragging me under with him.

You've hit on the answer yourself, he enjoys the misery. He is HAPPY. He is enjoying the whole circus, including that funny performer who appears each day Spirit.

If you need proof of what you suspect try taking your loving care and consideration to a hospital or nursing home for a week. Do the sweet things you're currently doing with no thanks or appreciation for someone without a PD. You will quickly see the difference, and maybe receive some of the appreciation and respect you deserve.

[Spirit in the sky]

I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have suggested alternative treatments for me dad, counselling but it's like he enjoys the misery too much to help himself. My Dad is an emotional blackmailer and I am an empath and I find it very different to detach myself from his negative energy but I must. It feels like he's choosing to drown and he's dragging me under with him.

You've hit on the answer yourself, he enjoys the misery. He is HAPPY. He is enjoying the whole circus, including that funny performer who appears each day Spirit.

If you need proof of what you suspect try taking your loving care and consideration to a hospital or nursing home for a week. Do the sweet things you're currently doing with no thanks or appreciation for someone without a PD. You will quickly see the difference, and maybe receive some of the appreciation and respect you deserve.

That's so true Fiasco,

I have a 90 year old man who comes into work most days. He lives on his on and all his children live in other countries. He's so pleasant and if I help him he's so grateful and he's always looking for ways to stay fit and healthy. He never moans or complains, and his face lights up when he someone takes the time to have a chat with him.
My dad has been used to getting his own way all his life, he's never taken responsibility for his own health or any family responsibility. He's always been self centred and self obsessed, and all this is magnified now he's ill.

The doctors have told him it's important to keep active to keep his bones strong and stop muscle weakness. Of course he says they don't know what they are talking about. And my mum and I are heartless and cruel for suggesting he gets out of bed. It's a terrible thing to say but the only thing keeping me going is the fact that it will end at some point. I'm not wishing him dead but for his own sake I hope the suffering doesn't go on for too long.

He hasn't  made any arrangements and just says he doesn't care what happens after he's dead.