Can I get some insight

[Dinah-sore]

Hi, I haven't been here in a while. I am out of therapy right now due to insurance and I just need some insight.

Last year my npdH lied to me. He went behind my back and told my npdfil that I wanted to borrow 10.000 dollars from him, my husband told him I wanted the money (I would NEVER! The man accused me of liking being sexually assaulted by a family member who was also trying to groom my kids. NC over ten years). Then my npdh told me what he did and tried to tell me that we had had a conversation where I said I wanted his dads money. It never freaking happened. I told him
I don't believe that ever happened.  And then he ADMITTED that it never happened, that he lied and tried fo get me to believe I told him something I would never say. Getting me to doubt my own memories. Gaslighting me bad. Has this worked in the past on me? So I told him I wanted to separate. So we were separated but still living together for 4 months. I told him I can't trust a word out of his mouth.

While we were separated he acted like
nothing was wrong, screwing with my mind. He just kept acting like he was happy as can be and I will get over it. I didn't get over it, but I moved on with life. I guess.

Then a couple months ago we were out of state visiting family and it was snowing bad. The roads were mandatory chains. The highway patrol was stopping everyone and mandating chains. My H wouldn't stop to put on the chains; driving past every pull out where everyone was obeying the rules. The cops thought his truck was 4wd so he didn't get pulled over. But He kept saying he would put them on if we started to skid. I was really scared and kept asking him to stop. My kids and one of his friends from work were with us. Someone in the family who was ahead of us on the road called and told him the road ahead was covered in ice and we would need chains. I thought he would stop and put them on. He didn't. We were skidding and sliding and he had no control of the truck. It was so freaking terrifying. I was screaming. I used my most angry voice I have to show him how serious I was about him stopping. I finally tried to appeal to his materialism by saying he could
damage his truck (cuz he certainly didn't care about our safety). He snapped at me like I was nagging him. We could have easily gone off the road. We didn't but it was so close. I was so embarrassed that someone else heard me yell at him like that and him snap at me. I was so upset that when we arrived I had to sit in the truck and cry for a half hour. Shaking. So mad. But the fact that we didn't crash proved he was right (in his eyes).

He ended up slipping in the ice when he was skiing and broke his leg and ankle. He has needed some surgeries. Part of me feels awful for thinking it is karma, teach him that ice is slippery and dangerous. But I have been waiting on him hand and foot for almost two months. Showering him, helping him go to the bathroom, doing everything for him, including all  his chores (which isn't much cuz he doesn't help much, but nursing him is a lot of work).

Anyways, he asked me yesterday to do him a "huge favor" and I almost cringed because how huge will it be? I asked what and he asked if I could Hand him his sweater which was right next to me. I asked him
Why he does that? Frames a simple request as a "huge favor"? Is it to make me feel rewarded like I actually did something huge. It was right next to me. So I asked him why he asked for it like it was a "huge favor." And he said, "because usually when I ask For help I get eye rolls and sighs." I was shocked! I have been too nice to him considering how he drove so dangerously and we haven't even talked about that yet, and I have been so nice to him. I know that because it makes me feel sick to be so fake to him. But he is hurt.

So I asked, "are you saying I am mistreating you?" And he backpedaled and said no no no. And I said, "but if I am doing that to you then I am mistreating you."

I honestly don't feel like I am
mistreating him. I am tired because we also have kids with chronic illness and that is a lot on my plate on top of everything. But I am not ever begrudging his requests for snacks or help. Never grumpy or reluctant to help. He needs help. One time He asked for a shower and I asked for him to wait an hour. But that was really not a big deal I thought?

Idk how I could be better, maybe I am not doting on him enough. He will go to work and people there dote on him a lot, so maybe he just notices I am not kissing his butt. Or being warmly affectionate and romantic. But our marriage isn't in a good place. I don't trust his words or his actions. I feel like he put our lives in danger. I feel like he betrayed me to his father who is my enemy, telling me I that I said I wanted his money. I don't trust him with my mind, my heart, my body, my kids, our finances.

He wanted the money to pay off HIS credit cards. I am not allowed to have one, but he ran up the limit on his so he asked his dad to pay it off, and told his dad I wanted it. His dad who calls me a "gold digger," even though we are broke.

I just need to sort this out.

I think the last time I posted it was really triggering stuff he had done worse than this. I am embarrassed I wrote all that. I am sorry if anyone remembers. I am just so depressed. I am killing myself trying to wait on him hand and foot, while mad at him, and he doesn't say thank you he says that I am rolling my eyes and sighing when he asks for help. But he also lies and manipulates so I have to trust my own mind. I get no appreciation. And on top of it I feel like I Have to do better for
Him? I can't. I can't give more, I can't fake more.

Sorry for
The typos, I am typing on my phone.

I am sorry for always coming here with problems, and never contributing help to you guys. When things get better and I have more time I would love to come and pay it backward. But right now I am so lost.

I don't want to be married to him anymore. My life is hard and has been for 5years. And on top of that I spend half my day angry at him for being so totally disappointing, and feeling so unloved as my life is passing by and I know I wasted my life on him. Nobody will ever love me. I will never know what it is like to be truly adored. And I have a lot of love to give. I don't even think I believe in love anymore, but I am so desperate for it anyway. Not with him though. I do t want things to get better or work out. I want a divorce. I want to fall in love and be loved. By someone who really cares and is healthy. I feel deep grief over this. I know so many of you feel the same grief and anger and also fear. Best wishes to all of you. I sound pathetic. Lol. I am so sorry. Thank you for reading this.

[square]

Hey Dinah Sore, we are happy to hear from you and hope you'll always feel welcome here.

Please do not feel that your last post was something anybody considered any fault of yours in any way. You described a serious situation that was beyond the level of this board to assist with. But in no way does that mean anybody was upset with you whatsoever, or that anybody felt you did anything wrong.

I definitely understand your feeling of being used and betrayed so your husband could get money from his father. It was despicable. Please remember that they call you a gold digger because it suits them, and not because of anything based in reality.

Your husband acted like nothing changed because it works just fine for him. You were still living with him, and the way he sees it you did come back around. You're in a difficult situation and it's not really possible to untangle while living with the person.

Now he's got you waiting on him hand and foot. He's having a pretty good time. He can make you jump with small moves like implying that you are not being completely delighted to jump at his every whim. Which is crazymaking at both ends because it sounds like you have been extraordinarily giving, so he has framed it as you not giving enough while in fact it has been excessive.

You deserve appreciation for your care of him, but you are not going to get it. The flaw is not in you.

You are hoping he'll realize, but he will not. He will give you just enough crumbs to keep you on the hook.

You are worthy of being loved. He is not capable of it. I want to caution you. If you do get out, you will be highly affected by any validation you get from anyone. Predatory men similar to your husband use love bombing as a tool to reel people in, and then it all dries up. If you manage to get free, Dinah Sore, your difficult task will be to find your own way.

We're rooting for you.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Dinah!  Welcome back! I'm sorry to read that life with your npdH is so frustrating.  I do understand how difficult it can be and after three decades of marriage, I'm now separated.  Since you posted in the chosen relationships board, I won't go on about divorce, but I want to second square with:

"You are hoping he'll realize, but he will not. He will give you just enough crumbs to keep you on the hook. You are worthy of being loved. He is not capable of it" .

And:

"If you manage to get free, Dinah Sore, your difficult task will be to find your own way."

+1

Please also remember the wonderful saying that goes something like "what a narcissist accuses you of, is the closest thing to a confession you are ever going to receive". 

That is true in my life. Rooting for you as well.

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

Dinah, welcome back. I am glad to see that you have joined us again and sad to read that your situation has not improved.

You have been abused by your mother and are still being abused by your husband. I second what Square wrote.

The story about the drive in snow and ice is horrific. It would make me refuse to ever get into a vehicle with this person driving again. I suspect that the more frightened you became , the more powerful he felt. And enjoyed your fear and your begging him to be reasonable. You did the right thing, you need not feel embarrassed. The other adult in the car should feel embarrassed for not trying to talk sense into your husband with you. Normal adults do not behave like that, irresponsible intoxicated teenagers might.

Of course you feel resentful of your husband. As is usual with your posts, I notice how I feel angry on your behalf. Your husband treats you very badly. You wrote that you were separated for a while. I remember him being generous with himself and stingy with you and the kids. Was it financial reasons that made you go back? Is there any way you can create some income for yourself and have your own bank account?

You wrote you have a lot of love to give. How about you stop looking for love outside and begin to give love to yourself? Look in the mirror and say nice things to yourself. When asked to do something, first look inside you and find out if you really want to do it. And if not, don't do it.  Walk away and do something that is meaningful for you. How about you stop sacrificing yourself for your husband and do something positive for yourself?

You have suffered for such a long time. You have suffered enough. I post the famous poem I rise by Maya Angelou for you, I hope you will find comfort in it.

Still I Rise
BY MAYA ANGELOU
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

[SeaBreeze]

Dinah,

It sounds like your H is fairly incapacitated right now. Which means -- you have the upper hand, while he is dependent on you. He's likely making "requests" (or demands) of you to gain some equal footing back in his favor. But, again, you have some power at the moment. I'm not saying abandon him to fend for himself during his recovery. But please show yourself some grace during this time, while perhaps making the most of the advantage you have in the relationship right now and empowering yourself at least a little. I'm talking a paradigm shift in thinking; I remember when it happened toward the end of my marriage, I could almost literally feel the air change at the exact moment the balance shifted and I realized I had more control in the relationship than I'd given myself credit for. Just a thought! Whatever happens, we are always here at Out of the FOG with words of encouragement and solace!

[Defiantdaughter1]

I'm so sorry, Dinah. You deserve to be loved and happy. Your husband has been making your life difficult for a long time. I've seen your other posts.

[Dinah-sore]

Thank you all so so much for your responses. I read them several times and I have really thought a lot about what you all have said. I am so thankful for you guys. It surprises me that you guys even remember me. Thank you so much.

Notrightinthehead,thank you also for sharing that poem. I love that poem and I appreciate that so much.

Things have been busy, so I wasn't able to respond. But I actually have another question I want to ask, but I was make another post.