Parental Alienation

[verum71]

I have a 14 year old daughter that I have joint legal and physical custody with my BPDex.  My ex was diagnosed in 2004 - we have been divorced since 2010.  My daughter has been increasingly distant for a while now.  This will take the form of not returning texts or calls, when I am at an event (school related, sports, etc) and her BPDmother is there, I feel like I am ignored or not even present.  For lack of a better word, it just like the times that I have her "present" - like my daughter of old - are getting fewer and fewer.  I have been dealing with this for a long time - I have 2 older children as well with my BPDex. My struggles lately have been a fear of losing her, like everything I am trying to do is not going to matter.  My oldest made the decision to live with me at 17 - he had enough of the crazymaking.  As an adult now, he seems to have a different perspective on what was normal and what was not normal - he has also been working with a therapist as well. 
My middle child was not so lucky - at 15 he told me he was tired of coming to my house and went to live with his mother, which was a disaster.  My middle son (18) eventually left his mom's house as well, was homeless for a period of time, and is just now trying to put some of his life together, albeit not too successfully. 
At the end of the day, as her dad, I am feeling more and more like an afterthought - like all of the important stuff happens at her mom's house, who always does no wrong.  This is a long rant, but I have been pretty emotionally exhausted over the last couple of weeks.

[Associate of Daniel]

I feel exactly the same, Verum.

For many years I was ignored by ds (now 15) whenever I was at events (sport, school, medical appointments) at the same time as his uNPD father uNPD smother.

I realised it was his way of keeping the peace with them but it hurt like billyo.

He's now more confident to include me when we're in their presence but the occasions are few. Especially since Covid.

He chose to live with them when he was 13. I've been utterly devastated.  But he's just told me last night that he's tired of his dad's emotional problems and he doesn't think his dad has his back, even though he says he does.  Ds now wants to try 50/50 living arrangements.

It's so painful watching him go through this even though my heart is rejoicing that he's starting to see the reality of his dad.

Unfortunately you're not alone.

AOD

[verum71]

It's very hard to not take it personally - that's been the struggle, to try and separate from that.  I've been biting my tongue, because my gut wants to react to it and say something to my daughter.  However, I don't even know what i would say - it's more of a gut instinct - and I also know that she would probably not acknowledge it or try to deflect it. 
I've been very intrigued over the last couple of years about people being an empath, or having a stronger empathic ability, being really sensitive to the energy that is around you.  I know that the energy surrounding the relationship with my daughter just doesn't feel right - there is a lot of negative energy right now attached to it - especially when her mom is around.  I tend to go through this every school year - our custody schedule changes and she is with me during week during the summer while I am off (I teach school) and that whole energy tends to flip.  I've really been battling with my brain's tendency to go right to the worst case scenario - that I'm going to lose her somehow.

[Kat54]

My children were in college when my ex and I split. Even at that age, my ex was putting huge guilt trips on them. He was a victim and therefore feel sorry and cater to whatever he needed. Lots of drama and telling them everything. Because as my daughter stated he had no one to talk to. Which started them alienating me.

I on the other hand since I was the one who moved out was seen quite differently. Barely saw them even though I tried and even then they stuck close to him if we had to be at something together. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces seeing how they treated me so differently. They figured since I initiated the divorce that I was fine and great in my world.

It's been three years and they are now 24 and 26 and son moved out of his dads house, which was our family home. And daughter is still with him but their family dynamics is interesting. My daughter takes no BS from her father as I think she finally saw through all the "feel bad for me" tactics from her father.

One example of what goes on, we had a family wedding which we all attended together. It was in another state so daughter said she would drive with me. The entire weekend he gave her such a hard time about everything, was moody, angry with her.  So she ended up sticking close to him as did her brother, she didn't have a good time.

Our relationship has changed and they remain kind of distant but not nearly as bad.  I've recently established having Sunday dinner at my house once a month. I know they love me but they seem to try and appease him because it's easier for them to not deal with his craziness.

[SoStuck]

I feel for you.

I'm going through the same thing with my 14 year old son and his BPD father.

My daughter (12) started refusing to go to his house a few months ago when they had a fight in the driveway. My ex has been guilting our son since the divorce (I'm so sad, I need you, Buddy. Everyone is against me) and he has no rules at his house (stay up as late as you want, don't do homework, eat whatever you want) so it's super appealing for a 14 year old boy.

He saw our daughter not going as an opportunity to not get our son to be with me anymore (even though I have primary custody!). I haven't seen my son in 10 days except for a quick hug in the garage to tell him I love him and I miss him.

My heart is broken.

I tried to get my ex to go to counselling with my daughter or allow me to pay a social worker to go to his house with her so that they can work to fix this.

He has done nothing except tell our son not to come see me, and disparage me and my family to him every opportunity he gets.

We have court tomorrow on Monday where I'm asking for immediate return of brodie and a return to the court ordered parenting schedule but I'm just afraid that's going to push my son further away from me.

So I have no advice. Just commiseration. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Gettintired76]

I am with you verum with all three of mine, my ex took it a step further since cps was called on her by our daughters school she trumped up every charge you can think of and the State took them from me. Our son (the oldest) always gets distant when hes with her, when we'd be alone hed talk my ear off. All I can say is hang in there and be happy you at least still have your child.

[Magnolia34]

I'm so sorry to read about what you're all going through. Truly. My husband hasn't seen his 4 children (2 of which are now adults) for a year (hasn't seen his oldest for 3 years). This is all too familiar. We've had several rounds of alienation and "I want to go live with my mom" but the most recent ended with the kids telling their school guidance counselors we were abusive, the 18 year old getting herself sent to an in-patient treatment facility and BPDbm has been fighting reunification therapy for a year now. There were never any complaints filed with CPS so, of the 10 or so mandated reporters involved, none of them felt there was any cause behind anything that was being said. Needless to say, we had an incompetent judge and as so often happens, no one wants to get into the weeds enough with BM to actually see what's going on. DH had to pay a therapist just to sit down with him to go through text messages from DSS21 (when he was younger) to convince her that he didn't kick his son out of the house, among many other accusations. It's just hard to get anyone to listen or understand.
BPDbm recently remarried and wants to move the kids out of state so she suddenly became VERY pro-therapy when a new judge caught on to what was going on. At this point, his oldest daughter has aged out and the other kids are old enough that even if they go through with therapy, no one will force them into timesharing.
My DH has been incredibly strong throughout all of this. I can't imagine how he can even get out of bed in the morning but he's doing okay. I think he spent enough time with BPDex to know how this could go. He says he stayed in the marriage as long as he did because he knew that if he left there was a good chance he would never see his children again. His hope with reunification therapy is just to leave some kind of door open for a relationship when the kids are older, if they're able to get some distance from her. His oldest, now 21, left to go live with her when he was 16. He didn't graduate, was homeless for some time, and from BPDbm's account is pretty transient and only sees her occasionally. DH hasn't seen or spoken to him for 3 years. I guess there's just always that hope or a chance that at some point they come around, he calls for help because he knows his dad loves him, and they're able to have some kind of relationship. It's just heartbreaking to watch. I'm sad for DH but it's the kids who are missing out on a relationship with a really good parent who loves them.