Can he keep his mask on with the kids?

[rockandhardplace]

Over the years stbx  updh has been a very inconsistent parent lets say. Was happy for me to do all the baby stuff and discipline etc but would blow up at them suddenly. Criticising them - lazy was his favourite, or dismissing them - frequently telling them to shut up, unrealistic expectations and highly focussed on achievements etc. No emotional connections ever. All about being busy and trying exciting things. Has never said I love you to any of them, even when they ask him he gets so awkward. Over the years when he did something that was hurtful I would at times say something. Like when one of them was apologising for something and he wouldn't accept their apology kept saying oh you do this all the time you're not sorry you'll do it again. I would always cop abuse from him. But the weird thing is that like the defensive child who you think isn't listening to anything you say he seems to have changed many of his very bad parenting behaviours. Not the alienating them against their mum, denigrating me etc, but he's really on his best behaviour with them lately. I haven't left him properly yet but we've lived separate lives for years. He still verbally abuses me regularly but that's a whole other story. I'm terrified of them losing me altogether if he makes it too hard for them to have a relationship with me. He thinks he owns them and basically has no friends. But I guess I'm wondering if I can get away and he doesn't turn them against me can he don the mask with them enough to not completely damage them? I fear he will move back onto them when I file. overall his parenting is not great, but honestly probably not awful. They would be okay if they still have me in their lives for the emotional side of things. Except he is controlling and was always controlling with me but once I started to see the fog and as I started to challenge him the subtle control has turned into really awful verbal abuse. I'm worried that as they get older and start to assert their own ideas the mask will slip and he will abuse them.

[notrightinthehead]

Every time I tried to predict future behaviour of my NPDh my mind would spin and my anxiety level rose. I felt helpless and out of control. Eventually I accepted that I could not possibly predict how he was going to behave and what the outcome of his behaviour would be. I decided that I would do my best. Be kind, be loving, be authentic. When I paid attention to the present and what I had control over - my behaviour - my anxiety levels were significantly reduced. High anxiety levels prevented me from thinking clearly. When I was calmer and less anxious, I could see other options and other possible outcomes.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

 

Right after I read your post, my thoughts went to exactly what notrightinthehead replied with. 

So TRUE!!  I completely thought my exPD would have behaved one way with my son and he did not. For example, I thought he would have set up a really cool bedroom so that my son would have wanted to spend all his time over at his place.  Couldn't have been farther from the truth.  He didn't even set up a room at all.  So, you never know.

As I learning about myself the more time I am Out of the FOG, I am seeing how my parenting needed to change.  So, I am starting to focus less on how horrible my exPD is, but to focus on how I am as a mother and how I need to address my own behavior.  This is what I can control.  It's strange though - I've lived so much the past few years reacting to my exPD that just thinking about me and how I need to change feels so different - and difficult too.

[Foggymama]

What I've seen with my Nex is that my kid experiences the same roller coaster that I did with him, but in very different ways. For example, the child is not allowed to have ANY negative emotion at all. So if she is in a good mood, her dad is super fun and attentive and pays her a lot of attention. If she has any criticism or negative feelings towards him (anything from disliking food he made to being upset over his behavior) then he gaslights her and criticizes her. He flat out lies to her and she is too young to catch it. Most of the time she just doesn't have access to information to know he is lying. She is his little trophy. So he parades her around at work and church, but god help her if she demonstrates any normal kid behavior like restlessness or hanger. But he doesn't yell at her, he makes her thing she is deficient in some way. He says it in the calmest way, it's creepy. When she was much younger she never voiced a negative thought about her dad. Now that she is getting older she will talk to me about how she can't share feelings at his house and she isn't allowed to speak up for herself in any way. She is still completely under his spell (he is very charming and fun, he does pretend play at a level most actors couldn't match), but there are cracks there and she occasionally voices her experience. Try to remember how your spouse charmed you and what happened to reveal their true nature. Now imagine being a kid and having zero concept of boundaries, self-esteem, or the power to say no to adults. It has to be confusing beyond any level we experienced as spouses.

[rockandhardplace]

 
THIS! All this is what worries me the most. I was in such a FOG for 10 years. Me an adult human being did not see behind the mask until I was in my 40's. How will my children ever recognise it?? Recently my brother told me that when my family met him my dad thought he was such a great guy, really generous and knowledgeable. I walked on eggshells for years but it took me getting sick and him getting angry and critical of that for me to take a step back. In the process of having to navigate a chronic pain condition by myself he lost control of me and that's when the mask really started to slip. The name calling and yelling an inch from my face has been a relief as it makes it so much easier to recognise abuse and gaslighting. I feel like i was brainwashed, which makes me so terrified for my kids. Number 1 fear is him needing to annihilate me by alienating my kids from me and them losing their only safe parent and me losing my kids. But even without that the subtle chipping away of their self esteem and identities to fit with what he wants makes me feel hopeless and helpless to protect them.

[Rose1]

The big difference is that you are aware of the behaviour and Out of the FOG. Teaching children in an age appropriate way about boundaries and validating their feelings is already a huge step in helping them deal with pd.

Your kids will benefit from the strategies and eventually as they get older, in ways to pick up red flags and not minimise them. This will help them deal with their parent and also and pd potential relationships in the future.

Personally I think one of the biggest gifts is letting kids vent, acknowledging their fears and observations, asking questions around the behaviour and how they feel they can cope, alternatives etc

I often said to mine, yes I understand that this is the way your father deals with things in his house but we have rules here and being mean to each other is not acceptable in our house. Kindness to each other and peace is one of the main rules of the house.

Btw mine are both in their 30s now and it has definitely helped. It didn't solve all the problems by any means and there were quite a few things that happened I never found out about till many years later.

But it's much better than "you're imagining it" which is what I got.