Alienation

[cgr68311]

Quick question, what are some good strategies or early interventions to offset alienation? After winning my custody case, ex has been using very subtle alienation techniques that are messing up DS4, for example ex keeps hammering an 'I miss you' narrative, so that when DS4 is with me he just parrots that nonstop, cries or gets withdrawn distanced in playground.

[rockandhardplace]

I recommend reading "coparenting with a toxic ex" by Amy Baker.

[Penny Lane]

That's a good one. So is Don't Alienate the Kids! by Bill Eddy.

He has one technique/visual that I want to share because it was really helpful for me. He describes kids' emotions like a hot brick. Our job as parents is to hold on to the brick, cool it down, and then hand it back at a manageable temperature for them to handle.

So say your son is crying saying I miss mommy or whatever. You give him a big hug, you say, it's very hard to miss the ones we love! I'll hold you for as long as you need, then let's try to have fun on the playground.

Or whatever! Let him know that it's ok to be sad and to miss mommy, but it's also ok to have fun.

Also, building up positive experiences with you. Safety and dependability in all your interactions.

As he gets older you can explain that both mommy and daddy miss him when he's not there. But that's not his fault and he doesn't have to be sad just because the adults are. For example you miss him but you want him to be happy even when you're not there! Basically try to turn it into a positive through good modeling.

Good luck!

[newday]

Its been years since I've been on here but I'm going through the same thing right now and I'm heartbroken and don't know where to turn.  My oldest is 18 and hasn't spoken to me in a year and a half and my 16 year old hasn't spoken to me in 4 months.  My ex has been dragging me through the court system since 2015.  I've been terrified to parent either of girls for years because I was terrified they'd run to their dad's if I had any rules. They view me through the same eyes their father does - with nothing but contempt and disgust.  I have no advice but know you are not alone.  Therapy helps to an extent but it doesn't fill the gaping hole left by the absence of your children

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Penny Lane - great tips. 

newday - I understand, I've been alienated from my daughter and like you, I was afraid to parent her - because she did run to her father and get whatever she wanted.  It's sad and I wish I didn't live in such fear.

So, I'll just add, please don't parent in fear of what may happen.   Be the best parent you can and enjoy what you have.  You have no idea if you will or won't be alienated, but you know what kind of parent you are 

[cgr68311]

someone recommended me to spend as much 1:1 as possible, so if he does swim lessons or soccer lessons I'm right there with him. Seems to be working. Any bs he comes back with I turn it around, for example, he came back obsessed last week hand washing, he is very impressionable at his tender age and don't like to see that, how freaked out he gets at anything my ex tells him, so without knowing I did the hot brick thing, and calmly explained about bacteria and viruses and even bought him a cheap microscope, we gathered samples he loved it, bonding experience.