Son keeps going back to uNPD father like a drug addict

[Preamble]

Hi everyone
This story will have some details changed for privacy but the main idea should be there.

My disabled adult son, 35,  lives with his uNPD father overseas.  He went there when he was 13.  His father sent him back here in 2014 due to a breakdown he had.  I don't know the details.  A relative  took him in, got him diagnosed, got him a place to live.  But in 2017 he went back to his father.  I don't know the details.  Now his father says that he needs to find him another place to live due to finances and my son asks if he can live with me.

I don't know much because that is how my family, and my son's family, dysfunctions.  I'm generally shut out and parentally alienated.

His disabilities include relatively low intelligence, aspergers and OCD.  He does not seem employable.

At his age, and with both parents in their sixties, he desperately needs to form relationships, find friends, get activities, achieve a little independence, develop contact habits with the rest of his family who are closer to his own age.  Where he was, there was nothing.  And this is the crux:  I know his father will try and get him back before too long no matter what I arrange for him and he will be back to being isolated and there only to keep his aging father company, off and on, when he isn't discarding him.  I see no genuine concern for his wellbeing and for what will happen when he has to live without either of us.

I want to have him here so I can see him, even for a while, even if I have to get him into assisted living somewhere.  I have had very little contact with him in the last (many) years and he is a very very poor communicator by phone or email.  If he's not in the same room with you, you can know nothing, as he has empathy but also  mind-blindness.

I want to stop it.  My son seems just like a drug addict.  What do you think about all this?  Is there some way to poison the well so his father doesn't want to use him for supply anymore?

[Preamble]

It looks as if I have put this in the wrong area.   Does anyone have an opinion on where it should be moved to?

I've been looking for children's books about having an uNPD parent and there are a few suitable ones.  I might read some to my son if he feels like it.
Two are by Roald Dahl.

[Srcyu]

Maybe in the co-parenting section? I'm not sure.
Which Roald Dahl books are you thinking of? He was such a clever author.

[square]

This could maybe be moved to Coparenting, but overall it's just a really complicated problem.

Getting someone to see that someone they love and depend on is toxic is very difficult. The person has to be willing to see, and the ability to be willing can be quite fraught.

In your son's case, his cognitive limitations and whatever degree of dependence he may have makes this an even more complex situation.

I'm guessing Mathilda might be one of the books you chose. An excellent work.

[Preamble]

Yes, the ones recommended were Matilda and James and the Giant Peach, There was also Cookie by Jacqueline Wilson and Coraline which became a film like the Roald Dahl ones.

The film Memento comes to mind too.

Thank you square and Windmill I feel a little better for being heard anyway. 

[Rose1]

I have a disabled adult child on the spectrum that lives with me and my dh who is her stepdad. She has very little to do with her biological father and hasn't since she was about 13.
She is about the age of your son.
My d requires considerable support as she is in a wheelchair due to another condition.
In recent years she has been able to get gov funding for disability support and we have a wonderful respite provider she goes to for an overnight every week.
I would caution the following:
Kids on the spectrum don't like change much as a rule.
Young adults, even intellectually impaired. like to feel like part of the community they are in. This includes some assisted work if possible.
It may take time for him to feel comfortable with you and getting him into assisted living without a lot of transitional time and getting to know and trust you could feel like rejection and end up with a poor outcome.
Independent living has good and bad providers and requires a great deal if research.
Some of the environments are very poor. The good ones have rules about behaviour to each other and caring people who try to teach living skills, take young people out to enjoy the things they like to do, promote independence as much as possible but keep a watch care so abuse and poor association can be avoided. A lot of these young people are very vulnerable and there's plenty out there to take advantage.

Can I suggest you get to know your son, find out his likes and dislikes, find out what he wants to do and try to facilitate some of that slowly. If he enjoys his life with you he will have less desire to go back.

He may never have lived away from a parent, he may have few skills around housework, personal care etc. You may benefit from some in home help and support. There likely are asd support services you could get in touch with. These services would know what is available in your area in the way of support and can provide you with a lot of good information.

And in the words of a wise man I heard in a lecture "enjoy the journey". These kids can be quite awesome and fun.

[Preamble]

Rose1 this is what I have been needing, thank you so much.  I have made contact with one social group but have not yet met them.
I will read it again a few times.  Can't say too much as I don't want to "blow my cover", but this is very helpful.

[Rose1]

That's great. It's possible your son wants to go back to what he knows, even if he doesn't get what he needs.

It could be quite a culture shock for you, going to caring after all these years so every bit of support you can get will help.  No guarantee of course but getting to know your son and not going too fast with changes may be helpful. Don't forget to look after yourself and get time out if possible.

Over 60 is harder, you run out of energy (ask me how I know ). Your son may be quite happy to help out with things, he may love gardening for example.

It's also quite possible he hasn't found his niche yet.

Something else I was told in a lecture by red cross I attended, it takes a lot of energy for a young person on the spectrum just to function and cope with normal society. Therefore they are often tired and cannot cope with more than 3 days a week in some sort of employment. I found that to be the case.

[Srcyu]

Preamble,
You've struck gold there with the advice from Rose1. Who would have thought that someone with such good insight and experience could be available like that?
I'm so glad that you are receiving such fantastic advice.

[Preamble]

Windmill I agree!  I feel very supported and understood

[Preamble]

Rose1 I liked the observation that people on the spectrum get extra tired and are best with 3 days a week work.  I think I am on the spectrum too and that was true for me.  It's easier for girls I think, that is if you see marriage as a kind of career.  Of course they are also vulnerable to abuse so its tough either way.  I do know that male aspies say they are jealous of female aspies as they are at least in demand socially whereas its hard for the males to find a girlfriend.   I feel sad thinking about that just now.

i also appreciated your comment on getting tired.   I'm tired *now* and he has not arrived.

Thank you again

[Rose1]

You're welcome.

Look at it as an opportunity to get to know your son, maybe have some fun, maybe get him on a good path for independence, and if he goes back to his father because of pressure or just wanting the status quo, know you did some good.

Maybe it's what you both need right now.