Any suggestions?

[Associate of Daniel]

Ds has just turned 16. The current court orders were written almost 3 years ago and the living arrangements they stipulate no longer meet his needs and wishes.

His uNPD father is refusing to budge from them because he's (uNPD father) not happy with my response to an impossible demand he's placed upon me.  Said demand has no relevance to the court ordered living arrangements.

Ds wants more flexibility with the arrangements.  He basically wants to go 50/50 but also be able to make one off changes from time to time. Currently the arrangement is roughly 70% with his uNPD father.

He is heading into his final 3 years of school, including doing 3 state qualifying subjects a year early.  So these coming years are a lot of work and stressful.

My thinking is that we shouldn't try to rewrite the court orders.  Instead, we should perhaps try a (school) term by term arrangement of Ds's choosing, and adapt to his needs as we go.

Ds16 doesn't stand up to his uNPD father.  He asks him for a change in plan and when his dad says no he he doesn't take it any further.  He knows he has to "keep the peace" with his uNPD father.

But of course that means that he himself isn't at peace.

The law is such that technically we have to stick to the court orders but that the 16 year old can simply talk with his feet, so to speak.

I dearly want ds to have the courage to stand up to his father and advocate for himself.  One fear I have is that he may eventually explode at his father. And during the final years of school is not a good time to do that.

Has anyone here any suggestions as to how we can get ds what he needs and wants?  Court isn't an option.   I'd like to get ds into counselling but he won't have a bar of it.

AOD

[Stepping lightly]

Hi AoD,

I understand your situation all too well.  My DSS15 has struggled with his uBPD/NPD mom having primary custody.  He wants to spend more time with his dad, but sadly, we can't make that happen.  BM got full custody because she manipulated the kids into "choosing her".  Once this happened, the kids realized what they had done, they thought "it would make mom happy", but it didn't.  But- that really cut off any options we had to reverse the decision, because the accusation would have been that we had alienated the kids.  BM is phenomenal at making this type of accusation stick.  DSS did stick up for himself early on- it was ugly.  BM ended up taking him to a psychiatrist and having him diagnosed with a mental condition- basically setting herself up to defend custody with "he's not in mental state to make this type of decision".  The diagnosis was incorrect, we couldn't get it reversed, and that's a whole other story.    We have also worried that BM would push DSS to explode as well- she's pushed him before (to validate the mental issues) and because he refused to comply with some ridiculous punishment (I think she was trying to make him do jumping jacks or something)- she called the police on her 10 yo son.  We've had in depth discussions about navigating BM's emotional reactions to him, and how he can manage them....he  was a good study because now she gets angry and says he's apathetic because he won't engage.

All of that is to say- you and DS need to make the decision based on what you understand the consequences will be.  How hard will his father fight back?  Is this something DS will be willing to endure?  I agree that at this point, court just makes things worse- there is always a risk to lose even more time.  Is it important enough to fight for that you will likely spend the next 3 years fighting with his father?  IF DS stood up for himself, what do you think his father's response will be?

Sadly for us- we are looking at the limited time left in the custody situation and just want to get the kids across the finish line with our relationship and their mental/emotional stability intact.  We support them in any way we can, even if that means enduring their rejection when they are forced to do so, and responding to them with ongoing love and support and not anger.  There has been enough acknowledgement from them to know that we are having the positive impact we are hoping for, it's still painful along the way, but such is our role to be the stable parents that will always support them.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Stepping Lightly.

What an awful story you have.  And an all too common one.

Someone told me yesterday that 16 year olds may have a legal right for a 3rd party advocate through Legal Aide.  I think I'll look into that, although I don't think ds16 would take it up, even if it is available to him.

I have also thought to suggest to him that he write an email to both his father and me, stating what he wants to happen regarding his living arrangements.  Again, I don't think he will.

And another thought I had is that he could approach his uNPD smother and ask her to advocate for him to his uNPD father.  I know that she won't do it, hiding behind the court orders and it not being her role.  Which is ironic, as that would be the only time she would have stuck to her role and not stomped over every normal and moral boundary in sight.  But at least ds would then start to see the truth about her.

I am wondering if anyone else can chime in with stories of their older teenage children making their wishes known and what the results were.  What actions did the children take?

AOD