PD only became interested in kids post separation

[CagedBirdSinging]

Just wondering. Anyone else have a pd ex partner who only became interested in the kids post separation?

I was going to write 'only became interested in  parenting.' But that would be inaccurate. ExpdH doesn't know the first thing about parenting, and doesn't care, but suddenly wants loads of time with the kids, when he never cared about them before.

I raised the kids entirely by myself when we were married. He never looked after them for even an hour on his own, and he begrudged having to spend time with them. He was utterly disinterested when they were babies. When my eldest was a week old, he went off and left us while he persued his latest obsessive hobby for a weekend. I didn't mind at the time- I was relieved he was gone.

This always comes up around Christmas time.  This is our second holiday season post separation. When we were married he hated the holidays, spent most of the time sleeping or going out with friends, or on various hobbies. He barely spent any time with the kids.

Now since separation he is obsessed with them. Unfortunately he is off work for 3 weeks over the holidays. I just got the standard December text about how he 'wants to spend loads of time with the kids' over the next few weeks. Poor kids. He is obsessive and controlling. He won't even give them space to play- he has to be in the middle of everything.

I just find this really galling. Obviously it is his rights as a parent- but does he not realise I remember all those other holidays, when he wanted nothing to do with me or the kids?!

This is why I kinda dread the holidays now. I'm trying to stay positive though, to create fun adventures and lovely lazy days when I have the kids on my own.

Thanks for listening x

[Penny Lane]

Yes absolutely. DH saw it with his ex and I feel like we see this all the time on this board.

My theories:
- A play for child support, either to receive more or to pay less (DH's lawyer said this is very common).
- Knowing that you want it so they want to take it away.
- Trying to get that supply that you have removed.
- Keeping up appearances with other people that they are an involved parent.

The really frustrating part for me is what you said about him not wanting to parent. It is the same over here - DH does all of the hard work of parenting, he and I pay almost all the kids' bills with little help from BM, and she swoops in with a bunch of expensive Christmas presents.

By the way when DH's divorce was final, BM's interest in the kids dropped dramatically. I saw this with my own eyes when he went to court for a modification. During the court process she was mom of the year, showed up to everything and sat in the front row and posted videos on Facebook. After court was over it was like, whoosh, she disappeared. Now she never goes to sports practice or music recitals or doctors appointments or anything else unless she absolutely has to. It's a relief for me privately but also incredibly sad for the kids, who clearly miss her presence.

Hang in there. Keep doing your good parent thing. Come vent here when you need to. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[rockandhardplace]

With mine he was only interested in our eldest. We have 3 and she was GC for years, he parentified her, put her above me in family hierarchy. It started with little things when we had our 3rd and I was so busy with the baby. She was 7/8 and he'd start chatting to her about what to do of a weekend. It was subtle but soon he'd have a chat with her away from me and instead of it being hey gc suggested we do x they'd come in and say we're going to x. Then he started over ruling parenting decisions etc. Caused so many issue in my relationship with her. Basically alienation while still together. He never did any care for any of them. Especially as babies. I was a stay home mom. But as our relationship deteriorated he's become over involved and controlling to all of them. Gc is too busy with friends now for supply so he's moving onto sg, our middle child. He used to bully him with Gc now he tells her off for the name calling. She's so confused. And with our youngest - he literally ignored her for first 4-5 years of her life. She's my most emotionally healthy child as I started to see the PD / family dysfunction when she was a baby and didn't allow him to interfere with my parenting. She's 8 now and he is all over her like a rash. Always in her face criticising her one minute playing the next. All the conditional love stuff he did to the others. I'm too scared to leave cus I've witnessed what he does when she disappoints him and I'm terrified that he will completely sever my older kids from me. I was so close to my middle child but now he's just lapping up his dads attention and has changed so much. I think stbx does this for supply and because I'm so GR he can't get a rise out of me. But mostly he needs to control people. Children are just props to make him look good. He doesn't care about them only about their achievements so he can boast to his family.
I would say be careful that their dads attention isn't a play to alienate them from you.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks Penny- let's hope once my divorce is finalised next year he might back off a bit.

Thanks rockandahardplace. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're right, I need to be wary of alienation.

The thing is- he has zero emotional connection with them. He doesn't care about them as individuals. He just wants to impose his interests on them, and use them to make him look good on Instagram.

They are much closer to me. The good thing is that since separation I now have plenty of time on my own with them. Those times when he's not here are pure bliss.

Penny I think you are right- it is a control thing, a way to manipulate me. I have to pretend he is not bothering me. Hopefully the novelty will wear off. He is online dating, desperately trying to get new supply, but so far there must have been no takers.

[Yorfro]

I can kinda' relate.  My BPD regularly expressed interest in parenting and would talk about how they often felt like a failure.  Sometimes, for VERY brief periods, he would get REALLY involved....  But most of the time, he couldn't be bothered to handle the basics.  My son spent most of his early years in daycare while my ex chilled at home.  When I deployed, my father would take care of the boy.  The most my ex could consistently do was take my kid to appointments that occurred while I was at work, and he was sure to complain the whole time.  I can especially relate to the holidays.  Just looking at my Christmas photos over the past 5 years, my ex isn't even in present in most of them.  They just hung out in bed while we opened presents.

Now he's demanding custody.  He has said he is taking our son for the summer when previously he couldn't even manage a week of parenting by himself without crisis. He sends texts when he used to go days in-between talking to our boy (unless you count scolding him for existing).  He schedules times to hangout when it used to be like pulling teeth to get him to come do something with us.  Even still, this newfound interests lacks a sense of authenticity, ya know?  The hang-outs are always the exact same thing, because he can't think of anything else my son my like other than walking around the malls.  They last less than an hour each week, even though there are currently no restrictions on how often he could visit.  The messages I've seen are generic or reference old hobbies that my son's no longer interested in; most don't get a reply.  My ex is couch surfing and doesn't even have their own place, let alone a furnished room, a childcare plan, how my son will feel about missing summer with the new friends he's made, his doctor/therapy appointments, etc; he's really putting the cart before the horse here.

As for why?  Maybe control?  Ego?  Who knows.  In some ways, it's a positive.  My son gets to enjoy the other parent's company in small, consistent doses without having to suffer through the bad.  I just worry about the day that my ex loses interest.  Maybe it'll come when he loses his bid for custody, maybe it'll come when he moves on to the next family, maybe he'll just happen to get bored one day.  I just hope I'll be able to help my kid through the heartbreak when it happens.

[atticusfinch]

This is really common! It happened to me too, and I agree that it really stinks.

I agree with what the others said--it's likely several things, like trying to pay less child support, punishing you for leaving, and then the whole vanity thing, ie, looking like a good parent (and as a way to gaslight you). My ex fought for all this extra time with the kids, and then as soon as he got it (with lowered child support for me, of course), he seemed bored with the idea of actually raising them. He drops them off early or doesn't take them on his scheduled nights quite a bit. But then when it comes to the glamorous parts of parenting, he has to make sure he's taking all the credit? Our daughter was valedictorian last year and even though it was my parent time, he absolutely insisted that our kids sit by him. He didn't drive them there or take them home--he just wanted everyone who knows him to think that he was the one responsible for her achievement, and to feel sorry for him that he has to (according to him) do all the work for his lazy, crazy wife.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks everyone. This is still getting me down. He is constantly trying to invade our lives. He is so fake with the kids, it makes me want to scream. Meanwhile I feel myself getting more and more depressed, retreating into myself. At least when I was married I had some hope of escape. Now I'm "free" and I'm still being abused, and I feel more trapped than ever. He is using his access to the kids as a means of controlling me- still. Sometimes I wish we could run away where he could never find us, but I know that is impossible (don't worry i won't do anything crazy). It's just really hard. I raised these kids completely by myself. Ironically it sometimes feels like I had more time with my kids before leaving. I don't know how to turn this around, how to break free and reclaim my life. He won't leave us alone.

[hhaw]

Document his harassment and perhaps you'll have opportunity to hold him accountable and back him off.

Maybe you'll find a job opportunity 8 hours away.

I'm praying you find ways to limit the PD's access/ability to disrupt and sully your life.

Breathe......how old are your children now?

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi HHaw, they are 4 and 6.

Sometimes I wish I had ever left. Life was easier in some ways when I was stil married. Me and the kids went under the radar most of the time. He didn't care. He was too obsessed with himself,  and spent most weekends lazing around or pursuing his hobbies.. We did our own thing. Now he is obsessed with us and won't leave us alone.

[notrightinthehead]

Sit tight. Use all the tools from the Toolbox. Keep on building your own life quietly. Very likely he will find another supply with time and you can fade away. Just don't give him any supply whatsoever. Medium chill and grey rock all the way.