Christmas Holiday With Kids and Ex

Kat54 · December 19, 2022, 08:47:37 PM

My two adult kids asked if we can all spend Christmas together as a family with my ex.

They were supposed to come to me as they have in the past. We have switched off holidays. If they are with him for Thanksgiving they are with me for Christmas. Though my son last night said we didn't make a plan so he didn't know what we were doing. I had called and left a message with daughter last week about a plan for the holiday. The miscommunication is rampant in my family with the kids and my ex. He said to me tonight, "well the kids didn't know what was going on for Christmas"
What did they think was going on?? I live in another state and we switch off holidays. It was their turn to come up to me at my house.
I feel like I got hijacked or something. Why can't I be stronger.

To appease them I'm going to my ex and have Christmas with my kids. I'll always do what they ask with holidays. But not happy about it.

notrightinthehead · December 20, 2022, 04:43:18 AM

I am sorry that you were tricked out of X-mas as you had planned it. I am sorry your husband forces himself into your life and makes you miserable. Just read the Toolbox again and stick to the strategies and try to keep your inner balance.

Kat54 · December 20, 2022, 06:33:58 AM

I will certainly need inner balance. He started saying things about going visiting friends on Xmas day like we used to do. He called it making the rounds. Not doing it. He and my kids can do that, it was like torture.

After he said that I got really sad and worried about getting sucked up in his controlling world.
So before I even get there to his house I'll tell him he can do all the visiting he wants, I'll be working on dinner.

And he invited me for Christmas Eve, not sure I want to go. The whole holiday now has me a bit triggered and I'll suck it up but I'm going to talk to my kids and tell them next holiday, for my own health I can't always be with their father.

verum71 · December 22, 2022, 02:39:10 AM

Kat54 - my kids have always come at me with those kind of issues for the holidays - this whole idea of "no one is really sure what the plans are for the holidays". It's almost like PD's like to weave this web of uncertainty. In my own case - everyone - my BPDx included - knew exactly what was going on for the holidays. Our stipulated order was crafted by my attorney to be airtight - times and dates for all of the holidays - including what to do for even and odd years.

I wouldn't do holiday events with my BPDx - there is no way. I have gone back and forth with the whole "maybe if I try to do things with my BPDx for the sake of the kids, things would be easier for everybody." I just can't do it - too much baggage and trauma over the last 13 years and I can't even be around her toxic behavior, for my own health and well being. My own struggle has been not feeling guilty about setting very firm boundaries.

Sorry that you are having to deal with this - hang in there and stick to your gut when it comes to your own boundaries.

Penny Lane · December 22, 2022, 11:42:09 AM

No advice just commiseration - one of DH's ex's favorite tricks is the ol' "I had no idea what you were planning so I went ahead and did exactly what I wanted!"

Never mind that there are YEARS of precedent and in some cases he explicitly told her. SO frustrating, they both do whatever it is that they want to do (probably to your detriment) AND blame you for it. AND in this case gaslighting the kids into thinking that the obvious answer (what we have done EVERY OTHER YEAR) is not actually the answer.

Kat54 · December 23, 2022, 12:42:53 PM

It's all fine. Spoke with my ex and we'll make it work. I think my kids get a little twisted because my ex, who is always a victim never has real strong holiday plans when he's on his own. He has a very dysfunctional family but he does have family he can be with.

He relies heavily on the two kids. It's pressure for them and my son was the driver of us all being together this year, as it then helps them in dealing with their father. It's my ex's subtle manipulation that he's real good at.

They know I'm fine and stable and can easily figure out holiday plans, be alone or whatever it may be. Plus I have a strong family support with my siblings . He's very needy and it's hard for them.

So I'm bringing dinner and will cook it at his house. My sister is next door so we'll visit with her and her family. As long as my kids are happy then I'm happy. That's what matters.

Kat54 · December 29, 2022, 11:43:10 AM

All turned out OK. Though daughter wasn't too happy. My son ended up having a lot of commitments with his girlfriend and her family and then his GF did not join us for dinner. So it ended up being just the four of us.
Daughter said this is weird and we can't do this again. Though I now understand why son wanted me by them because he had other commitments. It's a fluid thing with divorced families so I just told him we have to communicate a little better. My ex was fine, but I think not ideal for him either.
My sister and her family were next door so we went over for dessert and played games.

Latchkey · December 31, 2022, 01:52:33 PM

So glad to hear it went well and your boundaries were respected and I love that your DD figured out how weird it was on her own. Hoping that this experience is remembered at thanksgiving time next year and that your ex doesn't try to rewrite history and you have an easier time of it all in the new year!

Associate of Daniel · December 31, 2022, 03:13:20 PM

Kat, I'm glad it went well.

I admire you. The thought of being anywhere near my UNPD exH and his UNPD wife send me into a FFF mode. I don't know how you do it.

AOD

PlantFlowersNotWeeds · January 01, 2023, 01:54:31 PM

After these past holidays, I told myself that next year (thanksgiving, xmas eve, xmas) I am going to do what I want to do. I will be extremely flexible for my son (he's 18 now) but I will not let my XuNPD rattle me. He kept changing plans (no surprise) and up to the last second (no surprise) all the big wonderful plans didn't happen (no surprise). I demonstrated for my son how people can be upset but flexible. So, next year I will tell my son I am going to do X, please join me. If you can't, how can we celebrate this holiday together? and that's that.

My son was supposed to be with his father all xmas afternoon - I reframed my attitude about the day and was able to let go of my saddness/loneliness and became excited to spend it by myself, watching TV, relaxing.... My son spent one hour there - so my alone time was cut short and I had no food for us for a nice xmas dinner.

I think since I have been 100% NC and very very good about what I say about his father, my son maybe not quiet as deep into his fog. I think it'll take years, but I do believe he'll have his moment and understand.