After 20 years, back in a dilemma again with uNPDex

[Preamble]

My disabled son chose to live with his uNPD father about 20 years ago, overseas, so he could be with his older sibling.  The sibling left after a few years when they grew up.  I didn't hear much from my younger son and know very little about his life.

Last month my son gave his father my email address    He started writing and saying he wanted to send my son over to live with us for various, probably bogus, reasons.  Hearing this, my now-husband broke down and is now home off work.  He is doing well with counselling but gets upset when we talk about my ex, as do I.

My ex wanted to send my son to us before Christmas but my husband said no and gave another date in the New Year.  My ex was enthusiastic and said he would book the tickets in four days.

That should have happened a  week ago and we are now stuck.    You know how it is.  I know enough not to email my ex or my son and say "hey what is happening?".  You can't push on a rope.  Are there any guidelines on how to decide when and especially how to drop the whole thing?  Husband and I need to consider our own stress levels and welfare, because if we are pushed beyond our limits,  there will be no marriage or home for my son to come to anyway.  How do you "Put on your own oxygen mask first" ?   It's also very stressful for my son, and stress makes him sick.

My son was so happy when I said he could come and live with us, but that was because his father has told him he was going to put him in a group home here, in our country of origin, unless we agreed.  I believe overall my son would rather stay where he is, even though he doesn't get the support and care he needs and is most likely the scapegoat of that family.

I am willing to "let my son go" and allow him to slowly harm himself by his choices,  He is in his 30s now but he can't get himself over here without his father bringing him.  But it's the details of us getting out of a power struggle with the father - at some point there will be a forced email from my son, or a long rambling one from his father, wanting to reopen the idea.  Then rinse and repeat as the passive aggression begins again - for something we didn't even ask for.  I already got govt support contacts to advise on caring for a disabled adult, but we knew enough not to clear out a room for him too early in our very small house.   Taking him on is a huge change in our lives as we approach retirement, and my husband had no idea this could happen.   It's partly coping with my son, but more about us coping with his father as he alternately bullies everyone and evades completely unsolicited promises such as him flying my son back there for holidays.

I wanted to try and restore my son's health and get him more prepared for when no parents are around to help him
 
I hope you understand, thank you for reading.

[Rose1]

This is a tough one. Especially if your current h is stressing about the contact.
I assume there has to be a reason he reacted so strongly to the thought of dealing with your ex.
Can I suggest the following?

Your relationship is with your adult son. Not with your ex.

You can go NC with your ex as once your son is with you, you have no need to keep ex in the loop. You can make it clear to son you will not be communicating with ex because of previous issues and if son wants to communicate, to keep it to himself.

Ex is handing over responsibility and it appears doing it with threats. This is not your problem (although I can understand why it's winding you up). Ex may think this is a way to get supply from you but reading up on gray rock, medium chill etc may be helpful.

Your son is an adult. He has disabilities but he's still an adult. Therefore he should manage what he is capable of doing. Can he manage the trip by himself for example? If not then you ex is supplying an escort service and it's good bye at the gate.

What else he has planned is his problem. Your son doesn't need to be emotionally pulled around when he first arrives by ex making rules and demands.

Try and work out in yourself how you can emotionally detach and not be in instant compliance mode with ex because that's what you are used to.

Can you do something to remove yourselves from ex? Ie he doesn't need to know your address and certainly not be welcome there. He is not your guest. Can you and h take son away for a week of get to know you time while ex is in the country?

A number of things to think about and brainstorm. I would make sure you do not have contact with ex. He doesn't need to tell you how to look after son, your son can help you with that.
Maybe ex thinks they come as a package. The sooner he has had that idea removed the better.

There is no need to reply to exs email. Ask son for arrival details. Let son know you will communicate with him only as you both need to get to know each other.

[Preamble]

Thank you Rose1, you are right I need to remember that my son is an adult.  And I believe you are correct that my ex sees himself and son as a package.  It feels as if he thinks my husband and I are kindly grandparents just waiting to help him (ex) out of a jam as we have nothing else in our lives

[Rose1]

And put him up for the night. There is no reason for you to have anything to do with ex. I wouldn't bother waiting for him to buy tickets and stressing about all his jerking around.

He's probably having some fun with getting supply from you.

I would contact your son, let him know you're happy to hear from him and to let you know his arrival date.

If he should come I would focus on your current family and not get involved in any discussions about trips, visits etc with ex at all. After 20 years of him not in your life you don't need it.

My ex was all about winding up, demanding rights, but not taking responsibility. He was an absent parent who used to back out of arrangements at the last minute, sometimes even sending that message with someone else. I used to get very wound up, run around trying to manage my busy life around him. It got too much.

He used to pick up and drop off late, sometimes as much as 1 hr and his mother was fully on board. No problem making me wait and messing up the "fun" I was having on the rare occasion I didn't have the kids.

So I told him we would wait 15 minutes and then we had other plans. This happened twice. Once I was out when he dropped them off and he had to take care of them and feed them. The second time we were leaving just as he pulled up.

It was pretty stressful to let go of the "I need to jump" feelings but he never did it again. And I realised I got a huge relief not dancing to his tune.

He complained of course that I wasn't doing my share etc but I told him, if he has the kids once every 6 months he gets to do all the pickup and delivery. I suspect he whined to some of his friends and they said that was reasonable because that stopped too.

He was never happy with any of it. He was also not happy with the end result of no relationship with either of his kids. But you reap what you sow.

It took me far too long to realise what was happening because it was 4 or 5 years after he left that I found out about personality disorders and that he had been diagnosed with bpd. I found this board's predecessor and the light bulbs came on. It still took a lot of effort to get out of the habit of jumping when he said he wanted something. Mostly I think because of being conditioned by his rage, real or artificial, that he used to get his own way.

You have to sit with uncomfortable feelings of impending doom sometimes but it gets better fairly quickly once your brain realises it didn't happen.

[Preamble]

Thanks Rose1 that's interesting, it sounds like my ex is more malevolent than that, as under those kind of conditions he was happy to allow the kids to get hungry, injured, frightened or otherwise distressed, so there was less I could do to defend myself, an adult. 

[Rose1]

Every circumstance is different which is why we need to each work within our own gut feel and experience.

If your ex was malevolent, is there anything to suggest he has changed? Or to let him into your lives? Sounds scary

[Preamble]

Thank you for saying that rose1,  no he does not seem to have changed, and yes we are "cautiously pessimistic".   He is the most destructive person I have ever known in person. Thank you for the reminder.