How to Go No Contact

[WhiteWolf]

How do I do no contact when I have children with him? Like, the specific steps. Should I file a motion in court? Do I just send him an email one day saying, I'm not going to talk anymore except on a parenting app about the kids? How do I deal with the fear of wondering what he's out there plotting? What about when he has parenting time and we do child exchanges?

Obviously I see it's my only option but want to go about it the right way. He has been relentless since the divorce filing in hoovering alternating with crazy behavior and thinks we're getting back together. I'm afraid going no contact will make him ask for overnights which he doesn't have right now. 

[Breadroll]

Hi white wolf -

Others here have given great advice in the threads-

Now am no contact with xnpdh - but initially had thought it would be possible to have cooperative parenting ( I was still deep in fog).  My ex swung from silent treatment to manipulations, to wild implications, threats, and victim mode.  Awful with kids involved.

There are some great suggestions in this forum- such as «  biff » which is brief, informative , firm and friendly- which can help on the way to the bliss of no contact .
Backing away carefully, slowly becoming greyer was my approach.

Is it possible to get lawyer to say let's communicate on the parenting app make sure we don't miss kids important dates-  positive tone.  ( wish I had this)

I understand what you mean about the fear of what he is plotting - my nerves were raw over this- it gets better over time, and if they feel they are getting a response before they hook onto other sources, that can be good-  writing down the worst , and what actions you would take - can help calm nerves in some way- getting it out on paper.

Mine still appears from time to time- and I won't pretend it's easy to hold onto peace- but mostly all is calm now, priceless. I still have remnant fear, but zero guilt or obligation.

I had to let go of any expectations of decency, and once accepted this, it became  emotionally easier. Eg - he will always behave poorly- any «  normal » interactions are suddenly a bonus.   

I stopped reacting to anything - accusations, money manipulation, kids clothing,  lost stuff, not returning kids on agreed day— every unnecessary awful thing.

Hope this helps a bit

[Associate of Daniel]

Hi, WhiteWolf.

I'm not up to date with your situation so take or leave what follows...

If you don't already have a parenting plan or court orders in place, I suggest you try to organise either asap.  Within such a document a clause can be included that says that all communication between the parents is to be done via a specific method.

Some people say email only.  Some people say a parenting app.  Others use a google calendar app.

I strongly advise that you try to cease in person communications asap. (phone, face to face)  You could email your ex and say that you will only communicate by such and such means from now on.  He will probably arc up though.  You'll need to assess how badly he will react.  Will he become violent?  Safety first.

Regardless of the communication means, I wouldn't bother asking him to be nice or to stop insulting you etc.  It will just be more fuel for his fire. 

The best way I've found is to simply not respond/react to or acknowledge my uNPD exH's accusations, insults etc.  I just try to stick to the issue at hand.  It can sometimes be difficult to find the actual issue amongst all the word salad.  However, since most of the "day to day" issues are simply about pickups and drop-offs, it becomes easier over time.

The more difficult issues are those regarding big decisions like which school the children will attend, or medical appointments.

My uNPD exH's emails are often screen pages long, full of word salad, accusations, demands irrelevant rewriting of history etc.  and my return emails are usually a sentence or two.  It's amusing, really. I use the B.I.F.F. method as much as possible.  And I always try not to J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)   

While I think of it, and slightly off topic, I suggest you set a curfew, even if it's just for yourself.  I requested early on that we not send emails to each other between 9pm and 9am each day.  Surprisingly, uNPD exH agreed.  For the most part he stuck to the curfew, but there were a number of occasions where he furiously stated that "the curfew is suspended".  I just stuck to it at my end.  Now that ds is 16 we don't have as much need to communicate so uNPD exH usually ignores the curfew. But I'm now at the point that I don't read his emails if they come in during the excluded time, instead waiting until the following morning etc..... The curfew has done wonders for my mental health.

If your children are school age, arrange for the school to send duplicate documents to each of you separately.  Go to parent teacher interviews separately.  The schools have seen it all restraining orders included. And technology these days makes seperate communication very easy.

Medical appointments - arrange for the doctors to sent seperate reports to your ex of the results of each appointment.

What Breadroll said about the expectation of decency.  Expect the worst, hope for the best. As my lawyer said a few times, the court can order someone to put their child in such and such school, and not to remove them from the country.  But the court can't make someone behave.

Regarding worrying about what he's plotting - I'm not sure of your situation. Do you think your ex is possibly plotting something dangerous? Or something manipulative? Or trying to turn the children against you?

I know it's a frustrating comment but, try not to worry about things you can't control.  Prepare by working on your ability to remain calm in all circumstances.  And in the meantime, as Breadroll suggested, plan responses to what you think he might do.  My uNPD exH often surprises me with thinks I hadn't thought of though.  Which I shouldn't be surprised at since I don't have the mind of a pd!

I try to always check with other sources for the truth of anything my uNPD exH says.  Eg:  he might tell me that ds has been invited to Little Jenny's  birthday party on my time so I should let ds stay overnight at his place to make it easier to get to the party.  I'd check with Little Jenny's parents to see if there really is a party going on.

I can't think of anything else really but if something comes to mind, I'll return.

But I strongly advise you get a legal documented parenting arrangement in place asap.  It will need to be modified as the children grow older but it does cut out a lot of the need to communicate with your ex.

AOD
I can't think of much else

[Srcyu]

Such kind and helpful comments here.
My own small contribution is that you will probably need to 'train' him to use a parenting app. Once it's in place, stop responding to him by any other means. Emails from him can be read but only acknowledged  by you via the app.
Associate of Daniel's curfew suggestion is a simple but brilliant way of taking back some control of your world.