Please send strength and suggestions

[Associate of Daniel]

There's an information night at ds16's school in 2 nights' time.  I'm nervous.

Ds says he's not going.  To be fair, he and his fellow students probably have already been informed over and over by the school of all the information they need.  This night is really for the parents.

But I think his real reason is that he doesn't want to be around the vibe of his parents and smother.  (His father and smother are uNPD).

Anyway, like with the PT interviews last year, I'm being hyper vigilant and am worried about how I'll go in their presence.  Especially the uNPD smother.

Planning my arrival and leave times, where to park (their apartment is right opposite the school), which doors to enter/exit, what to say if I encounter them, how to ask for male assistance if smother threatens to walk me to my car again, scripts for unwanted conversations.  Etc.

So, please send strength, prayers, scripts etc..   And maybe a few deep breaths...

Thanks.

AOD

[SonofThunder]

Thoughts and prayers coming for you and Ds, AOD!  You got this!  👊🏼

SoT

[moglow]

I can only assume how annoying and frustrating it has to be, like that gnat that buzzes around on the edge of your consciousness and just will.not.go.away. So let's pretend she's a gnat - not needing your actual attention or focus, you're merely inhabiting the same space for a short time and she's insistent on being there. And how do we treat a gnat? We wave it off. We shrug it off. We move to other spaces. We refocus to other, more important things. When our inner time is up, we leave altogether.

Given this is a human, it's more difficult but maybe you can practice more BIFF [brief, informative, friendly, firm] responses, when they're required at all. Basically be pleasant as you would with any random acquaintance and continue on as you were - she's not your chosen friend and won't be, and it's not up to you to explain that to her. With most people butting in, puzzled looks and continuing on with existing conversation makes it clear. A well placed "excuse me, I really want to talk with xyz right now." Then firm pointed look while you wait for her to exit. She doesn't leave? Apologize to your friend and tell them you'll call them soon, and walk away. Don't invite smother to join you and don't engage in her conversation. You're not there for her, not her entertainment source. Be pleasant and be gone.

Depersonalize it, basically, as much as you possibly can. Her and her needs to be involved and her stuff aren't yours. Any discussion your DS wants to have with you, he will. When he wishes to discuss with dad, he will. If he chooses otherwise, that's his decision. I know I make this sound all easy, but it's not, I know. Somehow we have to get her out of your head - she's renting space and doesn't belong there!

[hhaw]

I wish you could just ignore them and not be upset by their behavior.

Easier said than done, I know, but what an amazing thing if you cultivate enough emotional distance to not be bugged, even a little.

In the meantime, always be on your way somewhere else and no, it's not ok if smother tags along. Polite and leaving.

Being taken hostage in unwanted conversation isn't something you're required to allow.

I'd be tempted to wear a hat and keep my head down, so the PDs didn't recognize me.

E&E....
escape and evade, AOD!

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, folks.

The uNPD smother (and even the uNPD exH) are rarely in my head and I rarely get anxious about seeing them.

I think this particular time is worrying me because of the trauma response I had last time, at the end of last year.  And they didn't even turn up on that occasion.  It was just the worry that they WOULD turn up.  This time, they are very unlikely to NOT  be there.

(Note:  I don't like to use the word "trauma" as others have experienced far, far, far worse.  But my response to the possibility of them turning up last time could be considered a "trauma response".)

It stems from an occasion about 3 and a half years ago.  Same venue, same type of occasion.  The uNPD smother bailed me up, insisted on walking me to my car, all the while berating me, not letting me answer her questions etc.  I was ok on that occasion.  I felt fine, but I did end up researching intervention orders and local police phone numbers.

The trauma response to that drama only came at the end of last year and it completely took me by surprise.  I didn't realise I was so "traumatised" from the time before.

And here we go again tomorrow night.

I don't want to wish my beautiful Ds's life away, but I can't wait until he finishes school and I don't have to keep dealing with these occasions.  It's so frustrating and painful.  These occasions are meant to be joyful (if challenging) parenting occasions.  Unfortunately they are tainted by the uNPD smother and uNPD father.

AOD

[Jolie40]

I'm surprised your Ds isn't going to the meeting! Our school just had 2 info nights. DH & teen went to both together. Husband said the info was a lot so it was good teen went, also. I've been going through the book they got for scheduling classes & the book is pretty complicated! There's another meeting this week to schedule so I need to make sure the classes are okay with teen. They need so many electives for graduation but many are only for jrs & seniors. My head is exploding, lol.

If I were you, I'd try to get Ds to go to meeting.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, all.

I survived.  I wasn't nearly as stressed as I was last time.

I arrived about 10 minutes late I think - I'd forgotten how bad the traffic is at that time of day. lol.  And I left immediately once it was finished.  I'd like to have stayed longer to hear any further questions as people mingled.  But I didn't want to chance running into uNPD exH.

Ironically, I realised that even if he was there, I'd have trouble recognising him.  I haven't seen him for so long.  I THINK I saw him across the room but I can't be sure.

I know I'd recognise his uNPD wife.  I can usually feel her presence before seeing her.  She wasn't there, strangely.  At one point I heard someone approaching slowly from behind, wearing, from the sound of it, stiletto heels.   I tensed up but quickly realised it wouldn't be her as she would just stride confidently in to make everyone aware she was there, even though she was even later than me.

Ds wasn't there, and nor were any other students. It was really just an info night for parents.

So, one down.  I'm not sure how many more to go.  I don't want to think about it.  Parent/Teacher interviews next.  Last time uNPD exH refused to let ds attend any with me.  Hopefully this time ds will stand up to his dad and just come of his own volition.

Thanks again for your support.

AOD

[SonofThunder]

Thanks, all.

I survived.  I wasn't nearly as stressed as I was last time.

I arrived about 10 minutes late I think - I'd forgotten how bad the traffic is at that time of day. lol.  And I left immediately once it was finished.  I'd like to have stayed longer to hear any further questions as people mingled.  But I didn't want to chance running into uNPD exH.

Ironically, I realised that even if he was there, I'd have trouble recognising him.  I haven't seen him for so long.  I THINK I saw him across the room but I can't be sure.

I know I'd recognise his uNPD wife.  I can usually feel her presence before seeing her.  She wasn't there, strangely.  At one point I heard someone approaching slowly from behind, wearing, from the sound of it, stiletto heels.   I tensed up but quickly realised it wouldn't be her as she would just stride confidently in to make everyone aware she was there, even though she was even later than me.

Ds wasn't there, and nor were any other students. It was really just an info night for parents.

So, one down.  I'm not sure how many more to go.  I don't want to think about it.  Parent/Teacher interviews next.  Last time uNPD exH refused to let ds attend any with me.  Hopefully this time ds will stand up to his dad and just come of his own volition.

Thanks again for your support.

AOD

A wonderful update AOD!   Glad you stayed clear of both!  In my own life, I enjoy running practice mental scenarios, as I enjoy turning unknowns to knowns, which brings comfort and also aids me in future events.  I personally believe that doing this practice, is similar to how sports teams watch video's post game. Running mock scenarios is also how the police, fire and military practice. Doing this mental practice also allows for pressing the 'start over' button, as you rewind and go through a possible realistic scenario in your mind multiple times until you determine your best mode of action/reaction.

For example, since you tensed up, that particular scene may be one to run a mock mental script, holding the toolbox close as your playbook to guide you into, during and out of the scene in low-drama, short-time, fully NC, no-JADE, boundary-guided yet strong self protection. 

Possibly envision that the stiletto-heeled woman was indeed the uNPDw. You have had past confrontation by her, so possibly pretend that she approached you from behind, and caught you off guard in her high heels at a public event, doing the same thing in creative, baited, PD behavior. What would be your best toolbox scenario, but not allow her to deviate your plans?  Is there a better place to sit/stand next time, to aid you through the event and reduce chances of PD confrontation?  Other ideas?

I have fully experienced these replayed scenes with both my PD's, and was able to follow my practice, because PD's are so predictable.  I want to encourage you also, to carry a small, easily accessible fidget device in a jacket, pants pocket or purse.  When you practice the scenes at home with the toolbox, always have the fidget device (can be anything small like coin, unused key, smooth stone, etc) actively moving in your hand of choice.  When you attend the next meeting, have the fidget device at the ready and if approached, discreetly and quickly move the same device into the same hand, and play with it. It may assist in keeping your mind focused on the toolbox practice and following your mock scenarios to calmly get you through.  Practice and real experience turns unknowns to knowns. Like the military and police/fire, you may also afterward say proudly to yourself;  "i was just doing my job. I practice for this all the time." 

Wishing you calm, confident, toolbox-ready living around PD's.

SoT