Is this my circus ?

[zak]

I posted about my 87 year old uNPDM earlier this year. I am NC almost 4 years now and have zero regrets. She has advancing dementia, lives alone, refuses help, won't see a doctor, has no family nearby, but still asserting "I'm fine, I don't need help'  !! My brother who I'm close to starts getting calls from a Social Worker last Christmas 'Your M must have some help, home is unsafe, unsanitary, smells bad from her cats, she's not coping...' I refuse to break NC but will support B to start process to hopefully get her her into care. First hurdle; she has no Power of Attorney ; has always refused to have one.

Six months have now gone by with me begging doctor to do a home visit (she won't go), begging Social Worker for reports; preparing submissions for an application to government authorities to make a Guardianship Order enabling B to effect some real help such as proper medical assessments and application to care homes.

Hallelujah ! we finally get a court date. Day comes, M refuses to go; B says no problems, court will call you during the hearing, he checks her phone, tells her to expect the call...he leaves and she immediately turns her phone off in order to thwart the process. Court decides to postpone 2 weeks and do a hearing via phone link; B is to be with M and they will call on his number. OK good to go; so you'd think.

Phone court day arrives this past week. B arrives at her place to find uNPD brother who he hasn't seen for 20 years has been summoned by M and is sitting there holding her hand. Unbelievable ! Hearing starts and uNPDB pipes up that he thinks he should be appointed 'joint guardian'. Court asks B how he feels about being in a 'joint' arrangement. B truthfully says, there is a history of major conflict in the family and with uNPDB and he feels any joint arrangement would likely not succeed or be very problematic  and for that reason he won't agree to a joint arrangement.

Court then has to decide between two brothers. One has been actively involved for six months and is the applicant; while the other has blown in at the last minute. They decide to ask uNPDM who she wants !!! Aaargh are you kidding ! uNPDB is her doppelgänger personality wise, plus he's a soft option, unlike smart, caring sensible B who's acting in her best interests; so of course she chooses uNPDB.

All of our work hijacked in a minute. He'll be hopeless of course but now there is a legal court order in place, B has to step out. What a shambles ! I'm still NC so should be less affected but I'm absolutely boiling mad . Six months of B and I working as a team steadily to get to this point and the lifelong pattern of uNPDB and M turning order into chaos asserts itself yet again!

This only happened yesterday so I'm struggling a bit to diffuse the emotions; who am I kidding, I'm well and truly furious... Really, how do you let it go ? Advice anyone 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh my gosh. Well your mother just cut off her nose to spite her face.

No wonder you are angry. You've spent six month working for your abuser's benefit out of the goodness of your heart. And then this happened. It's okay to let the emotions be for a time. What an ordeal for you, I'm really really sorry. You've been through an awful time and you came out with your boundaries and your kindness intact. Actually I'm really proud of you after reading this!

But this is definitely not your circus. You've been effectively cut out even if you were willing to help, yes? Your NM and NBro, those clever monkeys, deserve each other, from where I'm sitting. It will be a disaster but it's NBro's problem now. Take your freedom, you've earned it!

[GentleSoul]

Oh goodness, sorry to hear this.  How frustrating.

My feeling is definitely step away and let them get on with it. 

[looloo]

Whole hearted, just WOW.  I really feel for you, this is truly an infuriating development.  You have every reason and right to be beyond angry and frustrated.

I hope that it won't be long before you can take this as your opportunity to be free from ALL of the b.s.  All Of It!!  It's a fact of life that not everyone can be helped, and with elderly PDs, it is damn near impossible. You and your brother did everything you could, and your mother and PD brother blew it up. 

There is really nothing more you can do now, except put this mess in your rear view mirror.  If it were me, I would tell the "good" brother not to mention anything more about your mother and other brother.  Maybe I'd want to know about her eventual passing, but maybe not even that...

[Psuedonym]

hey whole hearted,

I think after you get over being justifiably pissed off, you'll see that you have dodged a major bullet here. You had social workers on your case giving you a guilt trip, you did everything in your earthly power to help, and your mother made this decision on her own, at the invitation of the court. So all that noise is now officially, legally, not your circus, nor your monkeys. If the social worker calls you back, you can give them your Bs number and be done with it.  Happy early independence day!

[lkdrymom]

You have been given a gift.  You are officially 'not responsible'.   Move on and don't look back.

[WomanInterrupted]

I understand why you're upset - you and your brother made *sound* plans, so you brother would be able to properly care for your mom, and unBPD brother swoops in to  be the "savior."   

But, this really IS a gift!  You *both* dodged a bullet and are officially *off the hook* for anything, when it comes to your mom.   

If anybody calls your brother or you, you can refer them to your unBPD brother and *stay out of it completely.*   

I think you already know what happens next:  your unBPD brother will probably become bored and lose interest - or he may get super-frustrated with your mom and start trying to involve you and your brother - *do not take the bait!*  HE wanted to be her guardian - he gets to deal with all the bullshit that comes with it!   

The first thing I'd do is block your unBPD brother's number, so he doesn't get the bright idea to call you and try to rope you into a *circus that is NOT your responsibility.*

I think he'll reach out to you first, because of your gender, 'cuz, y'know, all us females are meant to be caregivers.     

If you're NC with your mom, it's best to be NC with her guardian, too.   

Your unBPD brother obviously hasn't heard the phrase, "Be very careful what you wish for - you just might get it."   

I think the only thing you can do, from this point forward, is just be there for your caring brother (who wanted guardianship and was thwarted) when this invariably winds up being dumped in his lap.

[DaisyGirl77]

My uNPD Dad's brother (I refuse to call him "uncle") is a fair weather kinda guy.  He's a major flake.  Disappears for months/years on end before reappearing like it'd been only a week between stretches.  When uNPD/BPD Dad's mom started framing me for her abuse toward me, spinning tall tales & DARVOing to whoever would listen, he appeared to "protect" his mother & began destroying things (or trying) while I was there at the end.  (He tried to hack into my laptop & my loaner computer when I was gone--he couldn't bypass my password protected screen.  He, in cahoots with his mother, turned off her phone so I couldn't call out or receive calls.  He tried to "break" said computers so I couldn't use the internet.  So on & so forth.  Everything his mother couldn't do, he did...or tried.)  About a year or two after I escaped, he resurfaced again when his brother said their mom needed more help.  When it came time to pick up his share of the load, he vanished.  Again.  Leaving his brother to do all the legal work to transfer her to Medicaid insurance.  Once all that was settled, he reappeared again to help her move to an ASLF, & visits every so often.

My dad is SG.  His brother is GC.

I share this part of my story/background because your uBPD brother will be doing this same disappearing act as soon as the going gets tough.  Don't cover for him.  He agreed to be his mother's guardian, so dump all the work onto him.  Block his number.  Block all avenues of contact to you.  He has no one's best interest at heart except his own.

[Lilyloo]

I feel for you and can relate.I totally understand your anger!!   My BP middle brother was choosen by mother to be her POA. He's her GC! He acts like he's the king. He told me I could not talk to her doctor. Big boss man!!   I was angry at first, there were four of us. My oldest brother died shortly after.  Now I am happy. I say goody for him, he can deal with her s*** I'm free, you are too, but I truly understand where you are coming from. It's frustrating for you!

[Kiki81]

Time to drop the role and invest that time, energy and cost into YOUR life.

[zak]

As ever you are all lifesavers and I thank each of you for taking the time to read my post and give me your insights and support. It helps so much. I'm not terribly prolific here but boy am I grateful