So my grandma’s dead after all. Cue funeral hoover.

Call Me Cordelia · July 20, 2019, 11:02:37 AM

Guess I was on to something when I posted recently about wondering whether she was dead yet. UNBIL reached out to DH and told him she died last night, funeral arrangements TBD.

And I do feel pretty indifferent to her actual passing. But pretty steamed about being told, through BIL, through DH, because it certainly wasn't out of concern for me.

I've blocked BIL and siblings on all channels. Never officially went NC but they aren't stupid. DH is essentially NC but can't fully pull the plug, but got all nervous and "couldn't remember" if I wanted to be told these things or not, that BIL reached out.

I said, what, Grandma's dead? Well what am I supposed to do about that? How did I know?

Well what else could it be. I've resolutely ignored every other family milestone and event that came my way, even for people who are not really the "enemy," because it just wasn't safe for me. You saw it all happen. And yet you wrestled all night with telling me this one.

I feel pretty disgusted and just contemptuous of all involved. Like hell I would be interested in any funeral plans. As if I would break NC for a dead woman who ignored me my entire life because I'm a girl and didn't eat enough stale cake to please her. Like hell you "couldn't remember" I want nothing to do with anything relative to my FOO.

DH has a hard time accepting that. If I mean it for my FOO, I might mean it with his as well. Well that's not my problem. NC means NC. They've scorched the earth trying to get me back already, it's long past time to walk away.

Call Me Cordelia · July 20, 2019, 11:09:36 AM

https://images.app.goo.gl/RsxWuNrf8qX7rVqL9

Call Me Cordelia · July 20, 2019, 01:42:24 PM

Hah now the flying monkeys I haven't seen or spoken to in like seven years are popping up. Attempting to guilt trip me into going to this funeral. Well, what a fitting send-off for my grandmother, always desperate to get more and more attention and trying more and more pathetic methods of getting it. You will forever be disappointed in me, as I was in you.

Call Me Cordelia · July 20, 2019, 07:17:12 PM

Took a bath and cried. My previous messages seem all over the place with anger at just about everybody. There's nothing I can do. There is only one Savior and it's not me. My grandmother had a very sad life. I don't think she ever knew love. No wonder she didn't have any to give me. I hope God in His mercy has finally been able to give her some peace.

Andeza · July 20, 2019, 08:09:12 PM

Thinking about you and sending a

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. You have a different kind of grief to feel than most, and I hope you'll take time to care for yourself and do some things that bring you happiness and peace.

I know you know this, but nobody has the right to bully/guilt/force you to attend a wake/funeral/memorial service where you would desperately rather not be.

SunnyMeadow · July 21, 2019, 09:49:29 AM

I understand your anger (I like the gif!) and your sadness. Feel what you feel, don't suppress it. Thankfully you have clarity about your grandma's actions. It's her and not you. She treated everyone badly in different ways not just you.

It is sad that PD people will never know real happiness and contentment. Their lives are filled with drama and chaos. For years I've been telling my PDm to do what makes you happy. I've come to realize tearing people down, stirring up wars over perceived slights and living in drama is what makes her happy. Very sad but that's what she chooses.

caramelia · July 22, 2019, 10:15:30 AM

I'm so sorry, Cordelia. My emotions would be all over the place as well.

Call Me Cordelia · July 22, 2019, 02:52:22 PM

Thanks, everyone. I feel absolutely no doubt about skipping the funeral. It would be an absolute shit show after 2 years or more of NC with absolutely everyone there.

But yeah, the other emotions are all over the place. I've written like 15 pages in my journal of all over the place stuff. Went to confession and the priest told me I did nothing wrong whatsoever in this situation (I was worried about failing to forgive. Catholic guilt.) I confessed an unrelated sin for absolution and my penance was one Our Father for the soul of my grandmother and to offer all my worries and fears about this whole situation over to God. Because none of this stuff is mine to carry.

doglady · July 23, 2019, 04:55:09 AM

Good for you Cordelia for standing strong. The whole funeral hoovering scenario really does suck, doesn't it? Not going to your grandmother's funeral sounds like a very sensible decision and definitely best for your own peace of mind in not having to face your FOO. Just because someone dies, doesn't mean we have to go and hear them lauded. Best wishes.