Funeral :(

[blues_cruise]

My aunt died and there's a funeral next week. We weren't close and only saw each other at special occasions but I feel like I should go to this. She was on my mother's side of the family which largely contains good people.

It's a week away and I'm already extremely nervous and worrying about being in such close proximity to uNF. I've been working through a lot of the childhood trauma I experienced with him and have had no contact with him whatsoever for nearly 2 and a half years. It's been wonderful frankly and the most positive thing I've ever done for myself. I have no intention of talking to him at this funeral and really want to stay under the radar as much as possible. I'm thinking of turning up just before the ceremony begins then leaving as soon as it ends and not going to the wake afterwards.

To my horror I'm even trying to find a dress that will cover my body as much as possible, because I don't want him looking at me. This is definitely triggering the complex PTSD.  I think as long as I can stay away from him and avoid hearing his voice I might cope OK. For me I feel this isn't just avoiding the awkwardness, it's coping with the residual fear of being around a parent who I think abused me. Mentally it just feels so tough, like entering a nest of vipers.

Anyone else relate? How did you cope? I'm constantly telling myself that this isn't about me, it's about honouring my aunt. I feel bad that I'm worrying about myself when this is supposed to be about her.

[SerenityCat]

I think in this situation I would not attend the funeral. I would do something else to remember my aunt. Maybe go out for a nice meal and raise a glass in toast to her. Light a candle on a table at home, add flowers in a vase and a photo or some other reminder of her. Maybe I would donate a little money to a good cause in her name.

This is just my opinion, but honestly, I think funerals are about us. They are for those still alive. Those of us living do have the right to choose to attend or not.

I believe that good people want their survivors to live well.

[caramelia]

I think in this situation I would not attend the funeral. I would do something else to remember my aunt. Maybe go out for a nice meal and raise a glass in toast to her. Light a candle on a table at home, add flowers in a vase and a photo or some other reminder of her. Maybe I would donate a little money to a good cause in her name.

This is just my opinion, but honestly, I think funerals are about us. They are for those still alive. Those of us living do have the right to choose to attend or not.

I believe that good people want their survivors to live well.

This is brilliant advice and I am going to remember this!

But you have to do what you're comfortable with. What's the lesser of the two evils - attending or not attending?

[bloomie]

I believe that good people want their survivors to live well.

So. Well. Said.

Whatever you decide to do blues_cruise, we honor others whom we love who have gone before us by living healthy and whole lives. I agree with Serenity Cat that memorial services and wakes are for those left behind and there are many ways to honor her that do not involve you being in close proximity to your father.

That said, if you do decide to go I think your plan to arrive right before the service and leave as soon as it is over is a good one.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I agree. Why do you believe you have to go? It sounds like it would be traumatizing, and already is just anticipating seeing your NF.

Check out the 51% rule... you get to care about yourself just a tiny bit more than everyone else. You are certainly more responsible to yourself than to your aunt's memory or any of your other family members, good people or not.

Your post hits close to home for me, since I'm completely ignoring (as far as any FOO people are concerned) my grandmother's death this week. So I am biased. I'm sorry you're going through this, it is hard stuff. And not fair at all.

[doglady]

Hey Blues Cruise, I feel for you in this situation. If you really feel like you must go, (although I don't think you need to feel like you 'should' - as you say, you weren't close) then maybe take a 'buffer' person with you? Like a good friend who totally gets your situation and can kind of head any toxic people off at the pass. You could also just come in and sit at the back of the church near the start of the ceremony and leave straightaway afterwards. Wearing sunglasses always helps too.
I do like Serenity Cat's idea of not going at all and just remembering your aunt in your own way, as it sounds like it will be horribly triggering for you to have to see your father there. Please do what's right for you. If you are close to your mother's side, you could talk or write to some of those good people after the funeral instead of going. Or just send flowers to the family with a card saying you can't be there. Or you could be unwell - let's face it, the thought of seeing your father is making you feel very unwell and that's worth paying attention to. Anyway, you don't have to go and you certainly don't owe anyone any explanations as to why you don't attend. I think you have options rather than feeling like you 'should' have to go. Do what's right for you. Best of luck whatever you decide.

[blues_cruise]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, I've been getting so upset over what to do so seeing such kind support really helps.

I think I feel guilt because I didn't see my aunt before she passed, however we hardly ever saw each other and just sent a card each Christmas so it would have felt odd just turning up randomly after 2 or so years. I'm possibly placing too much responsibility upon myself here as they rarely made an attempt to see me casually either (me again listening to the inner critic telling me that everything's my fault). All this is hard because obviously I'm sad about her death and feel so sorry for my uncle and my cousins, but also I'd never imagined when considering no contact with NF that this scenario would ever arise and wasn't at all prepared for the repercussions of a funeral of anyone's but his (him getting on in age and living an extremely unhealthy lifestyle). I think I'm assuming I need to go to this funeral because it's the "right thing to do" and I also hate the idea of getting judged for not going. Damned if I do and damned if I don't really: if I go then my anxiety will be through the roof and no doubt my IBS will flare up with the stress (as it does with NF encounters), if I don't go then certain family members will consider me rude, selfish and lacking in empathy. Not sure why I continue to care what they think, it's a hard habit to break. 

I think in this situation I would not attend the funeral. I would do something else to remember my aunt. Maybe go out for a nice meal and raise a glass in toast to her. Light a candle on a table at home, add flowers in a vase and a photo or some other reminder of her. Maybe I would donate a little money to a good cause in her name.

This is just my opinion, but honestly, I think funerals are about us. They are for those still alive. Those of us living do have the right to choose to attend or not.

I believe that good people want their survivors to live well.

Thank you so much for that, SerenityCat. I'm not sure what my aunt thought about me personally but I think she had NF fairly sussed out and she knew that he had mistreated my mother when she was alive. I'll never know if she would have understood my situation, but it's comforting that she wasn't fooled by him. There are opportunities online to donate in her memory so I'm at least going to do that.

Call Me Cordelia, thanks for reminding me of the 51% rule. I always forget to apply it to myself.  I'm sorry that you're too dealing with a death in the family, it really does throw up so many emotions and is so difficult.

Hey Blues Cruise, I feel for you in this situation. If you really feel like you must go, (although I don't think you need to feel like you 'should' - as you say, you weren't close) then maybe take a 'buffer' person with you? Like a good friend who totally gets your situation and can kind of head any toxic people off at the pass. You could also just come in and sit at the back of the church near the start of the ceremony and leave straightaway afterwards. Wearing sunglasses always helps too.
I do like Serenity Cat's idea of not going at all and just remembering your aunt in your own way, as it sounds like it will be horribly triggering for you to have to see your father there. Please do what's right for you. If you are close to your mother's side, you could talk or write to some of those good people after the funeral instead of going. Or just send flowers to the family with a card saying you can't be there. Or you could be unwell - let's face it, the thought of seeing your father is making you feel very unwell and that's worth paying attention to. Anyway, you don't have to go and you certainly don't owe anyone any explanations as to why you don't attend. I think you have options rather than feeling like you 'should' have to go. Do what's right for you. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Thanks doglady, all helpful ideas.  Another thing that makes me question whether I should pass on this funeral is that NF is volatile but very covert about it. After more than two years he finally appears to have stopped trying to bully and guilt me into communicating with him. I wonder if both a funeral and catching sight of me would stir up too much emotion and he would start to try again. I had no anniversary card from him this month for the first time and he dumped a load of my old things on my doorstep two or three months ago which gave the message that he was giving up, so I've been hoping that he's finally decided to stop and give me space. I'm trying to consider it from a narcissistic/psychopathic perspective: "Ah, so a funeral could bring her back..." I really don't want to encourage all that. If I were strong enough mentally and had enough physical distance from him then perhaps I would feel differently, but currently I am still feeling fragile and trying to heal.

Grr, so hard. 

[moglow]

Blues, I'm sorry for your loss and for the added complications with your father.

My niece and nephew are going through similar with their mother this week - her father passed and she's making their lives a hell. She doesn't cope well on the best of days, and like my own mother, funerals are a prime stage to perform for her. They're just determined to get through it with as little interaction as possible.

What I try to remember is that most of us do our best with what we have at any point in time. Our PD parents have less than normal, but that doesnt mean we can't avoid the source. I like the idea of going to the service and ducking out after, maybe not even sitting up front with your family. Stop and offer condolences to cousins (if any) and call it a day. It was alwats easier/less painful for me to just stay out of mother's line of fire. They can all think or say what they want - you do what's best for you.

[blues_cruise]

Thanks moglow. I do feel for your niece and nephew, the less interaction they have the better.

It's hard to know what's best for me. The flight urge of my fight or flight reaction is strong and in an ideal world I wouldn't give in to that, however completely overwhelming myself and fighting off panic attacks is not helpful either. I can't give my best in that state and don't come across well. I'm very conscious of that fact that quickly ducking out afterwards may come across as rude but the longer I stay the greater the risk of confrontation. NF won't get angry, he'll play the confused, old, waify man act and I don't know how I would cope with that.

I like what you say about doing our best with what we have. I think my options are either attend and hope that it's not too uncomfortable (which will make me feel anxious but show respect and effort), or quietly honour my auntie alone but make a point of explaining the situation to my uncle and apologising (which will protect my state of mind but will make me feel guilty).

[moglow]

What's important here is that you honor her and your uncle in the best way you are able - in *your* way, not someone else's. You're not responsible for what they think or say. You could always honor her on your own and make a pointed effort to see or talk with your uncle later. Right now they're all overwhelmed, he might really appreciate a visit once things calm down a little and everyone goes home.

If you decide to not go, honestly, sometimes the less said the better. You simply werent able to go, no further details needed. I wouldnt try and explain the dad stuff. Chances are they know more than you realize and I wouldnt want to go into it. Uncle has other things on his mind right now.

[blues_cruise]

Yeah that's true, if I don't go then a visit at some point afterwards might be nice. Also yes, my uncle will be devastated right now and this is very much my stuff to deal with, particularly since we're not close. I think you're completely right about withholding any detail.

Anyway, I'm going to play it by ear for a bit until next week and see how I feel nearer the time. Between a heatwave and thunderstorms upsetting my little dog during the night I've had very little sleep. I'll see what fresh perspective a more awake brain might bring. 

Thanks moglow, it helps to talk these things out!

[moglow]

It always helps me too, even when there's no real answer. Rest will help too - when I'm tired I spin things harder than necessary.

[blues_cruise]

Just thought I'd update in case it helps anyone else in future who finds themselves in a similar situation (I often search old posts seeing how people have overcome certain things and find it really helpful).

I haven't gone to the funeral today as I felt it was a bit too much to cope with. Mentally I'm not in the right place to deal with seeing NF and I know that this would manifest itself as extremely uncomfortable physical symptoms. I could have forced myself to endure it but I wouldn't have had my mind solely on paying my respects and doubt that I would have been able to offer the comfort to my aunty's close family and friends that I would have wanted to.

Instead I sent my uncle a card and expressed how sorry I was for his loss via a short message inside, plus gave a donation to one of the family's chosen charities. I also sent some flowers for the funeral with the hope that they add some colour to a really sad event.

I'm upset that I didn't feel up to going as I genuinely wanted to be there, however I have been thinking about my aunty and family all the time and wishing them peace from afar. Although I'm sure there will be a couple of whispered smears about me from the sidelines (from NF and flying monkeys) I at least know in my heart that I'm well-meaning and most importantly that I truly do care. It was the thought that not going might make me disrespectful or 'bad' which was worrying me. Frankly though, NF attending proves the point that doing the expected and 'right thing' doesn't automatically make you a good person.

So this morning while the ceremony has been happening I've been taking comfort with my sweet little dog and listening to some chilled music. A really sad day but I've paid my respects in my own quiet way with no drama. 

[moglow]

Wishing you peace, Blues. You deserve it.

[blues_cruise]

Thanks so much moglow. 

[bloomie]

Thank you for the update. I love how you found the best way for YOU to honor yourself, your Aunty, and her hurting family. There truly is no "right" or "only" way to grieve and hold space for others who are also grieving. Your thoughtfulness will most certainly be noted by those you intended it for and I am sure will touch them. Wishing you peace and I am so sorry for this loss.

[hhaw]

BC:

Maybe writing a letter to your auntie would be helpful?  You could keep it, burn it, bury it under a plant, or take it to her grave, and leave it in a way that feels right and good.  Or not. 

I don't think your auntie would have wanted you to suffer, and feel stressed at her funeral.  I think she'd want you safe, and comfortable, during the funeral, and always.   

If you do nothing else, you made a donation in her name, sent beautiful flowers into the lives of family members you get along with, and offered kind thoughts to your uncle, who likely appreciated them more than you know.

Those are lovely ways to be remembered, IMO.

Putting yourself in harms way was never a good option, IME.  Your auntie would want you to practice self care, AND remember her.  We don't have to do everything the way everyone wants or needs us to.  We can do them the way WE need to, and that's the best way, IME.


About what your family might say......that's just a story, and I give you permission to put the stories on the shelf whenever they pop up.

All that matters is this moment, here and now. 

Live your fullest happiest life in this moment.  Your auntie would be happy for you. 

I'm so glad you communed with your pooch, instead of suffering through a mopment fearing your father.   

[doglady]

Glad to hear you didn't go, Blues Cruise. You honoured your aunt and still looked after your well-being, something many of us have never been encouraged to put before our FOO's supposed needs.
(And dogs are often the 'best people' to be around in these sorts of situations.  )

[spring13]

For what it's worth, I think you handled this sad day really well. I think sending a card and flowers is a good way to make sure you support your aunt's family. But at the same time, you also listened to your inner voice and honored that and did what you would be most comfortable with.

[blues_cruise]

Thank you for the update. I love how you found the best way for YOU to honor yourself, your Aunty, and her hurting family. There truly is no "right" or "only" way to grieve and hold space for others who are also grieving. Your thoughtfulness will most certainly be noted by those you intended it for and I am sure will touch them. Wishing you peace and I am so sorry for this loss.

Thanks Bloomie.  Yeah, I feel it was the best that I could manage considering how stressed out and anxious it was all making me and I hope it gave at least some comfort and showed that I was thinking of them. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that there's one right and proper way to do things, particularly in social situations, but this was too much

BC:

Maybe writing a letter to your auntie would be helpful?  You could keep it, burn it, bury it under a plant, or take it to her grave, and leave it in a way that feels right and good.  Or not. 

I don't think your auntie would have wanted you to suffer, and feel stressed at her funeral.  I think she'd want you safe, and comfortable, during the funeral, and always.   

If you do nothing else, you made a donation in her name, sent beautiful flowers into the lives of family members you get along with, and offered kind thoughts to your uncle, who likely appreciated them more than you know.

Those are lovely ways to be remembered, IMO.

Putting yourself in harms way was never a good option, IME.  Your auntie would want you to practice self care, AND remember her.  We don't have to do everything the way everyone wants or needs us to.  We can do them the way WE need to, and that's the best way, IME.


About what your family might say......that's just a story, and I give you permission to put the stories on the shelf whenever they pop up.

All that matters is this moment, here and now. 

Live your fullest happiest life in this moment.  Your auntie would be happy for you. 

I'm so glad you communed with your pooch, instead of suffering through a mopment fearing your father.   

Thank you, hhaw. A letter's a great idea, last time I wrote an unsent letter it really helped get my thoughts in order. I will write one when I feel in a good place to do it.

No-one in my family particularly knows the extent of what I've been through and I think it's probably natural that family might assume that this is simply a petty fallout and that I'm being stubborn, when in reality I've been dealing with flashbacks and trembling at the the thought of even catching sight of him. Frustrating as it is, I get it. They can only judge based on their own very limited, brief experiences around this man. Experiences where they've been adults and have been surrounded by a supportive network system, so haven't seen even a fraction of what he's capable of. Plus everyone is conditioned to believe that parents always want what's best for you at heart, which just isn't always true (I really don't understand how people always default to this even when high profile incidents of child abuse from parents are reported in the media). My nervous system's reaction is validating in a way as it confirms that I'm really not just imagining things; you don't have that kind of reaction to someone unless some pretty bad stuff happened. I can't explain to myself how I coped with him for years but am unable to now, let alone other people.

So yes, as best as I can I'm shelfing the stories that I imagine might go around. Permission to myself to validate my own truth.   

Glad to hear you didn't go, Blues Cruise. You honoured your aunt and still looked after your well-being, something many of us have never been encouraged to put before our FOO's supposed needs.
(And dogs are often the 'best people' to be around in these sorts of situations.  )

Thanks doglady, yes it was very much going against the grain of everything I've ever been brought up to think or believe. I love my dog so much and she keeps me going. Just stroking her calms me down no end! I'm guessing by your username that you're a dog person too. 

For what it's worth, I think you handled this sad day really well. I think sending a card and flowers is a good way to make sure you support your aunt's family. But at the same time, you also listened to your inner voice and honored that and did what you would be most comfortable with.

Thanks spring13. I had good advice on here thankfully and although I would have dearly loved to attend under calmer circumstances, I think given how emotionally charged it would have been it was the best that I could do. One day I might be healed enough to cope with occasions like that where there is a high likelihood of NF being present but I recognise that I'm not there yet.