Observations- the ring leader

[Justme729]

I work on a team of 4 people (myself and 3 others).  We are in a new location and my assigned workspace is now next to them instead of across the building.  I've made some very interesting observations this week:

1). When the team lead isn't there, the other 2 people are very kind and sociable.   When she is there, they go out of their way to ignore me.   

2)  There is something strange going on with expectations of work hours vs  contracted hours.   One of the teachers reminded the team lead at least 2 dozen times she was leaving at essentially her contracted time.   The other teacher mentioned something about these "12 hour days" - it was nice she was gone so they didn't have to work them.   

3) when the team lead came in (half days the last two days), they stopped their work to just do whatever she needed or wanted neglecting their own work loads.  While she is the team lead, she isn't the boss.  We all have the same workloads.   I have never seen a team lead expect others to sit at their beck and call. 

* Mainly, I am in the dog house because I am not following these team norms.  I'm glad THEY are ok with that norm, but it isn't realistic or sustainable.   It will lead to burn out, if not already.   I also really enjoy being with my kids.  I really enjoy my side gig and what it brings to my family.  I won't sacrifice those things which seems to be the norm.   I was speaking to my therapist - I don't want to change teams next year.  One of the things she mentioned is that I am (a) setting an example that you don't have to work the hours that she works, and (b) challenging her to respect contracted hours and personal time/commitments.   I decided I don't want to change teams because the grass isn't always greener.  I enjoy what I do & don't want to relearn anything.   My therapist asked me how I felt dealing with her and her disordered thinking- I do feel confident in standing my ground with her.  I'm just really baffled and confused at the above observations.   How and why does she hold this much power over others?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Well, first off, I would like to applaud your clarity on your boundaries. Everything you mention sounds very reasonable to me. You also like what you do and are able to separate that from the interpersonal dynamics on the team. It sounds like a healthy place to be. 

I wish I had a good answer for how and why certain people seem to hold such power over others. Sometimes, I think it is a blend of fear of losing a job, thinking someone will facilitate their career, or competition for attention. I feel like once this dynamic starts, it gains momentum that is hard to stop. When it really amps up, it can feel like a survival of the fittest contest. I think it is alright to observe and not engage. Remain focused on what you like about your job. 

[palmtreeparadise]

I work on a team of 4 people (myself and 3 others).  We are in a new location and my assigned workspace is now next to them instead of across the building.  I've made some very interesting observations this week:

1). When the team lead isn't there, the other 2 people are very kind and sociable.   When she is there, they go out of their way to ignore me.   

Do you think maybe the team members fear her? Or they are playing teachers pet? Why do they ignore you when she is there?

Good on your for setting boundaries. The team lead shouldn't be holding this much power over you all... I have more questions on this. Is she delegating other work to you all? Is she expecting you all to work more hours?

My huge thing is having a healthy work-life balance. So i hope that she is offering that for you all and hopefully she doesn't have unrealistic expectations.

[Justme729]

Thank you - you guys have given me some thoughts to ponder.

It is difficult once this mindset starts to change it - and it is easy for a "new person" - especially with little experience (the other 2 on the team) to know anything different.   My last two positions of a similar nature - my boss would pack my bag and essentially kick me out.   The other one the custodian would tell me nothing at that building mattered and I only get to be their parent once.  Another coworker was the same way - finally what she kept preaching to me sunk in. 

I do wonder if the other people fear her - she is big on retaliation.  She has been retaliating and making my life hell the more I stand up to her.  Most people just back down or quit.  I'm not doing either.  So it is definitely an uncomfortable position to be in - and the other two are definitely in that "teacher's pet" role.  One is just a "whatever" with her - and just goes along with it to please her.  The other dealt with something elsewhere - and she definitely has the suck up vibe. The "Whatever" one is the one who reminded her a million times about leaving "early" (but still after contracted hours). 

As far as the "work" - its like a dictatorship.  Like we are all little worker bunnies.  She has a vision, they sit in her room and work towards her vision while she sits at her desk.   I know we have a difference in cultures, but I am very independent.  I am perfectly fine working collaboratively towards shared goals, but I don't need big sister watching over me.  I feel like if I am going to stay until 6pm, then I need to be paid.  It needs to be stated in my contract that, that is the expectation.  If I had known that I wouldn't have accepted the position.  I'm paid for a 40 hour work week, with occasional staff meeting or team meetings.  Typically those are once a week for an hour (and stated as much during my interview).

I guess for me, I've dealt with personality disorder and boundary violations for so long with my family of origin.  I am immune to it.  Her expectations are for sure out of line and violation of boundaries.  BUT - I am doing my best to stand firm.  She doesn't like it, but :shrug:.
Since I am causing conflict, the boss has said it is the baby cubs protecting their mother bear essentially.  So even though it is disordered, even if they don't like it, even if they know it is wrong, it is in their best interest to protect themselves from her retaliation.  BUT WHY?   Why should someone accept this sort of behavior? 

[Coyote23]

Your situation reminds me of 1. A boss I had at a nonprofit about 15 years ago. And: 2. A little girl in my 10-year-old's friend group. My ex boss had more power than your team lead, but I'm guessing your team lead has enough influence to make other peoples' lives uncomfortable. The little girl is the same. Also? In both instances, I think the shortest answer is, because they can. I think people like us on these boards get targeted by narcissistic types because we tend to be sincere, ethical people who wouldn't usually dream of being a jerk for no reason. But not everyone is like that, some people get emotional supply from being jerks and having power over. I think a lot of times people who seem like they are going along with it are sort of dumbstruck and don't know what to do in the situation and are concerned that a confrontation  would make it worse. A lot of times, standing up to bullies, which is what you are doing, actually makes it much better, for everyone.

[Justme729]

Your situation reminds me of 1. A boss I had at a nonprofit about 15 years ago. And: 2. A little girl in my 10-year-old's friend group. My ex boss had more power than your team lead, but I'm guessing your team lead has enough influence to make other peoples' lives uncomfortable. The little girl is the same. Also? In both instances, I think the shortest answer is, because they can. I think people like us on these boards get targeted by narcissistic types because we tend to be sincere, ethical people who wouldn't usually dream of being a jerk for no reason. But not everyone is like that, some people get emotional supply from being jerks and having power over. I think a lot of times people who seem like they are going along with it are sort of dumbstruck and don't know what to do in the situation and are concerned that a confrontation  would make it worse. A lot of times, standing up to bullies, which is what you are doing, actually makes it much better, for everyone.

After having to sign in by hand for 3 weeks, I see part of their frustration.  They work 5:45-6am to 5:45-6pm.  It's so incredibly stupid.  I'm not paid to work 12 hour days!   Plus they're working on the weekend too.  I had to drop some stuff off while I had help (post surgery can't lift) & they were there working.  I guess they just keep building resentment towards me?   Honestly, I just can't.  I'm not paid to work those additional hours.  So I'm not.