How to help? uBPD mother, and dad's dementia

[Anna24]

My mom is uBPD alcoholic (high functioning), and my dad is the passive enabler.  I'm the dutiful daughter/scapegoat, but finally seeing the light, and very aware of the situation. Dad is now showing signs of dementia, and it's getting worse. uBPD mom is blocking me from helping, and has actively turned him against me (financial abuse, which he would not have stood for in the past).

My brother and I noticed dad's personality changes two years ago, but PDmom blocked my efforts to get him to a neurologist, (probably because she was afraid it would expose her PD and drinking). I was very isolated with this situation for a couple of years, being the oldest sibling and in their same state. Brother was 800 miles away. This week, I opened up to my aunt, and she acknowledged noticing that my dad seems very anxious, and has been displaying some odd behavior. She also revealed knowing that my mom is a drinker. I was relieved for this validation, but also felt guilty and like I was burdening my aunt.

It is very clear that my mom has isolated my dad from his support network. She has his phone password, and answers his phone and text messages. He was always such a kind, intelligent guy (though very passive). She terrorized us all. Now, he cannot withstand her abuse, and sometimes behaves just like her. They are now both displaying manic behavior, and everyone notices.  It's been utterly mind boggling to watch, and extremely painful. Also, my parents both hold high esteem jobs in their community, and so we've been forced to keep up appearances (albeit poorly).

I have a pretty good therapist (though not a warm person, he's very tough-love), and he has helped me Out of the FOG and through the grief, but he really does not do problem solving or make resource suggestions. So, I'm very relieved to have my aunt in my corner, but she DOES NOT want to be involved with the part about my mother's drinking. She wants to help get my dad the right care, but she lives states away and is a distant relative on my dad's side.

Here is the main problem: Everyone is afraid of my mom. She has burnt bridges with all of her siblings. My parents have some good mutual friends, but I think they also feel blocked by my mom, and by my dad's protectiveness of her.

My aunt suggested trying to get my brother on board about treatment for my mom's drinking, and possibly enlisting the close family friends for some help. You can imagine the hell breaking loose; a paranoid, uBPD alcoholic being confronted with the reality that her 'secret' of drinking is exposed. I have observed her verbally abuse my dad, and I know that she has threatened suicide. He is terrified of losing her, and he is ashamed to be her enabler. Now add undiagnosed dementia (or PD abuse-induced psychosis?) to this list. Again, they are both well regarded medical professionals... this is... so bizarre...

I think it is time to break the silence with some of the family, and family friends, but I want to do this carefully. At the very least, we need help getting my dad to a neurologist, get his support, and we need to let people know about his mental state.

Any suggestions are welcome. Where to start? My brother is Golden child/flying monkey, so it feels like I'm navigating this nightmare alone or with a crappy substitute for a partner. I'm all ears, and so grateful for this online network.

[guitarman]

I am sorry to hear about what your father is experiencing. This is a safeguarding issue. Your father needs help.

Abusers are all about power and control. Your father is a target of abuse.

If your father is living with dementia the earlier he receives treatment the better. There are drugs such as Donepezil he may be prescribed that may delay the condition's progression. So they may need to be administered as soon as possible. I am not a medical professional but have experience of coping with my mother's Alzheimer's disease. Your mother is denying him the medical help that he needs. Neglect is abuse.

Abuse hides in the darkness. We all need to shine a light on it wherever it occurs.

I have found the talks on YouTube by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez very helpful. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She gives live talks most Sundays.

Another person I follow is Doctor Ramani on YouTube. She talks about narcissism.

Please contact the relevant authorities and get the help that your father needs. I know it's not easy. You need to be his advocate and speak up on his behalf because he can't.

[Adrianna]

I'm sorry you're in this position.

Have you called his doctor? That may be a good place to start. Here the doctor has a case manager who handles such things, as well as a social worker. They can help navigate getting your father the psych evaluation that he needs, and help you navigate getting him help.

With your mothers issues, you can expect her to put up a fight. Often these situations crack open the dysfunction in a family for all to see. Not your problem. You care about your dad and you're trying to help.

I also think it's not uncommon for the enabler to become a shell of a person and possibly take on some traits of the abuser as well. I'm just now unpacking how cold my mother became to me as time went on, however she had mental illness mixed in, so I never would know what's her and what's the illness.

On another note, if your dad is displaying signs of dementia, personality changes are one big key symptom of that. It's not just about memory. It can change their personality and often not for the better. There are cognition tests the doctor can give to see where he's at.

My grandmother's doctor ordered cognition tests through the physical therapist who was visiting her at home.
I didn't ask him to do it. I didn't think she had dementia and just thought her pd was getting worse. 

If you think your mother is standing in the way of him getting help, tell that to his doctor, or his case manager or social worker. I'm fairly certain yours isn't the first dysfunctional family they have dealt with so don't feel ashamed to bring up the issues you're seeing.

If your father does not have dementia and is deemed competent, at least here in the US, sadly there won't be much you can do to help. He would be considered able to make his own decisions. I have a feeling though there is some dementia going on so start with his doctor. If your mother refuses to take him to the doctor or won't let you, he/she can send someone to the house for a wellness visit and sneak in a cognition test while there.

Oh and if your mother has BPD with alcoholism, I can't even imagine trying to arrange an intervention on her drinking. The drama alone would be unbearable and she has to want to change. I think you'd be on an uphill battle with that one.

[SunnyMeadow]

I totally agree that it would be a waste of time to stage an intervention for your mother's drinking. It might cause WWIII, not worth it. Imagine the chaos and drama she'd stir up. It could make things worse for your dad too.

Contacting your father's doctor or authorities behind the scenes is a good idea. Also breaking the silence with family and friends is good, as long as there isn't a busy body in the bunch who will run to your mom with this information. You'd have to trust these people 100%.

I'm sorry you're going through this awful situation with them.