Out of body experience

[hhaw]

EM:

No matter what, you hold ....
Hold.....
Hold.....
And just keep holding.

Your STBX will show you all of her faces, tricks and manipulations.  Like a bucking bronco, she'll switch up when each fails, likely escalating as she goes, ime.

You stay focused on documenting and moving through the process without creating ANY confusion.  You ARE the calm, consistent parent who never speaks ill of stbx.  YOU are rational, very level adult steering your children's lives into calmer waters.

Hold...... don't react to the stbx's bait.

Hold..... don't allow her words or actions to trigger you.  Focus on responding according to your mission and not the PD's mission.

Hold......you apply the letter of the law and hold the stbx accountable for her words and actions.....all of them.

This too shall pass.  Try to see your situation through our lenses.....and hold.

[Simon]

I really have come to realise that if she is in a good mood and have got her supply from something other than me, she doesn't need me to give her supply and she completely misses if I am happy/sad/angry/whatever.

Yep, no-one matters but the PD themselves.
That's something they are very good at hiding (no-one would stay with them long if they didn't hide that fact).

I remember when my Dad was ill, I was working a 10 hour shift, and travelling 30+ miles to work and back, so a long day, and went to see my Dad on my way home.
By the time I did get home, my BPD ex gf didn't ask me how my Dad was at all that night, or any time after that.
Just wasn't interested because it wasn't about them.
(Just a further note; A couple of days later, in work, a colleague asked how my Dad was. I looked at her with surprise because I'd been with my BPD ex gf long enough to forget that people can be that nice. I'd come to expect nothing from people, because that's what I was living with, which is very sad).

And from a conversation that I had with a friend the other day, I realised that she never, ever asked me how my day was when I got home.
Ever!
But always had a go when I didn't ask her how her day was.
Totally self-absorbed.

Wishing you luck with what happens later when the Divorce is served on your stbx uNPDw.
I would put money on her acting pretty bad when she realises that she hasn't worn you down, and that the divorce is real, but you never know.
PDs are hard to predict.
There will be raging, manipulation, smearing, hoovering, offers of marriage counselling, and much more, but who knows what order they will be in.

As hhaw says, keep your eye on the goal, and hold on.
Think about how much better things will be for you this time next year.
(And make sure you're recording, secretly)

Good luck.

[square]

Good luck. I can only imagine the stress you're feeling right now.

So she either found someone else or she thinks she just one-upped you somehow.

[losingmyself]

We are all sending you positive vibes!
As HHaw says....breathe.
There's nothing about anything stbx says or does in the next few days, weeks, months, that changes anything. Keep focused.
You, your kids. That's all that matters.
We'll be thinking of you, good luck. You got this!!

[escapingman]

And breathe....

I couldn't have guessed how this would turn out anymore accurate than I did. First she came running questioning me if this was a joke. Then she broke down in an Oscar worth self pity performance being the worlds biggest victim. After the initial victim charade she slowly started love bombing me and then mixing them both. When this didn't work she suddenly slipped showed the true her and accused my solicitor for being a liar, she is going to take me to the cleaner before she quickly reverted to being the victim and to love bombing again. I have been doing a lot of crying, it is not easy to see someone break down like that. But I am incredible thankful she did a 5 minute nasty spell as that made me feel better.

Sad bit is how detached from reality she is, she said she disagree with what the solicitor said in the letter and I won't get her to agree to anything just because I have a fancy solicitor. The reasons stated for divorce were very mild and standard but she just could not see it. Solicitor said in the letter that if she didn't agree with the statements we will point out much harsher reasons.

Let's see where this ends up, hopefully she seek advice from a decent solicitor who will advice her to just accept it.

[square]

You got through that step. Well done.

I'm sure it's hard 

[escapingman]

Where is the logic in this? Obviously I know there is no logic, but she just told me she will fight for me and the marriage as she loves me, but if I go ahead with the divorce she will fight me in court and take me down.

[SonofThunder]

Ditto on Square. 

Keep up the good work, following the specific advice of the solicitor and focus on the end goal. Will be keeping you in thought and prayer.

SoT

[SonofThunder]

Logic?  None at all.  Imo, the latter statement does truly peel back and expose the true intent of her internal drives, and the emptiness of the prior statement.  The long term past for you is the truth, and then also going forward, her leaves will now show their true color, as they lose their supply. 

Keep up that thick skin and a tender (yet determined) heart moving forward (as the tears of raw reality reveal).  You have been given a lot of good advice on this thread, so re-reading them frequently may be a helpful stimulant to press on.  In addition, for the real truth refresher of your life with your PDw, you may find it beneficial, imo,  to review your Out of the FOG posts from the start, which can also be another forward motivator.

SoT

[pushit]

Where is the logic in this? Obviously I know there is no logic, but she just told me she will fight for me and the marriage as she loves me, but if I go ahead with the divorce she will fight me in court and take me down.

My exPDw literally told me the same thing after our divorce was final, she said she wasn't giving up on our family and was going to fight to save it.  As we all know, actions speak louder than words.  All it took was me telling her no on a small issue a few days after that, she went straight back to hatred for me.  It can feel more comfortable when they hate us, just because we know that's what really lies underneath. 

In your case it's a mix of love bombing and a threat, just to get her way.  Neither of the outcomes your wife mentioned are realistically going to happen.

[Simon]

She's going to try anything, positive or negative, to get a reaction.
As soon as she sees something that gets to you, whether it's your sadness during her pity play, or your fear during her threats, that's what she's going to home in on.
That's where she will see the crack in your armour, and her way of breaking you down.
And let's face it, despite the abuse and us knowing their behaviour patterns, we're still human, and it still hurts us to see them like this.
And they know this.

She's probably been using the same tactics for the duration of your relationship; if good doesn't work, switch to bad.
Back and forth until something works.
And she probably doesn't understand why it's not working.
It always has before.

And without wanting to make her sound bad, as we're all people on this tiny blue marble, she acting on primal defence mechanisms.
If she really is Personality Disordered, then she's emotionally arrested between a toddler and an adolescent, and we know what they are like when they don't get their own way.
There's no rational behaviour, just  temper tantrums and I love you/I hate you, until they get their way.

As Dr. T once said, you can put a child that's having a tantrum on the naughty step, and discipline them. But when that emotional child is in the body of a full grown adult, you can't, and it's a very dangerous position to be in.
I'm glad you have a good lawyer, and have plenty of evidence of her behaviour, because when she realises her normal tactics aren't working, the allegations will probably start.

Hopefully she will stay pretty lucid and just accept what's happening.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you mate.

[Gettintired76]

Escaping man I admire you so much right now. My now ex left me with no job, no car, no license and no home. Actually the home she is in is still mine but the police said there's nothing I can do to get it back and she refuses to remove my name from the lease. I'm starting to agree that my children would be better off away from her even if I didn't get them, but I just can't stand the thought of them being in foster care. My oldest, who I'm afraid is getting the brunt of her abusiveness looks so wore out now, and depressed. The GC is so angry at me all the time when she comes over, and my oldest daughter basically lives with me and has since the break up. I filled out an application for legal aid today, I hope I can get somewhere with them. I too shake so badly these days, and on a number of occasions lost time. She put me through hell for 15 yrs. I know she is telling her therapist that I was the one who was abusive, manipulative, etc. And she claims to be making all these lists to take to court when SHE calls them on me. I wish you all the best on this road we are sharing wherever it may lead us.

[escapingman]

I am worn out, absolutely worn down to the ground. Since she got the letter she has alternated between being a victim, love bombing, threatening me, having remorse and so on circling it all. She promise she will never shout at me again (as if) if I give her another chance, if  don't give her another chance she will contest the divorce and drag me through the courts. I so want to believe she could change, but I know she can't. I am going to try to just settle down a bit and then think about what to do next. I really don't have the energy (right now) for this to drag to the courts, at least I can't live in the same house as her if that happens. Also, I really need therapy to start to help me with all this - but it's a month to the first appointment. I don't really know what to do short term to stay sane, long term is clear. I will need to play this sneaky, and I really don't like doing that. But, it's her or me and I need to look after myself (and the kids).

And thanks for all your messages, I am sorry but I can't address them specifically right now.

[square]

Can you leave the house to work, laptop to wifi hotspot in coffee house or library or something?

I understand you need to remain in the house but that wouldn't preclude you from leaving for the workday.

[pushit]

I agree with Square, find an excuse to get out of the house to clear your head, if you can.

You could go for a run, or go to the gym.  I can tell you some of my best workouts were the times I was incredibly frustrated with my (then) wife, just channel all that frustration into busting out some reps and getting a good sweat on.  Another idea is get out with some healthy people and interact.  Go to a happy hour with co-workers or reconnect with old friends.  Pay attention to how healthy people interact and that will help remind you why you're not staying in an unhealthy situation.

You'll get through it, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  In the end, everything coming from her is just noise, try to think of it as that.

[Simon]

e.m.
Sounds like she is going through the whole gamut of emotions and tricks to wear you down, and it sounds like it's working.

From what you've said over the last few months, she doesn't stand a chance in court, and as advised by your solicitor, you have a lot more to tell the courts if you need to.
She is testing the water.
She could try and drag it through the courts, but what with?
If you give up now, then I can't see you ever getting away, and I wouldn't like to think how bad her behaviour is going to be once she's got you back under control.

One thing I would advise very strongly against (and I say this because you mention that you're going to have to be sneaky).
Don't give her false hope just to give yourself breathing space.
If you give the impression that you are softening your stance, even just a bit, just so that you get through the next month, only to go full steam ahead in a month's time, it's going to get very messy.
She will rage worse than ever, and she will use the fact that you did that against you.
But more than that, it's not a nice thing to do to someone, no matter how disordered they are.
Maybe that's not what you meant by sneaky.

Take the advice of the above posts and get out of the house for a few hours a day at least.
I used to go shoot some pool for an hour, go to the Gym for a couple of hours, and sometimes just sit in the park and read.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your input, I know I need to get away. It's a fine line, I need to try to keep some kind of peace in the house for the kids sake, at the same time try to control her underlaying rage. I am not going to cave in, even if I told her she got one more chance I know she would blow it by the end of next week. By sneaky, I just meant keep the plan but wait for her next rage. But I need some distance from seeing her go through all her motions on a daily basis. It really is sole destroying to watch some one behave like she has been the last couple of days. But, I need to give her a few days to calm down from her initial chock and try to make her next move calmer. The ball is currently in her court, she has a letter from my solicitor to respond to, either herself or by a solicitor she can find. I have told her nothing has change, I have not given her any reason to believe anything else (she is giving herself that).

[SonofThunder]

I agree with Square, find an excuse to get out of the house to clear your head, if you can.

You could go for a run, or go to the gym.  I can tell you some of my best workouts were the times I was incredibly frustrated with my (then) wife, just channel all that frustration into busting out some reps and getting a good sweat on.  Another idea is get out with some healthy people and interact.  Go to a happy hour with co-workers or reconnect with old friends.  Pay attention to how healthy people interact and that will help remind you why you're not staying in an unhealthy situation.

You'll get through it, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  In the end, everything coming from her is just noise, try to think of it as that.

"Pay attention to how healthy people interact and that will help remind you why you're not staying in an unhealthy situation."

"In the end, everything coming from her is just noise, try to think of it as that."

Pushit,

Those are two great truths; not only in the tumultuous times like escapingman is working through, but for me as well, at all times.  Im sorry you went through the divorce wringer as well in your past, but your shared experiences as well as the others here who have emerged out the other side, are gold nuggets of insight and wisdom.

SoT

[hhaw]

EM:

Your STBX will continue to cycle irrationally through emotional channels, like a gator rolling, thrashing and switching directions randomly, ime.

My T said....."it's what PDs DO.". At the time, I was in a divorce and my T was so tired if my failure to understand the PD's behaviors weren't personal......it was just st business as usual for my STBX. 

Please know......things will get crazier by a lot, ime.

Please know you have no control over what the PD is going to do.

Please remember you made a solid plan with your solicitor.  Do not stray from the plan!  Esp when you feel confused and list and are spiraling .....
STICK TO THE PLAN.

THAT is how you'll get through this!

The PD will begin offering you more things she knows you want and needed all these years.  Please don't engage, bc she's listening intently to you now. She's going to zero in on your exact desires and offer to grant them.....like a geni.

Please......
Work, spend time with the kids, work out, meditate/breathe/write out your feelings, read them, write about them some more till they're clear and you have absolute clarity. ......and keep breathing.

DO NOT engage the stbx......
Just focus on self care, the kids, details around the divorce you CAN do something about and
Stick
To
The
Plan .

I can hear your fatigue.  It's how these things go, ime.  You get worn down then see settlement as the "easy" way to end your struggle.

THAT is a trap the PD is setting for you.  She will make you believe she'll end the divorce without trouble UF UF if you only are nice to her, go to therapy with her, have sex with her, but it's a trap.

Please know trial prep is necessary to get through this.

Do not stop documenting ever.

Prepare for trial, set hearings and trial dates till you get your divorce filed, stamped and IN YOUR HAND.

Don't cancel any dates or hearings, even if the stbx promises something, like producing documents or agreeing to something without signing a binding agreement FIRST.

IME any settlement achieved was after I went through trial prep and was ready to go to trial.  Any attempts to settle were meant to drag out the process, make me poor and drive me into exhaustion so I HAD to drop the divorce....do not waste your precious energy on contact with the PD. 

A trial isn't a bad thing, escaping man.  We tend to think if it as TERRIBLE and terrifying, but it's often the quickest way OUT of divorce with a committed PD, IME.

Do not fear trial.  Instead, organize your evidence, keep it safe and don't let the PD know you're documenting and preparing.

Court goes well for those with evidence, the ability to manage emotions and the proper focus on mitigating harm to their children, ime.

PDs allege MANY things ...often scary things, but lack the evidence to prove their case.  Don't fear when the PD begins lobbing legals back at you through a solicitor of her own.  This will happen.  It's ok.

She might hire a PD.  She might convince a solicitor she IS a victim.  It doesn't matter as
Long
As
You
Have
Evidence.  Ignore her.  Ignore her impending threats and allegations.  Please.

Limit or end all contact with the PD as you can manage.

Take your energy BACK.

Nurture yourself as you nurture your children.

Believe you can't save your stbx from herself, but your obligated to save YOU.

Fir your children, stop listening to your STBX.

Later..... you'll do it for yourself, bc your T will help you build yourself string again .

I promise.....this too shall pass, but much quicker if you avoid mistakes everyone on this board made.

You're doing so well, em. 

Know you're way ahead if where I was in your situation and pat yourself on the back......
then cross your arms and gently pat your shoulders.....like you're calming a child....left right left right.

You can calm yourself with breathing and patting shoulders and pushing on doorjambs if all else fails, but KNOW you're stronger than you think. 

You CAN get through the really tough patches.  Just keep holding and practicing new habits.....replace the old with the new, em.

We're here. 

[SonofThunder]

Thanks for your input, I know I need to get away. It's a fine line, I need to try to keep some kind of peace in the house for the kids sake, at the same time try to control her underlaying rage. I am not going to cave in, even if I told her she got one more chance I know she would blow it by the end of next week. By sneaky, I just meant keep the plan but wait for her next rage. But I need some distance from seeing her go through all her motions on a daily basis. It really is sole destroying to watch some one behave like she has been the last couple of days. But, I need to give her a few days to calm down from her initial chock and try to make her next move calmer. The ball is currently in her court, she has a letter from my solicitor to respond to, either herself or by a solicitor she can find. I have told her nothing has change, I have not given her any reason to believe anything else (she is giving herself that).

Escapingman, you wrote "But, I need to give her a few days to calm down from her initial chock and try to make her next move calmer."

Since you only control yourself (+ equally full responsibility for your children) and not her at all, that sentence above is out of your control.  Therefore i suggest you only plan for YOU and the kids, always being prepared with the toolbox. So, it wont matter at all what your stbxw's emotional state is at any time and i wouldn't say anything to her about her 'to-do's' regarding the solicitors letter, as thats her 100% job to respond or not. 

All moves she makes from here forward may be key to how the divorce settles, so imo, provide zero input and let her fully 'adult'.  She made this bed herself, so let her lie in it. 

SoT