Extreme competitiveness in games/sports/etc

11JB68 · June 19, 2019, 03:10:46 PM

I was just reading something and it sort of triggered a thought/memory, which I was thinking about recently anyway.
Wondering if anyone else experiences this with folks with either OCPD, NPD and/or BPD:
Extreme competitiveness with sports and games.
To the point that it is no longer any fun.
uPDh and I (and then with our DS) used to do things like play games, go bowling, go mini golfing etc.
At some point I realized that he would be 'triggered' if I was winning/doing better than him. Well, it's a game - someone has to win right? And someone has to lose. He can't win all the time, and it should just be fun.
Nope.
He would get angrier and angrier and the activity would lose all sense of fun for me.
I remember times when I would actually start to throw my own game to avoid a fight.
The weird thing is, if we played something I was not good at he would poke fun at me for 'throwing like a girl' etc (well, I am...a girl that is...)
With board games he pretty much would refuse to play the games I was known to be particularly good at.

Poison Ivy · June 19, 2019, 03:24:29 PM

My ex-husband was very competitive even when playing board games with our children when they were young. The example I remember best is Chinese checkers: he would spend so much time planning his moves that you'd think he was playing chess in a national tournament. Our children still enjoyed playing the games but his approach to the games turned me off.

countrygirl · June 19, 2019, 04:14:45 PM

Yes, I have encountered that extreme competitiveness. I think "healthy" competition is fine, but this was very unhealthy. Very aggressive and just weird. I hated being subjected to it, and it is one of many reasons that I don't regret ending the friendship with the "most PD" of a couple of PD friends.

By the way, being told that you do something like a girl and that being meant as an insult--especially when you ARE a girl--is really low.

Call Me Cordelia · June 19, 2019, 04:33:21 PM

I have caught my uNMIL actually cheating at board games.

Spygirl · June 20, 2019, 03:09:10 PM

Oh yeah,

After the firsr two years i stopped doigg any kind of competitive thing. He was full of glee winning.

He even took it to the level beyond.

For example, we took sailing lessons.
After we got boats to ourselves, he was regularly doing risky, dangerous, unacceptable things. It got to where i was nervous all the time on boats. These are 40 50ft boats!
I finally had to step off and not participate.

Poison Ivy · June 20, 2019, 04:02:33 PM

Also, my ex wouldn't do things that he thought he wasn't good at or couldn't win.

11JB68 · June 20, 2019, 09:26:16 PM

Call Me Cordelia · June 20, 2019, 09:37:06 PM

Ok, I get that one, because of fear of embarrassment. I had an opportunity to practice my extremely limited and rusty (foreign language), but it was with somebody I felt I needed to impress, and I was so afraid of failing, I ended up completely choking and declined the opportunity. Which was actually insulting, but there ya go. Acting inappropriately because of my own mental weirdness. It's probably similar for them in this kind of instance.

blunk · June 21, 2019, 10:05:47 AM

Yes, I saw this with my bpdxh when playing pool. He had played pretty regularly in years before, and I had only played a handful of times. The first few times he would laugh at me and tell me how badly I "sucked".

So, I went and bought a book to try to learn...mind you this was the book he recommended that I buy. And I got better. I could hold my own against him at 8-Ball, but I started to get pretty good at 9-Ball. After a while he would refuse to play 9-Ball, saying it was a stupid game.

The other thing I found (I think it also a PD trait, but not 100% sure) is that if I applied what I'd read, and it was different than how he would have played it, I would get a lecture on how I was doing it wrong and a lesson on "the right way". And this was even if I made the shot!

It seems they can find a way to suck the fun out of anything.

11JB68 · June 21, 2019, 02:14:58 PM

OMG Blunk - these two things: After a while he would refuse to play 9-Ball, saying it was a stupid game.

The other thing I found (I think it also a PD trait, but not 100% sure) is that if I applied what I'd read, and it was different than how he would have played it, I would get a lecture on how I was doing it wrong and a lesson on "the right way".

Yes -anything that he doesn't like is 'stupid' (or the people who like it are 'idiots') and yes, his way is THE RIGHT WAY.

Whiteheron · June 23, 2019, 02:46:38 PM

Oh my goodness, yes!

One game in particular I remember - scrabble. Someone had bought it for DS when he was younger, I'm thinking, maybe second grade? Anyways, DS would always ask to play with me, which made stbx suspicious and upset. When he would play the game with DS, DS would end up frustrated and in tears. stbx approached me one day and asked me what he was doing wrong (he did have those rare moments - but never took my words to heart), while at the same time making fun of me because DS told him that he'd won a few games against me. I remember stbx standing there and looking at me like I was stupid because an eight year old had a winning streak against me.

I just looked at him and said "that's because I'm playing on an eight year old level and only using words DS would know." I also told him that I would let DS win once in a while, and that we were playing mostly for fun. stbx looked right at me and said "I can't do that." I asked to clarify "so you can't lose on purpose so your son can feel good and have some fun?" stbx replied with a "no."

He must dominate, he must win. Even against an eight year old. As if he needs to prove he's superior?

Later on, as he approached his teen years, DS became interested in one of those fantasy card games. DS was really into it, and stbx wanted to get involved too (because no one can have an interest that stbx isn't involved in). So stbx started building a deck to use against DS. stbx would buy cards that cost $100 or more, just so he could beat DS. DS became incredibly frustrated and told me that it seemed like his dad was only wanting to play this game to beat him...and stbx admitted it - he said his goal was to annihilate DS. This just sucked the fun out of the entire game for DS.

It's as if it was an easy 'high' for stbx - must win at all costs just to feel that sense of superiority over and over again. Of course, it was never enough.