Those details in conversations

[Jsinjin]

My spouse is OCPD but also has a near photographic memory.   She follows me around at almost every engagement and corrects me.   But it even at my own events.  In addition to my role at a tech company i teach classes as an adjunct at a local university. I recently was receiving some recognition and had to give a talk then there was some food and drinks afterwards.   People would ask about the project or even inane questions like "how were the    holidays?" And when I gave answers that were general and in the flow of conversation she would interrupt and correct, sometimes with very long winded and over detailed explanations.   I could not just say "well the kids came in from college and we hosted and they all left right after" she would stop me during the conversation she was not part of and say "no technically our youngest stayed until the 30, she didn't leave right after Christmas"

Later when I asked her about this she explains it as /"it's wrong to not be 100 percent truthful and accurate when you talk to people and I hate it when you don't give people the real details"

Except I see the other party's question as being a nice icebreaker like "how have you and your family been" and you say "oh we have been doing well, kids are all healthy and job has been pretty good".  It's a general answer.   My spouse sees that as "lying and skipping details because it's not 100 percent true"

She would say "well technically walker had a cold earlier this year at college and had to go to the clinic, and technically you were frustrated with your boss last month"

And she sees this as an absolute moral expectation of me.   I feel like hiding from her at get yogethers because she seems to consider my conversation to be what she watches and protects from  hovering nearby.   But I don't see what this helps and why I need to be watched.

I'm literally not saying "well out child is a genius" or "I expect to win the Nobel prize next year"

What I'm saying isn't made up.  It just feels like the level of detail of "the family is all pretty healthy" means to another person at a party "our kids are all well, no major diseases or car accidents and none of them are incarcerated" because the other statement "we are all ok but worried about little jimmy after his accident" allows that normal flow of conversation to say something about that.

The details seem to be critical to her but at a level that doesn't seem to be normal.   And she isn't trying to control me from what I've learned, she is afraid that some detail might not be exactly transferred with 100 percent accuracy.   Except this is cocktail hour conversation, not a speech of corporate earnings that 1000 analysts are recording and dissecting every word.   It's "MY KIDS ARE ALL DOING PRETTY WELL"

am I off?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Sure sounds to me like she's trying to control you. She's trying to control you because she's afraid some detail might not get exactly transferred with 100% accuracy, perhaps, but it's extremely controlling behavior. It sounds constantly exhausting and embarrassing and yes, completely off. This is the nature of the OCPD. She has these extreme and irrational moral beliefs and she makes it your responsibility to manage her anxiety for her.

It's familiar to me as I had two parents with OCPD. They policed my manners in public, how I stood and spoke, eavesdropped on my phone conversations, etc. and were just extremely nitpicky about all sorts of things that didn't matter at all. But it didn't register in the slightest that THEY were being incredibly ill-mannered by behaving so boorishly. Like your wife, they were entitled to have their rules followed absolutely and completely, by whatever means necessary to ensure compliance. Boundaries, schmoundaries.

That's a much bigger problem than speaking in generalities in a general conversation. Nobody but her cares that your son had a cold last semester. And your feelings toward your boss are simply not her business to bring up, true or not.   Boundaries.

I suggest not bringing her to future events of yours, and leaving her to manage her own worry that you didn't spill all the beans about all the things all by herself. And answering, "How was the event? Tell me everything!" with, "Just fine." You have your own stuff to manage in your life, especially at things that are yours, and you deserve to enjoy it and not be managing her drama the whole time.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I experienced similar "corrections" from my parents. I also witnessed both my parents correcting each other frequently. I did not know what exactly it was, but always thought they went to great lengths to interrupt the flow of a conversation or the happiness of the moment to insert a correction on minor details.
   
I looked at it later as their attempt to control. They attempted to control me, the personal interaction I was having, the perspective others had of me (showing me as 'less than), or to just feel right and powerful.

The details in conversations they corrected never changed the overall message. Being interrupted like that also just took the 'steam' out of the dialog which might have also been what they wanted because then attention was on them.

They would also correct innocent and random behaviors. I would start to sit in one chair, then be told to sit in another. I had a nervous habit of cracking one of my knuckles, and dear mom would interrupt a conversation to direct me "stop cracking your knuckle".

It was exasperating to be on the receiving side of this. No matter how much I tried to reason that those little details did not matter, they insisted that they did and just kept on doing it.

[Jsinjin]

I'll be honest, I used to think it was control over me, but I've learned for the OCPD person in my spouse it's a deep fear and desire to be 100 percent accurate and have absolutely nothing as a false statement or missed detail.   

I used to wonder how people thrived in roles related to absolute accuracy in things even when it didn't matter.  I recall a grant proposal funded by part of the department of defense where the increments of time for the research had to be in 15 minute intervals and everything in the weekly update forms down to the format of the date had to be exact.  It took me more time to update the pages of paperwork longhand because they weren't digital.   And the person who reviewed it was so detailed she would compare the shape of the signature and question it between reports let alone the use of the date on every page with it having to be dd-mmm-yyyy with a 01 02 etc used for day and jun jul etc for the letters.   This indexing and details int he forms mattered a thousandfold more than the actual research and accomplishments.   

I wondered why it was so important and still wonder but the person handling it considered it to be life or death that every single part was 100 percent accurate in the rules and form.   

I see the corrections in my conversations as being a horrible fear of something not being 100 percent accurate in a retelling.   She thinks of that for nearly all aspects of life and can break down and have a complete emotional meltdown if things in her sphere are not 100 percent correct and accurate.   Her own conversations regularly tell how to assemble a watch rather than what time it is.  I don't fault her for it because the OCPD is what it is.  I do find myself enjoying time at those kind of events without her around though.

[walking on broken glass]

Hello Jsinjin,

This sounds exhausting, both for her and for you. It might be that it is not her intention to be controlling, it's her fear talking, but the way it manifests ends up being controlling (and I am sure awkward and embarrassing for you). Is she getting any help for her COPD? Does she have any techniques to keep such behaviours at bay? It might be a good idea to go to work events on your own.

[Jsinjin]

Hey "walking On broken glass" (I keep thinking Annie Lennox)

She, like most OCPD spectrum disorder individuals, just isn't aware there is a problem.  It doesn't bother her at all and she assumes and "knows" she is completely right.   That's where the difficulty in dealing with her publicly or in private for that matter.  Right vs wrong are elevated by her OCPD to absolutes and they are all weighted at the same level of importance: stealing food from orphans is the same weight as the trash can being too close to the curb or leaving out an element of a story retelling or letting leftovers expire.   All things have absolutely important value and they are fought for with violent levels of intent and tenacity.

It's a pain but I've learned to not let it get me down as a person emotionally.   It's more just frustrating after 30 years.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I'll be honest, I used to think it was control over me, but I've learned for the OCPD person in my spouse it's a deep fear and desire to be 100 percent accurate and have absolutely nothing as a false statement or missed detail.

I am going to affirm others who called this behavior out as control. She can have her "deep fear and desire be 100 percent accurate" and apply it to herself as much as she likes. Forcing it on you by following you around "interrupting" and "correcting" is not only rude, it's controlling.
 
Can you communicate to your spouse that you dislike this embarrassing and rude behavior, and maybe draw a boundary around tolerating it?

[sunshine702]

I will also mirror that this is over the top.  I understand that it is like she can't help it.  Deeply wired behavior.  But this sounds like absolute hell for you. It sounds embarrassing for you.  Not being able to have normal cocktail conversation at YOUR event.  You have to find a way that she can't come to this next one.  Maybe forget to mention the next one.  How nice it will be to do it by yourself whisking from Soft polite conversation to conversation.

[keepmoving]

I don't know if this is applicable but it almost sounds like a very literal interpretation of the idea of 'truth', of it having to be exact. It sounds sort of like a trait of autism. Or perhaps like you said OCPD.

I wonder if you've shared with her how it feels to be corrected in front of people? Is she unaware of why it would make you feel that way or is she more like 'get over it'?

Would naming what it is while it's happening help? Like if she says 'actually your boss had a red tie at the party', you could follow it with 'she has a photographic memory' or 'she has ocd and the exact truth is necessary for her' and then move on. I mean maybe this is just not a realistic social disclosure and I'm reaching here.

Ultimately though, it's her that's saying these things, interrupting you, correcting you. Anyone who sees this happen knows this. If she isn't aware of its social effect, then you could tell her or she can find out or not find out. If however, she understands the social effect, and isn't able to stop herself, then her compulsion is affecting her ability to socialize, and that may or may not be important  to her.

But to put the focus back on what you do have control over, you don't need to internalize her interruptions or corrections, and you don't need to invite her to an event if you don't want to, it's understandable to go without her.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Does she know she has OCPD, maybe through having been diagnosed?  And even if not, does she have any awareness that others see this behavior as weird and how much it puts people off?  Or embarrasses you?

I grew up with a parent like this.  I agree it's more about quelling anxiety through controlling everything and everyone around than trying to have power over a particular person.  Though I do think PD's tend to see family members as extensions of themselves rather than autonomous people.

In my case, this person totally believed themselves to be right, but also came to recognize that others thought the demands, and the real reasoning behind them, were outlandish and would not play along.  So made up contorted, nonsensical reasons were offered.  That the reasons made no sense may have been part of why no one could effectively argue against them, and so it worked to allow them to get their way, pretty much always.

My ex had a different PD.  But I relate to the embarrassment of having your spouse acting in some crazed manner around others.  It was very isolating.  None of the friends I'd had before we were together wanted anything to do with him, and I couldn't blame them.  They still wanted to see me, but I rarely did that because it caused such an uproar.

As to your last question ... no, you're not off.