Keep replaying awful SIL conversation in my head

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I am just coming out of a period of depression, doing lots of things to recover :-)

I have grown up with family scapegoat abuse, really bad emotional PD abuse. I was the only daughter and my PD parents (PDM the main abuser, but PDF also abusive), with three PD brothers. My brothers spouses are also bullies and now they are getting the nieces and nephews to follow suit.

I am very low contact, but I'm thinking I need to go even lower contact. I met up with my sister in law a little while ago (I didn't really want to, but she needed to return something of mine). She was just so contemptuous and it left me feeling really bad, I still feel bad when I think about it, and it was several months ago! My other sister in law is the same. Honestly, what must they say about me. It's so hurtful! I am already feeling bad about myself lately, and I don't need that. I've only ever been kind to her and my other sister in law.

What is interesting is that I am noticing a lot more, which I feel like is a healthy sign, I've come out of a lot of denial (there's SO many layers!).

Anyway, the 'bright' side, is that I have decided to go NC with her and my PD B. So that is literally all of my family, except my parents, and I am already very very LC with them, and thinking of going to NC.

It just all feels really painful at the moment! Anyway, any pearls of wisdom will be warmly welcomed!

[Cat of the Canals]

Something that helps me is to remember that the contemptuousness they project onto you is something they actually feel about themselves. The PDs I know have an undying inferiority complex, and the only way they know how to make themselves feel better is to engineer some way of feeling superior. They can never just "be," because they are constantly obsessed over who is higher in the pecking order and how they might claw their way a few spots higher. It doesn't take the sting out of their abuse, but it is a reminder of what a miserable existence their lives must be. It's a sad way to see the world.

[bloomie]

JollyJazz - there is something about the inexplicable nature of this kind of disdain and completely out of left field treatment of us by a family member that can sneak through our protective layers and get at us, I have found. I am really sorry you encountered this from your sil and am with you as you determine to not expose your tender soul to this kind of disdain.

I can see that at the least of it, this sil's behavior toward you is ill mannered and rude. It honestly doesn't even matter why. It seems it is pretty consistently ill mannered and even if she were a complete stranger at the check out counter of the grocery store who behaved this way for zero reason, you would avoid her lane when shopping because nobody deserves or needs this.

The cherry on top is you are her brother's sister. You hold a place in the family dynamics that would mean, to a well mannered person, that your sil choose to act with kindness and grace even if the two of you weren't particularly drawn to each other as friends.

Can you take off that painful coat of rudeness that your sil has tried to put on you and leave it where it belongs? At your sil's feet to deal with? I am learning to visualize taking off the garments that disrespectful people try to clothe me in these days and leaving them with them to deal with.

You know who you are! Live strongly in the truth of who you are and, if you can today, let her behavior return to her and you go and live your good and valuable life free of it!

[JollyJazz]

Something that helps me is to remember that the contemptuousness they project onto you is something they actually feel about themselves. The PDs I know have an undying inferiority complex, and the only way they know how to make themselves feel better is to engineer some way of feeling superior. They can never just "be," because they are constantly obsessed over who is higher in the pecking order and how they might claw their way a few spots higher. It doesn't take the sting out of their abuse, but it is a reminder of what a miserable existence their lives must be. It's a sad way to see the world.

Hi Cat of Canals!

Thank you for this!

Yes, I just find it so bizarre. I don't know why there's this need to be so nasty, but intellectually I have to remind myself of the narcissm theory, such as Dr. Ramani describes. It's all envy, meaness etc.

It is very sad, isn't it! One of the nastiest things is it was right after I'd said something kind as a compliment.

Having so many narcs in my family I'd sometimes get strange insights into how their minds work. For instance, my mother once changed doctors because she had a very beautiful, accomplished doctor, with kids etc. she finished the story by saying "and she was really nice", as if that's the worst blow of all! I also heard my brother saying something similar about someone he envied.

Even then, it sounded weird to me, why would I not like someone nice???

Thanks for your kindness 😊🙏

[JollyJazz]

JollyJazz - there is something about the inexplicable nature of this kind of disdain and completely out of left field treatment of us by a family member that can sneak through our protective layers and get at us, I have found. I am really sorry you encountered this from your sil and am with you as you determine to not expose your tender soul to this kind of disdain.

I can see that at the least of it, this sil's behavior toward you is ill mannered and rude. It honestly doesn't even matter why. It seems it is pretty consistently ill mannered and even if she were a complete stranger at the check out counter of the grocery store who behaved this way for zero reason, you would avoid her lane when shopping because nobody deserves or needs this.

The cherry on top is you are her brother's sister. You hold a place in the family dynamics that would mean, to a well mannered person, that your sil choose to act with kindness and grace even if the two of you weren't particularly drawn to each other as friends.

Can you take off that painful coat of rudeness that your sil has tried to put on you and leave it where it belongs? At your sil's feet to deal with? I am learning to visualize taking off the garments that disrespectful people try to clothe me in these days and leaving them with them to deal with.

You know who you are! Live strongly in the truth of who you are and, if you can today, let her behavior return to her and you go and live your good and valuable life free of it!

Thanks so much

JollyJazz - there is something about the inexplicable nature of this kind of disdain and completely out of left field treatment of us by a family member that can sneak through our protective layers and get at us, I have found. I am really sorry you encountered this from your sil and am with you as you determine to not expose your tender soul to this kind of disdain.

I can see that at the least of it, this sil's behavior toward you is ill mannered and rude. It honestly doesn't even matter why. It seems it is pretty consistently ill mannered and even if she were a complete stranger at the check out counter of the grocery store who behaved this way for zero reason, you would avoid her lane when shopping because nobody deserves or needs this.

The cherry on top is you are her brother's sister. You hold a place in the family dynamics that would mean, to a well mannered person, that your sil choose to act with kindness and grace even if the two of you weren't particularly drawn to each other as friends.

Can you take off that painful coat of rudeness that your sil has tried to put on you and leave it where it belongs? At your sil's feet to deal with? I am learning to visualize taking off the garments that disrespectful people try to clothe me in these days and leaving them with them to deal with.

You know who you are! Live strongly in the truth of who you are and, if you can today, let her behavior return to her and you go and live your good and valuable life free of it!

Thanks so much Bloomie! Yes it's good to be reminded of this!!!

Thanks so much for this great visualisation technique! I like it!
What is interesting is that I have recently allowed myself to 'notice' more. I used to sort of 'block it out', it's kind of difficult to explain.

But now I'm really noticing it! I've decided to not visit her anymore, I'm done basically, tired of it!

Thanks so much for your kindness:-)