More support for trusting my instincts

[gfuertes]

Do others of you feel almost clairvoyant, because your ex's patterns become so predictable?

Sometimes things with Ex go fairly smoothly.  This month, he has flip-flopped unexpectedly (like, within 24 hours) on his position on certain issues we'd negotiated.  He has threatened to take me to court over parenting time in a really belligerent way, that I was surprised he put in writing.  He showed up nearly an hour late for weeknight parenting time - after I'd told him it was too late, and not to come - and laid on the horn repeatedly in my driveway, making me fear he would explode and try to break in.  And he revived the manufactured drama I posted about previously, regarding his early-20's son being missing (after it was clearly established that he is not, but just doesn't want contact, and police closed the case.) Ex accused me a couple nights ago, of having lied to him about his son contacting me; saying the delay caused by my so-called lie will probably "prevent (Ex) from ever finding his body."

A seemingly unrelated thought in the back of my mind has been this would all wind up linked to Ex's job.  Either I'd find out later that he had lost it, or he would obsess over this "my son can't have cut me off, so he must be missing" drama, until he sabotaged his job.

And just now, as I was reviewing my bank statement at the end of the month, I realized he has not paid child support since last month.

I feel a weird combination of relief and sadness.

Him paying support has made me nervous from the beginning, partly because for several years I wasn't sure where his money was coming from, or whether I could get in trouble for spending it.  Also, I didn't want to let myself come to depend on it, since most of his jobs eventually end in a crisis.  Now I realize that even though January is always an expensive month (annual Scout dues, and summer camp fees are due, and I buy our youngest son's birthday presents,) I covered all the extra costs with no contribution from Ex, and I didn't even know it.

I feel sad for the version of myself, years ago, who would discover our finances weren't right, and be too afraid to address it with Ex directly, because I knew there would be no good explanation, no easy solution, and that he'd try to distract by attacking and blaming me.  I also feel relieved that I've grown - that I texted him about it tonight, with no hesitation; and that I know I will be OK regardless what he does.

I realize that Ex threatened to take me to court because he was afraid I was about to do that to him.  I wish he were capable of knowing me well enough, after all these years, to realize that I am capable of having a civil and reasonable conversation about him having an issue at work, and needing some time to catch up support.  After all, I held down the fort with no help from him for two years, while he was in prison.  But he is so damaged that attacking me and manufacturing drama feels safer for him, than admitting he needs someone else to extend him some grace...even someone who has a significant history of doing that.

I am sad for him, that he has to live in his own head.  And I'm relieved for me, that I don't feel responsible for him anymore.

[blunk]

gfuertes, I am so sorry that you are still having to put up with this nonsense from your ex. But at the same time, I feel like this is a really great update on your overall situation.

I covered all the extra costs with no contribution from Ex, and I didn't even know it.

I also feel relieved that I've grown - that I texted him about it tonight, with no hesitation; and that I know I will be OK regardless what he does.

I am sad for him, that he has to live in his own head.  And I'm relieved for me, that I don't feel responsible for him anymore.

These three statements say so much about how far you have come. And you are 100% right to trust your instincts, they are spot on!

[hhaw]

 

I'm glad you're relieved and no longer feeling responsible for your ex too, g.

Good on'ya.

[athene1399]

In the past we have noticed similar  patterns with BPD BM. When she is under stress, usually due to losing her job, the drama would increase. She would reach out to SO more and send mean messages or threats. We eventually figured out the pattern. And if BM had a boyfriend, things would go smooth until that blew up as well.

I am sorry this is going on for you right now. I am so glad that you don't feel responsible for him anymore. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Yes, people with personality issues can be quite predictable.

If they have a hard time with personal responsibility, that's going to show up over and over. You're not crazy for noticing the pattern there.

If you have figured out the pattern of someone in your life, be grateful and thank your gut intuition for doing it's job. It's all about self-protection.

Trees

[Boat Babe]

I work in Domestic Abuse. All, and I mean all, of our cases follow the same narrative. When I speak to kids, my clients, or their parents, I always know what they're going to say next. I have to hold my tongue because for that person, it's utterly unique to their story and they need to talk.

It's the pathology. It is rigid, reactive and utterly disordered. At the extreme end it kills. I will remember today to be grateful for being free of both my adult PD relationships.