Help with my son asked

[Marianne]

Thank you so much.

The children's therapist recommended a team of psychologist (for me) and family therapist (for dad, me and son) that specialize in recovery from emotional abuse, manipulation and narcissism. She herself moved abroad, but I contacted the team. I hope they can help. I'm a slight bit paranoid because the child therapist was arranged by my parents at the time, and went along majorly in their story. She was one of the people keeping the status quo intact...instead of telling my parents to work on their part too. She did not protect my kid and didn't take his signals seriously. So it feels a little scary to go to this team...it feels like seeking help in my parents network, which frightens me. But I guess I should get over the paranoia and give it a try. 

I myself find that my emotions fly allover the place the last weeks. One moment I'm panicking and wanting to run off from my family (flight). The other moment I feel I have done everything wrong and I should have been so much milder and sweeter (please). Still another moment I'm angry (fight) or think I imagined it all (dissociate). Or I feel like jumping on my kid to solve all his problems, which is probably not a good idea either, because it is fear-motivated and might be as suffocating as what my parents did to me. I feel like a mess.

Also, I feel like things are opening up and therefore becoming accessible for healing and change. Other parts have also opened up the last years, like the relationship with my ex and repeated search of rescuers. Or the sexual abuse as a kid. Or my incapability to give words to feelings. I blame myself for not being able to heal this part earlier, but maybe there was just so much on my plate, that this didn't yet fit in. Plus...many people worked against us, even if they might have been well-intented. CPS tried to push us back into the hands of an abuser, MH system tried to convince me there was nothing wrong with me and my family before ex, etc.

I'm most of all trying to find back trust.

Trust in myself.
Trust in my kid, that he can recover, that he is strong enough, that he too can slowly start to find his own route through life.
Trust in the future.
Trust that there are good MH and CPS workers too, not just assholes who make it worse.

I've thought to write my family a very carefully crafted letter...to try one last time to both apologize for my part and show them that I see that...and explain the interaction, the way I react to them and they to me, both, and we might want to work on this together. Because I do not want to be made responsible anymore for all the problems in the family. Not really expecting much of it. But at least, in that case, I have done my part. Will discuss it with social worker.

[hhaw]

M:

Be mindful of what you put in writing for people who aren't emotional trustworthy.  Better to write out EVERYTHING, read it, then write again and again until it's internalized in a solid way..... so you can discuss it calmly, no matter what anyone says or does to throw you off.

Journaling can be very helpful to help one decide what's real, how to feel about it and what needs to be done, IME.

In the meantime, maybe don't send anything to your father and family just yet. 

About the therapist your family hired...... it's sort of like trial prep and going to trial.  You HAVE to have your evidence in hand, be very mild when you explain it and release expectation and judgment so the Therapist has room to have and express opinions and concusions without your demanding what they SHOULD do or FEEEEL, etc.  Sometimes it's how we say things that gets us in trouble.

Sometimes it's that the listener is biased and is unwilling to listen to ANY reasonable evidence or explanations and that' OK too.

Acceptance of what is helps one shift into better head space, IME.  It helps us look beyond what's fair and just and good and right so we can do what comes next...... whatever that is..... at least we can calm down, see more choice and access those possibilities.

When we're shut down in runination or fear.... there's rarely opportunity for creative problem solving that gets us more of what we want while limiting the things we don't want, kwim?

Your insights continue to surprise, M. 

Remember....emotions are temporary and they aren't YOU.  They're passing.... like clouds and storms.  YOU are the blue sky, always presesnt, always you....... accept the emotions, bc they belong, but know they aren't reality and they will pass.

You're doing great.

[Marianne]

Some great advices...

I won't send anything to family indeed. They already have a shitload of stuff to use against me, that they always threaten with, without me being able to present the context, because they hide it and I didn't keep evidence. I've tried enough, trusted enough. My dad is not trustworthy.

I also think it is both issues with the child therapist. One, she is biased, though not a bastard. Two, she sees my parents present in a very convincing way. Three, she sees me present in an idiotic way, because I've been emotional, raw, direct and unstrategical. And stupid. I should work on this.

I have also thought about my son a lot. I want to give him the signal that he is totally welcome and loved as himself, whether he hates me or loves me or both, and my arms are open to him. Always. I want to also let him go and not pull. It is understandable that he feels unsafe with both me and my dad.  We actually were. Because I was visibly unstable, and dad was destabilising and manipulative but less visibly so, it is logical he feels mostly unsafe with me (I think, he doesn't actually say). He tries to please us both and puts his own feelings away.

I was 'pulling his other arm' because I felt unsafe with my parents behaviour towards me and son, but it is only making it worse in every single way.

I'm thinking of stepping back and communicating that I'm "following sons lead". I've been asking him, and not my dad, what he really wants. His first answer: I don't know what granddad wants. I said I wanted his opinion, not granddads, nor what he thinks I wish for. He says he wants to come to me again, but slowly build things up. I asked what he wanted to do and gave a few options. He picked eating pizza and was enthusiastic.

I wish to at all costs be stable and predictable around him. Always. No exception. Even if a billion buttons are being pushed. I think I can do that now (within normal boundaries, I'm not a robot, nor should be).

I wish to also tell him to listen well to his own feelings. If he wants to come, come. If he wants to go, go. Whether he feels like that after five minutes or fifty, that is totally fine. Even if he wants to not have contact with me, whether it is because I was unstable, or because people told him all the time that I'm evil, that too is fine.

I want him to listen too his real feelings. I can't teach him that if I'm not doing that myself, because I myself am too scared of what I see dad do.

Perhaps this changes dads attitude as well. Not sure. But that's his problem.

I hurt so incredibly much about not being able to give kiddo what he needed until now, that I wish to kill myself. And I long for him and want him near to do it all over. And I want to chase my dad away because I'm terrified and hate him for what he did to us both. But that's all my problem to deal with...and should not be my kids.

So need to suck it up and be there for son, while giving him all the room to be scared, sad, frightened, staying away or coming closer, and respond to his signals.

As I want others to do. And would have wanted my parents to do.

In the meanwhile, I'm looking for all the support I can get. And take as good care of me as possible.

And writing indeed helps to sort things out. Lots and lots.

[Marianne]

Also, while wishing to be stable and not burden kiddo with my emotions, I do want to be direct and open with him. In a way that fits his age.

I've found it terrifying that I sensed my parents were for example hostile and angry with me, but they wouldn't just say anything direct, they would be passive aggressive for ages. And deny their anger. And then explode and tell me how they really felt about me in the meanest way possible. After which their "no we love you as you are, you are crazy that you do not see that" felt...fake. And manipulative.

So that is theory. Now practice. Asking a lot of feedback from my environment at the moment.

Pffff. It would have been a whole lot easier if someone had taught me social skills and emotional skills when I was 5. Rather then me figuring them out now. )

Also a reason to be forgiving to my parents (without letting them cross my boundaries). They too were taught shitty life skills.

[Marianne]

“If I injure someone and while he bleeds I self-flagellate, that is punitive guilt; but if I put down my cat-o-nine-tails and reach for my first-aid kit and start bandaging, that is reparative guilt.”

Found somewhere on the internet.

This I will put above my bed.

If only I knew how to bandage him.

[Marianne]

My mood is flying everywhere. And I don’t really know where to find hope in the midst of it.

[Marianne]

I have been a mess the last weeks. All that happened comes back to me, with all the conflicting thoughts and emotions that brings  up. I'm not normally like this.

I feel horrible.

I've been pissed off at my parents, who hid what they did and disturbed my mental health and the bond between kid and me, his sense of safety. And all the people I begged for help, and who did only harmful things.

I'm mostly sad though about him and what I did and didn't do. I made my child feel unseen and unsafe. I see now all the times he tried to connect, and I failed him, because I was so sick myself. I did not protect him. But most of all, in all the trying to protect him of others in wrong ways, I became a bad parent myself.

I'm afraid my child will be ill like me. Will not heal. Our bond will not heal. I'm really not sure how to live with myself.

I genuinely feel something broke in my kid. He is different.

I searched for a billion solutions...but I just don't think this is repairable.

I understand why my parents look away from this. And my despair makes it rather impossible to care for my son.

I need to look at this to be a better mum, but I know no way to deal with the pain. Self-compassion doesn't feel justified.

[Starboard Song]

Self-compassion doesn't feel justified.

Compassion is always justified. Whether directed to yourself, or a dear friend or family member, or a person convicted of a crime, or a fallen soldier for the other side. Universal compassion is probably the single most consistent call-to-action across all major world religions. Compassion is always justified.

We do make mistakes. We learn and we carry on. Think about some of the horror stories you've heard of: children escaping after years of being kidnapped, people losing their entire family in a flood. All these stories you can think of over the years have people very scarred. Almost all of them carried on. They found a way to restore order. It can be done.

None of us are too broken.

[Marianne]

Thank you so much. I needed that. All the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall in place, which is just hurtful and emotional. I'm having a lot of flashbacks and nightmares too at the moment. 

I try to be more compassionate to/about my parents. They tried hard. They were good parents in many things. And that they were nasty in other things and couldn't leave room to be seen as anything but perfect, had to do with their own hurts. They both were from such tough families. It's easier to find compassion for them now. 

Compassion for myself is dramaticly harder. I messed up so badly. I hurt my child. I see his pain. I want to make it all go away. I wish I had done better. I want to pour love and healing and safety in him, and I don't know how.

I do take hope from what you said. There are horror stories, and people recover. Maybe it is not too late. I've been asking around for good therapy. I found out about a family program, that aims to restore cooperation within families. It is aimed at building trust and overcoming difficulties. I don't know if it will still help. But it gave me a tiny ray of hope.

I also just took some calming meds. I don't normally like stuffing emotions away under a layer of medication, but I feel a lot calmer. Maybe I'm also catastrophizing. I saw so many in my family and my ex's family (plus myself) get irrepairably damaged...that I'm overthinking and overreacting maybe. Fearing my kid ends up like us. Maybe he will be just fine.

[Marianne]

I'm a bit doubtful...the meds make me less aware of everything. This might be good (me being a terrified train wreck because I see all the disorder in self and family and the rest looks away, doesn't help anyone). But it also makes it more likely I will go back into the fold.

[Starboard Song]

All right, that brings me to another oldie-but-a-goodie.

I have a recommendation. It works best if you do this with a good, trusted friend in real life. A confidant who knows everything and can really be there at your side for this exercise.

Make a few lists:

• Things you know are true.
• Things you know are NOT true.
• Things you will not do or engage with.

And I mean really: write these down in complete sentences. True and false things must be strong, bold facts. Not generalized complaints or observations. Things you will not do or engage with are your boundaries, and they should feel very needed and defensible. Like, "I will not continue any conversation in which someone accuses me of infidelity." Or, "I will not allow anyone in my home who has a history of drug dealing." Those purposely aren't your issues because you need to write these for yourself.

The purpose of the lists is to keep you from going in circles. A friend can persuade you that you are good parent today, and tomorrow you can wake up at 2 in the morning in anguish over your past performance. A good friend IRL will point you back to the list: "you said you KNEW he could recover and heal, so we are NOT going over this again."

This worked for me. Mostly. For the hardest decisions or judgments, we can still play the on-the-one-hand-and-on-the-other-hand game. But our list of truths and not-truths makes this harder.

Again, think about people who have overcome the hardest trials, in real life or in movies. Shipwreck survivors, that guy in 127 Hours, people lost in the mountains, or surviving in even a silly thing, like the Die Hard movies. I have a friend who survived 6 days, stranded alone on a tiny shelf on a cliff in a mountaineering accident.

It is hard for us to feel like them, when our problems can't be solved with muscle or adrenaline, or even explosives. But just like all those people, you are counted upon my many people. Many people will be better for having known you. You will be admired for having pushed through and survived. People who hear your story will be relieved for you, that you made it through the hard time. Instead of adrenaline or brawn, you'll solve your emergency through peace. Peace of mind and heart. I wish you a lot of both.

Be good. Be strong.

[Marianne]

That is great advice. I'll ask not a friend, but my social worker. She is a blessing. She sees the dysfunction in my family, is honest about my own dysfunction, but also looks with loving and kind eyes. And she knows stupid dynamics from her own family.

Actually talking cheerfully with my kid helps a lot. It makes me feel I can at least give him something good. He is on a holiday with my dad, which increases my stress. But we speak on the phone daily. It may be something small, but I bought him a rabbit, because I thought that may help him. It seems to be good for him. Rabbit gives him comfort. And he expresses that he likes me sending him pics and movies of rabbit, and tell him funny stories about what he does. It may be a tiny little thing. But it gives me hope, and it is something shared. Rabbit will move to grandpa after holiday again, to be with kiddo. Will miss the little creature, but son will be happy with him.

[Marianne]

I'm re-reading all your advices.

I've wondered...every time a new part of my narrative comes up, I feel fragmented for a while. As if my mind is broken to pieces and can never be repaired. It felt like that with my ex. Then everything was puzzled back together. Then it felt like that with the childhood sexual abuse, and everything was puzzled back together. And now my mind feels like a fragmented mess again. I'm wondering if I'm the evil one here, or my family is, or all of us are, or none, or some grey in between of everything.

I wish my mind was whole, but I feel it will never be. Does anybody recognize that? I've had someone wonder if I was manipulating today, because I forgot to tell something (something small and practical) and I was like...uhm...nope...  my mind is just a bit of chaos at this moment.

[hhaw]

I think all abused and traumatized people feel fragmented at times, M.

It's important to befriend yourself.....be so very kind and supportive.  Advocate for yourself now and at all the ages you've been.....like the mama you deserved, but didn't have.

Most if all, don't grab onto worrying thoughts.  Let them go by....notice them, but don't grab onto them.  They'll pass if you leave them be.

Trust all splintered parts of you have good intentions.  They all belong.  They're asking to be tended to when they pop up, M.

Journal.  Write out what you feel.....drop the fear and get it all on the page.....accept it and keep going.

Don't forget to take breaks, make a lovely cups of tea or coffee and go out into nature.  Notice the sky and bark and grass and colors, shapes and sounds around you.  Notice what's in your peripheral vusion, both sides.

Trust you'll be ok and resolve to find solutions and infirmation to help yourself.

You'll do better as you learn to do better and I have such hope for you, ((M.))

[Marianne]

Thank you for listening, to being such a giver of hope.

I'm despairing a lot, and then coming back out of it.
I'm trying in the meanwhile to be positive and sweet to my son.
And I'm searching how at least I can bring to attention what I think my son really needs. And try hear him. And try keep my arms open for him.

[Starboard Song]

The value of a journal is so true.

Journalling helps you in so many ways (not here at Out of the FOG, of course: our forum is not for journalling, but for asking and discussing specific questions and issues). You can see your progress over time. You can write things down and make them real so you don't go in circles. And sometimes just the free expression feels good. It is just a good affirming honesty to yourself.

[hhaw]

A journal is validation for where you've been and what you've been through.... doubt pops up.... and there's the journal to validate and remind you what's true and what's perhaps not.  Sometimes lessons come around again and again.... in different forms and a journal can show us so we find clarity and dispel confusion around it.

Your son needs to feel seen and heard.... to feel he has some impact on his life and what happens to him.  Asking him questions, listening to the answers, participating in his interests, really  SEEING him when you look into his eyes, fully present and available is priceless, M.

No worrying about what you failed at or didn't do perfectly in the past..... only being present, here and now.  That;s a tremendous gift you give to yourself and our son..... without reservation or apologies or fear..... just mining the joy out of the present is EVERYTHING.  Journal about it.  Count the wins......
being present with  yuor son, here and now..... is a HUGE WIN, M.

Tell me about your son's dreams.... his interests and ideas for his future. 

How do you meet him where he's at?  How do you participate in his life and interests?

Find creative ways to do that, while shutting out your father and interruptions...... your son wants your attention.  He wants you and your father to get along.  He deserves peace and to take care of himself while discovering his passions. 

The adult struggle isn't his to worry about.  His jobs are getting good grades, chores and figuring out what he loves to do.

If your father isn't on board with allowing your son that safe space.... you can be on board and facilitate when and however you can.

All your past mistakes are gone and fall away if you let them go. 

Every momen presents choices and you;r'e free to make new choices, better chioces.....
the best choices, M.

Shrug off the past.... all the guilt and shame and regret  It's gone and no longer exists, except in your mind so put it down, M.  Resist fearing into the future.  It wastes your energy and takes up precious time better spent on uplifting things, IME.

Being present here and now is a habit to cultivate.... imperfectly, but always striving... keep coming back to it when you forget.  Mindfulness is about quietly sitting in awareness without judgment..... and it's SO much better than bouncing back and forth between fear and regret, M.

What you have is time with your son while he's still a child.... this window of opportunity is still open to you.  Still available.  It's everything and you have the opportunity to make the most of it in every moment.

[Marianne]

Those are good thoughts.

There is still time, life is not over. I know of a colleague who forgave her father after a highly abusive childhood and reconnected in his last months. He apologised and changed his ways on his death bed. They still had a few good months. This was tremendously healing for her. If this can be done at senior age…there is hope that I can still be a mother to my child and heal some of his hurts.

My son at this moment is interested in soccer, as well as going to a new school, and interested in programming and animals. His interests are changing a lot at the moment, so it isn’t completely clear. Officially his dream is to have the same job my dad has, which I’m not sure is his own dream.

I’m really trying to change my own ways. Because I was fighting for his safety for so long, I was in survival mode. Trying to focus with him on the cheerful things now indeed. As well as my own living. 

Right now, he is on a holiday with my dad. I’m trying to call and text him regularly and we have good talks, when he is in the mood. I mostly ask about his days. I’m trying to show him a lot of funny things his rabbit here does, which he enjoys. We will go out to buy rabbit some toys when he comes back. Im leaving it up to him how much time he spends here. He likes to joke, which we do a lot, and I try to show and tell him he is loved, and see his genuinely good sides and name them.

Im in the process of calming down. Came out of scared child flashback mode, and seeing a more nuanced and now-oriented picture when im “myself” again.

When I see him we play board games, walk, go out for ice cream, play football, sometimes watch a short movie, chat, joke. We used to play games with his stuffed toys, but he quit that now.

I keep a safe distance from my dad. I would love to show my kid it is all peaceful and good, but I feel so unsafe with my dad, that it would have the opposite effect. It destabilises me. And I get a bad response from my dad every time I try. Contact between me and dad now only hurts my kid, and when I distance myself, I can grow stronger and have a better resilience to my dad. After which I can deal with it better. And show my child there is peace (from my side, which I have control over).

[Marianne]

A question. Or two, really.

1. I'm finding out that my dad strategically reached out to everyone behind my back. Literally everyone. Family, friends of the family, my mental health team, my kid's old and new school, etcetera. Even my kid himself. To paint a horrible picture of me, and a picture of himself as the big rescuer. He conveniently painted a picture of me as manipulative, so nobody will believe a word I say. When people see the slightest bit that doesn't suit him (e.g. the therapist saying that my kid feels unsafe with him), he pressures them into never telling anyone.

They saw me collapse and get pissed off. They didn't see, and will never be able to comprehend, that I was actually dead scared and angry because my kid gave signals of being emotionally abused, as I was as a kid. I have told several people I was the bad person and my family was great. Because they told me over and over and over and I believed. Kid will do the same, when asked.

How on earth do I set this straight? At least at the places that matter? My relationship with my brothers went to ruins, because we - idiots - all became angry at each other over things my parents told us. My relationship with my kid deeply suffered. I'm trying hard to correct that, by starting to be a better mother. I want for the school to not have an unbalanced idea. 

How do I defend myself, and thus make sure my kid is believed if he ever reaches out?

2. I'm a Christian. I struggle with how to stay true to myself and my own values, while at the same time defending my child. I want to be honest to myself and others about the mistakes I myself made. I too had a role in this. I want to be loving, compassionate and forgiving to my dad. I want to be vulnerable. I want to cooperate. I see that my dad had a bad childhood, a bad marriage, and I was difficult as well. Something snapped in him. Apparently.

How on earth do I combine the two: staying true to values of forgiveness, compassion, cooperation....as well as defending my kid? I do not want to play strategical games with family. 

[hhaw]

51% rule.....always take care if yourself first before you try to caretaker or forgive tour dad.

That will come after you get yourself squared away, M.

In the meantime you research healthy boundaries and how to enforce them calmly and maybe read up on some parenting strategies....I like The Parallel Process bc it helps parents work through and separate their own stuff while providing clear strategies for helping kids take responsibility and feel we believe in their ability to do so.

You have to stop before you speak, think about what you want people to hear (based on your goals) and say that without expectation, judgment or snark.  It's not easy, I understand.  Lashing out is an emotional reaction and that has to be noticed and dealt with so one doesn't continue doing it.

Easier said than done, but you journal, read, practice calming your brain and body and figure out what steps you should take in the system and what you need to say and do....then do that, stay on track or keep coming back to your track by touching an item you wear for that purpose.....and keep coming back. 

The more practice you get the easier it gets to stay calm bc you're building new brain pathways and they get stronger with use.

If you can, please research AIT therapy (Advanced Integrative Therapy) and perhaps find a T familiar with it.

I'm very excited about it.....its quick, very helpful and speaks to healing more deeply.  Just look it up, maybe and stick with your mission: )