Update - uBPD/NPD sister called

[guitarman]

Thank you. That really helps.

It's 5am and I've just woken up from another nightmare about my uBPD/NPD sister. Now my body is full of adrenaline. It will take some time to relax and self soothe.

Adrenaline can induce automatic responses such as fight, flight, faint, freeze or fawn. I've experienced all of those before. I can get so easily triggered.

I will do some box breathing. That's a simple and effective new way I've learnt to calm myself.

Recovery is a process that takes time. I use my experiences in a positive way to help others both here and elsewhere. We all need to share our stories and help raise awareness about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

There is a book called "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk that has been recommended but I have yet to read. It is about the effect of trauma and forms of healing.

https://www.besselvanderkolk.com

I am trying to be kinder to myself. It's not easy to turn around my inner critic to becoming my inner encouraging coach instead. I need a constant kind cheer leader that quells my negative thinking.

I have been posting recently in the Other Media Resources section of the forum about things that have helped me. You may like to check them out. I hope they help you as well.

[nanotech]

I'm sending my thoughts and sympathy guitarman.
Box breathing is great. I do it too.
Have you also tried the longer exhalation breath?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201905/longer-exhalations-are-easy-way-hack-your-vagus-nerve
I hope the link works! I'm not great at links.
I find it really soothing and calming. It's meant to engage the vagus nerve, counteracting fight or flight and moving us into 'rest and digest' .
Extended exhalation sends a message to the brain that it can relax. I found it through yoga. That and the box breathing. Both are so so helpful to me. I hope this is useful, sending my thoughts out to you. It isn't easy for you. We're here for you.

[guitarman]

Thank you. I'm going to explore more about breath work.

I woke up feeling good this morning. I hope it lasts.

[bee well]

Hi Guitarman,

I'm sorry about the nightmares--it's so hard (!) to wake up when we have been in one of their grips.

The breathing really does help, when we can focus on that.

I read the Body Keeps the Score and it explained a lot. I had to put it down at times because some of it was very heavy. But I'm glad I kept going back to it.

I just wanted to say hello to you, you are doing a great job!... 

[guitarman]

Thank you.

I'm still reliving past traumas. It never leaves me. I don't suppose that it ever will but I will learn to cope and manage it all. Over time it will lessen, I hope. Thoughts aren't facts.

[nanotech]

I've read somewhere that because of the trauma bonding, once we are safe, we may dream quite vividly about the traumas. But they are in the past now. Hold onto that. I'm not an expert, but I'm feeling that even if you keep having these dreams, that their  intensity and their effect  will begin, with time, to lessen. Xx

[guitarman]

Thank you. There have been many other traumatic events I have experienced over the last decade or more, apart from my uBPD/NPD sister, including both our parents passing away, living with chronic sciatica and overwhelming fear about the pandemic. They all seem to be mixed up in my thinking.

I have some good, peaceful times but then I can get easily triggered and everything comes flooding back again.

I'm learning to be kinder to myself.

"With self-compassion we give ourselves the same kindness and care we'd give to a good friend" - Dr. Kristin Neff.

https://self-compassion.org

I realise now how much trauma and stress I have been experiencing for a long time. I didn't realise so much at the time as I was living on adrenaline through some very serious life threatening emergency situations. I was often having to cope with them alone. I have learnt now not to minimise what has happened.

I can identify with a diagnosis of living with CPTSD for myself. That explains a lot about what I am experiencing.

[nanotech]

Self compassion- yes it's something I practise now too.
You're doing well. I so understand about the cptsd.
Xx take care

[guitarman]

I'm beginning to doubt what happened to me at times. Was the abuse as bad as I think? Then I look back on my posts here and remember events so vividly.

I know if I get back in contact with my uBPD/NPD sister she wouldn't have changed. I would only be back on her emotional rollercoaster coaster with her.

I mustn't minimise what happened or make excuses for it. I mustn't excuse her behaviour as mental illness or her having no insight. She knew exactly what she was doing.

I feel huge sympathy for her but that shouldn't be any excuse for her behaviour.

I mustn't feel guilty for her behaviour. That is the tactic of the abuser to make you feel responsible for their behaviour. I've felt responsible for her all my life thinking I could and should do more to help her. I feared the consequences if I didn't.

I need to be kinder to myself. I need to show more self compassion for myself. Abusers shame targets of abuse into thinking that their feelings don't matter, when they of course should.

These are all the twisted mind games they can play. It takes courage and determination to break away. No wonder I feel so messed up. I've endured decades of brain washing and abusive behaviour.

One day I won't feel so guilty. One day I will feel free.

Just having a doubtful day of fear and negativity.

[bee well]

Hi guitarman,

I'm glad to see your affirmations. I hope you will keep returning to them in your time of doubt. You are a kind person, and you deserve to be treated kindly.

I've read many of your posts and they have been a source of help and validation to me, and I am sure many many others, although I am sad to think of what you have been through.

That you are here to tell about it shows the brightness of your spirit.

Please continue to focus on you and give yourself credit for all the work you have done! 

[guitarman]

Thank you.

Just having a rough day.

X

[guitarman]

I am getting badly triggered by the news from Ukraine. I haven't watched television for two years. I am careful about what I watch online on YouTube and Facebook. I follow the news sometimes but have to limit what I look at. I limit what I listen to on the radio for the the same reason.

It's so easy to get sucked into watching live news reports online for hours and hours. I realise that I have to protect myself.

Any animal abuse or human injustice stories get me so inflamed. It's as though I am experiencing the events myself. My body releases adrenaline and it takes me time to self soothe and calm down to realising that I am safe.

I have experienced decades of abusive behaviour from my uBPD/NPD sister. I explain to people that it's been like living in a war zone waiting for the next bomb to drop. I have never lived in an actual war zone, just an emotional war zone where my mental and physical health were repeatedly under attack. As a family we became used to it all. It all became normal.

I'll probably have bad dreams about the news tonight. I should have been more careful and not watched so much about it all today. It's going to be the main news story for a long time.

[guitarman]

I didn't really realise all the trauma I have been experiencing for years, well decades. I got so used to it. It became normal and I expected it. That's how ongoing abuse becomes ingrained and accepted.

I would expect my uBPD/NPD sister to act out screaming and shouting. She trained us not to criticise or upset her in case she carried out her histrionic threats of suicide. That's coercive control, isn't it?

Even now I find it difficult to fully accept what has happened as abuse. I used to explain and excuse her behaviour as a mental health issue so I felt I had to be subdued around her in case my behaviour set her off in an extreme emotional landslide.

I'm getting triggered badly about the news from Ukraine. It's all so terrible. My mind is going into "What if? What if? What if?" mode. I have to say to myself "What is. What is. What is" instead. That grounds me in the present and reminds me I'm not there and I'm safe.

My inner critical voice is so loud. I am trying to be kinder to myself. I have negative thoughts about most things. I should be doing so many things but I just can't any more. I feel a complete failure. I am living with depression.

If I were in contact with my sister she would be telling me off. She would be boasting about all she has achieved and able to do things even though she claims to have life threatening illnesses. My inner critic is her voice shouting at me.

That's what abuse does. It destroys you from within.

[guitarman]

I attended a family day yesterday. All my close family except my uBPD/NPD sister were there.

We haven't met up with my sister's adult children for a long time. It was good to catch up with them. They don't have much contact with their mother so like me they don't know much about what's happening with her. I thought they were in more frequent contact with her but they aren't, which surprised me.

I was determined not to talk about my sister but others started talking about her and I joined in.

It brought up a lot of memories of past traumatic incidents and all the chaos and dramas we've all endured.

Thankfully we didn't talk about my sister all the time. We have other people in the family to talk and care about.

I keep thinking that my sister's children are still very small and vulnerable but they aren't. They are adults in their thirties.

They seems to be thriving and happy in their lives living away from their mother. They have firm boundaries with her and keep to them. That is how they stay safe and well.

[guitarman]

All the talk about my uBPD/NPD sister made me have a nightmare about her. This trauma will never leave me. I keep reliving all that has happened years ago.

I know I am safe but it's difficult to convince my mind that I am.

[notrightinthehead]

You do not want to get stuck in the past. The nightmare might be a sign that you are strong enough to process it and put it behind you. You have learned so many techniques and you have become an expert in c-ptsd by now, take back control over your own life now.  Do not allow her control over your life from now on. As long as you let the past control your now, she has control over you. These might be unpleasant feelings, but you have the skills and the help you need to go through them and come out your own man on the end of that tunnel! You are not a victim anymore. You are a survivor.

[Hilltop]

Hey Guitarman I am sorry you had more nightmares.  Perhaps the talking within the family is not helping to relieve the stress, our brains from what I read don't know the difference between thoughts or reality, so our thoughts can affect the body as it feels the stress and responds to it even though it's just a thought or conversation.  It's like reliving it I guess. 

I do a lot of rumination and watched something recently that said people do this because they are trying to make sense of it or understand it, in a way it's how we are wired, we want to understand however in these types of relationships understanding is pretty much impossible.  I agree with this, I ruminate so much because I keep thinking that if I just go over it one more time something will become clear to me and I'll understand it.  However ruminating keeps you locked in, keeps your body reacting, it isn't healthy for us.  I would think conversations would have the same effect.

So recently I have been practising being in the moment more.  Just switching off.  I think it has really helped me to be away from my parents and not having any new trauma coming my way.  The more I concentrate on doing things during the day I enjoy, focusing on my now the rest seems to slip away and I am finding I am not ruminating or thinking about it as much.  As a result along with meditation I am feeling more calm and centered.  I feel more relaxed.  My healing needs to be about me now, not focused on them.

I say this as perhaps the conversations are not helping at this stage.  Perhaps your body needs to unwind from the stress.  Telling yourself that you are safe is one step however switch the mind off from thinking about your sister, meditate, do things which you enjoy, do tasks which you get engrossed in, do vagus nerve exercises etc.  Find the things that work for you.

I'm glad you enjoyed the family dinner etc and hopefully in time people will be happy not talking about your sister and you'll simply be able to relax and enjoy the evening.

[guitarman]

I was just reading a list of terms relating to narcissistic abuse and got triggered. I had flashbacks, was sweating and noticed my heartbeat racing.

I used to feel compelled to sort everything out for my uBPD/NPD sister so that she would stop raging or feel suicidal. It was such a relief when she eventually calmed down.

I realise now that I took on a lot myself and wasn't equipped to handle such an ongoing responsibility without any professional help for her. She wouldn't accept any as she didn't believe that she had any issues. Now I have to look after my owns needs first and I can't cope with her continuing extreme distress. So I decided over two years ago not to have any more contact with her. This has left me thinking that she is in a constant crisis state because I have had no resolution, wondering how she is. Like before she's most probably emotionally up and down, as ever, going from extreme to extreme. I need to realise that she's never going to change and that I can't change her, no matter how much I want to.

I am living with depression. I have extreme negative thinking. I can't do much at the moment. It's early in the morning. I feel calm and well. I went out yesterday. I posted a letter and did some food shopping. For me those are major achievements. It sounds ridiculous to write that down and admit that but that is how my life is. I find it difficult to imagine my life any differently but I know things will change. Little by little things will change. For now I will let things be. I will be gentle with myself.

Life is a teacher. I have learnt to let go and let be. I have learnt to stay calm. I have learnt that I matter too.

Thank you everyone for your continued support. Only we know what it is like to care for someone in your life living with BPD/EUPD/NPD etc. What matters most is how you care for yourself as no one else is going to do that for you.

It's a lovely sunny day here.

X

[nanotech]

 
Guitarman I'm sending you lots of kind support, hugs and caring thoughts.

[guitarman]

Thank you.

X