Lockdown: Does your pd parent accept help from people who aren't you?

[MyLifeToo]

I work in a school, and we have to provide care for vulnerable children during the lockdown. There is a rota, and I was at work on Monday. I asked to swap my next day, due in 2 weeks to next week, so that I would be able to self isolate for 14 days on order to safely visit my elderly uNpdM at Easter (150 miles away). Meanwhile I've been keeping busy, doing the garden because the weather has been fine, and catching up on jobs.

Also been busy on the phone, 2-3 times a day, to her.  I know you've all advised me to cut back on phone calls as I always ring every day, but I feel it is the right thing for me to do, but now she knows I'm home she wants more and more.

Because we talked twice during the day yesterday I didn't ring her in the evening. So she phoned and asked me what I was doing. I told her, watching tv, having a meal etc. and that I planned to check up on her later. Well, she was on the warpath, and had a go at me for not caring, being selfish, telling lies, all the usual rubbish.

I called at midday today to see how she was and her first words were "I thought would've rung me to see how I am. I'm ill, you don't care, you just want to sun yourself in the garden on your lovely extended holiday blah blah blah". I said I'm not on holiday and I am ringing you to see how you are but if you're going to speak to me like that I'll go now and maybe ring later.

I did ring later, she started her verbal assault, and we argued, I jaded, shouted and told her she was a bully. She was calling me selfish because I hadn't volunteered to help vulnerable people like herself. I said the only reason I hadn't was to keep myself in isolation so that I could visit her. (I have asked my elderly neighbours if they need anything, but didn't bother to tell her that)  She said don't bother, she doesn't want to see me anyway. It was like kids in a playground, and I told her so. Why do I waste my breath?? Why do I still care what she thinks of me? Why do I still try to do things to make her happy at the expense of my own well-being?

Anyway, I'm feeling angry and that's all just venting, sorry.

I have noticed something interesting, and wondered if anyone else had found the same? Since the crisis she has had offers of help from neighbours and social services. She doesn't go out any more, and used to moan that she's all alone and nobody ever helps her. (She pushes people away) Her life hasn't really changed since lockdown, because people don't normally visit her anyway, so if anything things have actually improved! She will never ask for help, and expects everyone to be mind readers. Rather than being relieved that people are offering she seems to resent the fact that they are because they should have offered sooner. Is it part of the npd I wonder? She spends a lot of time in waif mode (to me and her grandchildren at least), on the other hand she hates it if anyone thinks she might need help. She is ridiculously proud, and suffers because of it.

[Fiasco]

Mine only pretended there was nobody to help her until i finally placed an online order for what foods I could find available to ship to her so she wouldn't starve. Wouldn't you know it, as soon as she succeeded on getting me to pay attention to her terrible plight (not) help and groceries appeared out of the woodwork. I canceled all the items that hadn't shipped yet and frankly I'm mad as hell about the ones that already had.

[p123]

Mine only pretended there was nobody to help her until i finally placed an online order for what foods I could find available to ship to her so she wouldn't starve. Wouldn't you know it, as soon as she succeeded on getting me to pay attention to her terrible plight (not) help and groceries appeared out of the woodwork. I canceled all the items that hadn't shipped yet and frankly I'm mad as hell about the ones that already had.

Yes I've had the pretending too.

Visited him a week or so ago (before lockdown in the UK). Filled his freezer up. He moaned he didnt want to spend that much money is one go (umm you didnt even pay me so...). So I explain "Dad who knows whats going to happen".

My wife had a knee op this week coming out of hospital tomorrow. I told him I'm not coming this weekend ANYWAY because of this.

He ignores it completely.

Then I get the "but I've got no money in the house, and I need to pay for meals on wheels". Sorted paid by credit card.

So hes thinking of something else to get me to visit. "But you'll have to visit to get me milk and it says you're allowed to go out to help vulnerable people".
My brother who lives a mile away has been going, I live 25 miles away. I've got kids who were mixing, my wife has been in a hospital (as have I to see her), I am high risk, my brother has no kids.

Yet he still thinks I'm going to drive 25 miles to talk to him from the garden to deliver milk and a packet of biscuits....
Unbelievable - thats my Dad also - he likes to make sure EVERYONE is doing whats expected of them.

[MyLifeToo]

Yes mine has latched on to that bit: you're allowed to help vulnerable people. I said that means local people delivering shopping to the doorstep, and leaving without going into the house.  I can't really be expected to do that when it's a 2 and a half hour drive! She tells me I'm only saying it because I don't want to be bothered, don't love her, don't care... Sigh!

Now she's telling me that she won't ask the people who have offered to help her with shopping - not because she is too proud, but because she's too kind... (and when is it I'll be able to visit...?) 

[Adrianna]

Feel the anger! It's a good sign that you're recognizing she's crossing boundaries.

It's all familiar. My grandmother whined for 20 years that no one cares, no one visits, no one calls, she's lonely, hates being alone, why is life so hard for her and what has she done to deserve such disrespect (cue violin), when will her misery end, why don't the neighbors do things for her (hello they have jobs and families of their own), how dare I do anything fun without her, I'm selfish, I don't care about her, I don't do enough, she should have had more children, blah blah blah.

A part of narcissism is the inability to see other people as actual PEOPLE with needs, desires and lives of their own. We are here for one reason and that's to serve them. We have no other function. She's unhappy and thinks it's your job to fix it.

It isn't though.

I used to talk to her every day and it was draining, I didn't want to do it, I did it out of guilt, and looking back what a waste of my time and energy. She didn't appreciate it, not really, maybe here and there she would but she knew I didn't want to talk to her every day and she just didn't care. Uninterested in what I wanted, it was all about her needs. I wasn't supposed to have any.

I would highly suggest limiting the phone calls. I went from every day, to every other day, to twice a week.

She's in a nursing home now and I haven't seen or spoken to her since November. Looking back I can't believe how much time I spent worrying about her happiness while ignoring mine.  I was basically told by her that it was my job to make her happy and bonus, I was doing a lousy job at it.

Looking back I really think it's nothing short of emotional abuse.

Research narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. My grandmother has traits of both and it's really helped me to understand that you need to protect your own well-being. If you don't want to pick up the phone to call her then don't. You have that right.

[stasia]

Oh yes, this is all so familiar. They are bottomless pits of need and whatever you do will never be enough! Even if you were there 24-7 then she'd be angry because, I dunno, you're not cheerful enough about it or "you don't really want to help" despite the fact that you are helping right now, or whatever.

I used to hear that a lot - like, M would be *literally in the middle of being helped by someone* and would start wailing about "but they don't really WANT to help me, they don't really CARE, they're only helping because that is their JOB (in the case of like social workers or someone at the bank who was getting her account sorted or something)." It's like it doesn't even matter that the help is occurring and she was getting what she physically needed, she still managed to complain that their motivations were wrong. As if she could read minds and know exactly their intent!

She also will not ask for help from anyone, they are supposed to offer out of the pureness of their heart. Anticipate her needs because she is old and widowed. And yes, the "should have offered sooner!" thing - if someone did offer, then she would just rant about how she's needed this for years and how did no one notice, blahblahblah.

You have every right to be angry!

[WomanInterrupted]

OMG! 

Somebody would be *trying* to  help unBPD Didi - a clerk in a shop, a nurse  helping to navigate the world of back braces and other orthopedic supplies, a waitress taking her order, somebody at the DMV or electric company regarding matters relating to them - and she'd wail that they didn't WANT to help her - they were getting PAID so it didn't count.   

She was referring to those pesky "friends," neighbors, relatives, and ME, of course.   Even when I was trying to jump through hoops to make Didi's life easier, I could never manage to get it right and all those "special" products I researched (to aid her digestion, improve her health, help other problems she was having) would sit on the floor by Didi's chair, unopened, while she wailed that NOBODY CARED!   

Even if you put her first and gave her everything, she'd still complain bitterly that it wasn't enough - or talk behind your back about what an unholy bitch you were, only helping her so you could look good to others and not MEANING IT when you helped her!   You were SHOWING OFF.   

Didi and unNPD Ray would smell a barbecue and go park themselves on the back porch, then GLARE at the neighbors, who felt self-conscious and would invite them over.   

Didi and Ray would stick their noses in the air and refuse.  This was told to me as, "They didn't try hard enough!" 

Ooookay then! 

Finally the neighbors would get SO uncomfortable that they'd bring plates over for Didi and Ray *who'd gripe about the food and pick at it before condescending to accept it and throw most of it out.* 

I'd hear, "And can you believe they didn't even make anything we could eat!?"   

After Didi was dead and Ray was safely in a memory care unit, I had a LONG-ass talk with "Sally" - the neighbor's adult daughter who was also the MOH at my wedding.             <---Sally and me.  You'll note we're practicing social distancing.   

Sally knew she could speak freely - and did.  She said her head almost blew off as Didi and Ray poo-poohed plate after plate of food (this was a semi-regular occurrence!   ), stuck their noses in the air, complained about sauces/doneness of meat/types of salads, and bitched that the neighbors had waited so long to bring the food over that it was now cold/congealed/inedible/looked unappetizing.   

Sally said she had an urge to dump the plates over their heads and I told her I wouldn't have blamed her a bit.     

The LAST barbecue didn't go like that - once Didi and Ray parked their nosy bottoms outside, the neighbors all got up and went in the house.       

I remember doing a mental cheer on the phone, thinking, "FINALLY!  They GET it!"   

Didi griped, moaned and kvetched, "Can you believe the NERVE?  They ignored us!  They took all those ribs - there were enough for ten people! - into the house with them and didn't offer us any!"   

First of all, ribs are deceptive and there often isn't as much meat as it looks.  In any case, it really wasn't her business and I told her so.   

I remember saying, "Mom...you know, they don't have to offer you any.  They don't owe you any ribs, and I don't remember you returning the favor and offering them any food."

She started snarling that EVERYBODY knew she was in bad shape and couldn't cook, and it was the PRINCIPLE of the thing - they SHOULD have offered.   

Yeah, I wasn't the only one who was relieved when Didi finally croaked.      

To the PDs in our lives, we aren't human beings - we're human DOINGS, and we're only as good as the last thing we did for them.  They don't see us as people, but along the lines of a washing machine, shovel, trowel, rotisserie or toilet brush. 

We are things and we must DO.  If we don't do, we are worthless and have failed miserably at what *they* think we were put on earth for:  to make their problems our own, put them first, not have wants or needs of our own, and always be ready, whenever they need us.

We're just expected to hop off our little shelves, take care of their needs, and hop back up on them, to go into suspended animation until the next time we're needed.

Closer to the end of the end of Didi's life, she started refusing help from just about *everybody* - or trying to - stating she didn't want to BOTHER them.  Ray, as her attack dog, adopted the same mentality - they didn't  want to BOTHER anybody - hint hint hint, WI!  That means YOU!  MUST!  DO!  EVERYTHING!   

But I did nothing  and kept hearing about BOTHERING doctors, nurses, visiting nurses, paramedics, nurses aides, orderlies - and reminding both of them they weren't bothering people who were being paid to do their jobs.   

Somehow, "They get paid, so it doesn't count!" morphed into BOTHERING people for doing their jobs - a tactic Ray started using regularly after Didi died, like he'd never heard it used before and thought it should work. 

How messed up is THAT?  They lived in the same house and Ray saw what didn't work, but kept acting like it would.  They both did - if they just said it enough.   

I know how Didi would behave during this crisis and I'm grateful she's dead - I have no doubt I'd be NC, with her number blocked, which would also mean Ray would be blocked and I wouldn't have to hear about
any of their rubbish, because they started to pretend I didn't exist, thinking it would hurt me somehow. 

The first time a health care worker told me, "Didi/Ray REALLY didn't want to give out your name/number  and it took quite a bit of arm-twisting/convincing..." - I nearly laughed at the you-should-be-ashamed-of-yourself tone.   

If I had somehow allowed myself to be guilted into doing anything, I would have gotten to hear all about the inferior care, the incompetent people who *should have done something YEARS ago* - but NOBODY did and SOMEBODY should have KNOWN and God is going to punish them/you/me/everybody for being SO *intentionally cruel* to an old lady/man who had never hurt *anybody* and they shouldn't have been BOTHERING those people in the first place - but those people should have known and done better/tried harder and wouldn't have been in that position in the first place if SOMEBODY had just DONE HER JOB.

Olay!   

What's scary as hell - I can hear Didi giving that "motivational" speech, while pretending she can't lift her fork, only to make a mad dash out of her chair to rap on the window with her cane because the birds at the feeder are eating *like animals* and she is NOT going to have THAT.   

Please stay healthy and take care of your OWN FOC's.   

PDs are super-massive black holes of need who will *pretend* to be vulnerable to enlist help they don't need.  As long as they do it elsewhere, it's all  good.   

[MyLifeToo]

Yes, yes, yes! You all rock! Thank you for the validation, it helps so much knowing that others are doing exactly the same things, and it's not just me misreading the situation. Everything you've all said, I've heard or felt. The gripes, the BBQ s, me only doing things because I feel guilty (or want her money). And what WI said about refusing help because that means YOU MUST DO EVERYTHING

She's full on waif today. Told me she doesn't want to talk to me (but wouldn't let me get off the phone ) and never wants to see me again. Yay?!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes to everything WI said, but THIS:

"Even if you put her first and gave her everything, she'd still complain bitterly that it wasn't enough - or talk behind your back about what an unholy bitch you were, only helping her so you could look good to others and not MEANING IT when you helped her!   You were SHOWING OFF.   "

Was a lightbulb moment for me. My parents believed this about me. They said I was always such a show-off, when in reality I was painfully awkward and fearful of that being never good enough in just about every situation. It's projection! The few times they ever helped me was because they thought they could use it to make themselves look good or they did it grudgingly becaise they would look bad if they didn't help. And how often have you heard that you had to do/not do something because what would people think??? They're the ones playing to an audience at all times.

Back to your regularly scheduled thread.