Therapist encouraging me to not grey rock and to put in effort with PDinlaws

[STG3]

Just reiterating what other people have said -- therapists are just people. If yours isn't a specialist in PDs, then they're quite likely way off base and not giving you great information. If you go to the psychology today website, you can type in your zip code and check off things like "narcissistic personality" or "borderline personality" to ensure that's part of their training. You could also mention to your therapist that you're looking for someone who specializes in personality disorders and see if they have any referrals.

[coyote]

Every therapist is not a good match for every client. Ask questions. What therapy model does he/she use most? What populations/disorders does he/she have the most experience with? Is the T from a CACREP accredited school? How long has the T been in practice? Does the T have a professional consultant he/she gets feedback from? You should be able to get a feel for the T by asking questions to see if he/she will be a match for you.

[Wanderingsoul]

I agree! My therapist tried to make me see my MIL is normal and I explained everything to him about the PD side of her and her narcissism and he was like okay okay I get it. But dont be afraid to put your foot down, even with you therapist. They don't always know the full story because we as humans aren't perfect and can't depict everything we are going through perfectly for someone else to totally understand. It took 2 months of me meeting with my therapist once a week for him to understand fully what I'm going through. I was very honest with him that I'm not here for therapy for myself. I'm here to learn how to cope with the TRAUMA i endured over the last 2-3  years with my PD/narcissistic MIL.

Once I made that clear to him, he fell in line and my therapy now centers around her weekly abuses.

Of course if you are distant they will be disinclined to try! That's the entire point of grey rock!  Oh my gosh!

If you are polite and civil, that's more than generous of you under the circumstances. If the ILs are smearing you, "everyone" can easily deduce why you don't like them if they choose to use their brains. Your being distant is NOT the problem. Don't take responsibility for what isn't yours!

Sounds like you and DH need to clarify what your goal here is. What value do you put on self-protection vs. DH's need for his FOO? Where does your marriage rank in this? (Hint: Higher than the in-laws!) Does DH acknowledge how they have hurt the two of you in the past?

And finally... How can a T not support leave and cleave??? And judging people's intentions is impossible imho. Actions are observable. Sure, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. But they lead to actions. And actions do not always deserve toleration. You can be empathetic to intentions and still have rock-solid boundaries.

I'm pretty angry for you reading this. I don't want to tear down a professional, but what the heck dude??? Make nice? Like maybe you'll discover you and your MIL share a love of Agatha Christie novels, and discussing that would just make everything more pleasant for everyone.  No, you'd be helping them sweep everything under the rug and keeping everyone nicely Fogged. 

[survivorcat]

In hindsight, our therapist was highly skilled, but going through it was often stressful and not validating for me at all.  The boat was seriously rocked. She had a PHD in psychology and philosophy; and she was willing to get us to a place of making decisions and getting "unstuck". She kept the facts straight for us and made sure that as a couple we acknowledged the loss both of us had. I was really pissed and it was hard to see DH's point of view, so I had to work on that. DH has to work on acknowledging the facts.

Defending ILs behavior is something that our therapist did not do. I would not have tolerated that, given the severity and duration of what was happening with ILs.

If contact was not in the context of "discovery" and part of a decision making process, no. The ILs are in the hot seat: They have to respond in the right way to you while being with them and H has to set boundaries. If they continue to be monsters, that is fodder for a decision.  I compiled all sorts of new and awful facts during the therapy process. DH had to come to terms with the truth. Does your DH need facts, or do you have all that you need to make a decision?

[Hilltop]

Consumed, I needed a period of time out from my in-laws to really work through my feelings of hurt and anger.  I felt furious however over time underneath that fury I realised I was just hurt.  Hurt not only at my in-laws for being so unwelcoming and mean but probably mostly hurt at DH for not sticking up for me and protecting me.  I needed time to heal.  I needed that for me and the in-laws and Dh didn't get a say in it.  Dh also in the beginning tried to put it on me and say that my in-laws knew I didn't like them so it was up to me to change things. I still didn't budge, I didn't get drawn into it.  I just said I need time out for the moment.

I would say I didn't see my in-laws for about a year or two.  I didn't see them at all.  Then I saw them on occasions that I had to.  On these occasions yes I was guarded, I did grey rock.  Initially my MIL was a range of things she would be cold, rude, friendly.  It was up and down.  I kept at grey rock.  I was polite and civil every time I saw them.  I spoke when spoken to however didn't initiate too much conversation.  Seeing them again I felt some old anger and hurt return.

Over time I find now I just don't care too much about MIL's opinion about me.  I find I can hold a conversation or initiate a conversation with her now.

I'm not sure what your therapist is getting at.  Maybe the therapist is just trying to say to be polite so that nothing can come back to you.  I would hope a therapist isn't thinking that you just have to be friendly and wham everything is happy families.  I did see a therapist for a while and found it wasn't for me.  I remember saying to her that my MIL had said to me "You have put on weight, I've never been as fat as you".

My therapist told me my MIL was just trying to engage me and talk about herself and I should have asked my MIL about herself and her weight.  Uh no, I didn't feel that way and I realised quickly therapy wasn't for me or couples therapy which was just as bad.  I found more use in reading and writing down my thoughts.  I'm sure there are good therapists out there but if you feel this isn't a good fit maybe try someone else.