Fear about consequences of setting a boundary with MIL

[gettingstronger1]

Over the past summer things came to a head with my uNPD MIL.  To make a long story short, my husband and I tried to talk to her about problems with her regarding her overly controlling and critical behavior.  My husband had been in the fog, but he started to come Out of the FOG when he watched her go into a narcissistic rage.  Even though I had been nothing but kind to her for 18 years, she immediately terminated her relationship with me the first time I talked to her about our problems. Over the next couple of months, she continued to enforce the termination of the relationship by giving me the silent treatment, ignoring me while I was very sick and in the ER, and other manipulative behaviors to me that upset both my husband and I.  My husband and I went to see a marital therapist to figure out how to deal with her continued cruelty to me.  The therapist we saw basically said my husband needed to set a firm boundary with his mother and let her know that if MIL wants a relationship with him that she needed to be kind to me.  My husband and I felt sad about having to break contact with her, but we both knew it was necessary.  He wrote an email letting her know he loves her and wants a relationship with her, but he couldn't continue to have a relationship with someone who mistreats his wife. 

We are both relieved to set the boundary, but the consequence is that she could disown my husband because it's her way or the highway.  We both feel sad about this.  I don't want him to loose his mother, but it's impossible to have an emotionally healthy relationship with someone who is so emotionally unhealthy.  In emotionally healthy families you talk about and work out problems.  In unhealthy families there is a real fear of being disowned.   It just got to a point where her behavior became intolerable and we couldn't take it anymore.  I am worried for my husband, and I am not sure what to do but love and support him.  Has anyone set a firm boundary with their MIL and as a result the MIL terminated her relationship with her son??

[all4peace]

I'm sorry you're both going through this. It's painful and it sounds like you really have tried to allow for healthy relationships, putting up with poor behavior over a long period of time.

Yes, I've gone through this with both sides of our family. DH and I got counseling to get help, and our counselor said that how someone responds to boundaries can tell us a lot about how much we needed to have boundaries with them. Basically, even though many of us don't really *like* boundaries at first, most healthy people will adapt. Unhealthy, controlling and other problematic people will not accept boundaries. Us setting reasonable and healthy boundaries will lead to ruptures in the relationship. It doesn't mean we shouldn't set boundaries. It means boundaries were very much needed, and won't be accepted.

More than 15 years ago, DH set his first boundary with MIL, who lived and still lives next door to us. She nonstop interfered and disrespected our parenting, and he simply asked her to respect our wishes as parents. We saw her every day, so her interference was having a huge impact. She got angry, barged into our home, found me and got up in my face, so outraged and furious that we would dare to set even that basic boundary. Then she went into months and eventually years of refusing to speak to me, to acknowledge me in our very small church, acknowledge me at family gatherings, etc. It was ugly and cold and never recovered from there. While we got to a place of "warmer" interactions, when we again had to set boundaries with her we went through a similar version of the same process. Basically, boundaries to our families are seen as an attack. We simply are not allowed to individuate, differentiate and be our own family. At this point we now have nearly no relationship with either side because they cannot accept boundaries, cannot allow us to be different from them, and cannot have even basic conversations about our relationships.

What I wish I could have understood back then is that MY HUSBAND and OUR KIDS are my family. I put so much energy and thought into protecting the bonds with our parents, but really I had never really done the "leave and cleave." It caused tremendous stress and strain in our home and marriage, and we're still working through the consequences of that. It caused me personally tremendous anxiety and strain, and I'm still working through the fallout of that. If only I had known....boundaries are necessary for ALL human relationships. Someone reacting badly to my reasonable boundary means THEY may have a problem they need to deal with. It doesn't mean I've done something wrong.

It's terribly sad, but sometimes people opt out of relationship with us. They may feel entitled to a relationship at any price, but truly we're not obligated to stay in close personal contact with people who can't offer the basics of love, respect, honesty and decency. If they refuse to offer those basics, they are opting out of a front-row seat to our one and very precious life.

To answer your very specific last question, DH's entire family nearly entirely ignores him. And my parents nearly entirely ignore me. Both sets of parents tried very hard to reach the spouse of their adult child, but not their adult child. Because of basic boundaries, DH is nearly entirely written off by his entire family, and me by my parents.

[Starboard Song]

He wrote an email letting her know he loves her and wants a relationship with her, but he couldn't continue to have a relationship with someone who mistreats his wife. 

We are both relieved to set the boundary, but the consequence is that she could disown my husband because it's her way or the highway.  We both feel sad about this.  I don't want him to loose his mother, but it's impossible to have an emotionally healthy relationship with someone who is so emotionally unhealthy.  In emotionally healthy families you talk about and work out problems.  In unhealthy families there is a real fear of being disowned.   It just got to a point where her behavior became intolerable and we couldn't take it anymore.  I am worried for my husband, and I am not sure what to do but love and support him.  Has anyone set a firm boundary with their MIL and as a result the MIL terminated her relationship with her son??

Yes. In our case, because my MIL was rejecting us in increasingly emphatic language for over six months, we told her that her rejection of us made her ineligible for correspondence with our family. Our DS hasn't had meaningful interaction with them since his 12th birthday, and none at all, now, for over 3 1/2 years.

Terribly sad, of course. But here is the deal: our DS had already lost the Platonic ideal of a loving grandmother. The loving grandmother we all imagine isn't railing aginst a child's parents. And likewise, your DH has already lost his mother. The ideal of mother that comes with apple pie does not also mistreat the love of one's life. Maybe he can maintain a connection with the woman who bore him, but he does not have a loving mother, and cannot be said to have suddenly lost one.

So much good strength to you.

[xredshoesx]

we've had similar issues with DH's mother with boundary setting.  i'm sorry you all are going through this.  the thing that saved us is that she found a dude to move in with and that lessened her overdependence on my DH. 

[gettingstronger1]

Basically, boundaries to our families are seen as an attack. We simply are not allowed to individuate, differentiate and be our own family. At this point we now have nearly no relationship with either side because they cannot accept boundaries, cannot allow us to be different from them, and cannot have even basic conversations about our relationships.

All4peace, Starboard Song, and xredshoesx, thank you for taking the time to respond to my post and question.  Your feedback is very helpful.  I found All4peace's above quote to be very similar to our situation.  It seems that when I set emotionally healthy boundaries, my FOO and my MIL take it as an attack.  They literally seem to think that we are trying to hurt or punish them.  The whole thing really is stupid because the bottom line is that my only request is that they "be nice."  It's really that simple. "Be nice." It's just not that hard.  Because of their personality disorder, they then twist and distort a simple request into "Well you are attacking me."  Of course this is all Darvo, projection, and a smear campaign.  But I find their willingness to throw their biological adult children under the bus to be very disturbing.  The personality disordered person's obsessive need to control ends up destroying their relationship with their adult child.  I just find it very sad and disturbing that their needs come first to the point of losing their adult children, and then they claim they have no idea why their adult children went NC. 

My uNPD MIL literally told my husband and I that she is the matriarch of the family and she has the right to say and do anything she wants to her family.  My uNPD Mil also clearly stated several times that even though we are adults and well into our 40's that we literally have no right to stand up to our parents and talk to them about problems no matter how badly they act.  My Mil stated that her parents taught her this so this is the God's honest truth that we are never allowed to question.  It boggles my mind that anybody can believe something that dysfunctional.  Anybody with good common sense knows it's not ok to treat people badly. It is more of a PD person's need to dominate and control even at the loss of their adult children.

All4peace, you also mention the inability to have a basic respectful adult conversation with them.  That is another thing that greatly concerns me is that my MIL tells us she is very wise and mature, but when we try to engage her in a respectful adult conversation she has a temper tantrum or in a different phone conversation she cried and tried to manipulate my husband.  You are right in the observation that how someone responds to your healthy boundaries is a pretty good indicator of how much you need to have those boundaries in the first place. 

My husband and I know she needs time to process and think about his email he sent, but my husband was hurt that she didn't at least send a text on Thanksgiving. This is the first Thanksgiving ever that she did not talk to him and that was hurtful. 

[Spirit in the sky]

Has anyone set a firm boundary with their MIL and as a result the MIL terminated her relationship with her son??

Getting stronger, I'm so sorry you have having a difficult time with your mil. I too suffered for 18 years being controlled, manipulated, criticised and emotionally abused. My hubby has suffered all his life at the hands of his narcissist mother, constantly being threatened if he don't do as he was told, she 'wanted nothing to do with him'. He's suffered from low self esteem and self worth, social anxiety and no confidence, but thankfully by some miracle he finally seen what she was really like last Christmas. His stepfather made up lies about him and his mother believed her husband without a second thought, this was the ultimate betrayal for my hubby. When his stepfather finally admitted he'd lied, NMIL made excuses and defended her husband. It opened a can of worms and my hubby finally came to terms with all the mental and emotional abuse he had suffered at the hands of his mother.

When he told her how he felt, she went mad  demanding he stop this nonsense and if he didn't he was disowned. We set very firm boundaries are were threatened with being cut out of her will, she said they were moving to another country etc. And guess what all empty threats, when hubby told her to do whatever she thought was right she couldn't believe he was defying her.

For us NMIL is never going to 'give up' and let us have our freedom and peace. She's never going to disown her son because she would have to give up control and she feeds of him. We are vvvvvvlc and she writes him letters telling him how ungrateful he is and how she's ashamed of him. Then she buys him presents and invites us for Christmas.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I am NC with NMIL, DH is VLC. I think it would be much better for everyone if she would “give up” and cut off DH as she’s threatened to do. But she won’t do that, because there’s still supply to be had from him.

Your MIL sounds exactly like mine, and I’m so sorry. They do hurt their sons immensely. Sounds like your DH loves his mother despite everything, like my DH. But like All4Peace’s family members, DH is largely ignored. There’s just enough of a hook left that they can still twist it when they want to make DH act a certain way. I think it’s working less and less over time, but it still hurts him.

Unlike your husband though, my DH insists on keeping the door open to his parents. Your husband laid down a stronger ultimatum. “Treat my wife with respect or I’m done.” Your MIL has told you I’m so many shocking words that she will NOT show you basic respect. I’m so sorry. It sounds like you might be feeling some guilt over this, as the impetus for the rift, even though you know you are acting in a healthy way. You still wish it could be different. Of course! But it’s not at all your fault, as you well know the dysfunction was there long before you were. It just took the love of your husband for YOU to compel him to take action, where his self-love simply wasn’t enough to prompt that protective response. That is a GIFT to your DH and very very positive, despite the pain and grief of it. Your DH has lost his mother, from where I’m sitting. She’s chosen to persist in her entitlement to abuse rather than do something very simple to which you ARE entitled. The responsibility for this is ALL on her. I guess the only thing DH has to decide is whether he means that boundary and will accept reality and enforce it. For your sake I hope he doesn’t waver. It’s probably really hard for him to accept. But once she’s forced to accept DH will not be used by her, well she might not have any further use for him.

P.S. My NF said the exact same thing about being the parent and therefore I have no right to set boundaries. He took his parents’ bad behavior so I have to take whatever he dishes out. He might believe that, doesn’t make it true. But like with your MIL, those moments of truth were so eye-opening! It seems impossible that anyone can state such outrageous beliefs as truth, but that’s how they act! That she would state such things is another gift, a moment of clarity to cut through the FOG.

[gettingstronger1]

Spirit in the sky and Call Me Cordelia,

Thank you both for your supportive responses. It is interesting that both of your MIL's didn't want to disown their sons because they didn't want to lose their source of narcissistic supply.  I suspect that this may also happen in our situation too.  We did get one brief email from my MIL wishing me well on my back surgery tomorrow, and she also stated that she will respond to my husband's email after my surgery is over.  At first I thought this was good because she wished me well in the surgery, but my husband said this may not actually be good because he feels like she has something negative to say and is waiting till after my surgery is over before sending it.  My husband and I then decided it is probably better to avoid speculating and just see what she says after the surgery.  We also decided that it is important to show my Mil's response to our marital therapist before we do or don't do anything with her email.  Right now we are just maintaining silence, seeing the marital therapist, and focusing on the strength of our marriage.  Also, I am very grateful that he put me and our marriage first.  I understand how hard it is to set boundaries with a parent.  I got a horrible rash on my neck and chest last week after I talked to my enabling dad.  I have a post on the PD parents section about that conversation with my dad. 

[gettingstronger1]

Hi everyone.  I just wanted to give an update regarding my husband's email and my uNPD MIL's response.  Here is a quick recap of my above post because this happened three weeks ago. That way you don't have to read this post over again.  Three weeks ago, my husband sent his mother an email that an additional problem was that she (MIL) ended her relationship with me.  My husband explained to his mother that she must be kind to me if she wants a relationship with him.  My husband explained to his mom that her past apology was an insincere apology because she spent most of the email telling us she did not need to apologize to us and that we misunderstood her actions.  She then gave an insincere apology at the end and told us that is just the way she is.  In the mean time, I got a phone call from my husband's sister screaming and raging at me when I had just had a back surgery two days ago.  His sister was well aware of my painful back surgery, but still screamed at me about my having boundaries.  It became obvious to my husband and I that my uNPD MIL had started the smear campaign against us by telling his sister about the conflict.

So today we finally got a response from his mother regarding his email.  His mother responded to my husband's request for an apology by stating she already apologized and she would not apologize again.  She said her apology was sincere, and she mentioned nothing about how she told us she didn't need to apologize and she did nothing wrong. Then his mother accused me of being the cruel one and I should apologize to her.  We realized that once again she was making herself the victim and me the abuser.  Most of you already know this is called DARVO when they reverse victim and offender.  Then in her email to us today, my uNPD MIL made a threat to us.  My MIL told us that if my husband and I don't do something to resolve this conflict by the end of December, that starting in January she will tell everyone in the family about the conflict.  In other words, she was implying, if you don't shape up I will smear you to the family.  We couldn't believe that she would threaten us like that.  One thing that concerns me about his mother's threat, is that in my FOO once the smear campaign started against me, all of my siblings went non contact with me and I was essentially thrown out of my family.  All for the crime of standing up to abuse.  My husband and I decided not to respond to my MIL's email or allow her to bully us with threats of telling the family.  My past experience with the smear campaigns of my FOO is that if you try to defend yourself they just take that as ammunition to make you look bad or accuse you of being the abusive one.  So now we have been forced into a situation of having to go NC with my MIL because the abuse just continues.  The smear campaign is a form of abuse.   All4peace is right.  These emotionally unhealthy families take healthy boundaries as a personal attack.  And I would like to add that they then go further by throwing you out of family because you dared to set a reasonable boundary.  Like I said before this whole thing is stupid because the only thing we are asking is "be nice."  It's just that simple "be nice."  It's not that hard.   

What do you guys think about her statement that if we don't fix this by the end of December she will tell the rest of the family starting in January?  Is this a threat?  Is this further emotional abuse??Are we being manipulated?  Any opinions or feedback are welcomed.  Thanks

[Rose1]

This may not work. Dont have a good history of dealing with pd . However what if you beat her to it and wrote to your inlaw family yourself. Sorry that mil appears to be out of sorts and very angry. No idea why but would appreciate help in dealing with her  issues since you dont seem to be able to help her.  She has made some threats and you are ver concerned she may need some counselling if she continues down this path.

Reasons - shine a light on abuse and bullying often stops it.
Makes her threat seem silly when it happens
Highlights the behaviour isn't normal

If it had been my ubpdmil she would have backed off but been more sneaky about it. Exbpdh would have gone nuts at the thought of his mother being challenged. Everyone is different

[Starboard Song]

I am afraid the dueling apology demands are a non-starter even with healthy people. And I suspect an apology isn't what you want anyway. I'm guessing, but isn't what you want some confidence that you can resume relations with her without exposing yourself to further abuse? If you don't want NC, I'd suggest a new tact. Because this is headed to NC and smear and collateral damage.

She is unlikely to ever understand your request for an apology. But I think PD folks can understand specific, narrow complaints and specific, narrow boundaries. Consider another attempt -- in person,  I would suggest -- to describe three real-life scenarios where her behavior was unacceptable and distinctly PDish. Explain that in each of those three scenarios your feelings are hurt, explain what should have happened, and explain that you two will never again accept such behavior: that such behavior will never again be tolerated.

Look. I couldn't do it. This sort of thing only slowed our own march to NC by 3 months. But I believe it is the best way forward at this sort of point. Asking for an apology is not likely to achieve one.

Three cheers, by the way, for you and DH staying so close on this. Congratulations on that. You are doing so much right.

[gettingstronger1]

I am afraid the dueling apology demands are a non-starter even with healthy people. And I suspect an apology isn't what you want anyway. I'm guessing, but isn't what you want some confidence that you can resume relations with her without exposing yourself to further abuse? If you don't want NC, I'd suggest a new tact. Because this is headed to NC and smear and collateral damage.

Starboard Song and Rose1, thank you for your observations and feedback.  They are very helpful during this difficult time.  Starboard Song you are correct in your assessment that what is really important to me is that the unkind and sometimes abusive behavior stop so that I could feel emotionally safe to go visit my MIL.  I also want the behavior to stop so that my children are not exposed to it and think that this is an ok thing to do.  Unfortunately, my MIL really clings to the belief that her father taught her that she can say and do anything she wants to her family because she is the parent and matriarch.  Her father also told her that adult children are not allowed to say anything to their parents.  My husband has tried to give her specific examples of some of the problems such as please do not parent our children or criticize our children about what they eat or don't eat.  She just continues to exhibit the same behavior with no regard to what my husband has politely requested.  She also takes any discussion about her behavior or setting boundaries as a personal attack.  As I mentioned earlier, my SIL has already called me in a rage about our boundaries.  She actually screamed at me "what is an emotionally healthy boundary?"  Unfortunately you can't have an emotionally healthy relationship with people who are not emotionally healthy.  Right now I am just trying to work really hard not to let the behavior of others affect my happiness in life.  I am trying not to mourn the loss of a MIL and a SIL who never loved me in the first place.

As I mentioned earlier, nine years ago, my FOO has also smeared me and went NC or LC with me for setting boundaries with my mom.  I am still dealing with the heartbreak of realizing they never loved me either.  Only my dad showed any concern about my back surgery last week.  So I am also trying not to let their behavior destroy my happiness.  It just feels overwhelming to deal with so many people who are furious with me for setting boundaries.  It is hard being told you are the abuser because you set boundaries.  Since I have seven people mad at me, I did a moral inventory of myself to figure out if I had mistreated anyone.  I searched my memory and I can honestly say I have never done anything mean or cruel to anyone.  I had only been kind to them.  I was a people pleaser through and through.  Then nine years ago I became tired of the abuse, and I started setting some emotionally healthy boundaries, and all hell broke lose.  I just have to face the fact that through no fault of my own my mother was abusive, and I can't let her behavior or anyone else's ruin my happy day.  It is just easier said than done.  I will get there.  I just need to get away from two families that have PD mothers.  With the NC and no new wounds, I will get better.

I am determined to create joy for me, my family of choice, and other people who enter my life.  Because I was mistreated, I really try to do the opposite of that.  For example, when I had my back surgery, the nurse really helped me by trying to get me a spot for a surgery that was sooner so I wouldn't suffer in pain.  The nurse and doctor were very kind and patient in answering my questions when I was scared.  I wanted to spread kindness and good karma so I called the nurse's supervisor and told her what a great job the nurse had done, and the nurse went out of her way to show me kindness.  Even though I was mistreated, I didn't want to become bitter and mean to people, so I try to show acts of kindness to strangers. In other words my goal is to be better, not bitter.  My other goal is to help other victims of emotional abuse.  It is my specialty in the field of mental health, and I believe it is one of the reasons God put me here on this earth.  My hope is that someday society will realize that emotional abuse matters too.   

[illogical]

gettingstronger1, I don't think you are "getting stronger", I think you are a very strong individual now!  You have shown in your posts that you have a great deal of understanding about PD behavior and you are very clear in your assessment of your situation IMHO.

I understand how very hurtful it is to go through what you have been through.  Please do not second-guess your assessment or your decision to break away from your MIL.  That is very fortunate that your DH is on your side here and understands what is going on.  It's a terrible thing that his mother has put him in a situation to "choose" you over his mother.  He should not have to make that choice.  A normal, healthy mother would not require it.

Please take some time to process all this.  You have to consider your own healing after your surgery. 

Regarding the questions you asked in your next to the last post, I think your MIL is definitely engaging, or trying to engage in, emotional blackmail.  And I think that "dropping the rope" here is the best idea.  Because there is no way for anyone to have a "victory" here.  Even if you were to give in to your MIL and overlook her lies-- i.e., effectively give her a second chance-- it would just be a matter of time before the Cycle of Abuse rears its ugly head again.

I think the statements you make in your last post, how you know you will get better if you get away from these unhealthy people, show that you are so on the right track here.  You are Out of the FOG and you can see clearly the picture.  I wish you well!

[Call Me Cordelia]

If your MIL wants to tell everyone that you have the hutzpah to want to be treated with respect, let her. Of course that's not close to what she'll relay to family members. But it's the truth.

I did try to head off the smear campaign with my siblings. I showed them the letter my NF wrote containing blatant lies and dangerous accusations against me neglecting my children and against my fitness as a parent. Which they would have known to be lies. My sisters couldn't be bothered to even respond and my uNBIL used it as an opportunity to gaslight me about his own past abusive behavior.

I tried a softer approach with a couple of relatives. Paraphrase: Our individual relationship with you is important to us. Unfortunately our relationship with MiL and FIL cannot be repaired right now, and that is very sad for all of us. Response: You better forgive them. You're choosing to cut off everybody. Well so be it then.

Both times it was maddening and very hurtful. There are people who can maintain some relationships from their FOO after the PD blew up. But very often there is no one left for the scapegoat when the smoke clears. It's not your fault. Everyone has to make their own choice. I don't think my attempts to defend myself really did much harm, honestly. It was something I did for myself. And now I have no doubt that I am fully justified in walking away from the whole enmeshed narcissistic web on both sides of our family. Your MIL's threat that you will lose everyone if you don't kowtow to her may very well be true. Guess you'll see. But in that case, if you only have a family if you accept abuse, it's not worth keeping them in my opinion.

If there is a gem of a relative there who would believe you, I think they would have to have the critical thinking ability to see past the smear campaign of their own accord. I doubt your words would change anyone who would otherwise be taken in. My own experiences have convinced me of the strength of PD brainwashing and codependent denial.

[moglow]

In addition to the thoughts shared above, I'd be very wary of continuing this back and forth via email. My mother's family was infamous for sharing written communication to buck up their side, including sending copies of cards and letters to those not directly involved. Forwarding emails would be a fine weapon, particularly if excerpts or only part of the conversation is provided. Taken out of context anything can be made to look bad.

All that can really be done is continue address specific behaviors, and enforce your own boundaries. Don't allow yourself or your children to be undermined or abused. If she's offended at your choices or responses, so be it. It's still not acceptable, however much she rages or smears. Some people thrive on divide and conquer, but not everyone will kowtow to it.

One thing about smear campaigns - I found out much later that several in my family went along with mother's just as a bandaid. They heard it but chose to not become involved - nothing They could say or do regardless. Some withdrew completely, not having anything to do with her so they didn't have to hear it. Too many had been on the receiving end as well. If she said it TO them about others, she was also saying it ABOUT them. It took me *years* to figure that out, and I was stunned at the very personal things she'd been telling the family for so long.

[Starboard Song]

Moglow is right. Be very careful about what you write, if anything. I personally do not believe a PD conflict can be cured in writing ever. I believe face-to-face flexibility and accountability are required.

[Rose1]

That is a point. Anything can be twisted. I was so shocked that my m would threaten and carry out a smear campaign that by the time I got over it, it was too late to be proactive anyway. A few were unimpressed and stayed out, my sister I believe ignored it but doesnt want to hear about it either.

She's in the "mother's too old to change so we have to put up with it camp". Besides m is a covert narc (finally something that fits) and presents as such a sweet old lady I wonder how much she spread because it would damage her image.

Maybe in the long run ignoring it was the best thing to do but it really messed with me for a couple of years. And I really wish there was some way to deal with this bullying behaviour and cut it off at the pass.

I really believe that doing nothing only encourages the behaviour and often wonder if we had called m on her behaviour yesrs ago, whether she would be better behaved now.  And unicorns exist I guess

[gettingstronger1]

Illogical, thank you so much for your kind words. Thank you for saying that I am strong. That made my day when you said that.  I admire the strength and wisdom of everyone on this board.  All of you are making a real difference in the lives of people that come to the board seeking comfort. 

Moglow, Starboard Song, and Rose1, thank you for the advice of not putting anything in writing. You are absolutely right in your observation.  I realized last night that I made a HUGE mistake.  The emails I sent, where I was trying to explain what the problem was, are only perceived as an attack. I realize too late, that the emails will be twisted and used in the smear campaign that is currently underway.  The reason I used email in the first place was a misguided attempt to try to explain what the problem was so that my MIL would know what the problem was and we could work it out. When I attempted to try to talk to my MIL in person, she became irate and left the room.  I wasn't able to communicate with her in person, so I thought I would try to explain the problems in an email.  Now my email is being twisted and used as proof that I am the bad guy.  My second huge mistake was trying to talk to her about the problems at all.  In my attempt to try to talk to her about problems, I put a huge target on my back.  I now realize that it is pointless to attempt to talk about problems with a person who has a long history of emotionally abusing many people besides just me.  You can talk to emotionally healthy people about problems, but unfortunately there are some people that it is impossible to reason with. I know now there is nothing I can do to change her.  I have got to stop clinging to hope that my family or my MIL will change. My head knows it but my heart just breaks.  My hope is that anyone who is reading this post learns from my mistakes. 

[illogical]

...Now my email is being twisted and used as proof that I am the bad guy.  My second huge mistake was trying to talk to her about the problems at all.  In my attempt to try to talk to her about problems, I put a huge target on my back. I now realize that it is pointless to attempt to talk about problems with a person who has a long history of emotionally abusing many people besides just me.  You can talk to emotionally healthy people about problems, but unfortunately there are some people that it is impossible to reason with. I know now there is nothing I can do to change her.  I have got to stop clinging to hope that my family or my MIL will change. My head knows it but my heart just breaks.  My hope is that anyone who is reading this post learns from my mistakes. 

Here's a HUGE difference between you and your PD MIL-- you can learn from your mistakes and she can't, because she doesn't think she ever made any.

I, too, when I post on this website, hope that some may learn from mistakes I made.  And that may be the case.  But IMHO, more often than not, we each have to forge ahead on our own path-- this frequently results in making our own decisions despite the advice of others.  I know that was the case for me.  Like Doubting Thomas in the Bible, I had to put my fingers on the nail scars in order to believe. 

[Rose1]

A mistake that is the result of trying to fix something or be kind isnt really a mistake, just a learning experience.