How to go NC with in-laws in as few words as possible (?)

[UglyLove666]

I thought fading out would work but it seems like the more I distance I implement, the more MIL and her flying monkeys attempt to inch closer. The hoovering started up after only several weeks of peace. So I realize I have to go NC while DH stays VLC.

I blocked IL's phone numbers the other day and I became keenly aware of how hypervigilant I have been for so long. (Now when my phone chimes I don't go into one of the 4F modes. Incredible!)

My DH is going to send an email to his family. He's been medium chill for the most part already, so they are used to him being a man of "few words" but they are ALSO used to me being the communicator who provides "updates" on what's going on in me and DH's life.

I just had a session with T (therapist), and she was glad that DH wants the communication to come from HIM (to his family) now that he's coming Out of the FOG. We are still kind of struggling with the content of the message. We're thinking something like, "BeNice555 has a lot on her plate right now, and she needs a great deal of space so if you guys need to reach out please just email or text me."

If they press, which is likely to happen with MIL, my DH is pretty good about deflecting.

What I DON'T want/need is a big bomb to explode. I tried to go NC several years ago after MIL was full-tilt verbally/emotionally abusive and it just turned into such a big 'thing'. I believe keeping it brief and intentionally vague is the way to go. (I'm also going to set up an email filter to have any emails from them forwarded automatically to DH (so I don't even see the email messages).

Thoughts??

(P.S. My DH and I are reading Pete Walker's book "C-PTSD From Surviving to Thriving" together, and I plan to read "Growing Yourself Up" by Jenny Brown once I've done more work on myself. Perhaps by then I'll be in a place where I can manage MIL - or maybe I'll be NC forever.)

Thanks in advance

[Leonor]

Hello and welcome!

It's great that you and dh are on the same page about great space with your abusive ils. It sounds like you both are making really positive changes for your future together.

I'm NC and dh is lc with my ils, and I believe I'm not alone in having learned that there really isn't any way to control someone else's reaction to you, especially when you are dealing with someone who is abusive. They react according to their internal state at the time, and not any external reality; they are incapable of any sort of compassion or empathy.

Given that, trying to explain or excuse or somehow say the right thing to not set off your ils about any shift in any aspect of your relationship is most likely an exercise in futility. They may, as you have already experienced, change from one strategy to another to put you both off balance and edge you "back" to the way they prefer to relate to you.

On the other hand, since there is no right thing to say, there's no wrong thing to say either. So this may be an opportunity for you to speak openly and honestly *if that would be healing for you and dh*.

Perhaps instead of trying to anticipate and control *their* reactions, you and dh can put your heads together and think of ways to support each other and stay strong in your boundaries no matter how his family reacts. Like, mil contacts you. How can you empower dh to deal with his parents while disengaging yourself? Ils get mad at dh. How can you support dh in his upset without getting entangled in their drama? And so on.

Much healing to you both!

[Thru the Rain]

I think you've got a great plan set up, and I'm glad you and your DH are on the same page with this.

My only thought is that you may want to reword the part about having a lot on your plate. That line would be like catnip to my own uPDM. Maybe something like "BeNice555 is taking a break from electronics for a while" or maybe "I'm taking a more leading role in communicating with my side of the family".

I like the second option since it leaves you completely out of the message.  And if they complain, his family is essentially rejecting talking with their own son.

[SweetTea]

I'd simply have him say just the last part. "If you guys need to teach out, contact me, not my wife."

Do not give them excuses they can overcome.

And you ignore them. You live your boundaries.

[PeanutButter]

I would not J justify A argue D defend E explain at all in the email! He can simply state his needs/desires.
Perhaps: "benice555" doesn't need to be mentioned in the message either imo. What if since this is between him and his family and is about him wanting to continue communication with his family then he could say: "hey guys just wanted to let you know that if you guys need to reach me please just use my email or my text. Love ya" ime this makes the message about them communicating with him and NOT about they shouldnt try to communicate with you.
Good luck! Peace and healing are on the way to your place!   

[UglyLove666]

It's a great relief to wake up and read input from people who have experience with this ugly and draining sort of dynamic. I woke up with a lot of muscular and skeletal pain which is indicative of my stress level. It's times like this when I have the escape fantasy of packing a suitcase and moving to another country. I'm tired on so many levels  

No excuses to overcome, breaking with technology, direct communication. Got it. So very helpful!

I had overlooked the importance of DH and I supporting each other and empowering him to stay strong. He does not enjoy communicating with them so he and I will need to work on strategies together.

Together DH and I are learning about enmeshment as well as the fight, flight, freeze, fawn responses. It's so eye-opening. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. 

(PeanutButter- while I was constructing my response your post came through. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you!)

[scattered_78]

Hi again BeNice555.  Sorry to hear that you are feeling stressed.  I also get physical reactions when MIL gets under my skin.  I completely understand how hard it is to NOT justify what you are saying.  I'm terrible at remembering to be direct when I'm stressed.  It sounds like you and DH are working well together though, it will help you both massively. 
I let my DH take the lead in communicating with his mother now, and while I have previously been the 'point of contact' I used to get stressed that he hadn't rung her yet, or hadn't replied to her email yet.  Now, I remember that it's not my problem.  It's very freeing!

Good luck, and stay strong.  We're all in the same boat. 

PS you may remember from my post on your other thread, that I told MIL to phone when she wanted (rather than giving into her pressure to phone her).  She is yet to do so..... no surprise there! 

[PeanutButter]

Me too. My neck and shoulders 'hold' all my stress.
For years I had no idea why it got so painful for seemingly no reason.
Now I can catch myself stiffening up when I am stressed. I literally hold my shoulders up and forward, stiffen my neck, and hold it like that for hours on end if I dont watch myself.

[UglyLove666]

Thanks, Peanut Butter! As the morning progressed I realized that I had nightmares about MIL which probably is (at least in part) why I woke up so tense and sore. I appreciate your nice advice, and I have been working on my physical self to un-stiff the affected areas.

Hi, Scattered! I do remember the incident where you advised your MIL to call if she wanted contact, and I am glad for you that she did not! 

As my DH and I read the C-PTSD book by Pete Walker together (only ten pages per night; it's dense and sometimes intense material) I notice that my DH is having epiphanies about his upbringing. His mother neglected him horribly from birth into adulthood while she "doted" on her two daughters. Now that we are getting to the middle of the book my DH is realizing just how much damage has been done as a result of the emotional neglect and abuse by his mother. I believe he was in denial for the most part, until now.

As we learn more from the book we are discovering that MIL's daughters that she "doted" on (MIL's words) are pretty damaged as well but are in  serious denial. My DH and I have had talks about the constant fawning behavior (and maladaptive behavior) we observe in his sisters. I used to believe that I had close relationships with my two SILs but now I understand that their friendship with me is conditional: as long as I put up with the behavior of their mother I remain in good standing with them. ("All Hail The Queen") 

I typed up the two previous paragraphs to illustrate the fact that my DH is really, REALLY waking up to the sad and ugly truth. It's all starting to add up for him: the inner critic and how it came into existence due to the abuse and neglect, and the profoundly miserable effect it's had on his whole existence. His sisters excluded and bullied him which is something they learned from watching their mother. His feelings are pretty raw right now but I can see in his eyes like he finally feels like he has an explanation and understanding related to why he's felt so empty his whole life.

My DH offered to read the C-PTSD book with me because I was having a hard time getting myself motivated to read "yet another book" and turns out he needs the info in the book as much as I do. He and I are healing together.

Thank you again, my friends! I have felt lost for years, and I cannot begin to express my gratitude to this group! I feel so validated and understood. I've been feeling terrible for so long and now I have hope.

[PeanutButter]

  for you
I know you already are a rock for your H but give him this from me and my H   .

We are not 'broken' although we sometimes say that about our selves. We were traumatised ! We are trying to heal together also. We havnt read books together (I read and then give him the run down of what I learn).

I think you are both doing a wonderful gift to each other in this reading together. 

Im so glad Im here to share with you and all in this community too.

[UglyLove666]

 

THANK YOU!!

He sent the email last night! Four sentences (not including the closing). I slept very well last night, and I have a general feeling of "lightness" today

I am so very happy that I did not give up on our marriage (huge sigh of relief!). We need each other in order to recover from the trauma. It feels like a new start.

[PeanutButter]

Congats! Well done! Your happiness is worth it.
Enjoy! Dont let any bucking or pushing from anyone dampen your resolve.

[SweetTea]

Congrats!

I know that once my DH and I were on the same page and had worked out our boundaries and contact levels (I'm NC and he's VLC), it's like we entered into a new marriage.

[UglyLove666]

 

Thank you, Sweet Tea! The advice I'm receiving on this site has been absolutely priceless. I have good friends who are well-intentioned, but until someone has really lived this type of dynamic it's difficult to relate. I also notice (when listening to stories from friends and other wives) that there's a complete absence of knowledge about PD family members and ILs, or just plain denial. It's a tough thing from many angles.

I'm just so grateful to the members here, and also to my DH for being willing to support me and insulate me from so much harm and abuse. I know there will be challenges ahead but today I feel like something heavy has been lifted, and I can breathe better! They'll push back- this i know from experience, but I'm going to enjoy the peace while I can.

[Call Me Cordelia]

This is WONDERFUL BeNice!!! It's a rare gift for husband and wife to come Out of the FOG together like this. Enjoy creating more space for intimacy and love in your marriage!

Leonor is right on the money. If you could predict reasonable responses, you wouldn't be in this situation. So the crazy very well may come, but you and your DH will be able to handle it, even if it feels overwhelming at times. You have each other and the intellectual and emotional tools to manage whatever comes your way. And us here at Out of the FOG, naturally.

Have you ever seen The Matrix? I like to imagine myself as when Neo figures out the code, he can fight the agents with one hand behind his back, dodge bullets, whatever. They just can't touch him. That will be you with your boundaries. 

[UglyLove666]

The Matrix dodging bullets scene is an empowering visualization, Cordelia!!

Yesterday I had a very intense emotional flashback which led to a crippling panic attack (like: almost-black-out, disoriented amygdala-hijack that's only happened once before in my life). I reached out to DH and he left work early to come and be by my side and help me through it. I explained to him that this NC stuff is so new for me and it feels metaphorically like I've got my finger in the hole of a dam that holding back a giant tidal wave.

I'm sharing that ^ to share this >>> For the first time in years I can understand what's going on inside me and explain it to my husband so he can get on board. He immediately put us in the car and drove to a rural spot where there were baby ducks, fresh spring water, the magic of getting out of your head and into the present moment. While he was driving he gave me a safe place to verbally ventilate my fears.

He grew up with this troubled woman, and he knows the sheer force that can quickly be mustered by her and her flying monkeys to try to enlist him into the FOG. It feels so scary but I know I'm doing the right thing by going NC with his entire family. Again, thank you for that wonderful and powerful visualization.

Sometimes I cannot bring myself to log into this site for days because I can get triggered when I read about others' in-law stories. so if i disappear it's just self-preservation. 

[all4peace]

BeNice555, I love so much of what you share in your last post. I love that your DH is a reliable support when you're triggered and gave you the beautiful gift of soothing nature. And I love that you know when the stories on this site trigger you, and take a break from it. You're on the healing path! Caring for yourself, and reaching out for support are HUGE steps towards healing!

My experience has been that when establishing boundaries, blocking ILs on phones, etc., it gets worse for a while before it then does get better. It sounds like you're prepared. For me, it helps to know what to expect and that "worse" doesn't mean we've made the wrong choice. It just means that the "other" is understandably and predictably resisting our boundaries.

I'm so sorry for how hard this has been, and how triggering, and I have so much hope for your journey based on everything you share!

[Leonor]

I always comeback to this thread and wonder about as "few words as possible." Like ...


(crickets)


...

That's about all the words you really need.

[UglyLove666]

THANK YOU, all4peace! i wish i could express verbally the feeling i have as a result of reading such encouraging, warm, loving messages such as the one you posted on this thread. I have to tell you that you should go to bed tonight (or whatever night you read this) knowing that you really, really helped a fellow human by writing those words!!

It gives me so much hope to read about the experiences you have had related to going NC. What you said about how it "gets worse for awhile before then it gets better" - i mean, gosh, thank you so much. i have been wrestling with these mental gymnastics for weeks. And, also how the "other" is resisting (understandably and predictably) our boundaries.

I feel very shaky these days: with my confidence and self-esteem, so I am just SO grateful to feel the connection from people like you who truly understand the complex dynamics involved with this type of situation.

And Leonor! You are like a total ROCK STAR to me!!! I love, love, love reading your posts to others - and, of course, I just soak up your unadulterated "real-ness" when it comes to my situation. You give me strength, girl. I am going to print out your post and keep it in my little "read everyday" drawer where I keep my little keepsakes and reminders that I am good and deserving and lovable.

I am overwhelmed by the support and just so grateful.

[roughdiamonds1]

Hi BeNice, I have followed your story since you joined the group, and it really does sound like you and your H are on the same path together, and that's a path that will no doubt bring lots of healing. I'm really glad that you have each other and that feel well supported by him, although I'm sad for your H that he is having to make such realisations about his FOO. Can't be easy for either of you.

Thank you also for the long and thoughtful reply on my post. As you mentioned, we probably have some similarities in our stories... so although I'm probably only about 8 months ahead, I can tell you a few things I learned once I went full NC with all of them. Once you create safe space around you, and you commit to your own health, wellbeing and healing, and allow a little time to pass... you will 100% start to feel the benefits come to you. Spending time thinking about other things except for my ILs was so joyful for me! I started thinking about what I want from life again, and how I want to spend my time. The lightness in spirit and body will hopefully be enough to show you that you're doing the right thing.

I've found there have been lots of wobbles along the way, and I got very upset at hearing what family members were saying to my H. We eventually agreed that the only information that he would pass on to me about his family was functional every day info. No opinions or judgements needed to come my way. Turns out ignorance really is bliss!!!

No decision has to be forever, and things may change in the future, but only when you are ready. I guess from my post you can tell I have been uncertain about whether I am ready to make contact again or not, but 8 months in, I'm really really not.

Much strength to you as you make your way through this.