Such a Strange Journey

[bloomie]

Dear friends... I can't say I didn't see this challenge coming and that my body wasn't on high alert for some time with a sense of impending doom, but elderly uPDmil has had a sudden and truly awful change in her health. Since we are a family that has a tradition that holds vigil with our elders in their final days this brings so many challenges in managing this with high conflict, drama bound, rivalrous family members which all of you can already imagine.

The first 24 hours DH and myself were all hands on deck as we were traversing the labyrinth that is an elder transferred from facility to facility to receive care for traumatic injuries. As complex and stressful as it was, and as heartbreaking to see anyone, any human, but especially a confused elder in this kind of pain, we were able to keep an island of peace and serenity both for ourselves, mil, our adult children and grands.

And then... uPDsil and enBil arrived into to town. I am convinced that if you were to look at the traits for HPD you would see a reel of sil and that would be all you need to understand the traits. And if you know who Eyeore is from Winnie the Pooh, whose tag line is "Thanks for noticin' me." it best describes enbil Something that DH and I say to ourselves when sil and bil enter situations is: "It's Shooooooow Time!!!!"

For context, I am NC with sil/bil and DH is in contact about mil only as he responsible for her care. The relationships have been broken for some time and we have not seen them in person for years. This amount of up close and in person is as intense as it gets.

What is most important to me to convey is how the tools, the years of learning to hold inner/outer boundaries, the processing, the building awareness that recognizes manipulations and disordered, out of bounds comments and behaviors and instinctively knows how to dodge and deflect and leave the room or conversation... all that we do for our growth and empowerment... WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are not unscathed from all of this for sure. All of our tool belt stuff and boundaries work AND it all takes a toll. And we have a steep and rocky road ahead of us. It helps a lot to have the focus of doing what is best for a vulnerable human being to guide us. It also helps to have the goal of honoring ourselves and others, God, in all of our conversations and interactions.

Finding balance in all of this is a big part of what we are grappling with.

Keep growing, reading, learning, equipping yourselves my friends. Keep having those hard conversations with your partners and finding your own plumb line and LOC in each of your challenging in law relationships. And I am learning right now, to be discerning and wise and not make assumptions. The spiritual work of doing all I can to let things go and not have a hardened heart is serving me in this time. By The grace of God my heart is soft and my shield is firmly in place all at the same time.

[square]

Hi Bloomie, wishing you strength as you walk down this particular path. It's a hard one as it is, and then adding PD to the mix makes it that much more difficult.

But as you say, you have the toolbox, and you have the 10,000+ hours of experience that are required for Expert Level Toolboxing. You have the muscle memory to rely on when things start going sideways quickly.

You got this.

[moglow]

If anyone can handle this with grace, I know you can. Just remember to keep letting their stuff roll off and not become yours. Sending you love, continued strength and the courage of lions!

[Hilltop]

What a beautiful post, such a beautiful reminder that the healing work does transform us, even if we don't see it in the early days.  You've got this, as you walk ahead into whatever life is about to throw your way, you have the strength to handle this with wisdom and a soft heart.  The spiritual work has served you well 

[SonofThunder]

What a beautiful post, such a beautiful reminder that the healing work does transform us, even if we don't see it in the early days.  You've got this, as you walk ahead into whatever life is about to throw your way, you have the strength to handle this with wisdom and a soft heart.  The spiritual work has served you well 

  Plus all other previous replies.

Prayerful thoughts to end the suffering and for those that are providing care. 

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

Thinking of you. I wish you strength and inner calmness. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hugs and prayers for you, dear Bloomie.

[bloomie]

Thank you one and all for the empowering words of support, hugs and prayers! I sure do appreciate them and each of you!

[wisingup]

Bloomie - you sound strong and calm.  I'm inspired.  Best wishes for the days ahead.

[bloomie]

Quick update... we bring uPDmil to her home soon with end of life care in place. Coordinating all of the moving parts needed for her care and navigating with grace and wisdom the inconsistency, quick hostility and distrust of DH's family is exhausting.

May a share a bit without wearing everyone out?

Within in hours sil/bil were pressuring DH to "spend down" mil's assets by "gifting"... ummm..  NO. She needs her assets for her care. Thank you to my fil who assured DH is POA over everything medical and financial and that cannot be changed protecting her.

Yesterday, sil caught DH aside in the hallway at the hospital and asked him if, as POA, he could instruct carers to withhold medications that could prolong life from mil against her stated wishes to continue them.  ummmm... NO!!! We honor her wishes. We do all we can to NEVER have one on one conversations with sil giving her an opportunity to mischaracterize for our own peace of mind for this very reason. Oh. My. Word!

Sil then attempted to get me aside to predict the possible duration of mil's course in this stage with her level of injury. Aint no way I am having anything to do with that conversation. Jumped in an elevator lickity split!

Sil has a long history of addiction to prescribed drugs and attempting to help herself to her elderly father's end of life medications. Now she will be, at least some of the time, staying with mil and there will be a slew of end of life medications on hand.  (clearly I could've just posted about 100 of these emoji's alone to update)

What is fascinating to me through all of this is how bone deep the disordered coping, communication, and functioning is within this family. How consistently inconsistent choices and behaviors are. How difficult prioritizing and determining the difference between simple and complex choices is. Everything about those with strong N traits in DH's FOO is vital and important. So every decision is agonizing.   

[moglow]

Wow. Just ... wow. the brass of them both!! You've handled this with so much grace, I can only hope to carry that with me as well. Unfortunately what goes through my head is written all over my face - starting with "sil, are you HIGH??! Do you have any idea how inappropriate and and offensive your questions are?? Check yourself!" When all else fails EVADE and ESCAPE!

Hang in there, Bloomie, sounds like you're doing great!

[SonofThunder]

Wow. Just ... wow. the brass of them both!! You've handled this with so much grace, I can only hope to carry that with me as well. Unfortunately what goes through my head is written all over my face - starting with "sil, are you HIGH??! Do you have any idea how inappropriate and and offensive your questions are?? Check yourself!" When all else fails EVADE and ESCAPE!

Hang in there, Bloomie, sounds like you're doing great!

+1.

I actually have experience with something similar with my MiL's death and my SiL trying to allocate monies in MiL/FiL's joint checking account to SiL's account to help pay for her children's college, telling her mother that MiL's marital joint funds were legally 50% MiL's decision where they go (regardless of FiL's wishes) and that SiL needed the money (more than my stbx) so MiL should allocate all the 50% to SiL.

SiL+BiL actually tried to hire a lawyer to get this covertly-contractually done with MiL and when FiL found out about it and reminded his eldest daughter that marital monies upon a spouses death, belong to the STILL LIVING spouse to live on, there was a great hostility. But SiL creatively was able to get him to forget about that episode.

6 years later, when FiL was showing signs of degrading in health, SiL was able to manipulatively (and covertly away from my stbx) through an act of perceived ability to get FiL additional monies out of investment stock, got FiL to sign new PoA's putting SiL in charge of health and financial decisions, which nullified the previous PoA's in my stbx's name.  SiL then blocked my stbx from any decision-making as he was hospitalized, and SiL legally moved and kept their father in very poor nursing home conditions until he gave up any hope of getting out. When his hope ran out, he died 1 month later. 

PD's are very skilled at manipulation!  Well done Bloomie!

SoT

[Cat of the Canals]

I always expect end of life issues to be the one thing that might "get through" to PDs. If not death, then what? So far, I have always been disappointed.

I consider you a "boundary role model" and take so much inspiration from your posts. So it's no surprise to me that you and your husband are acting with such grace in the face of your SIL/BIL's selfish behavior. Your MIL probably doesn't know how lucky she is to have the both of you there to keep her safe from the vultures.

[Adria]

Wow!!! Bloomie,     

I can't believe how eloquently you can write with all that you are going through right now.  Dh and I will be coming up on something similar very soon as his mother is deteriorating quickly, and his PD bil and NARC sil will turn it into a three ring circus, as well.  Dh and I read your posts together and you have given us much insight and strength to deal with what we are headed for with his family, so thank you for sharing.

Keep growing, reading, learning, equipping yourselves my friends. Keep having those hard conversations with your partners and finding your own plumb line and LOC in each of your challenging in law relationships. And I am learning right now, to be discerning and wise and not make assumptions. The spiritual work of doing all I can to let things go and not have a hardened heart is serving me in this time. By The grace of God my heart is soft and my shield is firmly in place all at the same time.

That is one for the books.

Hang in there, Bloomie. Our prayers are with you. You are such an inspiration. Even though they most likely can't recognize it right now, you are a blessing to them.  And, in the end, you will be blessed for your courage and grace.

[treesgrowslowly]

Cheering you on from here Bloomie! You are doing great with a really stressful situation.

Trees

[chowder]

Wishing you all the best, Bloomie.  You have such grace and courage, and you will get through this while still being true to yourself and doing what is best for all.  Sending you hugs.

[bloomie]

Some observations as we continue to hold vigil... one person, one disordered, anxious, dominating person who is out of their element and facing a huge loss of control can create more chaos and confusion than 17 clowns getting in and out of a tiny car.

At a time where the goals are calm, peace, creating an atmosphere of comfort and spiritual rest, uPDsil is so out of sync with the rest of the family and her own mother's final needs it is painful. Every word and action is a "look at me" bid for attention. Noise! So. Much. Noise! 

Sil went to her home for a few days to "get her medication". And the calm and quiet that followed is profound.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Some observations as we continue to hold vigil... one person, one disordered, anxious, dominating person who is out of their element and facing a huge loss of control can create more chaos and confusion than 17 clowns getting in and out of a tiny car.

At a time where the goals are calm, peace, creating an atmosphere of comfort and spiritual rest, uPDsil is so out of sync with the rest of the family and her own mother's final needs it is painful. Every word and action is a "look at me" bid for attention. Noise! So. Much. Noise!

This is exactly what I am experiencing with my sister. It makes absolutely everything more difficult than it already is. I am reading all posts here and gathering useful information/ strategies.

[SonofThunder]

Amazing how the foundational narcissistic PD motive of 'self' rules the disordered, even in the face of a time of loss and compassion for the truly suffering. 

SoT

[Leonor]

Hi Bloomie,

I am so grateful for your wisdom and the kind, supportive, and insightful messages I received from my fellow out-of-foggers when my FIL passed. The noise and triggers and upset brought my own marriage to the brink, and made me look really hard at who I was and what I wanted and how I wanted to move forward in the world.

I'm here with you as your in law enters end of life care and your sil falls hard into her most destructive patterns. We are once again on a similar journey; my mil is losing memory and sil is taking every opportunity to swindle money, property, anything ... while confusing and complicating mil's care.

I'm sitting this one out. I want to be able to comfort my kids when their Grandma passes and support my DH in the loss of his surviving parent. The only way I can do that is stay as far away from all of it as possible. DH is in contact, and I  at some of sil's schemes, but not one iota comes into my home, my peace of mind, or between us.

My hopes for you, Bloomie, is that your mil passes in peace, that your sil's behavior does not disturb that peace too much, and that you and your DH weather this storm with the same love, grace, and commitment that you have established over the course of your partnership.

Sitting here with you!