Another crappy holiday

[cant turn back]

Shitty Halloween.  Glad it's over.

It is ExH's custodial week with DD16, however, this year I get Halloween, which I have been eagerly anticipating..  I picked up DD16 from school.  We chat, distant, disconnected talk, as we haven't been together or talked for 3 days, emotional distance..  I ask her about her plans for the night, where is her costume, what time is she meeting her friends, what time is her party, is she still having a sleepover at her friend's house, etc..  She says "everything is at dad's and I really wanted to get ready over there so I could take a picture with— (the puppy) in her costume".. Further, her friend got in trouble so she can't sleep over at the friend's house anymore so DD16 and her other friend want to just go to ExH's house to sleep, instead of coming to my house, as would otherwise be the plan, per our schedule.. she has various 'reasons' for wanting to go there.  I know they like being at his house more for sleepovers.  He says "no" less, fewer rules, plus, the puppy is a magnet.  Plus, it is "her house", emotionally her place and at this point in his custodial week, she is just used to being there (I do kinda get that)..nonetheless...

I say little, excuse myself and proceed to bawl and have the biggest emotional breakdown in my bedroom.  Legit next level upset.  (Honestly, in retrospect, I was not expecting this, I was blindsided, I was totally geared up for Halloween, seeing her dressed up, etc).. thus, I lost my shit.

After 15-20 minutes I compose myself and return to find her quietly crying on the couch.  We talk and cry.  She is upset that this is her life, choosing between her parents, always knowing she is letting someone down.  She says she cried half the day at school knowing this was going to happen.  I tell her how sorry I am and how I have really blown this day.  I tell her I am always trying to be strong enough to weather these storms (a poker face) so our line of communication will remain  open and I don't make her feel this way on my watch.  Today I failed miserably.  She says "you and dad always say 'whatever you want', but you don't really mean it".  She cries and says it's not fair, I just want a normal family like all my friends have.  I tell her that I'm sorry my choices have caused this but I couldn't go on the way it was, faking my way through life, living a lie.  And that I needed to live more honestly.  I likened it to our conversation and I told her that I thought she was strong and brave for saying what she wanted even though she knew it was going to upset me.  I don't think it's a coincidence that it is always ME whom she feels most comfortable to let down.  I'm sure she walks on eggshells with her dad.. she learned from her mom, a master.  And, she knows I can take it (can I ??)

I ask her if she and her dad talk about this stuff.. looking for any type of insight as to how they interact.  She says "no, we never talk about it". 

We talk a bit more.  I take her to her dad's and drop her off.  And, that's a wrap on my Halloween with her.

So she's safe and comfortable to have these tense and hard discussions with me (positive), but will she ever be able to stand up to her dad and say what's on her mind?  Or, will I be the one giving everything up forever because it's easier to let me down versus him?  I want to vomit at the false sense of inflated ego this Halloween win must be giving him.  I want to vomit with the writing on the wall that at 18 she will choose to live with him full time (it's all but guaranteed) at this point.  I want to vomit that it is 'out there' amongst her friends, that they would rather go to his house versus my house.  I want to vomit that I was responsible for basically everything in her life for the first 14 years and now she is slipping away from me, my influence over her... I'm losing her.  Will we ever be close again or will she be under his roof, taking care of fun-time daddy (the victim) forever?  Why didn't I just choose to fake it for four or five more years?  This is just excruciating for me, and, seeing what it's doing to her, because of my choices..  it's just a bad night.

Seeking words of wisdom and encouragement.  Please.

[athene1399]

Can't turn back, I am so sorry. You were so excited and things didn't go as planned. No wonder you lost it.

We had kind of a similar situation. SD starting feeling more at home with BM who was the "fun" parent. She'd rather do the birthday party with her friends there. Even if it was our night to have her, she would switch to be at BM's. It felt like she knew she could hurt our feelings but couldn't let down BM. Maybe she didn't know how hurt it made us every time she ditched us. And she'd always feel guilted about the dog at BM's whenever she was at our place. BM would text her pictures of him and say how much he is missing her.

Things seem different now that she's living at the university. I also think her spending most of last year exclusively at BM's helped. They argue a lot now. LIke SD18 doesn't like taking BM's crap and finds her childish antics embarrassing.

When I was going through what you are experiencing (and I'm the step mom, so I'm not going to pretend I know exactly what it's like because she is not my child), I would try to find an outlet for it. Usually when BM pisses me off I clean. Also, I kept all of SD's programs from her award ceremonies and concerts, so when she would ditch us I would work on putting it all in a scrap book. Finding a way to show her I loved her even if she wasn't there felt important to me and made me feel a bit better .I gave her the book at her high school graduation. I didn't tell her why I started doing it, but she really appreciated it. And on bad days like you were experiencing where we felt that no matter how hard SO and I try, BM always wins, I would remind myself that just because things suck now doesn't mean they will always be this way. I kept hope that one day things would be different. Like keeping focus on the end game. That helped me a lot. Things aren't always different (like sometimes she still ditches us for BM after we already have plans), but sometimes they are different/better.

And even though you were heartbroken over her wanting to stay at dad's, you had a great conversation with her and were able to open up about some things.

It's tough being the better, more mature parent. It feels like we hardly ever win in situations like this. I hope you are feeling better today.

[cant turn back]

Thank you Athene.

YES, exactly, with the guilt inducing pictures and videos of the puppy when it's my custodial week with  DD16 and her dad wants her to know how much 'the puppy' misses her.  It's completely nauseating how ExH manipulates so DD16 will long to be there with them. 

While more and more she does appear to prefer being at a her Dad's house, a part of me does really believe that for DD16 is it mostly about the creature comforts of being "at home" and being with the puppy, way more so than any type of deep connection with ExH.  But, as those things are connected to him, he wins.  In the long run will my long-standing deeper emotional connection be enough to sustain our relationship?  When DD16 is 20-25-30, no longer living with parents, or with the puppy, will the playing field be leveled such that DD16 and I will enjoy a happy m, fun, and fulfilling mom-daughter relationship?  Or will ExH's manipulative victim mentality prevail over me and my standing with DD16?

YES, the 'end game'.  I do feel like at this point that's what I'm shooting for, that as DD16 grows and matures she will have more insights than she has now and she will glean strength from watching me be strong and living my truth.   Though more often than not in the past month I don't feel strong at all. 

[sevenyears]

  CTB, you're doing an awesome job. The fact that your daughter can share her feelings with you speaks volumes. It sounds like you are well on your way to a good end game. She might move in with your ex for a while. Most likely, she'll see him/her for who s/he is and move out sooner rather than later.

Your choices were in reaction to the actions of a pd x spouse. You made the best choices you could given the circumstances. You are strong. And, yes, it sucks to have to make these choices. And, it sucks for your daughter too, and you acknowledged that to her and let her know how strong she is. Can you teach her about making the right choices? And, that you trust her to make good choices? Not when she is faced with a hard one - in general. That way, when she has a difficult choice, she feels more secure? (IMO, a teenager will almost always choose the path of least resistance, and the one leading to the most fun/least responsibility).   

Athene - the book of programs for graduation is a beautiful idea.

[hhaw]

CTB:

I echo what the other posters are saying... you're likely the parent who loves unconditionally, casting less guilt, stronger, etc.

That dd can speak to you, about these gut wrenching things is a testament to her connection with you.  Keeping those lines open, speaking your peace, validating her feelings, and most of all... teaching her how to adjust her sails, and find meaning and purpose in your life..... weather the COWs.... Crisis Of The Week...... so she learns how.... is priceless.

SHe's learning how her father poses as a victim to get his needs met.  That won't be what her mother teaches her.  What mom models..... what will that be, going forward? 

My 17yo dd wants to be elsewhere at Halloween, and it's a pattern.  Even though she can have a party here, roast marshmallows over a fire, and enjoy the best darned scary house in the neighborhood....  she doesn't.  It's gutting, but I remind myself that she's shifting to her friend group, and away from me.  It's normal.  I want the process to take place, and realize it's necessary for her to grow up, be OK at college, and care for herself..... but I also see my codependence traits IN her.   It's OK for your dd to love her father... and that has to be the message you send.   It's also OK to feel sad that you spend less time with dd, and to talk about it without making her feel guilty, or asking her to change.  For  me, sharing the message that my girls are capable, and competent.... that I trust them to make good decisions is something I wish I'd done more of through the years.  I try hard to send that message NOW.

I modeled codependence for years too, and now I'm dealing with it, and gently trying to show her those places in her own behavior, particularly with a boyfriend.  For you, the codependence is with her father.... or so it seems.  And we DID THAT. We can learn to undo it.  Grow beyond it.  Practive healthy boundaries, and enforce them without emotions, and our k iddos learn something better.  I like Pia Melody's books on overcoming codependence.   THey get right to the point, no faffing around, IME.

I'm sorry it's so shattering to "lose" to the exPD... or feel as though you are, IME.  To think he's gloating... ugh.   Such a hard place to live, IME. 

The thing is... there's nothing to be gained when we're in that space, IME.  We're better off SOOPHING.... staying out of other people's heads, IME.  it doesn't matter what the exPD is thinking, or feeling.  What matters is what you're doing, and how you're taking care of yourself... finding things that bring you joy.   There are so many other ways to spend your time, even though years in  a bad marriage have built patterns and believe systems... you can overcome those, and build something new... NOW.

I promise you... shifting your attention to your inner world,  and you seem very competent at doing that, then tending to it... finding your groove again..... will shift the tone between you and your dd, IME.

My girls hug me more, talk to me more, share more when I'm busy with self-care, tending to myself, learning how to relieve tension and stress in my own life..... they FEEL it, and respond to it positively.  It's not magic.  It's hard work to stop, and change old patterns of what used to be my  WORRY WORRY WORRY coping strategy  NOW shifting into a DO WHAT I CAN, THEN DROP ALL EXPECTATION AROUND THE TOPIC coping strategy.... just get on with what's in front of me.... in this moment. 

It frees us up, and provides more ease in BEING, iME.  Kids pick up on our energy.  They can FEEL the tension, IME.  That you and your dd were feeling so very sad isn't the way things have to be.  You talked about it!  WIth compassion for yourselves and each other!  That's an amazing connection, and that's the connection that parents strive for, IME.  It's difficult to speak about painful things, IME.   You're teaching your child how to DO that, and it reminds me of the book THE PARALLEL PROCESS, which is helpful in so many ways when parenting teens, IME.  It's geared toward addicted teens, but honestly, we;re all addicted to something if you think about it.  We're human beings.

Part of that feeling bettter, where we are right now,  is embracing massive self-compassion, and nonjudgmental attention and focus on what's going on INSIDE US.  If I shift into observation mode, drop all judgment, and get very curious about what's going on, my energy shifts, anxiety and pain drop away, and my brain moves to what's BEHIND the fear, and tension, IME.  I move beyond the difficulty, and feel SO much relief.  In a way, it does feel like magic.

Don't fear what hasn't happened yet, if you're aware of what appears as a worry worry worry coping strategy.  It's just a story, and that story isn't real. .  It robs you of energy, and this limited time you have on earth.  There are better ways to spend these fleeting moments that will never come again.  Joy to embrace, and model for dd, IME. THAT's what's real, and that's where you'll find your joy. 

I think of it as keeping my head where my feet are.  Bringing myself back to my body, and out of the racing mind syndrome of WHAT IFs that keep me spinning.  Centering myself..... I have arrived...  I am home.... I am safe.  Our kids are growing up, and entering their own adult world in any case.  We all suffer empty nest syndrome of a sort.  Yours is more complicated bc of the exPD,  but it's something we all deal with, IME. 

I don't want to spin any more.  I don't want to teach my children to spin, and WORRY WORRY WORRY..... I want them to do what they can, then release expectation, knowing they've done their best, and can do no more.... it IS enough.  They are enough. 

You too are enough, and you deserve joy now that you're free of your unhealthy marriage.  What dreams did you have, outside those involving your dd?  It's time to dig deep, drop the old chains and limiting belief systems, and look around.  You have choices, and the power to excercise that choice. 

I think we fail to SEE the self limiting belief systems in place..... and they're just stories.... not real at all.  When we've been mired in PD relationship for so long... we get stuck in patterns of thinking and BEING.   That doens't have to true going forward. 

Working on yourself will hwlp dd to feel easier in her skin.... on her way to college, and shifting into dependence on her peer group, away from you AND the ExPD..... is just a natural part of life.  Not something you win or lose with the PD.  Just a truth to be accepted, IME.  It's OK. 

You're going to be OK. 

Work on finding your own bliss.... something motherhood, codependence, and living with a disordered spouse crushes, IME.......
learning to heal yourself, with massive self compassion, and non judgmental attention to your inner world.... to grow beyond the fear.  That's a state of mind worth researching, IME. . 

Model THAT for your dd is priceless, IME: )

::sending tsunamis of compassion, and strength for what comes next::.

You are going to be OK, even if it's not OK. 

It's OK. 

Trust that, and stay out of the stories, as you can. 

Good luck.

[Penny Lane]

So sorry CTB.

Both teenagers and PD exes are incredibly hard to deal with while maintaining your sanity. You have both at once.

No advice (hhaw covered it) but lots of hugs. I hope things get easier for you soon.