Thinking of writing a letter of advice

[Associate of Daniel]

.... to my ds12 (almost 13).

He will be living with his uNPD father and uNPD smum from next year.

I'd like to write a letter that he can keep with him there. One that states something like

"your smum demands
an inordinate amount of attention and your father never attempts to resolve any issues. Don't take their behaviours personally."

What do you think? Should I write something like that to him?  I just want to warn him before he moves in with them.

AOD

[hhaw]

You can teach those lessons without tying it to his father and smother, IMO.

It's likely he won't be able to keep anything secret at his father's house, so I'd be very careful about providing anything that can be used as evidence in future court hearings, IME.

I think the book THE 4 AGREEMENTS would be a good jumping off point for teaching some of the lessons your son needs to learn at this point in his life.  You can talk about his personal situation, but I'd be very careful about mentioning the PDs in writing.  Maybe you can use the word "people" in a more general way, after speaking out loud about specific people?

I'm not sure, but my heart goes out to you, and a mother's protective heart. 

You can't fix everything for D.  You can't protect him always.   Please breathe, and trust that D is a strong young man, capable,, and worthy of your trust.   

Let that be another message you share with him. 

[StayWithMe]

I agree with @hhaw, anything in writing can be used against you. How often can he spend time with you?

[Emmy]

I am not sure if I would write a letter. I would rather keep the communication and the dialog with my child open.
I probably would have a conversation with him before he starts living with them, but I would rather ask him questions about his expectations instead of giving him my opinions or advice. Just to try and make him think about the situation and about the people he is going to live with.
Someone once told me that boys need to search for their identity with their fathers, as that is just what my son did when he moved out when he was 14 years old. I tried to warn him, but he would not listen and my warnings and advice did not help our relationship either.
If you want to write him a letter I would rather write one that expresses your love for him, that you are always there for him, whatever matters, and that your home will stay his home as well.
It is a very hard situation for you now the time comes near, and my heart goes out to you. As a mum, we just want to protect our children, but sometimes we just can't. And that feels horrible.
But he is a smart and strong boy, I am sure he will come to you when life at his dad does not match his expectations.

[athene1399]

I agree with the others. If you want him to hold onto something that reminds him you care, just write him a letter about how much you love him no matter what and that he always has a place at your house. And he can come to you to talk about anything if he wants to. I wouldn't mention anything about the PDs.

I feel there are life lessons to be learned that apply to the PDs, but I would suggest having a conversation about it and keeping it general. Like someone said, discuss things that "some people" may do and how we should respond to that. Maybe discuss boundaries, but in a "if you're friends or others pressure you into doing something you don't want to, it's ok to say no". Or "you're allowed to have your own personal space".

Him knowing what his dad and sm are is something he has to discover on his own. In his own time IMO.

I'm sure your nerves are on edge about him living there. But him knowing that you still love him, even after he made the decision to live with dad, will help him. And I'm sure if things come up, you will be there if he needs you.

[hhaw]

How are you doing, AOD?

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, everyone.

You're all right of course. 

Ds and I have been having the occasional discussion about the pds' behaviour and how to handle it, both about people in general and regarding specific situations that have occurred with his uNPD father and uNPD smum.

He is noticing things about his dad but doesn't realise that these are ongoing behaviours and that he (ds) will need to find a way to deal with them on a daily basis rather than on a visitation basis.

Hhaw - I try not to think too much about next year.  I'm trying to enjoy every minute I have with ds while I still have him.  I am rather fragile though.  Having to navigate the whole inlaw thing lately has taken a bit of a toll.  I'll be glad when 2019 is over, despite the black hole I think I'm heading into.

A sad but ironic thing has happened too.  The principal of ds's new school died suddenly last weekend.  So it will be interesting to see what tone the replacement principal will bring to the school.  Maybe it will all go in a direction that ds doesn't like and he'll want to return to living with me...

Just a note to those interested:  Ds's name isn't Daniel. I never even thought that inference would be made!

I chose the name as Daniel from the Bible was persecuted for his faith.  I relate somewhat to him as my pds will often attack me for my faith.

AOD

[Stepping lightly]

Hi AoD,

Agree with the others, but I think it will mean more if you take the opportunities in person to teach him.  Although it may not seem like it now, you will still be able to have an impact on him next year.  I'm guessing you will have something like an EOW schedule?  Sorry if I missed this, haven't been on as frequently recently.

As hard as it is, it could actually create a situation where DS begins to see things clearly.  It will be hard no doubt, but just make sure he knows you are always there to support him.  We have worried about my DSS, he is the SG at BM's and during the year we only have EOW.  As hard as his day to day experience seems to be at BM's, he's really grown emotionally, and we see him making healthy choices for himself.  He's 12, and he seems to see the situation quite clearly (his sister, the GC, sadly does not).  We have taught him that people's behavior is not a reflection of him, but a reflection of themselves- and there is no need to escalate emotionally to match someone else's behavior/emotions.  He's actually learning it- he's the sweetest, most thoughtful kid...struggling to make it through....but I see a bright future...if we can support him in getting there.

[hhaw]

Ahhhhh.... son NOT Daniel.  Got it; )

How are things going with the In Laws?

[StayWithMe]

I think an ongoing dialogue with your son will be more useful.  Also, when face to face, you will get an idea as to how much he can process at a time.