I put my phone on silent, but felt awful!

[feenix]

I'm doing my best to take care of my u/PD parents, who are both in their 90's, she has diagnosed dementia, he also seems to have it, but being the N, it's unlikely he will seek out help, he is also now legally blind, he still has some vision, but it was this which caused him to lose his ability to drive about a year ago. I have recently started to suspect that she is u/BPD, has been all her life, but the attention has always been on him as the bad guy, with her being the helpless enabling victim. I wish I could go NC, for my own health and sanity, but there really isn't anyone else willing or able to help them. I have arranged as much home help for them as they are willing to accept, but there's just some things family has to handle, if at all possible. I have my own health concerns and limitations, but my sister is sicker than me and has stopped driving, she rarely leaves her own house due to anxiety and depression. She does what she can remotely and I'm the hands on person. We have both been through intense periods of poor health, leaving us bed bound for years at a time and barely able to take care of ourselves. My sister was never married and I have been divorced from a N for about 16 years, we both live alone and have very little social support. I sometimes have a suspicion that this is what our parents wanted for us, to have no other attachments or responsibilities apart from them. Ironically, they both left their country of origin, their own parents and extended families and brought us as young children half way across the world to live. They took no responsibility for taking care of their own parents as they aged, they completely abandoned them.
It's impossible to tell where their genuine cognitive decline ends and the personality disorders begin. I could write pages and pages about the crazy making chaos, and the negative effects on me, between the 2 of them, and me desperately trying to disentangle myself from a childhood of manipulation and programming, it's like living in an altered dimension at times. I feel like I'm trying to extricate myself from a cult, but keep getting dragged back in.
I was over there Thursday, to pick up dad's glasses, which had broken, he said they had just broken by themselves while they were on his face and had fallen onto the table in front of him. What he said didn't make sense, but with him, it doesn't need to, reality is whatever he says it is. I had been summoned by him, through her to come and fix them earlier in the week. So I had taken a look, said I couldn't fix them and told him he needed to call the vision assistance place to find out what the process was for getting them repaired. He grumbled at me and said he can't call anyone because he can't see, ignoring the fact that he makes calls when it suits him. He recently phoned a plumber to fix their toilet, then lied to my sister and me about paying him $3000. because that's what he charged and he didn't have a choice. When the receipt for $350. was produced, he still insisted that he gave him $3000. and went into detail about how he got the money out of the safe and counted it out and that he knew how much he gave him and how dare I question him..... He was so convincing, mum was shaking her head at me, trying to let me know it wasn't true. But at the end of it I was totally confused, angry and feeling guilty for not being there to help, but he hadn't called me for help, how was I to know. I got quite angry at him for not asking for help, and told him not to engage trades people by himself and to call me. He had told me he got ripped off when selling his car earlier in the year, because he can't see and so people take advantage of him. Later I heard from my mother that he had called that same plumber back because the toilet got blocked again, he still wasn't calling me for help, but continuing to complain about being taken advantage of, which may or may not be true. 

Then there is my mother, she can see just fine and is an expert at making calls, she makes them to me, all the time, daily, sometimes multiple times a day.


Dad subsequently lied to my daughter, his granddaughter, saying I had refused to look at his glasses and that I wasn't helping at all. He also told my daughter the truth about the cost of the plumbing. That's when it became clear that he was still playing mind games with me, at 94 years old, dependent on me for help, he's still torturing me for whatever kicks he gets out of it. Calling it torture might seem like an exaggeration, but it feels like that because he's got me in a double bind, there's no way out. My conscience wont let me abandon him completely, and while I'm having contact with him, he has access to my buttons which he has become an expert at pushing, for his own warped satisfaction. It seems that getting his narcissistic needs met for control and manipulation is more important than having respect for the one person who is taking care of his comfort and survival.

I told them I wouldn't be coming over this weekend because I have to get pruning done before this weeks collection. I said to call me if there's an emergency. I usually go over on the weekends to collect bills to pay and to check on them, but since I was there on Thursday, it wasn't necessary.
The next day the calls start.Would I go and get them some bread? Why didn't I go over, am I sick? Why didn't I call back? Please would I call and let her know I'm ok!

Mum refuses to leave the house now since she lost her car and licence because of her dementia diagnosis. Up until then she was going out almost daily to buy a few groceries as she ran out of things. They have meal delivery service for dinners, and now, my sister handles their grocery delivery online. They have a freezer and fridge full of food, they can call my sister to place a grocery order, but instead I get called and expected to be an instant personal shopper. I ignored the messages she left, but felt guilty, triggered, I'm a bad daughter etc.
Then more calls, the next day, and the next. I didn't answer, but listened to the messages in case of an emergency. It was all nonsense, felt like manipulation.... I put my phone on silent, then texted my sister and asked her to message me if there was an emergency. Then I proceeded to fight with my guilt for the rest of the weekend as I distracted myself with my garden chores.

I sent her a simple text message this morning saying I was fine, but that I've been busy. She replied with 'ok'.... and for some reason, that also triggers negative emotions in me. I start feeling sorry for her and second guessing myself. She recently said to me that she doesn't enjoy her life much anymore either, but that she looks forward to my visits. I probably would visit her more often if it wasn't for him and the crazy dynamic between the 2 of them. They are like a symbiotic toxic tag team of crazy making. But without him, about 50% of the time, she is actually pleasant company.

I could write a book about how difficult it's been, navigating the chaos of dealing with 2 ageing undiagnosed PD parents, as they decline, loose control and direct all their own negativity onto each other and me as I struggle to help them, while attempting to hang onto my own sanity.

Some of the key issues ongoing right now:
Dad no longer wants to live, and makes a point of letting everyone know this regularly. But he can't be bothered going through the process of doing what he needs to do to 'end his suffering' legally. He's not actually in pain or suffering in any real sense. He still has his flying monkeys and family running around after him. I think he just resents the fact that he got old and can't do everything he used to do, and is limited in the amount of attention and admiration he can get now.

Mum refuses to leave the house, now that she no longer has her car or licence. Up until just over 6 months ago she was driving herself to a gym several times a week and working out with a seniors group, going out for coffee with them and driving around locally. She was physically healthy, but now she says she can't walk further than her front gate. I got her a walking frame so she could walk to the park at the end of the street, or even just around the block. Both me and my sister have offered to take her places. She wont even leave the house to go to the doctor, and they keep sending letters saying she is due for various checks. It was a shock when she got the bad news about losing her licence, I was with her at the time, it was a shock for me also, and I argued with the doctor, it seemed arbitrary, she has never even had a near accident and was only driving very locally during the day. Her memory issues are related to things not really relevant to driving safety, but that's what happened. But mum wasn't prepared to go through the process of fighting the decision, she could have tried to retain her licence through a special driving course and exam, but decided not to. She has resisted our encouragement to learn how to ride dad's mobility scooter, so she could get out and about again, but she says she is happy just staying at home now. Which wouldn't be so bad, if they had a happy, functional relationship between the 2 of them. But it's the usual dysfunctional cycles of honeymoon, buildup of tension, explosion and then a cold war for varying lengths of time, with her venting about him to anyone who will listen, daily. This has been going on for 70 years!

This was the role model of a relationship which my sister and me were born into, and these days we are both trying to heal and build better lives for ourselves, while still navigating the original crime scene out of a sense of responsibility.

I know there are no easy or simple solutions. Just looking for some validation and emotional support I guess.

Thank you for reading.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh! You have my support and validation! Sending you a big hug. And kudos to you for sticking with your plan for pruning and keeping the phone on silent, even if you were troubled by fear, obligation and guilt. All of us here know that emotional turmoil better than we care to.
 

[bloomie]

feenix - your parents are blessed beyond measure to have you and your sister doing all you are doing to care for them. This all sounds so hard and layered with years of pain and wounds from the interactions with them.

Caregiver burnout is a real thing and I am wondering if there is anything you are able to do for yourself? Have you thought about contacting your local senior center to see if there is a caregiver support group you could benefit from? Possibly the organization that is delivering meals would have other resources such as rides, etc.?

Silencing your phone is what self care looks like when your parents seem unable or unwilling to limit their calls and demands to truly necessary things. You are guilty of nothing.

I am so glad you reached out and shared with us and yet, so sorry for all you are facing with this. Sending you strength and wisdom and a huge hug!!

[feenix]

Thank you notrightinthehead and bloomie, your comments and support are kind and helpful, I do feel validated.
My mother has stopped calling me, I had a suspicion that she was angry at me and sulking, and my sister confirmed it, she spoke to her yesterday and mum complained about me not going over there, saying that I don't care about them. She asked my sister what I was so busy doing. She also said that I had told them I wasn't going there this weekend, which makes me realise that she did remember, she just pretended to me that she didn't know.

This conflict by triangulation is an old patten and it drives me crazy, our family never speaks directly to the person we have a problem with. My mother has always played the people pleaser, helpless victim role, she's the good guy and we have to feel sorry for her and come to her rescue, but the reality is, she has a very nasty, mean and rejecting side when things don't go the way she wants. I remember as a child if I got upset and cried, she would rage at me and lock me in my room and ignore me for hours. Then she would come in my room hours later and tell me if I had learned how to behave properly, I could come out, and she would be cold towards me until the next day.

I guess her borderline abandonment anxiety kicked in, even though it was only 4 days since I was over there, and she projected it onto my sister rather than deal with it. I don't know what goes on in her head, I never have, there's very little emotional honesty, its all manipulations with a different story depending on who she's talking to. She has no boundaries, and wants to engulf me, talks to me like I have no individual identity, she ignores anything I say which isn't part of her personal reality and tries to make me be like her, then gets angry and rejecting if she doesn't get what she wants, in such a way as to make herself the helpless victim, and me the villain, saying I don't care about them.

It would be amusing if it wasn't so emotionally damaging and triggering. It would be sad if it wasn't so horrifically dysfunctional. Years ago, before the cognitive and physical decline kicked in, for both of them, I tried to encourage them to seek counselling for their relationship, I tried to model more functional behaviour, I did the best I could to change my own reactions to their dysfunction, I had hope that they could change, would want to change. But came to realise that while their behaviour continued to work for them, there would be no incentive to change, and now it's much too late. Neither of them has any self insight and their stubborn refusal over the years to even consider there was anything wrong with themselves or that they could do things in a better way has resulted in what we are dealing with today. It's that proverbial slow motion train wreck which my sister and me now get to watch, helplessly, with me being blamed for it.

The silver lining to all this is that I can now see it for what it really is and know that it isn't my fault, and never was. They might have cast me in the role of their scapegoat, to avoid having to be accountable or take responsibility for their own imperfections, but I can reject that role now and give it back where it belongs. They will never change now, it's too late, but I'm not letting them bring me down with them, and I know that's what they want, maybe not consciously, but I feel it coming from them whenever I'm in their presence.

[Sneezy]

It's impossible to tell where their genuine cognitive decline ends and the personality disorders begin.

This is so true - the overlap between cognitive decline and personality disorders is a terrible thing to deal with.  It is also difficult to distinguish normal age-related cognitive decline (for example, we all struggle with some forgetfulness as we get older) and dementia.  And then there are all the different types of dementia, each with its own symptoms and progression.

We sometimes think that our parents' behavior isn't as "bad," or that they are less responsible for their behavior if it is caused by dementia or old age.  But I'm not sure I agree with that.  If their behavior is harmful to us, regardless of what is causing the behavior, then we have to care for ourselves and set appropriate boundaries.  I'm not saying that we shouldn't be attuned to sudden changes in our parents' behavior - for example, the sudden onset of hallucinations could be caused by a UTI.  But when their behavior is ongoing, manipulative, mean-spirited, and harmful, then I don't think it matters exactly what the underlying cause is.  What matters is protecting our own mental and physical health.

That's where turning off your phone comes in.  Do it!  Keep it off for as long as you need to.  There is nothing you need to know immediately.  My mom knows my phone is on "do not disturb" from 9 p.m. to 9 a.m. every single day and it irritates her to no end.  She asks me what will happen if there is an emergency, to which I told her to call 911.  I am completely serious about this.  A true emergency necessitates a call to 911, and everything else can wait until a reasonable hour the next day, after I've had a good night's sleep and my morning coffee.  My mom, of course, thinks this is incredibly selfish of me, and I do still feel some guilt about it.  But there is nothing better than a solid 8 hours of blissful sleep, and so I push the guilt aside and turn my phone off.

Good luck, feenix - keep setting those boundaries and take care of yourself!