A high-school memory

[frogjumpsout]

Hi everyone,

When I first went NC a few years ago, people on this board helpfully told me that memories would start to resurface. Here's one that's not directly related to my family but has been bothering me for a couple weeks:

In high school, I had only one real friend, studied a lot, dressed plainly, was quiet and lonely. One day in gym glass, some boys a year older than I seemed to be flirting with me and another girl. These were "normal" boys -- smart, nice-looking, funny. I remember having a feeling of deep discomfort, like the boys had somehow been fooled into thinking I was normal, too, and that this was a terrible mistake of theirs.

In my family, I was sometimes treated like I was physically repulsive (like, if my hair didn't look right); however, the more general consensus was that I was pretty enough, but there was something wrong with me on the inside. So I guess I felt like I didn't deserve any kind of normal high-school relationship. A relationship with someone much older and creepy would have been okay; there was absolutely no pushback when that opportunity arose (thankfully, the dude in question got quickly bored.) Later, when I dated someone abusive, that relationship was heartily approved and my decision to break things off with him met with a lot of doubt.

I'm sad that I missed out on so many teenage experiences like dates, prom, a group of friends. I think I was tacitly told that I didn't deserve those things and that healthy people would reject me because of my mysterious interior defectiveness.

Thanks for reading!

I feel like these are probably familiar dy

[frogjumpsout]

Sorry, two more additions:
- There was a lot of keening and wailing from FOO throughout my youth about how I wasn't popular enough and didn't have a boyfriend. This started around age 11 as I recall. I didn't get invited to a New Year's party and this caused a lot of concern among my family. Do sixth graders really have New Year's parties?  I'm not sure.
- The other girl in the conversation with the "normal" boys ended up dating one of them. I feel silly being wistful about this but I feel like maybe I had a small chance then for some nice high school memories.  But maybe I didn't, programmed as I was.

[Cat of the Canals]

I feel silly being wistful about this but I feel like maybe I had a small chance then for some nice high school memories.  But maybe I didn't, programmed as I was.

I have similar feelings, frogjumpsout. I didn't date in high school either, partly because of those same "there's something wrong with me" feelings, but also because my mother is the engulfing type and I was mortified at the very idea of how she might interfere/insert herself in any relationship I might have had. Allowing me a certain level of privacy would have been out of the question. I couldn't even have a crush on a boy without her trying to befriend his mother at parent-teacher conferences, so I just gave up on the idea altogether/sabotaged anything that might have developed into something more than a friendship.

And I have also wondered if -- had I actually ended up dating anyone -- it might have been disastrous, given the deep insecurity and FLEAs I inherited.

[Pepin]

Similar scenario as well.  We were a well off family but I was prevented from fitting in with the majority of my peers by not being able to meet the dress code among other things.  I tried so hard to look like everyone else.  I'll never forget attending a dance with another invited school and I dressed my absolute best - and not one boy looked at me or asked me to dance...I thought it was because I wasn't wearing Guess Jeans because I didn't own any. 

When I got to college, I had more freedom to dress myself and spend money on what I felt was appropriate.  However, while I did attract some nice guys, they didn't meet my standards.  I had a right to be selective after what I went through after constant rejection.   

That being said, somehow I inherently knew that getting close to anyone would be highly scrutinized by NF and my siblings.  I had to wait until I was free of them to be able to do things on my terms and feel comfortable.

As a parent, it's been a bit soul crushing to look back on my younger self....realizing that what I went through was completely unfair and not normal.  My kids have had the freedom to do whatever they like without recourse.  And of course they can dress however they like because I'll never say no.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I can definitely relate to looking back at younger years and seeing aspects of youth that you missed or deliberately did not engage in because of your "mysterious internal defectiveness". You could not point to exactly what it was, but it was there, and it held you back. I get that.

I never wanted anyone to see what was wrong with me. I never wanted anyone to get that close. If a boy acted like he liked me, I felt sorry for him because he liked someone with such defects as me. I knew in time, he would figure it out and drop me. Mostly I was quiet, studious, and just too scared to talk to anyone for fear of ridicule. I withdrew into my own safety shield.
 
When the FOG lifted, I realized there never was anything wrong with me. I was appalled how my FOO had created such a negative and limited narrative about me and how it worked. Everyone bought into it. Of course, as kids I think it is mostly accepted and you act out of that instead of what is really true. I still kind of get chills because those angry and disdainful recordings still in my mind are of my mom and dad's voice. 
             
The good thing is, we figured it out. We can create a new narrative based in reality and that serves us.

[frogjumpsout]

Dear Cat, Pepin, and Blueberry,

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful responses. Cat, I can relate to the question about how dating might have gone, given what had already been planted in us by our FOOs. When I did start to date, it wasn't a smooth or fun process! Maybe things just don't work well as long as a person  is in daily contact with abusers. I also relate to the experience of an intrusive mother. My own mother still does an occasional full-court press on my partner, trying to become his best friend and guilting him about not reciprocating. Mind, I have been NC with her for three years now. She writes him emails that basically say, "You and I never had a problem, it was only Frog who was the problem. So why can't we hang out every day?"

Pepin, I wasn't there, but I wonder why your family didn't let you dress like your peers. I guess I suspect that they were trying to make you into an outcast to fit into a family narrative. I'm glad you were picky in college!!

Blueberry, yes, I have so many "recordings" too! I say awful things to myself before I realize what I'm doing. It's amazing to me that people can't think of anything better to do with their own children than to use them as dumping-grounds for their insecurities. Every child is worth so much more than that.

[easterncappy]

This is a very interesting topic to me.

I always thought there was something wrong with me, too. That I was inherently different than all of the other kids at school, and not in a good way. I remember lying a lot about my family origins because I knew something was wrong, even though I couldn't put any words to it, and I didn't want people to know about what was wrong. When I did date, they were mostly weird creepy men on the internet who were significantly older than me. I had tendencies towards extreme insecurity, extreme mistrust, and admittedly even behaved abusively in my first few relationships. I had no good example set for me on how to behave in a romantic context, and like others have said, all my mom ever did was give me all of her insecurities. I still struggle with these issues in my marriage, although I'm an adult and aware of why the issues exist and in therapy, so it's not nearly as wild of a ride as it was when I was 16 years old.

I feel like I mostly just tried to survive high school. Somewhere between thinking I'm inherently this defective unit, and the fact that my parents never cared enough to allow me to participate in basic high school activities, most of my memories of high school are very unimpressive.

[frogjumpsout]

easterncappy, thank you for sharing your story here! I really relate to it, especially, "tendencies towards extreme insecurity, extreme mistrust . . . " and the final comment: "most of my memories of high school are very unimpressive." I know I'm not alone here and I'm glad we both survived.

And thanks for sharing during a time that was hard in other ways for you. I hope you're doing all right.