Passive aggression?

[Twinkletoes88]

My sister keeps commenting on my social media posts with narky comments. They are all taking the micky out of me in some way. I hate it, I find myself responding and feeling extremely angry.

It happened again today. I ended up crying and feeling really ridiculous because I'm a grown woman and this all feels a bit pathetic.

However my husband pointed out that this behaviour is learnt from my mother. I'm now VVLC with my narc mother but he's right, she always used to pick on me, mainly about my appearance but she did poke at me constantly and she's never been happy for me. My sister cannot be happy for me either. When I got engaged or married, when we bought our first house etc - she near enough ignores the events and acts like it's nothing.

Meanwhile, I'm constantly trying to model a different way, a healthier way to her and I only show her love and encouragement etc. Since going NC and now VVLC with my mother, I've done a lot of therapy and a lot of work on myself and now it's hurting me so much to keep seeing so clearly that she is now picking on me and she's not happy for me like my mother!

How do I set boundaries with her without losing her completely? How can I stop these social media digs without just blocking her and causing more of an issue?

Any ideas?

[scapegoatnumerouno]

 Yes, this is passive aggression. 
That little picking and off-hand comments are much more than when they seem.  They are all meant to hurt your feelings.  They are all meant to throw off any love and care that you may have for yourself.  All meant to bring and keep you down.

I can't say what you should do.  I did unfriend my entire family from my facebook and that was basically the start of my one sister banishing me from that family.  This REALLY ticked her off I guess.  WOW.
BUT....was my banishment caused by me unfriending everyone....NO....it was caused by her NARC personality. 

I understanding you being hurt by her passive aggressive comments and I also understand you not wanting to lose her all together also.  It is possible that if you take that avenue of putting you down away from her she may react poorly.  May up the anti.  That is what my sister did.  BUT....at least in my case, this would have all happened eventually anyway.  These things always happen with NARC people in my opinion.

I guess it comes down to you going through the pros and cons of the situation.  Is your relationship with her worth going through the feelings that you are going through?

Sorry you are having to deal with this.  I understand the anger she is creating for you.......so does she....thats why she is doing it........

[StayWithMe]

I have collected some all purpose comebacks that can be useful and will set the other person sputtering

For example:
1.  Do you always need to have the last word?
2. I will do you a favor and let you have the last word..
3.  Why do you ask? (for when yo udon't know where one is going in their line of questioning or you just don't feel like answering)
4. And your point is........  (for when someone is saying stuff and you don't know where they're going with it)

In one of the many communication seminars I've attended, one piece of advice is to handle an insult by raising the level of discussion
Example:
Sister: Why do you have to wear that same old dress all the time?
You: Why do you feel the need to be so negative ..... all the time?

[Twinkletoes88]

Yes, this is passive aggression. 
That little picking and off-hand comments are much more than when they seem.  They are all meant to hurt your feelings.  They are all meant to throw off any love and care that you may have for yourself.  All meant to bring and keep you down.

I can't say what you should do.  I did unfriend my entire family from my facebook and that was basically the start of my one sister banishing me from that family.  This REALLY ticked her off I guess.  WOW.
BUT....was my banishment caused by me unfriending everyone....NO....it was caused by her NARC personality. 

I understanding you being hurt by her passive aggressive comments and I also understand you not wanting to lose her all together also.  It is possible that if you take that avenue of putting you down away from her she may react poorly.  May up the anti.  That is what my sister did.  BUT....at least in my case, this would have all happened eventually anyway.  These things always happen with NARC people in my opinion.

I guess it comes down to you going through the pros and cons of the situation.  Is your relationship with her worth going through the feelings that you are going through?

Sorry you are having to deal with this.  I understand the anger she is creating for you.......so does she....thats why she is doing it........

Hey, thanks so much for your message. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you've managed to find some peace now despite it all?

When I fell out with my narc mother and went no contact, my sister sided with her and vanished too. It's been just under two years since that happened and she's now the golden child because obviously I'm the scapegoat.

She used to pick on my therapy and one day I told her straight that I was setting a boundary that she was not to discuss my therapy with me AT ALL and she would not accept it but, since she has dropped it. Until Friday last week when on the phone she told me that we deal with things differently, that I take ages to get over things - because I am STILL in therapy 🙄

The comments on social media are stupid things. Calling me a hippie because I love yoga, telling me I'm sad for baking cakes.... telling me I'm old or boring when I tweet about programmes - that kind of thing. It's seemingly silly but it's grated on me so much.

I've realised she's doing what my mothers always done so I think I'm going to have to do something. The fact I cried my eyes out this morning tells me I've had enough of it. Next time I think I'll message her (not on social media!) and say "I do not like your comments on my posts/tweets - they are never nice or positive". If she carries on I will block her.

She doesn't handle boundaries well. I think she would end up sending me all sort of angry messages but I think it needs to be done. It's not okay and I'm fed up with it.

[Twinkletoes88]

I have collected some all purpose comebacks that can be useful and will set the other person sputtering

For example:
1.  Do you always need to have the last word?
2. I will do you a favor and let you have the last word..
3.  Why do you ask? (for when yo udon't know where one is going in their line of questioning or you just don't feel like answering)
4. And your point is........  (for when someone is saying stuff and you don't know where they're going with it)

In one of the many communication seminars I've attended, one piece of advice is to handle an insult by raising the level of discussion
Example:
Sister: Why do you have to wear that same old dress all the time?
You: Why do you feel the need to be so negative ..... all the time?

Hi!! Thank you for this - these are really helpful!! This morning's comment was telling me I sound common because I used a slang term (for a joke). I just sent a thumbs up emoji. 👍 I wanted to swear at her to be honest lol!!

It's just annoying. It's never, ever anything nice. Never. It doesn't matter what good thing happens to me - she can't bring herself to be nice to me or say well done or congratulations etc. It's tiring!

I think I'll try some of your ideas but also I'm going to tell her straight if she does it again. I'm almost willing her to haha!!!

[qcdlvl]

This morning's comment was telling me I sound common because I used a slang term (for a joke).

"And you sound bitter, petty, frustrated and envious, with your relentless negativity and passive-aggressive jabs."

However, I'd expect that she would either rage or double down. Ignoring her jabs is clearly not working, either. I suspect that, ufortunately, your choices boil down to putting up with it or blocking her, which is not your fault - if she were a reasonable person she could and would change her behavior.

[scapegoatnumerouno]

It kind of sounds to me that after no contact with her (due to your no contact with your mother) she got back in with you probably to "keep an eye on you".  Does that make sense?  I would guess that she feels much more comfortable playing somewhat nice with you because that keeps her in contact with your life.  If she is in contact with your life then she can still do damage to it.  I feel that she is picking at you and keeping your mood low.  Doesn't want you to be happy!! 

For what its worth, losing my entire family was very hard and sad.  BUT...I don't have to do any of it anymore.  I don't have to feel sick in my stomach or wonder whats being spread around about me any more.  I know that I'm still the talk of the family but I don't have to hear or feel it.  It brings A LOT of peace!!!

[bloomie]

Twinkletoes88 - these types of behaviors are challenging because they are thinly veiled criticisms that are quite aggressive. There is an underlying battle going on and we know it and respond to it on an emotional level. I am really sorry you are dealing with this with your sister and it potentially triggers you to past abusive communication from your mother as well.

For me, part of the emotional response is the frustration I feel - an almost trapped feeling that I have to put up with it. It is the powerless feeling that I have to rise above PA snarky comments and invalidation and not take the bait. To allow myself to be discouraged and derailed by a close family member's criticisms or lose the relationship. I have come to learn that there are potentially more options than that to try in communication challenges like these.

A couple of thoughts... take a break from social media for a few weeks. Stop posting for awhile to break the cycle and get your balance back and gather some tools and strategies in your back pocket for the next time this happens.

When you do go back to social media, if you decide to take a break, you can choose to gently and firmly address each and every snarky comment she makes, one at a time, and then move on with your day.

I have come to believe that it is important to call this kind of toxic behavior, done in front of other people, out. An example would be to publicly or privately - whatever is best for you, to say something like..."Sister, you don't have to resort to making passive aggressive comments and back handed compliments. If there is a criticism you would like to make or something you want to say to me don't be afraid to come right out and say it. I can take it. I'm a big girl." You are not asking her to stop. You are revealing the behavior. You don't have to enter into a back and forth with her and justify, argue, defend, or explain (see JADE in the glossary) your statement.

You are continuing to set the example that this is how adults communicate. They are direct and confident and do not allow negative and unproductive communication patterns to continue with others. You are elevating the way you communicate with your sister.

And if the snarky, envious remarks continue... you address them right in the FB feed each and every time...
For example...in response to calling you a Hippie you could respond with something like..."Sister, looks like another passy aggressy comment. Only positive vibes allowed my FB feed."

Your sister will either be able to adjust her behavior when she comes up against your boundary or not. Good luck with this!

[Whimzee]

I can relate to this so much. My sister does much the same to me--never kind, back-handed insults, one-upping, ignoring me on Social Media, and in family/friend settings. I am new here...reeling from dealing with my narcissistic, passive-aggressive, envious sister. I have a narcissist for a father--learned about him and what he is almost 20 years ago which was mind-blowing at the time. Weirdly, even though growing up, my sister was always mean and "difficult" with me(I look back now and see I was always bullied by her but had no name for it), in the last 10 or so years, she has become worse and it dawned on me that she is some kind of narcissist, too. To everyone else, though, she is a "character" and "so funny and nice", so there is never anyone I can talk to about her(besides my husband).

[40andfab]

This is so tough, I've been through something similar with social media and a narc sister; my only bit of advice (if you want to call it that) would be to completely ignore the negative comments. Only respond to positive comments left by her or others and completely ignore the negative ones. If she has narc tendencies she won't receive supply and she *may* stop if there is no reaction from you. What this does is stop giving fuel to her fire. If she doesn't stop or if it is way to stressful to you by all means use another method!

I like what bloomie says about confronting her, and if that feels right to you it may help. If she responds negatively, ask yourself if she wasn't your sister and was just a friend would you still friend her on social media? Or would you block someone who acted like that?

I think for me it really helped to realize that just because someone is related to me doesn't give them special rights to act abusively, whether it is covert or overt. In my experience part of the issue in recovering as a child or sibling of a narc is this belief or fear of retaliation. If you block her after sufficient warning to stop the snarky comments, whose fault is it? It's hers because she can't respect you.

In your post you mention being very loving and trying to model positivity with her, which is very kind and loving of you. Unfortunately, the best and most loving actions sometimes can't be reciprocated by a dysfunctional person, as sad as that is.

If you confront her, publicly or not, I really hope she comes around, but if she doesn't then you will have a better idea of what to do next whether that is to block her or take a break or whatever works for you.

[HeadAboveWater]

I've discovered the joy of the "soft block" on social media. On Facebook I created lists of people. I knew there were people I who were awkward commenters or who started fights with other followers in my mentions, so I relegated them to lists where they can only see things that I would be willing to share with the general public. On Twitter, I mute people. They can tweet to me all they want, but I'll never see it. On Instagram, you can block and then unblock someone. This drops them from your followers list, but they might not notice. If they search for you again, they can't tell that you ever blocked them. These measures all work without blocking someone outright.