This is just a vent.
My bro1 whom I suspect is a narc is supposedly coming out of jail at the end of the week. I'm not looking forward to this. He is already trying to convince me to do stuff for him, that he doesn't NEED me to do but (I'm only guessing) to see how much influence he has over me. None.
Previous experience with him from just last summer while I was in the beginning of my divorce is as follows:
- he abused and misused the privilege of me allowing him access to my van
- he has robbed me in several different ways
- did meth in my house in the presence of my autistic children
- left power tools plugged in, also in the presence of my children
- he would bring random strangers to my home, and keep them there for about 2 days at a time until he felt like taking them home ( they were using my shower, sleeping on my couch, painting my basement)
- every time he ran out of meth, he would lie down on my bathroom (only one at my house) floor, run the shower on cold, and demand people give him his insulin (type 1 diabetic), get him soda, and get him food, then refuse to move for at least 3 hours (yes the shower running the whole time, no one was allowed to use the toilet) or more which would happen at least twice a week
- lies like there's no tomorrow eg., he does tattoos sometimes to make extra money, so he told me he was giving a friend a small tattoo on her forehead, it would be 1/2 hour, in my kitchen just keep the kids away...well what happened was he set up tattoo equipment 1/2 hr before use then proceeded to have friend give HIM a large tattoo that covered his hand and took 5 hrs to do while STILL telling me it was only going to be 1/2 hr ( kitchen is not blocked off, so I had to physically block my kids for 5 1/2 hrs from the kitchen)
- attempted to break my face (literally punch my face in like on tv, if he did it I definitely would have had a broken nose) because I wouldn't call his girlfriend and explain why he wasn't going to give her back her very expensive vehicle (he was supposed to return it the night before, and he was doing the meth withdrawal, hang out in the bathroom thing), I did not know he had a girlfriend (he was saying her vehicle was his from a partnership deal, as in a job) so I didn't have her number
-I had to call the cops on him twice to make him leave due to his violent behaviour towards me, he got arrested the 2nd time because there were warrants out for his arrest
-has no problem running up my bills (his friends ran up my water bill by $400 once), wasting food (he would make himself food, he never bought any or went to the food bank so it was mine and my kids food then leave for 1-2 days come back and ask where his food was, then do it again), driving all night leaving me to fill the gas tank, I had to replace all the tools he stole
-would do half jobs around my house, the deal had been he could stay for free but he needed to help with repairs, eg. he would paint a 1 square foot spot on a wall then get someone else to finish the job and claimed he did all the painting
-he would do 'forced favours' on me, where he would do something for me that I didn't ask for or need and then try to get me to return the favor
-leave his insulin and needles all over my house (autistic kids)
-get our upd mom to be his flying monkey (it is soooo annoying)
I am not looking forward to him getting out. But I will NOT repeat last summer, it took me months to financially recover enough to afford food regularly again! My kids don't deserve that! I don't deserve that!
I'm already seeing the new pattern he is using to try to Hoover me into his disfunction. I hate it!
I'm not looking forward to him being out but I just wanted to vent. Thanks for letting me vent. I've never really had that before.
Gosh I really hope you won't let him in or live with you again. No matter what heart breaking story he will have.
Nah, it was just a vent. I can't let him stay with me for even 1 day.
One of my kids needs dental surgery under general anesthetic (fillings), my bro1 knows this and that I'll have a lot of cash saved for this. He WILL rob me!
It's just super annoying, having to remember all the tactics he uses to get in my house. :blowup: Main one being our upd mom. She'll try to come over to hang out, give me a break, borrow some movies, get some of bro1's things, borrow (LOL) some money for insulin or food, then invite him over or just let him in. I've learned she'll let him in while I'm sleeping and let him take anything he wants (he's stolen my van once this way).
He can't use my sob story like last summer, he's making it look like he's turning over a new leaf. He's apparently trying to arrange visitations with his child that he's ignored for years. He is also claiming he wants to get on social assistance (he really does need it, just never bothers applying) but needs help for 2 weeks until everything is in order. He can do a lot of damage in 5 minutes let alone 2 weeks.
However he has said some things that makes me suspicious. He tried to convince me last night to harass a complete stranger at their work on his behalf to arrange those visitations with his child, I said "no" so I think I'm getting silent treatment right now! Haha! :roll:
He suffers chronic pain from nerve damage (self inflicted) which is what he used the meth to ease before, they put him on proper pain meds in jail but he's already told me that the meds don't work as well as the meth.
He's already told me some of what he wants to do to my house to help me! He just have to get a few things from the store, this was an implication he'll need to borrow money.
He's already chasing down a new girl that showed some interest in him last fall (I'm betting to freeload off her like all his previous girlfriends).
I'm gearing up to fight his mind bending games, but it just plain sucks! My mom is not allowed in my house anymore either, but she'll still try.
It literally is like watching a very slow train wreck, and knowing they expect me to stay on the tracks and get run over when I don't have to. :stars:
Can you go to the dentist's office, and prepay on your child's surgery?
That's what I plan to due, I just haven't got the estimate yet.
Don't worry, I've moved the money and am using my cash box as a red herring. It's just really annoying to have to think this way. I'm using the surgery money as a way to guarantee my resolve.
I'd tell him he needs to show consistent change in behavior for at least twelve months before you'd trust him enough to let him in the door, much less have him stay there or do any more half-assed projects around your house. It sounds like he's already had second, third, forth, fifth and sixth chances and more to prove he can be trusted and has consistently failed. It is not unreasonable to deny him the chance to take advantage of you and your nuclear family all over again when he has not shown any difference in behavior or attitude.
I'm at the point where, even if he showed consistent change, I still wouldn't help him. Too much has happened and I'll probably always be suspicious of him.
No, I just have to become this monstrous person that needs to deny her dying brother entry and help. That was his main tactic before last summer, he would show up suffering either/both meth withdrawal or sugar acidosis (sugar overdose).
He's walked out of the hospital at 1am, with no shoes or jacket while there was light snow on the ground to my door claiming the hospital kicked him out at that time (lie).
He will send our mom as a backdoor way into my house, because he's done it before and she's more than willing to sacrifice me and my kids to make herself seem like a good mother to bro1. He's also a very quick talker, if I give him the opportunity, he will talk circles around me and everybody else to get what he wants. The less opportunities I give, the harder it is for him to gaslight me.
I gotta be willing to be the bad guy when he gets out, even though I'm not a mean person.
Quote from: D.Dan on July 18, 2018, 07:57:15 AM
I'm at the point where, even if he showed consistent change, I still wouldn't help him.
Good. I was about to jump in to say "do not give him criteria that he must meet before he can stay at your house." Doing so is establishing a moral obligation. PD folks will check those boxes in minimal, technical ways, and then expect you to hold up your end of that bargain.
You can help him, of course. But please: not with your home, not with your money, and not with anything else that might expose you again to any experience like that summer. I am really glad to see that you seem to have made a decision with confidence, and now are in the venting stage, where the dissonance of having to be this way to a sibling is gravelling.
Let me just say, in war time there are innocent young men of high morals and mild personality who get swept up and trained and put to war. Some end up killing even younger men in hand to hand combat. When that happens, we support that young soldier, knowing he did the hard, right thing to survive. Knowing that he didn't create the scenario that forced his hand.
I feel like my PD MIL and her FM husband have done to me what war and circumstance does to those innocent young men. I had to sever family ties; I had to inflict deep anguish in an aging and ill woman; I made my daughter cry and hurt. Like that young soldier, I know I've done the hard, right thing, acting with rectitude in a hostile environment.
Your brother has forced your hand, as you know. Be confident in the rectitude of your intentions.
Our FOC is supposed to be wings and not chains.
Thank you for the encouragement starboard_song!
Update:
The games have begun. He got out a day early (old tactic to catch people off guard), and right away lied about needing to get his drivers licence renewed. I've known for a year that he's NEVER had a drivers licence, from motor vehicles, because of the time he rear ended someone in MY van and they wanted to know whose licence and insurance to ding. Wasn't me, I threw him back under the bus where he belonged, he is being held accountable for it.
He has not mentioned once since getting out about visitation with his kid.
He needs to get a doctor to get a prescription for his pain meds (they're not over the counter meds). He said they only gave him a weeks worth from jail. Last night I'm already getting texts about having insulin for him because he's run out and upd mom lied saying I was planning to get some for him. (He can get free insulin from the hospital, which he refuses to get. :stars:) He has not bothered contacting any doctors so far.
He needs his birth certificate to get on social assistance and to get a bank account (I know he doesn't have a copy). He told our sister he's already got an appt with social assistance (funny there's no date or time, and that they make appts twice a week 1 for am, 1 pm). He's also already talking about working instead of social assistance (he's unable to work steady for more than a week, because he screws with his meds). He'd also need what ID he has but it's still at my house (he loses it constantly).
He's already got his eyes set on a girl he plans to romance (freeload :roll:). Right now, he's staying at our mom's (she says she could get evicted if he's caught living there again, due to the damage he caused), not my problem (she survived the homeless shelter last time she made dumb choices and knew where she would end up).
So, nothing has changed at all. Oh joy....
Glad I'm avoiding that bandwagon! :evil2:
Sometimes there are no words...
:bighug:
I hope your mother does not have a key to your house. I would also suggest cameras if they are in your budget. Sounds like nothing will deter this guy if he thinks he has a chance to get money or other goods.
That was my first thought too - you can't allow your mother to have a key to your house. She's his primary enabler.
Change the locks.
If your mother has a key there is no point asking her to give it back.
That gives her the power.
You just take that away from her by calling a locksmith, and she ceases to be someone who has a key.
If she wants to kick up a stink about that, tough.
You have to protect your children and yourself and if your mother isn't capable of doing that, then this is just tough.
Meth is a terrifying drug, people on meth are violent and dangerous and irrational.
Protect yourself.
No worries. I learned from my first apartment not to give my upd mom a key. She had one to watch my fish when I went on vacation, refused to give it back until I was moving. She had also borrowed (stolen) $90 from my apartment while I was at work and didn't bother telling me until she watched me look for the money for a good 15 minutes.
I also have security cameras because of the nearby ex-Inlaws, going onto my property when I wasn't home most of the time, once while I was.
I also have no trouble calling the cops on my bro1 because my kids need me to be healthy and uninjured to take care of them, and I've already done it twice which led to his arrest. Like saying no, following through by calling the police becomes easier and easier.
And the fun continues...
He is definitely doing meth again. He wanted to puff up at my house :jawdrop: . He is also supposedly waiting until he knows what social assistance will give him before he starts doing anything. Except, he can't get it without his birth certificate or a bank account which also needs his birth certificate. He is refusing to go to homeless shelters or the food bank. He has run out of meds.
This morning I found a bike I've never seen before in my yard. I gave my upd bro1 a time limit to make it disappear. He is pretending I gave permission to use my yard as a garage/landfill/storage! I will get rid of it if he won't but I am choosing to give a time limit this time (it's the first overstep of boundaries) so he will avoid it in the future (which seems to work with him).
He also claimed that I laughed at him on Friday for needing a shower. I would NEVER do that! To anyone! So the guilt tripping, gas lighting, victimization has started! Yippie..... :roll:
:aaauuugh:
So...it turns out the mystery bike belongs to one of my sisters kids. Why it's at my house instead of hers is beyond me :wacko: but I'm still glad to be able to make it known to upd bro1 that I won't stand for junk being stashed where my kids play.
This is OUR house, NOT his. So that's one problem, possibly averted! :boogie:
This should get interesting...
My sis was supposed to pick up the bike this morning. It's still here, I have to stick to my time limit due to my children's safety in my yard. The bike can't stay. I plan to give her a last warning text 1 hr before I need my yard, then I get rid of the bike.
It's not my responsibility, I was never consulted, I never agreed to store it, and my kids safety in our yard trumps the security of a mystery bike that showed up one morning all of a sudden!
My sis either has an anger issue, fleas or is pd herself. I try not to cross paths with her because she was a nasty little girl growing up! As far as I know, she picks and chooses when she's going to be nasty as an adult. I don't trust her. She has recent stories as an adult, where she's violent towards someone unnecessarily, and thinks it's hilarious.
So, sis flaked and decided to blast me with 15 texts during last 5 minutes before time limit, in b#%ch mode.
Apparently she didn't think she should be held to what she told me, as in that she was coming to get her child's bike this morning. She also didn't think she would need to let me know if she couldn't make it, I guess I was supposed to pick the message up from the vibes sent on the wind? :doh:
I'm rigid! I'm threatening her! she'd never toss my stuff! (she'd destroy it!), we're family! How come I'm doing this to her! Why didn't I just lock it in my shed! It's not her fault she didn't where bro1 was gonna store it! :roll:
I told her she knew since yesterday why the bike couldn't stay. She told me she was coming to get it this morning, why would I lock it up on her? I was going out today! Why can't she ask me to store it in my shed? Was she lying about coming to get it? Then she stopped texting me. :yes:
I expect to either have to store it in my shed or her to have a tantrum in my yard.... Nice....
I wish everyone on here a lovely day! :)
Wow! :oh:
She came, got the bike and left without saying a word or making a scene! That was unexpected but I ain't looking a gift horse in the mouth. I'm happy she choose to act approprietly in front of my children.
Update:
Looks like my sister has decided I'm not a bad guy. Okay, I can live with that. :)
Upd bro1 is freeloading off a different relative because our upd mom has decided to be extra crazy right now (people are not following her fantasies of giving tons of $ to her :dramaqueen: ). He was complaining about how hard it was to get a doctor and get on social assistance. He didn't seem to understand why they wouldn't just believe he is diabetic and hand over money and powerful narcotics. He also went in with no ID and empty insulin bottles, yeesh....
I think he may be overstaying his welcome at relative's house because now he's lying to me about how awesome of a relationship he has with my kids! How they always listened to him when he babysat them! They're so well behaved! He loves them sooooo much! Riiiight.... And the fact that he's never actually babysat them is just a figment of my imagination. :roll:
I can totally see where this is going...
I saw bro2 recently. He had an interesting story about upd bro1.
Before going to jail, bro1 had 2 bikes (yes he used them both) ( no, he didn't think this was weird, in fact he acted like it was normal or people should be jealous of him?) (yes, he homeless at this time too) he left one at my house and he left the other at bro2's place. This is what bro1 does when he steals things from people. Leaves it at random houses, then collects and sells it later. Bro1 brought the other bike to my house to store (he was getting evicted with his roommates). Both bikes were in exactly the same condition as when bro1 had left them (I had seen both bikes before he went to jail, he was showing off).
Right before the whole mysterious bike in my yard incident, bro1 got both bikes and sold 1 for money (he's still not on social assistance). Bro2 received a few text messages from bro1, essentially saying, " thanks for making my bikes get rusted up!" "Thanks for leaving my bikes outside!" Basically blaming bro2 for the condition of his bikes, which were not rusted up, but not in pristine condition because they never were.
I had thought bro1 was strangely quiet during this time, when he got out. Turns out, he was attacking bro2 instead.
Figures.... :roll:
Quote from: D.Dan on August 07, 2018, 07:46:35 AM
I can totally see where this is going...
Promise yourself to also see where it absolutely. Is. Not. Going.
:sadno:
Next on 'As the world turns'....
Upd bro1 is living on the streets again. No social assistance. No pain meds. Not bugging me (yippie!) and that's what I care about! I know the relative he was recently freeloading off of had about 4 kids they took care of, some with severe disabilities. I didn't think it would last long. He's nowhere near as helpful as he pretends he is.
Our upd mom tried (again) to advise me on how to help him. I cut her off with, he's an adult and everything he needs done can only be done by him. Then I pointed at the list of homeless shelters for men I wrote out for when he wants my help :evil2: , that is how I'm gonna help him. I show bro1 the list when he complains about needing a place to stay. Seems to make him stop complaining.
What a nightmare it's all been for you.
I've learnt a new phrase
"Be a lighthouse not a lifeboat".
It seems that is what you are doing. Well done.
Best wishes
guitarman
Things just never change....
Saw upd bro1 today while visiting with upd mom. He is living with an older male roommate (freeloading, he has no source of income) who is getting angry with bro1 for all the noise and people coming and going. Bro1 implied it was because of all the beautiful young women visiting bro1 (I think it's the constant visiting at all hours).
He then told our mom how he got hit by a minivan and now has a permanent dent on his head (never showed us just vaguely waved at his hat on his head), the guy supposedly didn't have a valid address on his driver's so my bro1 says he's suing the driver for $500 000. Riiiggghhtttt..... :roll:
So I think he's gonna be homeless for winter... Again... :doh:
Wow.
"Permanent dent on his head." I... don't think bones dent from impact?
I think my reaction would have been "Ooooo lemmee see!"
About 7 years ago, he claimed the cops beat him up, put a dent on his head and he was planning to sue them too. There is no bump, dent, or anything.
So my thoughts were, "ugh... Not this again..." :roll:
Saw upd bro1 on Saturday....
Nothing's changed. He introduced a new girl (he had a different girlfriend a few weeks ago), I assume he's staying at her home.
He came to get the one piece of ID he previously had at my house (he took it last time), to get on social assistance. Supposedly he went to an orientation... finally. Still never got his birth certificate that he needs to complete the application. :roll:
So...I highly doubt he's getting on social assistance. (Oh yeah, no dent on his head, LOL! :bigwink:)
Quote from: D.Dan on July 30, 2018, 03:05:52 PM
Wow! :oh:
She came, got the bike and left without saying a word or making a scene! That was unexpected but I ain't looking a gift horse in the mouth. I'm happy she choose to act approprietly in front of my children.
I was thinking if she didn't get the bike to prop it up against the trash can on the curb during trash day. :yes:
****Trigger warning for this post**** mentions of suicide
There was another thread mentioning a pwPD's suicide attempt. I didn't want to scare them but I mostly have this experience with my upd bro1. For him it's a joke.
He laughingly tells people how many times his heart has stopped, and he's technically died (about 30 times). Most of these are from sugar acidosis and some are from drug overdoses. He tells everyone but the nurses how he did them on purpose. He's in his 30s. He blames everyone else for all these times he's died.
Just to be clear, I don't know if it is up to 30 times but he has successfully died A LOT! Enough to drive everyone close to him, batty. He still does this!
Upd mom is dramatic about how everyone else (not upd bro1) has to step up to take care of him and make sure he lives! Me and my sister are pretty much just resigned to the fact that we're waiting for the phone call when the attempts to bring him back are unsuccessful.
We can't stop him from toying with his life like this, and we've been informed that all of this is seriously damaging his entire body. He apparently had the organs of a 70 yo about 10 years ago, now... We're just waiting. He seems to be going into longer and longer comas each time they resuscitate him.
This is one of the things that truly frightens me about him. He's not afraid of destroying anyone else's life, as long as he gets what he wants.
**** Trigger warning ****
My uBPD/uNPD sister threatens suicide frequently. I've said goodbye to her many times in my head. She may carry out her threat to harm herself one day. She can be very impulsive when angry and raging and in a crisis. She's capable of anything when she's in that state. It's been going on for decades.
I've learnt that this behaviour is abuse. It is trying to emotionally manipulate others into behaving differently for fear of the consequences if they don't by making threats. Unfortunately you can't change your brother's self sabotaging, self destructive behaviour. Only he can do that. Only he can change his own behaviour. If he doesn't it may lead to a most regrettable outcome. You've done your best. You can't do any more. That's the conclusion I've come to myself.
My sister blames her behaviour on others in the family saying that if we had treated her differently she wouldn't be the way she is now. So she turns everything around to become the victim when she is the abuser.
Sometimes we just have to walk away knowing that we can do no more. There are limits to love. It's hard. I know.
Best wishes
guitarman
Update....
Same old, same old. Supposedly, uPD bro1 FINALLY ordered a birth certificate on Friday last week, to get on social assistance. That's what he, sis and uPD mom say is all that's he needs to complete his application.
Thursday morning, me and bro2 took one of my kids for dental surgery (a success by the way :applause: all is well now). So, of course the chaos has to start during a stressful time for my family, when I'm fully focused on making sure the stars are aligned for everything to work out juuuust riiiight....
Wednesday (the day before :wacko: ) my uPD mom was hinting at me paying for his certificate, I had interrupted her before she finished to say "I already gave him $65 for a birth certificate when he first got out". Her response had been, he didn't know that was what that money was for. Yes. Yes he did know. Because I told him so. I point blank told him it was for a rush delivery of a birth certificate. The rest was up to him. Apparently he spent all of it on other things. Oh well... :roll: I tried...
She then tried to get me to fill out the certificate order form for him. Nope. He has 2 working hands, and 2 working eyeballs, he can do it himself. (I also got a hint of "and pay for it while your at it") She then tried to get me to help her and sis figure out how to get his birth certificate instead of letting me focus on my autistic child's (before the crack of dawn) dental surgery scheduled for the NEXT DAY!!!
I am so sick and tired of putting more effort into putting uPD bro1's life in order than HE is willing to put in. Do I believe he finally ordered his certificate? Yes, only because our uPD mom paid for it and our sister drove him there to get it done.
Next problem.... Will he bother getting on social assistance now that he probably has everything he needs for his application? I doubt it. just yesterday, our sis rescued him from someone's bathroom floor again by spending her grocery money on insulin for him. It's also obviously meth withdrawal as well (seeing as he can't get the prescription drugs he needs for his nerve damage issues). It just never ends with him....
I'm also hearing nothing about a girlfriend. I guess the last one got wise to him and ran away. :rundog: Smart girl.
And to top it all off, I had a nightmare last night that uPD bro1 stole my van again. UPD mom wouldn't give me his new cell # and kept trying to convince me that I should let him drive it around for awhile, because "poor him", he has such a hard life. I woke up angry with plans to call the cops and report my vehicle stolen to get it back because I couldn't even ask him to bring it back! :hulk:
Update.
Like I mentioned in another thread, uPDbro1 is renting his own house (he needs 1-2 roommates to truthfully afford it. He tried convincing bro2 to move in with him, but like me, bro2 has housed him before and got the full on uPDbro1 experience.
I found this out during a visit a week ago.
uPDbro1 is still not on social assistance, he claimed he'd get it in a week (max amount of assistance, full on medical benefits, no normal waiting or approval needed) which kinda sounds fishy to me but whatever, not my problem.
He has been working, and in fact wanted ME to order him some new tattooing supplies to keep him going. He said he'd give me the cash because the site he orders from is COD. Except, he was waiting for ME to make my own account, he wasn't showing me any cash (so I'm assuming he was gonna do the whole "I'll get it to you later, just make the order now, I'm good for it!" spiel), and was telling me how they do 2 day delivery and only needs someone to absolutely be home to receive the order (as in me in my home). I told him I can't because of my lifestyle. Too busy... :tongue2:
Update...
So uPD mom has been staying at uPD bro1's house since Sunday. My sister gets a Facebook msg from uPD bro1, he and mom are trapped inside the house because there are people with guns waiting for them outside... call the police.
This may or may not be true... the possibility is quite literally 50/50.
So, sis is on the way out the door to get her kids to school, and get to work, so she asks me to call the cops for her (she also didn't want them contacting her at work).
First I checked Facebook to see if I got the msg too (just to confirm it). Nope, but I'm also not a Facebook friend with him.
Then I call his cell phone... uPD mom picks up, apparently bro1 wrote the msg wrong :stars: (whatever that means) then disconnects abruptly. I call again (a few times) but the phone is now turned off... Okey dokey....
So I called the police figuring they could at least do a wellness check on them. Lucky for me they understood everything and are going to check it out.
But yeeeesh.....
Well that was fun....
Anyways, uPD bro1 invited wanted criminals into his home. They were making plans to kidnap and torture him. uPD mom was too crazy for them however, and bro1 used that as an excuse to escape..... So uPD bro1 has chosen to abandon his home and everything within it to these criminals instead of calling the police to get them out. He's the only one on the lease and everything's paid for.... He is crying that he's homeless.... again :doh:......
Best yet, uPD mom tried my sister and bro2's dad (I told her no before she could even ask) to stay with until they.... eventually..... find..... a..... place..... to...... live..... :roll:
After everyone refused, uPD mom came up with the brilliant idea that I would use my credit card to rent a hotel for them.... until she eventually does her income tax (hasn't done it in 3 years) and can start paying for it on her own! :o :aaauuugh: :stars:
Nope! I don't think so. :no:
The situations you describe with your FOO sound dizzying, illogical, hopeless. It also seems like you are still pretty enmeshed with them in terms of keeping close track of events in their lives. Do you think that's healthy for you?
Openbluesky, that's a very good question.
I used to be enmeshed with both uPD mom and uPD bro1 at deifferent times in my life. It was actually quite hazardous and dangerous for me and my children, so it's something I don't want occurring again, so I had to consider "if" and "how much" I am enmeshed with them, because if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and talks like a duck, good chances are it's a duck.
First, my posts DO sound highly enmeshed, because of the amount of info I end up having on their lives.
I got this info based off their alternate reality D.Dan. In fact, I had been shutting them down (they talk very quickly, and get a lot out before I stop it) so how did I get so much in so little time. The answer is because of the quietness and stillness of my personality. I don't react outwardly to anything anyone says around me while I'm doing other tasks, so they assume I never heard and won't remember. Both of these relatives usually surround themselves with drunks and drug addicts that remember only what they want to, not anything else, and both relatives will then tell you what you are going to do (because it works with drunks and drug addicts most of the time), I'm guessing they think I operate the same way. So they talk around me and at me, until I shut them down but think I remember nothing and try to give me commands they think will work. My non-reactive personality (when I'm trying to NOT get involved in their craziness) convinces them that I know nothing and remember nothing. Part of my protective invisibility while growing up as a scapegoat.
Truthfully, it was something about myself I was aware of but never actually thought about.
So that was a byproduct of reality clashing with their alternate reality. I've never done drugs, I got drunk once and hated it (puked my guts out, I hate getting sick) and I have a very good memory (side effect of mom's gas lighting, and it's efficiency increases the more upset I am). So they vomit their lives on me before I can stop them.
But that still didn't erase the possibility of enmeshment. Because I treat this info as very important. Or at least it looks that way. So I had to think some more.
The second part is... I don't actually care what happens to them anymore because it's all a repeating pattern/cycle of horribleness, but why do I seem to need this info that I accidentally obtained? I know both PD's like it when nobody knows any facts, and they can create a new victim story to get what they want. But I've learned to just not trust whatever they say, so why treat the info as important?
Today the answer came to me.... Caregiver Creep!
I was raised to be the fixer/hero/good child/scapegoat! My current life circumstances force me to think and behave in caregiver mode almost all the time! I have 3 high needs autistic children, and I am constantly considering ways to improve our lives all the time while trying to decrease problems and issues. I am in caregiver mode at all times!
My PD relatives take advantage of that. They start off very small, show up during a mealtimes starving (I starved sometimes as a kid, so I make sure MY kids never starve) and I always have extra food in my house, they ask for something small then leave. It s-l-o-w-l-y escalates from there until one day either/both show up with friends (henchmen) and assume I will take care of everyone under threat of.... something (violence, robbery, destruction of property, it's been known to happen with them) and I can't have that around my kids. This also plays on nice person me, whom everyone seems to like! I can't stop being a caregiver, but I do have to make sure I'm not taken advantage of by others.
So the truth is, they vomit info of themselves on me in an attempt to force me to fix it, I then use that info to avoid caregiver creep and step away without escalating the situations to dangerous levels.
However, their issues do annoy the c**p out of me and judging from your post I think it's safe to say, they annoy everyone else with their issues as well.
Thank you for caring enough about me to put this question out there! I almost started crying thinking about it, so thank you! :hug:
I was equally moved by your post. Gosh, but do you have so much on your plate! There's a lot of autism in my family and even so I can't imagine how much energy and love it takes to care for 3 autistic kids. And it sounds like you are in caregiver and solution finder mode a lot.
The reason I asked the question about enmeshment is because I struggle with it myself. Like you, I've gotten Enmeshed (Big E) out of my life in terms of divorcing my sociopathic exhusband (diagnosed). He surrounded us with all level of nonsense — questionable people, illegal stuff, instability. And am I ever glad to be out of THAT life. But I struggle with enmeshed (little e), hearing about him, wondering if I'll run into him, etc. I've learned that it's better for me to not take in ANY information about him—where he's been showing up, trouble he's in, etc. It will upset and rattle me, haunt me.
As much as you are obviously a strong person, I wonder if simply taking in the daily information, being aware of your FOO actions, needs, latest drama, etc drags you down. I don't see how it couldn't. It's so hard to be aware of that kind of nonsense and NOT have a feeling about it. And it seems like you could be using and spending your feelings on so much better things.
I think I understand, the whole "renting head space" thing, right?
I have been slowly and safely weaning my PD's off my caregiving. The goal for me was to get off their hitlist of possible resources. It's actually working, but it's very slow. I used to alternate with my sister for first and second place, now people in their immediate vicinity are first, my sister is second, other friends next, while poking me to see if I'll step in until after person 4, then they leave me alone. I'm moving further and further down the list and out of consideration.
The whole renting space in my head... it's only until i write it down. Then I move on, because my life is always on the go and always changing. I found that's the fastest way to get certain things out of my head.
My brain works in a funny way, it's like a filing cabinet where everything is organized into point form lists of facts in their designated filing folders.
My memories are like video and audio recordings where I can retrieve a crazy amount of details or repeat things word for word, sometimes. Similar to when I read a good book, I forget I'm actually seeing words and it all morphs into pictures like I'm watching a movie instead (I remember the pictures in my head instead of the book itself).
When I stare at certain objects long enough (radio, doorbell, toys, anything broken that I need working again), it does a weird sort of come apart in its separate pieces in my head, then come back together and suddenly I know where to fix things that aren't working, or get a good idea on an alternate method of repair.
I have no space for them, it's all thrown into a box labelled "Not my problem!" which is why you see me write that a lot.
I usually do mindless word games/video games that allow me to go blank to give my head a break every once in awhile.
I never thought about this part of myself as being strong, it's just how I operate. I once described it to someone as if my life were a forest (you know the phrase "can't see the forest for the trees") and each issue I had to deal with was a tree I had to get past. I can't let the trees stop me and I have to keep moving forward so I just deal with each tree as best I can in that given moment, then continue on. It seems strong to other people because they can see how far I've gone through the forest while I can't, because I still have to deal with every tree that pops up in front of me. I don't bother focusing on how big the forest is and how much farther I have to go, just on dealing with the current tree in front of me while considering possibilities for the big trees I can see in the distance (toileting, puberty, high school).
I guess, despite how it appears, I'm not in as bad a place as it seems.
Thanks so much for explaining! It sounds like you have a good system for processing — and have done a great job of extricating yourself from the caretaker role with your FOO.
Couldn't help thinking of Thinking in Pictures by Temple Grandin, when you were describing how you remember things and see things. That woman changed my life! I've read all her books and seen her speak a couple times. I've got a toe on the spectrum and my kid has his own sensory visual/auditory differences (some bordering on superpowers). It makes sense to me how you take in, vent, file, process. And I really understand those trees.
Openskyblue, I wanna check that book out now! :) Thanks for understanding, sometimes it takes awhile for me to figure out how to describes my inner workings to others without confusing them. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm on the spectrum as well.
Next...
I went to take out the trash this morning, and passing through my backyard, I spot.... a brand new bike (no wheels) lying in my kids Fort! I also spotted a pile of leaves and grass in the middle of my yard too.
So, uPD bro1 did yard work (well half the work...) I never asked him to do, to obligate me to allow his bike (extra bike!) to be stored in my yard without my consent. Again...
I sent him a text msg, reminding him of last summer when he dumped our nephew's bike in my yard! Didn't bother touching the yard work topic, and told him to remove it ASAP because it is too dangerous to remain here for my kids!
And it JUST got warm enough for my kids to comfortably play in the backyard too! >:(
Just my 2 cents here, but I'd be furious if someone left anything in my backyard that they had been told was not safe for my kids. And seriously, putting random things in the environment of autistic kids, well that's beyond insensitive.
To my mind, you would have been well in your rights to simply put the bike on the street -- no notice to your brother.
My uPD bro1 collected his stuff with no violence... Very good.
This morning however, I wake up to some random stuff that wasn't in my yard yesterday. (I can tell its stuff my bro1 would store in my yard) So I take a look around to see what all is in my yard NOW.... and I find a huge pile of diarrhea in a space where my autistic kids LOVE to play! :aaauuugh:
I don't know how to feel about having to clean up my brother's literal sh*t from my kids play area! Because they will play with that TOO!
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone again...
1) I understand the whole "when you gotta go, you gotta go"
2) but seriously?! In my yard?! Right where my kids play?!
Oh boy... :wacko:
Sh**ting in someone's home in area other than a bathroom is an aggressive act -- and a pretty weird one at that. Your brother sounds like he must be pretty disordered--and part of that is a need to leave parts of himself (his belongings, his bodily fluids) in your home. The latest isn't just an urgency issue, it's a health hazard.
Have you ever considered getting a restraining order against him?
If your word alone about his diarrhea debacle isn't enough for a restraining order, I'd invest in a video surveillance system, so you can catch him in the act. :ninja:
I don't think the police will have a problem issuing you a restraining order once they see him, on film, shitting in your yard - or throwing his property into it, or any other trespassy things. :yes:
Yes, shitting in somebody's yard is *extremely* aggressive, and shows utter contempt for you and yours. :aaauuugh:
And yes, it is a health hazard. I don't even know how you'd clean that up, especially if your kids are prone to eating dirt. Put a covered sandbox over the top of it, perhaps? :)
The cover keeps the sand from getting wet, when it rains or snows, and prevents cats and uncivilized human adults from using it a waste receptacle.
File this under What Not To Do - but wouldn't a small part of you love to shovel it all into a box, and mail it to him with the note, "You left this behind. I thought you might miss it." :evil2:
Sometimes you just have to laugh, when people are that crazy. 8-)
:hug: