PD reaching out to family and friends

[frogjumpsout]

So, the parent I've gone NC with is doing the typical, "I just don't understand" thing and playing the victim while also, I suspect, dripping subtle poison about me into people's ears. What do you do in these situations -- try to ignore it and reassure yourself that people who really know you won't believe the worst about you? Tell some of the closer family/ friends that you'd rather they not listen to that? The latter feels too interfering to me, and yet sometimes I feel like the progress I've made since going NC is being compromised by these intrusions. Thanks for reading!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh, I have been there. It's terrible. My parents invented diagnoses of postpartum depression, severe and long lasting marital problems between me and my husband, blamed me for expecting them to fix all of my problems for me when 1) they had completely made all if them up and 2) had not even bothered to visit me in several weeks when we lived reasonably close. So the smear campaign was extra super crazy pants. But some people believed it anyway.

My conclusion is that the people who were going to believe me did so whether or not I preempted the smear campaign. In other words, people are going to show you who they are now. It can be really hard, but this is all valuable information.

If they were inclined to listen to my parents' outrageous lies about me and then not follow up with me to see if I'm okay, they were not worth chasing. This category comprised my entire family of origin, from siblings to aunts and uncles to third cousins twice removed. There was very little relationship to lose in these cases, across the board. A couple of people did say, "Hey, I had this strange message from your dad, something seems to be really wrong here." Those are the good people. There were a couple of flying monkeys who never asked for my perspective but just laid on the guilt, "Your POOR MoTheRRr!" One person was actually taken aback that I would even think she might believe my parents. "I've been much more a part of your life than they have over the last two years! Of course they don't know what they're talking about!" Most of the people who mattered to me my parents had very little access to. Overall, I did pretty okay in the final analysis. I learned that I could stop maintaining relationships with people who clearly did not give a fat rat's you-know-what about me. I gained a lot of freedom to invest in caring, trustworthy relationships.

This is majorly time to don the lab coat and sift through the information that comes in, and then let yourself have all the feelings about all of it. It's majorly difficult to completely let go of trying to control the outcome. But I truly believe it can't be done in a healthy way here. Best of everything to you. It is brighter on the other side of this.

[Pinkos]

This dynamic made me feel powerless and angry for a long time. And then eventually I had to sit with myself and figure out what exactly I was losing. Unfortunately, in my case I didn't have a close, loving relationship with any relative or sibling. All the relationships I had operated within the dysfunctional and abusive dynamic. Once I rejected that, there was no path forward cause everyone turned into a flying monkey. There were no genuinely caring, supportive ppl to latch onto in the NC storm.

My parents didn't really have emotionally mature and decent people that were close to them. I think we probably have loving and non-abusive relatives but I never had access to them since they weren't in my parents orbit. So I never had relatives or family friends who genuinely loved and cared about me.

I do realize that others may have those types of people that the PD parents have now poisoned with their smear campaign. I can imagine that would so painful. But I guess my advice would be to really sit down and think about each person and figure out which category the relationship belongs to. It's important to figure out if there's a real loss. And if there is what can be done, if anything. And if there is no loss.....well then....

[Cat of the Canals]

Tell some of the closer family/ friends that you'd rather they not listen to that?

Generally I would ignore, but depending on the particular person and scenario -- someone sent in as a flying monkey that probably doesn't realize that's what's going on, for example -- I'd consider saying something like, "I'm so sorry you're being dragged into this. Feel free to tell [my mother/whoever] that you're not comfortable discussing this if she brings it up again."

[Lalitha]

I'm in this situation currently, I feel for you as it's a horrible situation. Most of my FOO are so dysfunctional that I made the decision early on to drop those 'relationships'. I am aware of some of the accusations against me spread by them. I think the current gossip is that I'm menopausal and having a mid life crisis, sadly reflective of the misogyny in my FOO.
I am currently attempting to maintain a relationship with one person in contact with my FOO, mainly for our kids sake but I don't know if it will be workable long term. This person repeatedly tried to involve themself and was inadvertently acting as a flying monkey. I kept saying 'there are things at play here that you are not aware of and I would prefer not to discuss it.' In the end I had to get very assertive and say bluntly 'im not discussing it.' That has shut this particular flying monkey up for now, if they start up again I'll leave. What I have found is that despite the sadness, loss and grief, the longer I am NC the more positive people and activities come into my life. I wonder if, given time, you will find something similar happens. Perhaps others here have experienced the same thing? So whilst it is extremely painful now, it does force one to assess those relationships and sort the wheat from the chaff.

[moglow]

While I believe that what other people say about us is none of our business, it also depends on a. who's doing the telling, and b. our relationship with them. And also c. Is it being repeated directly to us. Our speculation on Cs are firmly in the nunna my business category - we may know "things" are being said but unless/until faced head on, not our problem. It's not my stuff unless they make it so - and those who actually know me never came to me with it.

I have a cousin who could be counted on to make contact whenever mother went on a big rampage. Interestingly it was usually after mother lambasted me about some sketchy unspecified comment I supposedly made about her/mother to "someone." I never heard from said cousin otherwise - and she's the one family member with whom mother was regularly in contact. She was suspect from way back, and played both sides of the fence like mother - liked appearing "concerned" and involved in fact finding missions. I noted and moved on, rarely responded to her questions.

When someone comes out of nowhere that you've not seen or spoken in years, but they seem entrenched in your family business, I call flying monkey. Very likely a blind one, at that. That they suddenly have contact info for you is an indicator they were sent, but understand they don't always grasp it up front. They genuinely mean well and often have no clue they're being used. I can listen them off the ledge and politely thank them for their concern, while saying nothing about the situation.

Blind flying monkey are different from my cousin - she KNEW and bought into it anyway. She dug into and fed the drama at every turn. I took great pleasure more than once correcting the version of events she presented to me, knowing that I'd hear it from mother later. I could actually smile then, knowing I'd set that one up for her.

One thing my brother reminded me of  when I was upset about what "the family" thought or were saying - when were they ever there for me? When did they stand up for or defend me from mother, protect me in any way? Could I name even one time that they stood in the breach to help me through a bad time? Was I even invited to share holidays or special events as part of the family? Nada, to all of the above. Painful but at the end of the day, there's a peace in it too.

[frogjumpsout]

Hi everyone, Thank you so much for the thoughtful, compassionate replies! Each one deserves a reply of its own, but even before that, I think I should probably provide a few details about my situation.

It's not shared family members in my case -- my FOO got all of those, in scenarios similar to those people wrote about above. In most cases it wasn't a loss for me; in some, it was, and it was sad, but I accepted it.

What I'm talking about are "my" people -- a few very close friends whom I consider family. These are the most important people in my life, and while they say they don't believe what's being said, I think sometimes "the poison seeps through" regardless (to quote or misquote Succession.)

These friends are speaking to my FOO...why? Probably, because despite my explanations, they don't really understand PDs, and so it seems to them like the decent thing to do (they are also carefully guarding my privacy.) But I think my FOO is seeking revenge on me through these friends. The loss of a relationship with them would be very painful; that's why FOO is doing this, imo.

Thanks again, Cordelia, Pinkos, Cat, Moglow, Lalitha!!! It means so much to talk to people who understand.

[olivegirl]

My PD parents go-to tactic is to feign ignorance while acting like they are victimized by my behaviors.   

For the longest time, I tried showing people who I am but my PD parents successfully convinced every one in my entire orbit that I am fake and a covert narc who has malicious intentions and not to be trusted. 

I was completely isolated and shunned and scapegoated and my sadistic parents felt empowered to treat me shabbily because I was thoroughly discredited.

If I'm so malevolent, then why would my aging parents demand to live with me?   

When I refused, lo and behold my so-called wealthy parents lost their house to foreclosure and are now renting. 

The truth is starting to emerge. 

I have been able to since convince others with receipts that my parents' smear campaign was to avoid exposure about their finances and they thought they could parasitically live off of me in retirement!   

While being validated now, no one has reached out and certainly no relationships have been reconciled.

Too much time has passed.

Too much ick factor. 

But I am grateful for the mental clarity.  The gaslighting over the years had been particularly cruel.

[frogjumpsout]

Oh, olivegirl, I'm so sorry that happened. It sounds like you were convinced to doubt yourself sometimes, in addition to being doubted by others. That is so hard and almost impossible to avoid. Sorry, too, about the many losses of people in your circle.

My parents play the same ingenuous/ victim/ tiny violin game.

I'm really glad that some people are starting to see the light, and really REALLY glad that your parents aren't living with you!

[Sidney37]

I live 10+ hours away from my PDs.  They still live in the town I grew up in and where most of my high school friends and relatives still live.  I've been NC for 5 years.

They have made themselves out to be the victims here.  Much of my uPDM's abuse of me was verbal and manipulative.  It wasn't spoken about outside of her, my dad, me, my now deceased grandmother and my now deceased aunt.  People outside of that had no idea the threats she made to me for not calling exactly when she wanted, for not answering my phone when she thought I should, for not being totally and completely enmeshed at all times, for moving away.

My father works in his retirement at a location where he sees lots of people in the community.  He tells my high school friends terrible things about how awful I am for not speaking to them.  Complete lies about why.  I have gotten pictures of my mom sent by text to me by some of my closest high school friends questioning me and my decision.  These are the high school friends I kept in touch with for 20 years after high school and not just on social media.  These are the ones who have been to my house.  I have been to their house.  We've been to weddings and met each others kids.  My close friends.  In those cases when they come to me with lies, I do try to tell them my side.  Unfortunately, in most cases, it hasn't worked.  They only know the person my mom shows them that she is.  They seem to forget the hell she put me through in high school.

I've stopped using social media almost entirely which in some ways makes me feel more isolated from old friends.  Once someone in my husband's family posted weeks after a trip we took together and included a picture of me.  Someone who was friends of that person must have told my enD, because he decided it must have been taken that day. He called all of my neighbors saying he hadn't heard from me, couldn't reach me and he was going to call the police for a welfare check.  We had been NC for years and he had threatened this months before in a message that got through to me.  He was hoping that I was away and that neighbors would confirm that they hadn't seen me in a while.  He thought he could ruin my holiday by having the police bust into my house while I was on away and I'd have to come home.  Well, unfortunately for him, my neighbor told him that they had just talked to me that morning. 

So I am very careful about what I post on social media.  I am very careful about who I talk to.  Like Olive, they seem to have convinced everyone in my orbit (family, old high school friends, old college friends, everyone) that I am a terrible person who is doing this terrible thing to them.  I, too, have felt completely isolated.  It's taken me years to accept that I will never go to my hometown again.  I will never see these high school friends again.  I won't be going to high school reunions.  I won't be invited to any family reunions. I still talk to one high school friend almost weekly.  I've had to accept that I will likely not see anyone else who was in my life prior to the age of 24.  That's the power that my parents have.

Some days I hope that my mother's mask will slip and she will expose her true self to the people at the church and to the relatives and one day someone will tell me that they know what she is like.  That they understand why I was no longer talking to her.  So far, it hasn't happened.  I'm not sure it ever will. 

It's isolating for sure.  The isolation is the hardest part for me.  They say to make your friends your relatives.  Unfortunately, we live in a place that it takes years to cultivate that type of friendship.  People here are somewhat cold and wary of new people and they keep you at a distance for a very long time. So I remain isolated. I convince myself that the isolation is better than the verbal abuse and stress that my parents cause me. 

[frogjumpsout]

Hi Sidney,

Thanks very much for telling your story. This part especially resonates:

People outside of that had no idea the threats she made to me for not calling exactly when she wanted, for not answering my phone when she thought I should, for not being totally and completely enmeshed at all times, for moving away.

I'm so sorry that your parents are so malignant, and that they've even turned your high-school friends against. I'm in the lucky (?) position of only having had a single high-school friend, and she mostly knows the score (I mean, she did once ask if my father was some kind of saint, so not gifted with perfect vision, but still.)

The last time I was at my family house was at a party. I think everyone at the party had heard terrible things about me; everyone treated me with full disdain, which I didn't understand at the time.

I hope you do make good friends in the place where you and your family now live. Based on your posts, I think you will, even if it does happen very slowly.